“Family model” comes from childhood
First, I’ll tell you the sad story of my classmates. They got married right after school, doted on each other, bought an apartment with a mortgage, and went on vacation together. And so...divorce. Like a bolt from the blue for all the friends and parents of the couple. I persuaded Anya to make an appointment with a psychologist. The specialist immediately saw the reason for the breakup of the family.
Anya’s father abused alcohol and often raised his hand against his daughter and wife. All her life, the girl lacked a normal dad who would protect and not offend, behind whom she could hide from all life’s hardships. Accordingly, who was she subconsciously looking for in her husband? That's right, first of all, the father.
Vadik himself needed a wife-mother. His own mother abandoned him at the age of 2 and gave him to his grandmother to raise. At first, the newlyweds were euphoric, but then they began to model behavior patterns in their parent families on each other. And this is where the grinding and nitpicking began, which ultimately is called the general phrase “they didn’t get along.”
The psychology of family relationships is built on several “pillars” at once, and the main one is the family model, which has been formed since childhood. Therefore, dear mothers, be a good example for your children, their future family happiness depends on you.
This is why I am conducting today’s educational program. Although I’m sure you’ve known most of today’s truths for a long time, you just don’t try them on in your own marriage. And this needs to be done, as well as enlightenment in this direction. By the way, I recommend reading books on family psychology by Lydia Schneider. She, like the famous author-practitioner Olga Karabanova, based her works on family counseling. Be sure to read it at your leisure, I assure you, you will find a lot of useful things for yourself.
Well, for now, let me, albeit not so scientifically and cleverly, try to break down what a successful marriage consists of. And you compare it with your relationship and tick off what you need to work on.
Psychology of biethnic family relations (Z. I. Aigumova, 2016)
Chapter 1. Theoretical and methodological foundations for studying the problem of family relationships in the context of cultures
The significance of the influence of the family on the individual, its complexity, versatility and problematic nature determines a large number of different approaches to the study of the family, as well as definitions found in the scientific literature. The subject of study is the family as a social institution, a small group and a system of relationships.
According to researchers, a family is created by the relationship between parents and children, and marriage turns out to be a legitimate recognition of the relationship between a man and a woman, those forms of cohabitation or sexual partnership that are accompanied by the birth of children.
A. I. Antonov defines the family as based on a single family activity of people connected by the bonds of marriage - parenthood - kinship and thereby carrying out the reproduction of the population and the continuity of family generations, as well as the socialization of children and maintaining the existence of family members. The “nuclear” structure in this sociological version is the nuclear family, represented in the trinity of relations of marriage – parenthood – kinship. The loss of one of these links characterizes the fragmentation of family groups. A holistic idea of the family is given to us by relationships of the following type: husband - wife; husband - children; wife children; children - parents; children are children. These structural characteristics of the family, having relative independence, represent its socio-psychological unity. Consequently, there may be different types of family, but a full-fledged family is one that has all types of relationships [21].
There is a close relationship between the concepts of “marriage” and “family”. However, in the essence of these concepts there is a lot that is special. Thus, marriage and family arose in different historical periods: marriage is a historically changing social form of relations between a woman and a man, through which society regulates and sanctions their sexual life and establishes their conjugal and parental rights and responsibilities, and the family is an institutionalized community that develops on the basis of marriage and the legal and moral responsibility of spouses for the health of children and their upbringing generated by it.
A family is a more complex system of relationships than a marriage, since it, as a rule, unites not only spouses, but also their children, as well as other relatives or simply people close to the spouses and the people they need. According to the generally accepted definition, a family is a unit (small social group) of society, the most important form of organizing personal life, based on marital union and family ties, that is, on multilateral relationships between husband and wife, parents and children, brothers and sisters and other relatives living together and running a common household.
Family life is determined by the conditions of development of a particular society. These conditions determine the functions of the family and are generalized in legal and moral norms, and this, in turn, affects family positions, roles and is reflected in the characteristics of relationships in the family.
“A family is an open system, subject to external influences... it must take into account in its structure the whole set of various influences and achieve some internal balance” [226]. Following this definition, a family is a complex multidimensional entity characterized by the following:
• family – a unit (small social group) of society;
• family is the most important form of organizing personal life;
• family – marital union;
• family – multilateral relationships of spouses with relatives: parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, etc., living together and leading a common household.
The author, following L.B. Schneider, adheres to the view that a family is a systemic-functional association of emotionally close and significant people based on marriage, kinship and parenthood.
Approaches.
The importance of the family, its complexity, versatility and problematic nature determine a large number of different approaches to the study of the family. Thus, in his research, L.B. Schneider identifies several approaches: evolutionism, functionalism, biologism, empiricism and science [226].
Evolutionary approach.
The greatest contribution to the historical reconstruction of family relations belongs to the Swiss historian I. Ya. Bakhoven [34], who published the book “Maternal Law. Studies of the Gynecocracy of Old Time and Its Religious and Legal Nature,” as well as the Scottish lawyer J. F. McLennan, who published a study “Primitive Marriage” in 1865. Both authors emphasize the idea of variability in the forms of marriage. In the early stages of social development, there was promiscuity in sexual relations. With the advent of childbirth, group marriage arose, which regulated these relationships.
Already in ancient times, there were ideas about both the “patriarchal” nature of the family structure and the presence of promiscuity, which was called “promiscuity.”
Plato is called the father of the “patriarchal” theory. He believed that the idea of patriarchy corresponds to human nature and serves as the starting cell of the state. Later, these ideas were consistently developed by Aristotle in his works. During the Middle Ages and the Enlightenment, patriarchal theory reigned supreme.
The idea of group marriage is from Herodotus, who pointed to the community of wives among a number of nations: groups of men and women lived side by side and were in a “communal marriage” - each man considered himself the husband of all women [72].
I. Ya. Bakhoven developed the concept of heterism, through which all nations went in the direction of individual marriage and family based on maternal right and the high position of women in society (“gynecocracy”) [34]. The ideas of matriarchy and the historical development of the family found support from J. Lebbock, I. Kohler, M. M. Kovalevsky, L. Sternberg, L. G. Morgan, F. Engels.
Researchers have come to the conclusion that the first form of clan is the maternal clan, based on a collective economy and exogamous-endogamous marriage relationships (endogamy - free ties within the clan; exogamy - the prohibition of marriages within one's own clans, the need to enter into it with members of other communities), although Paired unions were also observed.
The main reason for the variability of family relationships associated with the transition from the maternal to the paternal clan and the emergence of a monogamous family is considered to be the decomposition of collective property, the acquisition of economic independence and the emergence of private property and inheritance.
The advent of monogamy is associated with the emergence of feelings of jealousy. According to experts, jealousy appeared and became known to humanity relatively recently - about 3 thousand years ago. By definition, it could not exist in a group marriage. An equally inevitable concomitant of monogamy is prostitution. In some societies, so-called religious prostitution was widespread: a tribal leader, priest or other government official had the right to spend the first wedding night with the bride. The prevailing belief was that the priest, using this right, sanctified the marriage. It was considered a great honor if the king himself enjoyed the right of the first night.
Thus, the evolutionary approach has the following basic settings:
• in almost all the peoples studied, the calculation of maternal kinship preceded the calculation of paternal kinship;
• at the primary stage of sexual relations, along with temporary monogamous relations, wide freedom of marital relations prevails;
• the evolution of marriage consisted of a gradual restriction of this freedom of sexual life;
• The evolution of marriage consisted of a transition from group marriage to individual marriage.
According to evolutionism, family relationships develop in a progressive direction: from lower to higher forms. Their social conditioning, historical predetermination and representation in family life and the kinship system are emphasized.
But there is another point of view on the evolution of marriage, where the development of family relationships is viewed through the prism of the “decline” of culture and society. Its supporters emphasize negative trends in the development of family relationships: the weakening of the union of parents and children, spouses and the breakdown of the family economy.
Functional approach.
According to the functional approach, family relationships are derived from the family’s lifestyle and are built on a system of sociocultural roles associated with marriage, kinship and parenthood. The founder of the structural-functional direction of family study, E. Durkheim, studied the mechanisms of family cohesion, the role of each family member in family life, and the relationship between divorce and suicide. He drew attention to the fact that a number of family functions are changing and even being lost under the influence of urbanization [91].
Functionalism recognizes marital relations only when pregnancy occurs and the birth of a child occurs. The change in historical family forms and the emergence of exogamy are derived from the taboo of incest (the ban on incest). Taboos were seen as a means of functional integration of family relationships. The influence of the voluntariness of marriage (instead of marriage under a parental agreement) on its instability, and the decrease in the number of modern families on family solidarity is emphasized. Functionalists are responsible for the development of the problems of motherhood and fatherhood.
In the functional approach, much attention is paid to the analysis of the historical transition of family functions to other social institutions. In the functional approach, in contrast to the evolutionary one, the key point is the problem of responsibility both in intrafamily relations and in the context of social relations, which sets the dynamics of family relations.
Ethological approach.
The origins of this trend date back to the appearance of Charles Darwin’s book “The Descent of Man and Sexual Selection,” first translated in Russia in 1873.
Representatives of this approach operate mainly with the methods of comparative ethology, understanding the hidden, often rudimentary instinctive foundations of human behavior. Proponents of the ethological approach reject promiscuity as the original form of marital relations, since it contradicts the instinctive need of children to have parents and the maternal (parental) instinct of adults.
According to the ethological approach, the historical period found humanity with four systems of marital relations: group marriage, polygyny (one man and several women), polyandry (one woman and several men) and monogamy (one man and one woman); the latter in two forms - lifelong and allowing for divorce. Ethologists note the natural nature of all of these forms of marriage and family relations and their variability. From a biological point of view, the diversity of marital relations is an amazing fact, because the mating system is a species characteristic and is a constant.
The unusualness of the ethological point of view lies in the assumption of the initial monogamy of human ancestors, the assertion that then, at some stage of evolution, human ancestors turned to group marriage with the care of ancestral men for primordial women. Monogamous and group marriage programs have had a long history. Moreover, in the future, people could, if necessary, move from one form of marriage relationship to another. For example, monogamy was most suitable for farmers in Europe, and polygyny was most suitable for nomadic pastoralists.
Within the framework of the ethological approach, it was established that monogamy is not an ideal from the point of view of natural selection, a fundamental difference in the biological motives of mating behavior of the sexes was discovered, the phenomena of inversion of dominance during marital relations, and excessive human hypersexuality were discovered. At the very height of biological evolution, man emerged from the influence of natural selection because the main condition for success was not genetically transmitted information, but not genetically transmitted knowledge and the need for socialization [225].
Empirical approach.
Its origin is associated with the appearance in the 19th century. empirical studies of the emotional sphere of the family, the inclinations and needs of its members. Within this approach, the family is considered as a small social group with its own history of origin, functioning and disintegration. The subject of research is feelings, passions, and moral life.
The founder of the empirical approach is considered to be F. Le Play, who, while studying the historical dynamics of the development of family relations, noted the direction from the patriarchal type of family to an unstable one, with the separated existence of parents and children, with the weakening of paternal authority, leading to the disorganization of society.
Scientific approach.
Within this approach, family relationships are considered in the relationship between the individual and society. The creators and supporters of this approach include W. James, C. Cooley, W. Thomas, F. Znaniecki, J. Piaget, Z. Freud, etc.
Interpersonal relationships, the significant nature of close relationships, the family as a “unity of interacting individuals” are the key points of theories of a scientific socio-psychological orientation [225].
In addition to the listed approaches to the history of studying the psychology of family (significant) relationships, there are many others. As for modern studies of family relationships, here we can name Yu. A. Aleshina, T. V. Andreeva. V. N. Druzhinina, E. A. Elizarova. O. A. Karabanov, S. V. Kovalev, A. S. Spivakovskaya, L. B. Shneider, E. G. Eidemiller. Their works emphasize that the family is directly and indirectly affected by all the changes occurring in society, although it has relative independence and stability.
Basic functions of the family.
The family as a social institution has assumed a number of functions. Currently, scientists, discussing the functions of the family, offer their vision of this problem. Thus, the most detailed analysis of the main functions of the family is contained in the work of A. N. Elizarov; he highlighted the following:
• giving birth and raising children;
• preservation, development and transmission to subsequent generations of the values and traditions of society, accumulation and implementation of social and educational potential;
• meeting people's needs for psychological comfort and emotional support, a sense of security, a sense of value and significance of their “I”, emotional warmth and love;
• creating conditions for the development of the personality of all family members;
• satisfaction of sexual and erotic needs;
• meeting the needs for joint leisure activities;
• organization of joint housekeeping, division of labor in the family, mutual assistance;
• satisfying a person’s need to communicate with loved ones, to establish strong communication ties with them;
• satisfaction of individual needs for fatherhood or motherhood, contacts with children, their upbringing and self-realization in children;
• social control over the behavior of individual family members;
• organizing activities to provide financial support for the family;
• recreational function – protecting the health of family members, organizing their rest, relieving stress [95].
At the same time, A. N. Elizarov believes that healthy relationships in the family are possible when the family gives birth to and raises children. According to A.G. Kharchev, the main function of the family is “child production”, while the remaining functions are external, additional, to which the family, so to speak, is forced. S. V. Kovalev devotes a special place to the psychotherapeutic function of the family, emphasizing that communication between spouses must perform a psychotherapeutic function - be a means of relaxation and calm.
Family psychology specialists believe that currently the family performs the following functions:
• Economic function. This function is associated with the organization of family life and everyday life: home improvement, general housekeeping, acquisition and maintenance of property, creating home comfort, etc.
• Reproductive function. The integrity of the sexual need, which ensures procreation, and love as the highest feeling makes it impossible to separate one from the other. Marital love largely depends on the nature of the satisfaction of sexual needs, the characteristics of their regulation and the attitude towards the problem of childbirth and the children themselves.
• Regenerative function. It is associated with the inheritance of status, surname, property, and social status.
• Educational function (socialization). It consists of satisfaction in fatherhood and motherhood, contacts with children, their upbringing, and self-realization in children. The family ensures the physical and emotional development of a person; the family, which is important, influences the formation of the child’s psychological gender (the first three years are decisive); the family plays a big role in the mental development of the child (the educational level of the family and the interests of its members subsequently affect the child’s desire for learning and self-development); family is important in a person’s mastery of social norms; It is also in the family that a person’s basic value orientations are formed.
• Recreational function. It is associated with recreation, organizing family leisure, caring for the health and well-being of household members.
• Psychotherapeutic function of the family. It appeared relatively recently and is associated with the establishment of close emotional relationships in the family; the family acts as reliable protection and support both in times of crisis for its members and in everyday life.
If we consider the family as a social institution and a small group, we can notice that ideas about the family are moving away from the unconditionally recognized functions given by society, and are increasingly approaching the image of the family as a small group in which functions, roles and values depend on the individuals who comprise it. The specific features inherent in each family are reflected, first of all, in the main areas of its life, which are under the constant influence of various factors of society. Marriage and family relationships are formed and developed in the family as a reflection of diverse interpersonal contacts, the entire system of values and expectations of the socio-psychological aspect.
A small group in social psychology is a community of people united by a set of interpersonal relationships formed in joint activities, which are manifested in love and affection. A small group is not only a guide that corrects the influence of society on the individual, but also the arena where the individual gives back to society, where the individual realizes the learned social ideals. A small group, in particular a family, is not just any contacts between people, but contacts in which certain social connections are realized and which are mediated by the joint activities of these people.
The family as a small social group has a number of psychological characteristics that are unique to it:
• the presence of not one, but a number of family goals that can change in the process of family development;
• partial differences in the interests and attitudes of family members;
• the presence of a married couple, the relationship in which largely determines the nature of interaction in the family;
• inclusion of representatives of different generations and a much longer period of close acquaintance between its members than in other groups;
• the family is not bound by joint activities in the same sense as the joint activities of other groups;
• versatility and significance of family relationships, and their interrelation;
• special openness and vulnerability of family members.
In addition to psychological characteristics, the family is also characterized by certain socio-psychological processes. One of these processes is communication, since it is in it that family and interpersonal relationships are revealed and realized. Communication is the implementation of the entire system of human family relations.
Intrafamily communication is characterized by identifying three interrelated aspects: communicative, interactive and perceptual. The communicative side of communication consists of the exchange of information between communicating family members. The interactive side consists in organizing interaction between communicating family members, that is, in the exchange of not only knowledge, but also actions. The perceptual side means the process of communication partners perceiving each other and establishing mutual understanding on this basis. In the real life of a family, each of these sides does not exist in isolation from the other two [96].
Another aspect of the socio-psychological processes inherent in the family is represented by such phenomena as the phenomenon of group pressure or “conformism”, group cohesion, and psychological compatibility.
The phenomenon of “conformism” is inherent not so much in the process of family formation as in the “connection” of a new member to it. For example, when a completely new person joins an “ordinary” family as a result of the formation of a young family. However, in relation to the family, it is advisable to talk about conformity, meaning a purely psychological characteristic of the individual’s position relative to the position of all other family members, his acceptance or rejection of a certain standard, opinion characteristic of the family, the extent of his “submission” to intrafamily pressure.
Family subordination is a psychological characteristic of the unity and interconnectedness of individuals in a family. This dynamic characteristic of the process of development of intrafamily ties manifests itself at three levels:
• superficial or interpersonal level (reflects the emotional attractiveness of family members, psychological compatibility);
• the level of attitudes of family members to its functions, goals and prospects (it represents the value-orientation unity of the family);
• the level of identifying the essence of family cohesion (shows the family’s resistance to destructive influences that destroy it).
The most important criteria for assessing the level of family cohesion are:
• degree of unity of activity (coherence, cooperation, creative unity);
• moral and psychological unity (conformity of personal and family aspirations, coincidence of views, similarity of norms and values);
• level of development of personal qualities of spouses (communication, resistance to stress);
• the content of the socio-psychological climate (prevailing moods, the degree of compliance with each other, trust and goodwill, the presence of attention and care for each other).
Traditionally, the “nucleus” of a family is considered to be a married couple, with the addition of children, relatives, and spouses’ parents to the “core.” Nowadays, separate, simple or nuclear families are the predominant form among all families.
“Nuclear” - from the word “nuclea” - core, that is, the main part, basis. This emphasizes that a nuclear family is a married couple (nucleus, main part) living separately (without parents and relatives) with or without children. The main form of a nuclear family is a nuclear family with few children. Unlike a multi-generational extended family, it is simpler, more democratic, more mobile, free from the regulatory influence of older generations and, thus, more adapted to modern living conditions.
Many young families would like to live separately from their parents. The desire for independence, for self-reliance, and the desire to build family life in one’s own way are reflected. In general, the atmosphere and living conditions of young nuclear families are more conducive to self-expression, the manifestation of abilities, personal qualities of spouses, and qualities that are not only positive.
Relations between people in the system of psychological knowledge are understood as, firstly, a certain system of interaction, contacts, connections, and secondly, the subject’s assessment of these interactions and contacts themselves, as well as the partners participating in them. These aspects - objective and evaluative - represent two aspects of the reality of family life. For a family, the frequency of contacts and their content are determined by how family members relate to each other, that is, the emotional component of interpersonal relationships subjectively and objectively determines the state and development of interaction.
Emotional relationships have been studied in many ways by L. Ya. Gozman, significant ones - by A. A. Kronik and E. A. Kronik, however, the authors solved the problem of clarifying the patterns of emergence, development, stabilization and disintegration of emotional and significant relationships.
According to M. Foucault, marital ties as the art of living in marriage are determined by relationships that are dual in form, universal in meaning and specific in intensity and strength. The duality of family relationships is due to sexual dimorphism, on the one hand, and the duality of the goals of marriage - procreation and friendly family life together, on the other. The universality of marriage and family is associated with the duty of every human being who wishes to live in accordance with nature, and, at the same time, with the duty of the individual who intends to lead a life useful for others and humanity as a whole. The matrimonial relationship is a universal law. The uniqueness of marriage and family lies in their emotional and blood-related potential. Understood as the most important and intimate of all possible relationships, the marital bond defines an entire way of being that distinguishes a certain art of being together.
Marriage as a psychological relationship, according to C. Jung, has a number of features:
• the purpose and content of marriage act as awareness of unconscious motives and influences;
• the inevitability of creating a happy marriage through the transformation of unconscious motives into conscious ones;
• the possibility of establishing psychological relationships in marriage only in the second half of life;
• a view of the conflict atmosphere as an indispensable precondition for awareness.
Family relationships are influenced by external and internal factors. External factors include the totality of material and spiritual conditions existing in a given society. This determines interpersonal relationships in society, the workforce, and the family.
The actions and manifestations of internal factors are observed at the level of interpersonal relationships through the implementation (or vice versa) of mutual expectations, their internal satisfaction with the relationship process. The internal factors contributing to the successful functioning of the family include the individual psychological characteristics of the spouses: these are the intellectual, characterological and socio-psychological characteristics of the spouses.
Of particular importance in the development of family relationships are the life strategies of spouses: internal control - external control; egoism – sociocentrism (altruism); orientation towards social norms - towards oneself; acceptance of contradictions - their rejection; self-esteem - lack of self-confidence.
To date, various forms of marriage and family relations have developed, the most common of which are the following:
• Marriage and family relations based on a fair contract system. Both spouses have a clear idea of what they want from the marriage and expect certain material benefits. The terms of the contract themselves cement and help solve vital problems. Emotional attachment, which can hardly be called love, but which nevertheless exists in such a union, as a rule, intensifies over time. Although, if the family exists only as an economic unit, the feeling of emotional takeoff is completely lost. In such marriage and family relations, the degree of freedom of each spouse is maximum, and personal involvement is minimal.
• Marriage and family relations based on an unfair contract. A man and a woman try to extract one-sided benefits from marriage and thereby harm their spouse. There is no need to talk about love here either, although often in this version of marriage and family relations it is one-sided (in the name of which the spouse, realizing that he is being deceived and exploited, endures everything).
• Marriage and family relations under duress. One of the future spouses “besieges” the other, and either due to certain life circumstances or out of pity, he finally agrees to a compromise. In such cases, it is difficult to talk about deep feelings: on the part of the “besieger”, ambition, the desire to possess the object of worship, and passion are more likely to prevail. When such a marriage finally takes place, the “besieger” begins to consider the spouse his property. The feeling of freedom necessary in marriage and family is absolutely excluded here.
• Marriage and family relations as ritual fulfillment of social and normative guidelines. At a certain age, people come to the conclusion that everyone around them is married and that it is time to start a family. This is a marriage without love and without calculation, but only following certain social stereotypes. In such families, the prerequisites for a long family life are not often created. Most often, such marriage and family relationships develop by chance and just as accidentally break up, without leaving deep traces.
• Marriage and family relationships, sanctified by love. Two people connect voluntarily because they cannot imagine their lives without each other. In a love marriage, the restrictions that the spouses accept are purely voluntary: they enjoy spending their free time together, with members of their family, and they like to do something good for each other and for the rest of the family. The marriage-family form of such relationships is built on trust, on greater respect for the person than for generally accepted norms.
In the history of mankind, many forms of organizing marriage relations have changed, corresponding to a certain level of socio-economic development of society. At the same time, not only the forms of marriage themselves are variable, but also the view of marriage and family in modern society is undergoing dramatic changes. The focus of family studies is gradually moving from economic factors to personal-psychological, moral-emotional factors.
In all countries, the level of urbanization affects family structure. Spacious families are less common. The number of children in the family is decreasing. In modern cities, the free choice of a partner is sharply increasing. The age of young people getting married is increasing. The power of parents over children and the power of men over women is reduced. Migration processes affecting the modern family are intensifying.
I. S. Golod emphasizes that structural changes in the family have been taking place over the course of a century, functional changes - since the beginning of the 20th century, and the intensification of personal interaction between spouses - only in the last few decades. If we limit ourselves to the last years of European civilization, we can note that the family is built around marital relations, and not for the sake of blood; the tendency of family members to individualize is growing; alternative forms of marriage and family relations arise; marriage is freed from religious, national, socio-demographic prejudices; New ways of solving family problems are being formed.
Research by domestic and foreign authors (O. A. Karabanova, B. N. Kochubey, G. Navaitis, V. Satir, D. Skinner, L. D. Schneider, E. G. Eidemiller, V. V. Yustitsky, etc. ), dedicated to the problems of family and marriage, are no longer a rare occurrence. Most of the works reflected the functions of the family, the causes of family conflicts and divorces, and methods of family therapy. The range of psychological works in which the subject of study was family relationships determined by cultural specifics is significantly limited.
Thus, our research is based on the idea of the dependence of the family and its internal relations on the nature of historically developing institutions [247]. The family is a complex system of relationships that unites not only spouses, but also their children, as well as other relatives or simply people close to the spouses and people they need. We are of the view that a family is a systemic-functional association of emotionally close and significant people based on marriage, kinship and parenthood. Family life is determined by the conditions of development of a particular society.
Shelf No. 1. Family relationships psychology
It's no secret that we attract into our lives exactly the kind of people we deserve. Therefore, if it seems to you that your neighbor’s husband, who is economical, loving, and hard-working, cannot be compared with yours, then, most likely, his wife is a match. In a relationship, you need to, first of all, take care of yourself, and only then blame your partner. If you see negative qualities in your spouse, then most likely you have them too.
One wise man said: “What you see in me is not mine, it is yours. Mine is what I see in you.”
Do you agree with these words? Harmony in a family may not develop immediately; over the course of many years, partners “penetrate” each other, mold, create, so that one fine day they can look at each other, as if in a mirror, and say: “This is my soulmate.” .
When does a crisis occur in a relationship and what are the reasons for it?
When does a crisis occur?
After the wedding
As a rule, after marriage, couples begin to live a family life that over time has less and less in common with the relationship that existed before marriage. The atmosphere of romance often disappears, and not all spouses easily cope with everyday challenges.
However, even if the lovers had already lived together before the wedding, the stamp in the passport forces some spouses to look at the relationship differently. If a man or woman was actually not ready for official marriage, then it drives them into depression - one of the spouses begins to believe that his freedom is lost, he has lost his attractiveness to the opposite sex, and so on.
After the baby arrives
Many married couples dream of having a baby, but not all of them realize the difficulties they ultimately face. This is especially true for a couple who have had their first child and who previously had no clear idea of what it was like to care for a baby. If a child turns out to be restless, then this becomes a serious test for young parents.
Treason
Not every spouse is able to come to terms with their partner’s betrayal. Even if a husband or wife forgives his chosen one (chosen one) and agrees to rebuild the relationship in marriage, it is still not always possible to realize this. Subsequently, past grievances make themselves felt every now and then, and ultimately still lead to a crisis.
Possible reasons
- Lack of money. Some psychologists are convinced that quarrels over money arise in families in which calculation prevails or in which husband and wife have unjustified expectations from each other. However, it is obvious that it is difficult to maintain harmony in a relationship if there is not enough money for basic needs, such as simple food and utility bills. It’s one thing if this problem is temporary, and quite another thing if the situation has been dragging on for a long time.
- Lack of time for yourself. When family obligations and work take up almost all the time of one of the partners, and he has no time left for himself (careful self-care, meetings with friends or relatives, hobbies), then this can subsequently develop into chronic fatigue and serious conflict.
- Ordinary. When getting married, most couples are confident that they will be able to maintain the ease of the relationship, but over the months, and even more so over the years, this passion weakens. Of course, some partners still manage to maintain a romantic relationship by giving each other various small and big surprises. However, there are much fewer such couples than those who begin to live an ordinary and even boring life.
- Life Unfortunately, many families have broken up due to such a banal problem as incorrect distribution of household responsibilities, or ignoring them. Often one of the spouses has to take on the lion's share of household chores, which he simply cannot cope with in the end, which leads to a nervous breakdown and problems in the relationship. It also happens that one of the partners periodically ignores the responsibilities assigned to him, which causes dissatisfaction and indignation of his other half.
Shelf No. 2. Boomerang always comes back
Your attitude towards your husband determines his attitude towards you. However, this law also applies to other people you meet in life. You woke up in the morning in a bad mood and muttered: “Stop making noise, you’ll wake the children!” When will you get ready for your job?” My husband got ready, but was very late for dinner that evening. Do you get the connection?
Here is another scenario from the same morning. We didn’t get enough sleep, what nonsense. We quickly make a simple and hearty breakfast, give our spouse a fresh shirt and underwear so that he doesn’t rummage in the closet for half an hour, seeing him off, we kiss him at the door with the words: “Have a nice day, my love!” And hurry home in the evening, a surprise awaits you!” Do you think he'll hurry up? Only we ourselves write the script according to which our relationships in the family develop.
Shelf No. 3. About love in relationships
True love begins where nothing is expected in return. If you ironed your husband’s trousers in the hope that he will buy you new beads, this is not love at all, but calculation and self-interest. In marriage, you need to be able to give and give your tenderness, warmth, care, selflessly and recklessly. The relationship between wife and husband is not about profitable barter, but about understanding and respect.
Learn to love, and then your family will be truly comfortable. Children will rush to see you after school, your spouse will prefer to spend evenings at home rather than with friends at a bar. After all, he knows that not reproaches, jealousy, claims and swearing await him, but a quiet, calm haven where he can relax and unwind.
Women's psychology in relationships with men
The lion's share of visitors to all kinds of trainings on “pumping up” relationships are women. They are by nature more prone to constant attempts to influence the feelings of their chosen one using techniques gleaned from psychologists, on forums and from friends. The psychology of a woman in a relationship is based on feelings of love and affection. She cannot break off a long-term relationship as quickly as her partner because she suddenly realized that love has passed. Thanks to the compassion of girls, painful romances with betrayals and quarrels become possible.
Psychology of the victim in relationships with men
Sometimes pity and fear of change play such a cruel joke on the fair sex that they become participants in a sacrificial scenario. The psychology of the victim in a relationship suggests that the wife or girlfriend is subconsciously afraid of her partner and feels helpless, unable to fight back. Often she is condemned by her family or society, insisting that “it is her own fault” - this only makes the situation worse.
There may be several reasons for this:
- difficult childhood;
- experience of communicating with a manipulator;
- serious problems with self-esteem.
In no case should you put up with the behavior of a tyrant, and at the first manifestations of tyranny you need to take decisive action:
- Immediately after a situation arises during which a feeling of psychological pressure appears, you can gently let your loved one know that you no longer intend to tolerate it.
- A man who takes the position of boss in a relationship, but respects his wife, needs to be returned to equality. You will have to be patient: this is the only way to change the current situation for the better.
- If emotional abuse takes extreme forms, you will have to think about breaking up.
Relationships with a divorced man - psychology
The psychology of a relationship with a man who has recently filed for divorce involves living with a person who has faced severe mental trauma. No matter how much he tries to show his indifference, it will take time for the emotional tension to truly disappear. Be prepared for the fact that your partner is able to put on the mask of a misogynist or womanizer, hiding from the fear of repeating an unsuccessful marriage.
Experts are confident that male psychology in relationships will finally stabilize two years after breaking up with his ex-wife. During this time, it is advisable for the woman next to him to avoid discussing topics related to divorce. If you have a child together with your ex-wife, try not to interfere with the man’s desire to see him.
Relationships with a married man - psychology
Love for someone else's husband is considered forbidden, but this does not prevent a huge number of girls from getting involved in communication with those who have been officially married for a long time and successfully. It’s really fortunate, because the husband is pushed “to the left” not by fading feelings, but by the search for novelty in sex, the desire to establish himself or take revenge. At the same time, the psychology of the relationship between a man and his mistress often includes the image of a harmful or seriously ill wife, from whom the husband is allegedly afraid to leave. The mistress will have to come to terms with the position of a “second wife”, listening to such excuses and spending the holidays alone.
Shelf No. 4. Heavyweight word: psychology of communication
We won’t talk about fights and assault in the family; I hope you don’t go to such extremes. But verbal beating is a very common technique, and it works no worse than fists. In quarrels, sometimes such unpleasant things come up, after which it is difficult to look into each other’s eyes, and you still have to live under the same roof and try to be happy. Is this what you want?
With relatives you need to be tolerant and careful in your expressions. They are much more vulnerable than outsiders. Try to think positively, even when swearing and sorting things out, do not allow abuse and insults to creep into your head, otherwise, without even noticing it, they will come out of your mouth.
Shelf No. 5. Nothing but the truth
Let me clarify. You should not cut the truth, as at a court hearing. It's more about sincerity. In a family where there is no trust and sincere relationships, sooner or later discord will occur. If you have accumulated suspicions as to why your husband is so often late at work, you should not accuse him of cheating. Sit down and talk in the evening over a cup of tea. “Darling, you’ve got so much work to do lately, you’re probably getting tired,” this is how a wise woman will start a conversation. The stupid one will start poking her husband, who is tired by the evening, with a long woman’s hair taken from his shirt and shouting: “What is this? How dare you?!"
And be as sincere as possible, only by doing this will you induce your partner to be honest in return. Remember “shelves” No. 1 and 3. So, we trust and tell the truth.
Shelf No. 6. Regarding touches
“Touching” moments in a relationship are very important, as well as spiritual intimacy. The need for physical contact has been ingrained in us since childhood. I, of course, am not talking about sexual touching, but about ordinary hugs, touching the arm, stroking the head, shoulder. It’s not for nothing that little children love tenderness and “hugs” so much.
Well, when we become adults, we forget that we once needed this too, but inside there remains unspent tenderness and the need for a response. Your husband comes home from work, meet him at the door, hug him, massage his shoulders after dinner, don’t forget to show your love physically more often. This will benefit both of you, and will bind you to each other even stronger.
Every couple experiences a difficult period in a relationship.
It is important to realize that similar problems happen to many couples. At first, a crisis can even bring partners together, but if it cannot be overcome within a year, then this most often turns into even more serious problems - spouses begin to associate relationships with difficulties, survival, struggle and ultimately cause feelings of rejection and negative emotions .
Many psychologists point out that if partners do not have common values for which they can unite, then, most likely, they will separate - it is easier for them to break the union, since it turns out that solving difficulties together is harder than one at a time.
A crisis in a relationship often turns out to be a kind of test for any couple - if the spouses do not pass this test, then this is not always a bad thing. Often, after breaking up, they reevaluate their attitude towards their partner and get back together again, taking into account all their past mistakes. It may also be that breaking the relationship benefits both parties - they are still convinced that they are better off alone than together. However, if the family managed to cope with the problem, then in the future this, as a rule, has a positive effect on the relationship.
