What is family? Answering this question, a person seems to sober up. After all, for many people, family becomes a certain necessity that they must have, and then solve the problems that arise. Due to the fact that people rarely think about the question of what a family is for them, they are often faced with the situation of having to preserve it. And here another question arises: is it worth doing? The psychotherapeutic website psymedcare.ru will tell you all about family relationships and difficult choices.
What is family to you? Try to answer this question to understand what you really want. The problem of many modern people is that they must observe certain traditions that have been going on since ancient times, while at the same time they have received freedom of decisions and actions, which allows a person to abandon people and destroy what he has built at any slightest dissatisfaction.
Divorces are becoming more common today as people have gained freedom:
- They have the right to divorce, even if the other spouses are against it.
- Their society no longer blames them for the fact that their family was once destroyed.
- Many people have learned to constantly marry and divorce someone, thus creating families several times during their lives.
In the old days, people did not get divorced because it was shameful and unacceptable. Modern man is free in his decisions, despite the fact that the traditions of bygone times are still preserved.
It is these traditions, when every girl should dream of getting married and when every guy should raise a son, that make people celebrate weddings. Psychologists note that many couples did not need to register their relationship at all, since they absolutely do not understand the essence of family and do not need it at all. If from childhood girls were not encouraged to get married, and boys were not encouraged to start families, perhaps most couples would never get married due to lack of necessity.
Divorces only happen for two main reasons:
- Spouses do not need family relationships. Most likely, they were guided by illusory ideas about what a family is. And when they achieved what they wanted, they realized that they absolutely did not want to live a family life.
- The spouses do not understand and are not ready for family life. They feel an internal need to be family people, but they forget that they need to work to save the marriage, they need to make efforts to ensure that everything is in order in the house, put things in order, earn money, resolve conflict situations together, etc.
Due to the fact that people do not know why they need a family, or are simply not ready for family life, they often face a situation where their marriages need to be saved because they are on the verge of breaking up.
Should I save my family?
Before asking for advice or listening to someone’s recommendations, you need to honestly answer yourself the troubling question: is it necessary to save the family? To understand your motives and motives, identify the causes of conflicts in the family.
The first main reason for family scandals is the gradual ignoring of the partner’s personal qualities, the transition to the perception of his functionality. It's an offensive statement, but it's true.
Women, getting married, picture for themselves the image of an ideal husband. In their dreams, he earns decent money, doesn’t stay late at work, gives flowers, expensive gifts, screws on his toothpaste cap, doesn’t throw his things around, etc.
Men see an ideal wife with excellent culinary skills, who creates comfort, cleanliness in the house, always has a smile on her face and loves bed pleasures.
Life doesn't always go according to the script. And any person, be it a man or a woman, can become sick, sad, tired, or secluded. The other half will find this behavior strange, and the end result will be conflict. This happens in most Russian families; over time, people stop respecting each other’s feelings and desires.
An equally important reason for family discord is the lack of love and complete mutual understanding, hatred of each other and reluctance to reunite. In this case, saving the family is not worth it even for the sake of the children.
In any case, only a deep analysis of one’s own relationships will provide an answer to the question posed about the need to preserve marriage ties.
How to improve relations with your husband on the verge of a crisis in family relations. Why do people get divorced
The husband and wife need to figure it out and understand why they want to separate. The investigation should begin by looking for the reasons. Although every couple is unique, problems in relationships always develop according to similar scenarios and have similar causes:
- Cheating is the most common reason for breakups, even among loving couples. The pain of betrayal is so strong that many are unable to overcome it and move on.
- Frequent conflicts and quarrels are another factor that can lead to thoughts of separation. A favorable atmosphere in the family is the main condition for happiness and mutual understanding in a relationship.
- Alcoholism and other types of addictions also lead to separation. An unhealthy hobby of one of the spouses affects not only the relationship, but also the quality of life. Addiction destroys all areas of life.
- Lack of understanding of what is happening in relationships and lack of knowledge about how they can be restored. Due to the fact that the spouses do not see it possible to correct on their own what does not satisfy them, they decide to break the connection. But this is not a solution, because without understanding what is happening, you can encounter the same problem in future relationships.
- Lying destroys mutual trust - the foundation of a happy marriage. Divorce can be delayed for a long time, but it will still happen sooner or later, because deception does not provide the opportunity to get closer and be happy.
- The discrepancy between life goals is the reason why there is no point in working to restore feelings. For example, if one partner wants children and a house outside the city, and the second wants to devote his life to travel, then a full-fledged family will not work.
- In the case of protracted financial or housing problems, relationships can also collapse. If the spouses are unable to agree and reach a compromise, a breakup is the only way to improve the situation.
- A popular reason for divorce is cooling of feelings, lack of mutual sympathy. For example, dramatic changes in the appearance of one of the spouses.
Advice from a psychologist on how to save a family
Family psychologists in divorce situations advise not to rush into making a final decision.
To save a marriage, they recommend that spouses:
- calm down,
- sit opposite each other
- remember the happiest, most joyful moments in life,
- try to focus on pleasant little things.
- The main thing is not to be discouraged, not to give up in a difficult situation - it is easier to overcome difficulties together than alone.
How to save a family: advice to your husband
The man is the main one in the family, and therefore must overcome difficulties purposefully. Confidence, humor, intelligence, perseverance, and patience will not interfere in the fight. If you have a feeling that your marriage is about to break up, which you really don’t want, you should listen to the advice of psychologists who recommend:
- study the interests and habits of your other half;
- get as much compromising information as possible about your wife’s friends, their connections, mistakes in their personal lives;
- find out who the spouse works with, in what company, what she does, what her responsibilities are, and what she experiences difficulties with;
- give bouquets, sweets, gifts for no reason;
- show attention to the inner life of your other half;
- do not forget to praise for the prepared lunch and dinner;
- enjoy the comfort of home, while noting that she creates all this;
- compliment and admire her appearance.
What is this all for? And everything is quite simple. During quarrels with your loved one, you can compare your own relationship with those of your friends. Such statements will show your wife that perhaps not everything in your family is as bad as she thought. And the spouse will perceive the sympathy shown for difficulties at work as attentiveness and care. Ultimately, the conflict will most likely end in reconciliation.
how to save a family: advice to your wife
It is easier for a woman to save a family than for a man. After all, she is gifted with natural wisdom, ingenuity, and intuition.
Psychologists advise being a little smarter, more insightful, and following the following recommendations:
- talk with your husband more often in the evenings, take an interest in the day and events that have passed, become his friend;
- make her husband believe that he is still dear to her;
- show interest in his friends and their common hobbies;
- in the absence of intimacy, begin to monitor your appearance, thereby making him jealous;
- do not be afraid to take initiative in bed, flirt more often;
- control your emotions, do not throw scandals on every occasion.
These simple rules will help you avoid serious conflicts and divorce. Only calm conversations and compromise solutions found can save a marriage relationship.
How to save a family if your wife stops loving you. My wife has fallen out of love and wants a divorce: fight or let go
This is difficult to accept and it really hits your ego. But it still happens - women sometimes leave their families. First, we decide - what to do if the wife has fallen out of love and wants a divorce?
Your first reaction is to give it back by all means? It won't be easy. And you will have to radically reconsider family life and work out the causes of the problem.
First rational actions
First of all, you need to decide on the motives of your intention to return your wife.
If the reason for such an impulse is the desire to have personal “property” or a “housewife” at his disposal, family reunification will sooner or later end in failure.
It is worth establishing relationships only based on sincere motives based on love and mutual respect.
After all, sometimes a breakup is the best outcome for spouses, and they are held back solely by fear of the future and life changes.
Determining who is wrong and what to do next
Let's look at the most popular possible options.
Option 1: It's your fault
If the claim on the part of the wife was related to “going to the left”, you need to find a way to calmly convey to the wife that the reason for the betrayal was dissatisfaction with intimate life or a feeling of loneliness.
The very fact of male infidelity reduces a woman's self-esteem
In case of problems arising from alcohol abuse, it is worth demonstrating a willingness to give up alcohol and other bad habits.
Second option: she just doesn’t want to continue the relationship
The best tactic at this stage is to wait.
A man who wants to save his family will need to make a lot of effort to remain on good friendly terms with his wife. Even if she has a boyfriend, she should not provoke discord and scandals.
On the contrary, it is recommended to wait until the first quarrel, during which to provide all possible support to the woman, without talking about reconciliation and restoration of relations.
It is important to listen to the following practical tips:
- Work on your own shortcomings that irritated your spouse during the period of cohabitation. At the same time, it is necessary to develop virtues and regularly devote time to self-improvement.
- Treat your wife with indifference. This does not mean that you need to demonstrate through your behavior a lack of friendliness and willingness to help. Even if the spouse herself starts talking about restoring the relationship, it is necessary to maintain composure.
It often takes a woman a very long period of time to decide to return to her ex-husband.
A new relationship can make her feel euphoric
However, with the emergence of everyday problems and disagreements, the initial intensity of passions subsides and is replaced by disappointment in the new chosen one.
It is important to find out the reason that led to the discord and subsequent separation. Without analyzing the problem, it is unlikely that it will be possible to solve it, and all the actions taken will not lead to a positive result.
Third option: if you just stopped loving and left
If the departure of his wife is associated with a new chosen one, the man needs to stop looking for those to blame, and take responsibility for the current situation solely on himself.
Often, in another gentleman, a woman looks for those character traits that her husband lacked. Therefore, instead of resentment and cultivating pity for one’s own person, a man should analyze the personality of a competitor and take steps to work on mistakes and improve himself.
Throwing mud at your opponent is an indicator of weakness and inability to cope with life
What can help
Grand gestures like an expensive gift or a gorgeous bouquet of flowers delivered to work by courier, although considered banal, can have a positive effect.
It is sometimes useful to stroke a woman's vanity, especially in cases where it has been suppressed throughout the marriage. You can attach a letter to the bouquet in which you sincerely apologize for the mistakes made and promise your spouse to do everything possible to change the negative traits of your character.
Inviting your ex-wife on a date is often useful, but you should be properly prepared and show imagination and ingenuity.
A man who did not pay attention to romance during the period of cohabitation can be advised to arrange an unforgettable dinner for his wife in an unusual setting, which will stir up feelings and make him look at him in a new way.
If your wife's kitchen faucet breaks, you should offer her help in repairing it. If you don’t have the skills of a plumber, you can first scour the Internet or seek advice from a specialist so as not to “fall in the face.”
When a man is determined to get his wife back by “taking” her away from a new gentleman, he needs to immediately understand that accusing her of treason and reproaching her is strictly prohibited.
If, when new problems and misunderstandings arise, the spouse leaves again for another man, there is no point in making attempts to restore the relationship.
See more articles about relationships.
How to forgive betrayal and save your family
Women sometimes don’t understand how to forgive betrayal and save their family after it. First you need to find the reason for his going to the side. Perhaps there is a woman’s fault in this, a lack of intimacy, basic respect, admiration. Forgiving betrayal is quite difficult, but you have to try.
It's another matter if the situation happens again. There is no point in forgiving a second time; it is better to break off the relationship forever. Only faith in your spouse, love for him, and confidence in correction will help you forget about betrayal and forgive betrayal.
Women's infidelities are more difficult for men to forgive. They are selfish and possessive by nature. Therefore, in such cases, only a few families survive. Most often, those men who forgive are those who see and admit their guilt in such behavior of their wives.
For example, frequent, long business trips, personal infidelity, lack of attention, and bad habits can push women into the arms of others. Although it is difficult for the weaker sex to commit treason. To do this, a woman needs to fall in love with her partner, or be very offended by her husband and take revenge in this way.
To maintain a relationship after cheating, you need to believe in your soul mate and give it a chance to improve. Some couples stay married in such situations for the well-being of their children. Joint walks, trips, conversations, regular communication, mutual interest - these are the main helpers in preserving a family. Love your household, be together more often, seek advice on any matter, show sincere interest and care.
How to restore a relationship with your husband on the verge of divorce, advice from a psychologist.
Why did the relationship cool down?
There is an opinion that true love cannot fade away.
And if this happened, it means that this person is not yours.
However, psychologists say that any relationship needs to be worked on, and they highlight the reasons why it may go wrong:
- Everything good that happened in the couple’s past is devalued. One spouse blames the other for wasted youth. Because of the difficulties that the husband and wife are going through now, they think that there was nothing positive before, and all they have is an unhappy marriage. Such dialogues gradually lead the couple to the understanding that there is no point in continuing their life together, in which quarrels and scandals have crowded out joy.
- Comparing your spouse unflatteringly with others. Colleagues, friends, the neighbor's wife - it seems that they are all better than their legal half. More carefree, more attentive, slimmer. However, this is not a reason to regularly cite them as an example to a loved one. This causes the development of complexes and increases irritation.
- High expectations and routine. Family life was seen as an endless holiday, and as a result, the wife, tired and overloaded with housework, could barely cope with the children, and the husband traveled between work and home every day. It's time to stop and see how we can help each other, how to bring pleasure into everyday life.
- Accumulation of grievances and quarrels with personalization. Every day my spouse's behavior becomes more and more annoying. He is inattentive, unnecessary, does not apologize for mistakes, has not yet become rich - a lot of reasons for dissatisfaction. During a quarrel, all this is expressed, accompanied by unflattering epithets. If scandals occur once a week or more often, the relationship begins to crack.
- Interest disappears, the spouse is having an affair, and there is no recovery from the betrayal. Psychologists focus on the continuous development of spouses. If one partner gets stuck, the other can move on without him. Common interests disappear, there is nothing to talk about. In this case, a third party may appear who will share the hobby of the husband or wife. And it’s not far from spending time together to cheating. Therefore, it is so important to be attentive to what is happening in the life of your spouse and to share the interests of your spouse.
Preserving the family for children, is it necessary to preserve it for the sake of the children?
Psychologists believe that saving a family for the sake of children is not worth it. It’s one thing if the spouses still have feelings for each other and deep down do not want a divorce. Here you can and should try to preserve the relationship for the future well-being of your joint children.
But if there is no love, mutual understanding, quarrels occur every day, spouses ignore each other - there is no point in saving the marriage. It will only be worse for the child to live in such a family. Children perfectly feel the oppressive atmosphere, worrying about their beloved parents. With age, the feeling of guilt for the unhappy life of the mother and father will begin to haunt constantly.
If divorce is inevitable, the main thing is not to deprive the children of the attention of both parents. Frequent meetings with a calm mother and father separately will help cope with the unpleasant consequences of the divorce process.
Psychologist Peter Dmitrievsky
How to keep a happy family? Advice from a psychologist. Interview with Arguments and Facts.
Most women prefer men with deep voices - but not at all for family relationships, say researchers from Canada's McMaster University. But if not the voice, then what is most important for creating a happy family, says psychologist Pyotr Dmitrievsky.
The number of divorces is growing. Why don't modern people get along together?
Today, both internal and external incentives to stay married have weakened greatly. Just a century ago, the need to live together was one of the strong external incentives. Now, with a developed infrastructure of laundries, pizza delivery, car services, kindergartens and other services, both men and women are quite able to live a comfortable life without joining a family. In addition, now divorce practically does not lead to any risks for career growth and development: there is no need to report about your personal life either to the party committee or to the Church.
In the absence of external “props,” a marriage can be held together by one of two internal stimuli: either security or a sense of meaning. In the first case we are talking about the so-called. “marriage of convenience”, where the basis of the relationship is a clear contract “you for me, I for you.” In such a marriage, the value of intimacy is not so great; it is somewhat similar to a business project with clear responsibility of the parties, and this is the key to its strength.
In marriages where spouses value a sense of joy, pleasure from being together and getting to know each other, people have to face the fact that pleasure and pain are intricately intertwined in any relationship. Therefore, the key to the stability of such a family is a special attitude towards disappointment and pain. When practicing martial arts, the discomfort that arises during training is perceived by a person as a natural test on the path and does not lead to refusal to follow the goal. In the same way, the family journey will last a long time if the man and woman treat their marriage as a kind of spiritual practice, when a misunderstanding or painful feeling that arises is perceived not as a reason for divorce, but as a new joint difficult task. In fact, there are not very many such couples, which is why the number of marriages ending in divorce is quite large.
Why does this happen: she seems smart and beautiful, but she can’t get married until she’s 40? And all sorts of little things quickly pop up... and quite successfully
In a good way, this question “pushes” for a full-fledged three-day seminar, so when answering in a few sentences, some simplification is inevitable. First, to illustrate, I will give one example. At one time, my driving instructor taught this: “Remember: your actions on the road may be incorrect, but they must be clear and predictable for other road users. The most infuriating thing is when the other driver hesitates and forgets to turn on the turn signals.” Likewise, girls who do not have model looks can be captivated by the directness and clarity of the message: “I like you. And this is what I can offer." The more unclear the “message” coming from a woman, the more difficult it is for a man to decide on close interaction.
Another reason: the more a woman fixates on maintaining the image of “smart and beautiful,” the less likely she is to meet two living people with real strengths and weaknesses. It’s not a shame to come to a party with such beauties, but it’s scary to get close to her, because all the time there’s a feeling that we don’t really know each other.
It also hinders intimacy if a woman has many unrealistic expectations from her partner. In this case, the man gets the feeling that, firstly, it is not he himself that is valuable to his partner, but a certain image, a certain shadow. Or a sad feeling may systematically arise that he always “falls short” of some imaginary ideal. And who would want to live in a family with a feeling of shame and melancholy?
In this sense, often the so-called “Simple girls” turn out to be more relaxed, accepting both themselves and their partner for who they really are. They themselves do not “pretend” and there is no need to “pretend” with them. And this cannot but be favorable.
Are regular quarrels beneficial or harmful? Some say: after so many years, we have become so accustomed to each other that we no longer quarrel. Which union is stronger, where they often sort things out or, on the contrary, try not to quarrel?
A quarrel is different from a quarrel, so it is important to be able to separate the two types of conflict. In one case, the quarrel is not intended to resolve a specific issue. It is started to maintain tension, it is a kind of deception launched by the couple in order to avoid solving some real problem. Chukovsky aptly describes this phenomenon with the phrase: “The wolves ate each other out of fear.” Instead of clarifying where the fear came from, what the real problem facing the family is, and what is now required of everyone, the spouses begin to waste energy on destroying each other. It's a different matter when the conflict starts on the merits. Here, silence is precisely inappropriate, and the spouse who dares to make a difficult clarification brings great benefits to the marriage. You can distinguish the first type of quarrel from the second by the aftertaste: in the first case there will be annoyance, shame and fatigue, and in the second - relief and a feeling of reaching a new level of relationship.
Many people live in “civil marriages”. Why do people not want to take responsibility in terms of family responsibilities to each other?
Marriage registration is a culturally established way to make an important external and internal manifestation. For outsiders, this is a clear declaration: “we are now a couple.” For potential partners, this means that spouses are no longer looking for opportunities to start new romantic relationships, and for fathers and mothers, marriage means the end of the period when they were the closest people to their child and the beginning of a new period when it is necessary to make way for a new partner for their son or daughter . For each other, marriage is also a declaration: “I chose you.” Thus, registering a marriage is not just a formality, but an important procedure for a couple to draw clear boundaries between the couple and society, the couple and their parent families. Those for whom, for various reasons, it is important to maintain uncertainty, try to avoid such a declaration procedure. As a rule, these are people for whom real intimacy, due to psychological trauma, is somehow dangerous and risky, and they prefer to maintain a safer distance between themselves and their partner.
How have the roles of men and women changed in the modern family? A man is a breadwinner , a woman is a keeper of the hearth... Has anything changed in people's expectations of each other?
The conditions in which modern families are born are fundamentally different from the conditions of past centuries. Of course, this leads to major changes in the distribution of roles. Now women receive the same education as men, and have the opportunity and desire to realize themselves in a variety of areas from creativity to business. Conflicts based on role expectations arise more often in those marriages where people are sensitive to the issue of power, and associate power with humiliation and ignoring the interests of the other. In relationships in which spouses are more or less safe, responsibility and power are not clearly assigned to one partner, but flow smoothly from spouse to spouse depending on the requirements of the situation: in some cases the wife’s skills and intuition are more suitable, in others it turns out to be more practical entrust the decision to your spouse. This is similar to the actions of a team at competitions on a catamaran or tandem bicycle, when athletes change places at different sections of the route and each contributes to the overall result in their own way.
There is a well-known expression that everyday life kills love, and therefore family happiness. How to avoid this?
It is necessary to be attentive to your own physical and psychological resources, not to pretend to be all-powerful “supermen” and not to compare yourself with other families. If spouses feel that they are too tired to notice each other, they need to actively involve all possible relatives and hired labor for help: grandmothers, sisters, housekeepers, nannies, etc. This may involve awkwardness in asking and with a shrunken family budget, but believe me, preserving the spouses’ relationship is worth it.
Does a woman still have the main role in preserving the family?
It is good if in a marriage both spouses are sensitive to emerging problems in the relationship. But sometimes, indeed, it is easier for women to start a conversation about existing difficulties. In the sphere of relationships, most men tend to pretend that everything is fine until the last moment. Here it is important to choose the right format for starting a conversation, to emphasize the importance of the relationship and the reluctance to hurt your partner, for example: “I love you and I value our relationship very much. I want to say some things not in order to criticize you, but so that we can understand together how we can make our lives more convenient and interesting.” Once the problem is voiced, both spouses have an equal responsibility to not ignore each other and explore possible further steps to improve the situation.
Give some basic tips on how to maintain a happy family.
— The main frame of a family is the relationship between husband and wife. The stability of the entire “ship” depends on how strong and clarified these relationships are. Therefore, spouses should not build stronger coalitions with other family members, for example, wife-mother-in-law or husband-daughter. Of course, it is good for all family members to be friends with each other, but one should not allow a woman to “relieve” tension in a couple in conversations with her mother, instead of clearing up a misunderstanding with her husband, or a father inviting his daughter to share some secret from his wife .
— As we said above, each couple has its own resource of mental and physical strength. If you don’t take into account your limitations, enroll your children in a bunch of clubs where you need to take them personally, start renovations, take on a third dog and work at home for the weekend, you will no longer have the strength to maintain relationships. An important skill in a couple is to figure it out and understand what we can give up today.
— In addition to the limitations of the couple as an organism, each spouse has personal limitations that are important to keep in mind. In any relationship there must be a place for legitimate disappointment, otherwise the spouses will expect something unrealistic from their partner for decades, become angry and offended. If your spouse does not fall in love with snowboarding, it is better not to be offended, but to find friends with whom you can go skiing, and with your spouse to find a type of leisure activity that is pleasant and interesting to both of you.
— In family life, it is important to have the skill of sensitivity to yourself and the skill of hearing your partner. To maintain a relationship, you need to decide to have frank, clarifying conversations, even if starting them is scary or embarrassing. At the same time, it is important to avoid an blaming or shaming position, and invite your partner to look at the existing difficulties as a joint task. Equally harmful is the situation when one of the spouses selflessly serves the other, ignoring all their needs, and the situation when a person is fixated only on his own interests and does not consider marriage as service.
Article on the website of the weekly magazine “Arguments and Facts”.
What needs to be done to save the family
Here are some examples of what needs to be done to save the family:
- In complete solitude and silence, make a two-column list of your spouse’s strengths and weaknesses. Try to focus on each point. After a while, you will notice that the shortcomings are not so serious.
- Ask your husband to do the same. Then look at each other’s sheets, try to understand what is the reason for the discord.
- Talk about what annoys you and what you don’t like about your partner.
- Talk about your desires, don’t be silent and don’t be shy. Respect your partner's wishes.
- Touch each other - hugs bring you closer.
- Do not humiliate your significant other; on the contrary, give them faith in their own strength.
- Never rush into making a decision.
- Restrain negative emotions, look for compromises.
Only prudence, tact, and mutual respect for each other will save shaky relationships.
Family preservation icon
To preserve family relationships, an icon is necessary as a shrine that carries a spiritual connection with ancestors. Such icons are passed down from generation to generation. The image on the shrine is charged with positive energy, helps in strengthening faith, protecting relatives from misfortunes, conflicts, and maintaining warm feelings for each other.
Family icons depict the Mother of God, Matrona of Moscow, Guardian Angel, patrons of families, Jesus Christ.
Family icons are used to bless marriage, and they are used to pray for the health of children and other family members. The images are asked to maintain peace in the home between partners, parents and children. The icon, which will be passed on by inheritance, can be purchased from the church or ordered from a special workshop.
