What should I do if my mother died? What to do if your mother died? How to survive the death of a loved one

Each of us understands that death is a natural process. But coming to terms with this when faced with the loss of loved ones is difficult. Stress manifests itself not only emotionally, physical well-being often deteriorates - hair begins to fall out, appetite changes, and insomnia appears. This leads to even greater loss of strength, and coping with grief becomes even more difficult. It turns out to be a vicious circle, from which it is not so easy to get out.

Coping with the loss of a loved one is extremely difficult.

How to calm down after the death of someone you loved? There is no universal advice, nor is there a single way to experience the pain of loss. The suddenness and cause of death, emotional closeness with the deceased, the character of the person and his personal experience of loss are of great importance. The younger a person is, the more difficult it is for loved ones to come to terms with his departure. The death of older people is easier to bear because it is perceived as an inevitable, albeit sad, end of the life cycle. The hardest thing to survive is sudden death—violent, for example, as a result of an accident or a sudden illness.

What to do when your mother dies?

It’s clear that you don’t want anything during such a period. Although right now you need to do everything to make her feel how much you love her. If your mother dies, then while she is alive, shower her with tenderness. Try to spend more time together during this period. When your mother dies, you should think only about her, and not about yourself. She needs support during this difficult period. What to do when mom dies? It is necessary to fill her last months, weeks and days with joyful moments so that she understands how much you care about her. It is possible that this will help her spend more time in this world.

When a mother dies, it is useful to pray for her and light candles for her health. So it is possible that you will be able to extend her days with you. You can also invite a priest to advise your mother.

What to do if your mother died? Death always takes you by surprise. The fact that a mother has died is difficult for a child to accept, regardless of whether he is ten years old or 50. It may even take a couple of years to realize what happened. After death, you will often remember your deceased mother. Moreover, memories will emerge at the most inopportune moment. During such a period, you will really need support. It is possible that you will miss her from people. But the point here is not indifference, but the fact that they are simply afraid of hurting your soul with their words.

Sometimes you can get the opposite effect by waiting for help. At the same time, in reality, people wanted the best for you. If your soul is heavy, then ask a close friend to just listen so that your soul will feel at least a little easier.

If your mother died, how to live on? We need to prepare ourselves for a future life without her. You should not be alone for a long time with your experiences and thoughts. There is no need to rush to quickly return to the life that was before the tragedy. First of all, you won't succeed. Since life has already changed after the death of the mother, and this fact cannot be ignored. Secondly, you need enough time to mourn. People need different amounts of time. After all, each person had his own relationship with his mother, and death can be different.

Therefore, in any case, give time to adapt. Then gradually return to activities and activities that bring you joy. Believe me, a mother would never want her death to end her child's normal life.

Prayer for the repose of the mother's soul

The death of a mother is a tragedy for everyone. Even knowing that her soul is destined for eternal bliss in the palace of Heaven, a person has difficulty coming to terms with the fact that his mother is no longer with him. A prayer for the deceased mother will help you accept the inevitable, calm your soul, and make it easier for it to go through trials after the repose. Put all of yourself into reading prayer books - and it will be much easier to cope with the loss.

One of the ways to express concern for the soul of your deceased mother, to help her in her repose, is to read the Psalter . It is customary to read one kathisma per day, during the first forty days after death. These prayers will ensure the peace of your mother’s soul and reduce sadness, sorrow, and grief. They give her quick peace, a complete sense of freedom, and the opportunity to find eternal happiness in Paradise.

When to offer prayers for a deceased mother?

The prayer for the deceased mother is read both during the first forty days and on all memorial dates, anniversaries of birth, death, at moments when it is especially difficult for you without her. When saying prayers for the repose of her soul, turn to God sincerely, with all your heart. Only such a prayer will reach him, thereby giving the deceased real purification, and then peace and the opportunity to go to Paradise.

Prayer “For the deceased mother”

“Lord Jesus Christ our God! You are the keeper of the orphans, the refuge of the grieving and the comforter of the weeping. I come running to you, an orphan, groaning and crying, and I pray to you: hear my prayer and do not turn your face away from the sighs of my heart and from the tears of my eyes. I pray to You, merciful Lord, satisfy my grief over separation from my parent (my mother), (name) (or: with my parents who gave birth and raised me, their names) - , and his soul (or: her, or: them), as having gone (or: gone) to You with true faith in You and with firm hope in Your love for mankind and mercy, accept into Your Kingdom of Heaven. I bow before Your holy will, which was taken away (or: taken away, or: taken away) from me, and I ask You not to take away from him (or: from her, or: from them) Your mercy and mercy. We know, Lord, that You are the Judge of this world, you punish the sins and wickedness of the fathers in children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, even to the third and fourth generation: but you also have mercy on the fathers for the prayers and virtues of their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. With contrition and tenderness of heart, I pray to Thee, merciful Judge, do not punish with eternal punishment the unforgettable deceased (unforgettable deceased) for me Thy servant (Thy servant), my parent (my mother) (name), but forgive him (her) all his sins ( her) voluntary and involuntary, in word and deed, knowledge and ignorance, created by him (her) in his (her) life here on earth, and according to Your mercy and love for mankind, prayers for the sake of the Most Pure Mother of God and all the saints, have mercy on him (her) and eternal save me from torment. You, merciful Father of fathers and children! Grant me, all the days of my life, until my last breath, not to cease to remember my deceased parent (my deceased mother) in my prayers, and to beg You, the righteous Judge, to order him in a place of light, in a place of coolness and in a place of peace, with all the saints, from nowhere all sickness, sorrow and sighing have fled. Merciful Lord! Accept this day for Thy servant (Your) (name) my warm prayer and give him (her) Your reward for the labors and cares of my upbringing in faith and Christian piety, as He taught (taught) me first of all to lead You, my Lord, in reverently pray to You, trust in You alone in troubles, sorrows and illnesses and keep Your commandments; for his (her) concern for my spiritual success, for the warmth of his (her) prayer for me before You and for all the gifts he (she) asked me from You, reward him (her) with Your mercy, Your heavenly blessings and joys in Your eternal Kingdom. For You are the God of mercies and generosity and love for mankind, You are the peace and joy of Your faithful servants, and we send glory to You with the Father and the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen." Read more…

While reading the prayer for repose, try to renounce your grief and despondency. Remember that your mother’s pure soul will definitely go to Heaven, which means you are destined to meet sooner or later. Black grief after the repose of the deceased is also a violation of the commandments and places a heavy burden not only on the person praying, but also on the deceased.

Offer prayers for repose with bright sorrow, true daughterly or filial love. Then they can shorten your mother's path through purgatory. Only after going through purification will the soul receive real peace - a happy existence without the hardships of earthly life. This concern should fall on your shoulders, since only the child’s requests have such a strong meaning.

Prayer for a deceased mother does not require particularly complex sacraments and rituals.

Of course, a prayer for repose can also be ordered in church. However, such a prayer is unlikely to give the departed real peace. When reading a prayer for repose, you do not need photographs or any other paraphernalia. On the contrary, the use of photographs or ritual objects by Orthodox canons will be considered sinful and unworthy of a Christian. A lit church candle near the icon is enough, as well as the image of the departed one saved in your memory.

Read the prayer for repose from the heart. There are canonical texts of funeral prayers, but God will also accept the words coming from your heart, no matter how awkward they may be. Sincere requests will provide peace for the soul, while a prayer service read as a matter of course will not reach the Lord’s ear.

What should prayer words be?

The repose of the soul is a complex religious sacrament that is performed with the help of church prayers and rituals. Without them, repose is very difficult, since a soul deprived of the support of its dearest people, its own children, finds it more difficult to cleanse itself of the mistakes it has made. In this case, there can be no talk of complete peace - for too long the soul has to atone for its own mistakes.

Try to put into your prayer words all your feelings for your mother, your wish for her to have an easy afterlife, gratitude for the warmth and care that she bestowed on her child. And then your prayer will bring her peace, and you will find relief in your melancholy and fill the void left by the departure of your loved one.

Pay attention to your physical condition

If my mother died, what should I do? You need to pay attention to your physical condition. Since grief is exhausting, plus the hassle associated with funerals and inheritance, negatively affects health. Watch your sleep, regardless of the circumstances, go to bed on time. Also, you should not be critical of your appearance during this period. It is better at such a time to take care of a balanced diet and cleanliness of the body.

If you are still crying for your mother, then carry a bottle of water with you. This way you will replenish lost fluid. In addition, thanks to the reflex mechanism, you will calm down a little. If we talk about alcohol, then you shouldn’t drink it. Since the effect will be short-term, the consequences can be serious.

Track your emotional state

If your mother died, how to live on? The following recommendations from specialists, which we will give below, will help you. Learn to monitor your emotional state to determine when feelings of sadness increase. Of course, this skill will not eliminate worries, but it will help make these moments less painful. For example, if you started crying in a hypermarket when you remembered that you went there with your mother, then next time go to the shopping floor with someone close so that he can support you.

Note that against the backdrop of emotional outbursts, a person may feel that his career is unpromising and his marriage is terrible. Be sure to write down all hasty conclusions in a notebook, and then check them over time for consistency, without neglecting the support of loved ones.

Go through the whole path of grief

“It is very important to be with loved ones and with those with whom you can talk,” emphasizes psychologist, member of the European Federation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Ksenia Kasparova. – The most important thing is for a person to share his feelings, for him to speak, to remember everything, down to the smallest detail. This is fine. This is the work of grief that must necessarily pass.”

The death of a child is always unnatural. Like any loss, it is very difficult to survive. A bereaved person must understand that everything he feels—pain, despair, and anger—is normal. It is important to remember that the grieving process consists of several stages and takes quite a long time. Such a serious wound cannot heal in one day.

According to Ksenia Kasparova, parents who have lost a child are initially in a state of physical shock. At this stage, they may experience such phenomena as a sensation of a lump in the throat, sharp chest pain, insomnia, and loss of appetite. According to experts, such physical phenomena are quite natural and, in a sense, help the psyche cope with loss. In fact, at first, a person experiences grief with his body.

During stress, adrenaline is released, which can lead to spasm of peripheral blood vessels. It may seem to a person that he is cold and shivering, and to this is added a feeling of internal trembling. In this case, a cup of hot tea and a warm blanket can help, but this will only bring temporary relief.

Extreme stress can lead the bereaved person to regress. He becomes weak and helpless. Therefore, in this case, you can resort to “childish” methods of consolation. Some may find it helpful to sit in silence. It is important for someone to be hugged and cry together. Patting the back or head, as well as the quiet, soothing words of a loved one, often help.

The next stage is denial. For example, upon learning about a loss, a person screams in horror - “No, no!” This is also a kind of way for the psyche to cope with grief, not allowing information about what happened. Sometimes it happens that a person understands with his head that trouble has happened. But the heart just can’t accept it.

The next stage is anger. It can be directed at the outside world - at doctors, at the driver who caused the accident... Sometimes such anger also applies to the deceased person - “abandoned”, “left”, “left”. And sometimes this anger is directed at himself: a person experiences a feeling of guilt, constantly scrolls through various kinds of options in his head, he is tormented by thoughts of what he could have done, how he could have prevented the tragedy. And these painful, terrible thoughts give no rest.

The next stage of grief can be called “bargaining” or “deal”. This means that a person promises a higher power or friends that he will do something specific if a miracle happens and the child comes to life. This unconscious attempt to regain something hopelessly lost also helps the psyche cope with stress.

The last stage is depression and acceptance, when the awareness of loss comes. It is generally accepted that a person experiences all these stages within a year. “If grief was not pathological or complicated, then its acute period usually lasts from five to nine months, and the entire grieving process takes at least a year,” says Ksenia Kasparova.

There is a path - the work of grief - and it must be passed. Unfortunately, it is impossible to go around or overtake him. And even if you turn off this path, you still have to go back and live it in order to “grieve.”

Then everything is individual. Sometimes a person decides to do something in memory of a deceased child. For example, write poetry, publish a photo album, edit a film. It happens that at this stage, parents who have experienced loss organize charitable foundations for the benefit of orphaned children or homeless animals.

Do what you love

If sad thoughts appear in your head, you miss your mom, then you need to switch to something. A good option would be to do what you love. On the contrary, you can try something new. If you like to draw, then start creating for your own pleasure. Another good option is to start writing poetry (if, of course, you have the desire for this). The topics for creating them can be different. You can write poems about your dead mother, about how you let her go, that you love her.

If you were previously an active person, then you should not forget about such activities. Sign up for some training, for example, dancing. Swimming is a great activity to relax, improve physical health and free yourself from sad thoughts. If you do this with a close friend, the effect will be double.

How does a woman feel after a loss?

Each of the failed mothers experiences grief in their own way. The first reaction is shock. It may be accompanied by hysteria or, conversely, withdrawal and refusal to communicate.

After the loss of a child, a woman experiences a whole “cocktail” of feelings. She may blame herself, her husband, doctors, or other people for what happened to her. It may seem that she will never experience the joy of motherhood. The woman feels burning pity for the little man to whom she was never able to give life.

Almost all women fall into depression after a miscarriage.

The severe psychological condition is aggravated by hormonal imbalance. The woman experiences frequent mood swings: violent sobs are replaced by hysterical laughter. You want to be left alone, and immediately there is a need to tell someone about your experiences.

A woman may perceive reality poorly, not respond to others, refuse food and drink, and have trouble sleeping. There may also be some lethargy. Many, later recalling a difficult period, cannot say what they felt, what was happening, who was next to them.

It’s good if at this moment someone close and dear will be with you who can support, hug, find words of consolation, or simply be nearby silently.

Share your grief

It is important not to keep your pain to yourself, but to share it with loved ones. If you voice the feelings you are experiencing, it will be easier for you to process them. However, try to choose people from your environment who can really sympathize, understand, and support.

Some people simply cannot understand what a woman is going through. Their advice hurts rather than brings relief. You can often hear the following phrases:

"It's OK. You will give birth again”;
“Maybe he was sick, that’s why he didn’t survive”;
“You already have children, why do you need more”;
“Everything is for the better, you still don’t have your own home, a good job, a car, etc.”;

It is better to stay away from such advisers. However, you definitely need to speak up. You can talk to your mother or close friend, tell your sister or husband about your feelings and experiences. And some find it easier to open up to a random interlocutor. If you are a believer, you can talk to a priest. You can also contact someone who has experienced similar things in the past. This person will definitely understand and support you.

If there is no person in your environment whom you could and wanted to trust, at least speak your experiences out loud. This will help release negative energy.

Feel free to cry. You have experienced real grief and have nothing to be ashamed of. You can cry for your unborn baby, for your unfulfilled hopes, for everything that you expected with such tenderness and impatience. Forget that tears are a sign of weakness. In your case they are healing. Along with them will come tension and nagging pain that you cannot get rid of.

Guilt

After a miscarriage, you may feel guilty. You will frantically search for the answer: “For what? Why did this happen to me?” You may remember how inattentive you were to yourself and your health, maybe you will remember that you reacted to the news of your pregnancy with fear or even annoyance.

Get rid of these thoughts. It's not your fault what happened. Unfortunately, life is designed in such a way that anything can happen to any of us. No one is immune from misfortune or tragedy. There is no need to look for the guilty and torment yourself. The event happened. You won't change anything. Move on with your life.

Time is the best healer

When a person experiences bereavement, it is difficult for him to believe that the pain will subside over time. But it is so. Soon the questions will be: “Why do I need this?” and “Why did this happen to me?” will give way to others. You will begin to think about how you can cope with depression and return to your real life. You will notice that not only you, but also your loved ones suffer from your condition: other children, husband, parents.

But you shouldn't rely only on time. You will have to work on your own to get out of a depressed state. Trying to simply forget what happened to you is doomed to failure. You need to experience the situation, accept it and let go.

There are various psychological techniques to cope with grief. One of them is offered by psychologist Bob Date, who specializes in working with people who have experienced loss. The specialist advises to write the following phrases on separate pieces of paper:

“I’m doing everything right”;
“My pain will end”;
“I will be able to overcome the loss, as other people have been able to do”;
"I feel myself good";
“I get joy from life”;

Place the leaves so that they constantly catch your eye: attach them to the mirror or to the refrigerator door, hang them over your desk, put them in your wallet. Every time phrases catch your eye, repeat them mentally or out loud. These settings will start working.

Take care of your health

Taking care of yourself and your own health will help you take your mind off thoughts of an irreparable loss. An interrupted pregnancy is a serious blow to the body, damaging your health.

A miscarriage leads to hormonal imbalance, strikes the endocrine system, and often causes significant blood loss.

You need to visit medical specialists, get tested, and strictly follow all doctors’ recommendations. Try to walk more, move, eat right, and get enough sleep. Try to completely eliminate cigarettes and alcohol.

Think about what your health was like before your miscarriage occurred. Be sure to visit the necessary specialists, get tested and follow all doctor’s orders.
Watch your diet. Food may not be of any interest to you right now, but you need strength. Variety and quality of food is what is needed. Set regular times for meals and snacks. Drink plenty of fluids to avoid dehydration. Monitor your weight (if you notice significant changes, consult your doctor).
Do not abuse coffee and alcohol under any circumstances! Better take a multivitamin.
Stick to your normal daily routine. In the evening, go to bed at your usual time, even if you don't feel sleepy at all. Avoid large and regular doses of sleeping pills.

If you notice any changes in your condition, be sure to consult a doctor. It can be:

weight change;
weakness;
temperature increase;
disturbances in the functioning of the gastrointestinal tract;
copious discharge and other unusual manifestations indicating a malfunction of the body.

Remember that full recovery after a miscarriage will be the key to your next successful pregnancy.

It is also important to try to find out what caused the miscarriage. As a rule, the loss of a child occurs as a result of hormonal imbalances, disruption of the endocrine system, as well as various diseases. Finding out the exact cause will make it possible to take measures to prevent a recurrence of the tragedy.

If you yourself are not yet able to ask the doctor the right questions, ask one of your loved ones to come to the appointment. Try to find answers to all the questions that worry you. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor about anything that's causing you concern. Before your appointment, be sure to write down on a piece of paper (or on your smartphone) all the questions you are interested in so as not to forget anything. It is also better to write down the doctor’s answers immediately. As you know, “a dull pencil is better than a sharp memory.” If during a conversation with the doctor something is not clear to you, do not hesitate to ask again or clarify, since we are talking about the most important things. It is your right to know what happened to you in order to prevent the misfortune from happening again.

Watch yourself

Monitoring your condition also contributes to a speedy psychological recovery. Keep a diary in which you write down:

what happened to you during the day;
who did you meet;
what they thought and felt;
what changes have you felt in yourself?

Don't forget to celebrate everything that brought you pleasure or joy. Even if it’s some little things: a beautiful sunset, a funny play of kittens on the lawn in front of the house, a delicious cup of coffee in a cafe.

Also write down your plans and goals in your diary. In this section you need:

plan things and tasks for the day, week, month;
mark what you managed to do and write down what or who prevented you from achieving your goals;
whose help will be required to successfully solve the assigned tasks;
what condition prevented you from realizing your plans;
what you need to do to find the resources to live on.

Be sure to write down your progress and achievements. Set only realistic goals; unattainable goals will only frustrate you.

Learning to relax

Relaxation and self-regulation skills will help you in any life situation. And during the period when you are experiencing a miscarriage, the methods will allow you to recover faster and find peace of mind.

You can practice yoga, Chinese qigong gymnastics, and do meditation. To get started, start doing the following set of exercises:

Lie on your back, try to find the most comfortable position; if necessary, place a pillow or bolster under your lower back.
Exhale and close your eyes.
Inhale slowly, counting to four, filling the stomach first, then the chest.
Exhale also slowly, counting to four, the air should seem to flow from the stomach, then from the chest and out through the nose.

You can sit in the lotus position, relax, try to get rid of all thoughts, sit and just watch your breathing, taking even inhalations and exhalations. If you have extraneous thoughts, imagine that you are opening a tunnel that sucks in everything extraneous.

When is the help of a psychologist needed?

Unfortunately, it is not always possible to cope with depression after a miscarriage on your own. The help of professional psychologists or psychotherapists will be required in the following cases:

the appearance of thoughts of suicide;
prolonged apathy;
abuse of alcohol or sedatives;
signs of mental disorders (hallucinations, obsessive thoughts and ideas, etc.);
prolonged depression;
sleep disturbances, recurring nightmares;
chronic fatigue.

Typically, physiological recovery after a miscarriage takes three to six months. During this time, hormonal levels normalize and the endocrine system returns to normal. The same period of time is necessary in order to normalize your mental state.

If this does not happen, you are still tormented by a feeling of guilt, you do not want to communicate with others, you do not have the strength to do your usual things, you need to seek professional medical or psychological help.

A psychologist or psychotherapist will help you understand yourself and get rid of negative attitudes and thoughts. The specialist will realistically assess your condition and, if necessary, recommend consultation with an endocrinologist or other medical specialists.

Pamper yourself

Taking care of yourself will allow you to recover faster. Give yourself little joys every day. Buy the products you love, go to the spa, go to the park. It's good if you have the opportunity to go on vacation. A change of environment affects the psychological state in the most favorable way.

Think about your appearance: change your wardrobe, visit a hairdresser, make an appointment with a good cosmetologist.

All this will allow you to distract yourself, get positive emotions, feel the joy of life and successfully cope with your loss.

Don't forget, but survive

The purpose of this article is not to make you forget what you suffered, but to help you get over the tragic event. You have lost a child. This is your experience that will always be with you. But this should not stop you from moving on with your life. You have become different, stronger and wiser. You will have a different attitude towards life, you will be able to better understand others and yourself.

Many women who have experienced a miscarriage blame either themselves (they ate poorly, worked a lot, received irregular treatment) or other people (inattentive doctors, an always busy husband, a selfish mother-in-law, boss, etc.). Maybe not right away, but you need to abandon this view of the situation. This is not easy, and may even seem completely impossible. But this step must be taken, and it is the result of a lot of meaningful work on oneself.

Video: Recovery after a miscarriage

And the last moment

When a woman experiences a miscarriage, the last thing she can think about is being pregnant again. But you should know that you will definitely become a mother. You will again experience the excitement when you find out that a new life has arisen in you, the trembling tenderness from feeling the first, almost imperceptible, movements of the baby, and this time everything will end well. You will become a mother, and you will enjoy the smiles of your baby, play with him, watch him grow.

Quiet activities are important too!

It is important to do something calm after the death of your mother. For example, you can keep a diary. In it you will write down your thoughts as you worry, as a result of which it will be easier for you to accept the fact that your mother has died.

You can also do meditation and yoga. These activities help free your mind and body from bad thoughts. It is also useful to be in the sun during this period. Sunlight and fresh air will never be unnecessary.

Reading is a great activity to take your mind off things. You can re-read books that you like. They will help you to be comforted. You can start reading educational literature, thanks to it you can learn something or learn something new.

Music also has a positive effect on the human condition. Listen to calm songs, but it’s better to avoid loud ones for a while.

And, probably, the best way to distract yourself is to help your neighbors. For example, you can buy groceries for your grandmother neighbor or clean the apartment. It is possible that an animal needs help on the street. Don't pass by, save him! Any option to help your neighbor will help your soul survive grief.

Analysis of the mourner's behavior

Psychologists note that in the first two weeks after the tragedy, virtually any reaction of orphaned children to grief is considered normal, be it a state of disbelief and apparent peace or aggression unusual for the target. Any feature of behavior these days is a consequence of the process of restructuring attachments in that part of a person’s life that the mother has so far occupied.

A sudden feeling of emptiness in nature does not always mean death; it also serves as a signal to us about a sudden loss. This explains the unstable behavior of people who, after the death of their mother, either fall into a “waiting mode” or begin to blame others for injustice. The image of a loved one appears to them in the crowd, his voice is heard from the telephone receiver; sometimes it seems to them that the sad news was wrong, and everything remains the same, they just need to wait or get the truth from outsiders.

If the mother's relationship with her children was contradictory and ambivalent, or showed strong dependence on both sides, the experience of grief may be pathological and expressed in an exaggerated reaction or delayed emotions. It is also bad if, in addition to the process of natural loss, anguish of a social nature is added: what will relatives think, how will they perceive the mourning of an employee in the work team?

Experts insist that no difficulties in understanding the situation by others should affect a person’s psychological need to go through all stages of grief at a measured pace. If the mourner has an urgent need after the death of his mother to complete some things that were important to her and spend time solving her lifetime problems, then this must be done. If he wants to live a little more according to the rules she once established, he cannot be prevented from doing so.

Over time, understanding the importance of leading your own full life and competently placing emphasis in favor of pressing problems will transfer the attitude towards the image of the deceased mother to a deeper, spiritual level. As a rule, this occurs a year after a family tragedy and is the natural end of the mourning period.

How to cope with loss

No one will be able to feel the full pain of what happened except the mother of the unborn baby. In an instant, everything around her became meaningless. At times it even seems to her that she died there, in the hospital, along with her child. Often women who have experienced this cannot cope with depression and commit suicide.

Since women are more emotional than men, it is more difficult for them to experience such things. Throughout pregnancy there is a bond between a mother and her baby, so it is very difficult to accept what has happened. After all, if the miscarriage was late, then the woman already felt the baby’s movements, heard his heartbeat and dreamed of his birth. And when she returns home, she cannot come to her senses for a long time.

Often, most of the things for the baby are bought in advance, therefore, upon entering the apartment, the woman should not see them, as this will only aggravate the situation. It would be a good idea for her family or friends to remove all baby items from the house. There is also no need to mention the miscarriage once again. You can talk about this only when the woman herself wants it. After all, over time, she will need to “speak out” her emotions.

Often, after an unsuccessful pregnancy, a woman wants to go somewhere for a while.

A temporary change of place of residence will have a beneficial effect on your psychological state.

But under no circumstances should you be alone, because with depression a lot of negative thoughts appear that only aggravate the situation.

Stages of Grief

Each stage of a conventionally designated period of grief (usually limited to an annual cycle) is characterized by the experience of certain emotions, varying in intensity and duration of experience. During the entire indicated time, the severity of mental unrest may regularly return to a person, and it is also not at all necessary that the stages will be observed in exactly the given order.

Sometimes it may seem that a person, having achieved mental balance, has completely passed one or another phase, but this assumption is always wrong. It’s just that all people show their grief differently, and the demonstration of some “symptoms” of the classic picture of grief is simply not typical for them. In other cases, a person, on the contrary, can get stuck for a long time at stages that best suit his state of mind, or even return after a long time to an already passed stage and start the whole journey from the middle.

It is very important, especially for those whose mother died “in their arms,” that is, who experienced all the horror of the tragedy with direct participation, not to try to overcome their grief and not to “stay strong.” For at least another week after the funeral, a person should be away from the everyday bustle, immersed in his pain so much that after a while it begins to repress and outlive itself. It’s good if there is someone nearby who can tirelessly support and listen to the grieving person.

"Negation"

The countdown of the stages of experiencing grief begins from the moment a person learns about the misfortune that has befallen him, and the first wave of reaction occurs on his part. Otherwise, the stage of denial is called shock, which best characterizes the onset of the following symptoms:

mistrust;
irritation towards the one who brought the news;
numbness;
an attempt to refute the obvious fact of death;
inappropriate behavior towards the deceased mother (attempts to call her, waiting for her for dinner, etc.)

As a rule, the first stage lasts until the funeral, when the person can no longer deny what happened. Relatives are advised to protect the mourners from preparing for the funeral ceremony and allow them to speak out and throw out all their emotions, which primarily express bewilderment and resentment. It is useless to console a person who is at the stage of denial - information of this kind will not be perceived by him.

"Anger"

Following the realization of the tragedy comes the state: “Mom died, I feel bad, and someone is to blame for this.” The person begins to experience anger, bordering on strong directed aggression against relatives, doctors, or even just those who are indifferent to what happened. This state may also be accompanied by feelings such as:

envy of those who are alive and well;
attempts to identify the culprit (for example, if the mother died in the hospital);
withdrawal from society, self-isolation;
demonstrating one’s pain to others with a reproachful context (“it was my mother who died—it hurts me, not you”).

Condolences and other manifestations of sympathy during this period can be perceived by a person with aggression, so it is better to express your participation by actual assistance in settling all the necessary formalities and simply a willingness to be there.

"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"

The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .

The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:

frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine conduct (among esotericists - about fate and karma);
visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places;
a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head;
often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).

During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.

From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.

Depression after the death of a child

I was with him all night, passed out for a few minutes in the morning. Jumped out. Myself. Why did this happen? Could I have changed anything? I found his diary - there was so much pain there... but he didn’t share anything with us. There is no future for me; with the death of my beloved son, that too is gone.

When children die before their parents, it's like a clock running backwards. Some kind of mistake of nature. It should not be. Moreover, if the child makes such a choice himself.

The parents are overwhelmed with guilt that they didn’t notice something in their son’s behavior and didn’t stop it in time. They are trying to understand why this happened to their smart, quiet and deep child.

System-vector psychology explains mathematically precisely why suicidal depression occurs, which does not take into account age and in our time decimates the ranks of the most gifted teenagers. The reason for their exits through the window is the severe lack of sound vector.

The sound vector needs silence; they often prefer solitude. They need silence to concentrate. What should they think about? About the meaning of the universe. Such children, already at the age of six, puzzle their parents with questions: “Why do we live? What happens after death? Without receiving clear answers or at least an understanding of the importance of these issues from those around them, they stop sharing them.

Screaming, noise, scandals, humiliating meanings - all this is a disaster for the development of potential brilliant sound intelligence. It was loud and senseless for him outside, and at first he locked himself in his room and in his head, and not finding answers in his shell, he went for freedom from painful searches to a place from which they do not return.

For sound children, salvation was found by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. But, unfortunately, not all parents have yet heard this if their children are still going nowhere.

Depression after the death of a child is a deep wound that will not heal without a trace. But by understanding everything that was going on in his head, what was moving him, what he was silent about at dinner, what he thought about all night long, you will be able to feel that unity with your son that you may have never experienced before.

Unbearable pain, melancholy, despair - these are the feelings that a parent experiences when they lose a child.

Feeling guilty because I didn’t save, couldn’t help in time, didn’t prevent the tragedy.

Anger at the one who is to blame, at the one who survived. To fate. On God, who allowed all this.

It’s also difficult to look at other children. Because they are alive, they make their parents happy. But my children are nowhere in this world. In addition to photographs, videos and memories.

Memories are all that remain. Memories without hope for the future.

After the death of a child, life seems to fall apart. And it is not clear how to collect these pieces. And how to start living again. And the most important thing that is not clear is why to live.

If such a tragedy has occurred in your life or in the lives of someone you know, please read this article to the end. We will try to help you cope with the death of your child. System-vector psychology helps to cope with severe conditions and find the lost meaning of life.

The basic law of psychology: in order to reduce the pain of one’s own suffering, one must help another. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals the meaning of the concept in a new way: for the world there are no children of our own or others. For the world, “all children are ours.”

Perhaps these words will sound a little harsh: but if your own children are gone, does this mean that no one else needs your help? Does this mean that there are no other children or adults who need your help?

After all, we love our children and take care of them not because we expect gratitude from them. We are doing this for their future, for future generations. The flow of love directed into the future cannot be stopped. The care that your children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise love will turn into frozen stone and kill you.

And somewhere another child will die without love.

Only transferring your love for a departed child to others can help you survive the death of a child and turn black melancholy into light sadness, when the memory of him does not paralyze or numb, but gives energy and strength.

The death of a baby is such a big tragedy that some parents simply refuse to believe what happened. They try to fill the void in their lives in every way possible, including turning to a new pregnancy. Is it good or bad?

It is difficult even for psychologists to answer this question unambiguously. They note that the hasty birth of a new baby is only an attempt to forget about the problem. Parents don't want to have a child. Moreover, they are catastrophically afraid of a repetition of the previous tragedy. As a result, mom and dad have a contradictory attitude towards the baby, making him a copy of the deceased brother or sister.

However, this does not mean that motherhood or fatherhood should be abandoned forever. You can experience such joy in the following cases:

if several months or years have passed since the tragedy, and the parents have mentally coped with what happened;
if they sincerely want to have another child, understanding the difficulties they will face;
if parents perceive the appearance of a child as a way to atone for old mistakes, and not as an option to replace a dead baby;
if people are mentally ready to start a completely new life.

A child is not a pet, with the help of whose love and affection you can temporarily forget about the tragedy. This is a separate person who should not be dominated by tragedies from the past. That is why the decision about next parenthood should be balanced and mutual.

Often the mother and father of a deceased child turn to adoption. For them, this becomes a way not only to hear children's laughter again, but also to do a good deed. In this case, psychologists advise taking a baby from the orphanage who is as unlike the deceased heir as possible. Then it will be easier for the spouses not to associate the new family member with the previous child.

Marina, Prokopyevsk

The final stage is “Acceptance”

The final stage of grief can be divided into two successive phases: “acceptance” and “rebirth”. Depression goes away gradually, as if dissipating in shreds, and the person begins to think about the need for his further development. He is already trying to be in public more often and agrees to make new acquaintances.

The grief experienced, if it systematically followed through all stages and did not “get stuck” for a long time on the most negative episodes, makes a person’s perception sharper, and his attitude towards his past life more critical. Often, after suffering a bereavement and coping with his pain, a person grows significantly spiritually and is able to radically change his life if it no longer suits him in any way.

Right to grief

How to cope with the death of a loved one? The advice of psychologists on this matter agrees on one important point - grief cannot be hushed up in oneself. It was not in vain that our ancestors created and conveyed to modern man through the centuries a complex and obligatory formula for saying goodbye to the deceased, which includes a large number of ritual episodes related to burial, funeral services, and wakes. All this helped the relatives of the deceased to feel their loss more deeply, to let it pass through them with the whole spectrum of negative emotions. And upon completion of the key ceremony - the anniversary of death - to be reborn for the next stage of life.

Here is what experts answer when asked what to do if your mother dies:

welcome any positive memories of the deceased, especially in the first 2-3 months after the funeral;
cry and cry again - every time the opportunity arises, alone and in the presence of those closest to you - tears clear your thoughts and calm your nervous system;
do not be afraid to talk about the deceased with a person who is ready to listen;
admit your weakness and don't try to appear strong.

What should you do if your mother died in the same house where her children live? Some people do not dare to disturb the sacred environment for them in the house or room of their deceased mother, creating a kind of home museum dedicated to the deceased. Under no circumstances should you do this! After the 40 days set by the church, it is necessary, if not immediately, to begin to get rid of all the things (ideally, furniture) of the deceased, distributing everything to those in need. When there is nothing unnecessary left, in the room where the woman lived, you need to do at least a small rearrangement and general cleaning.

What is the treatment for depression from loss?

A person may have difficulty overcoming depression due to the following circumstances:

thanatophobia occurs;
pain from interruption of emotional connection;
lack of feeling of security;
strong confidence in one's guilt;
resentment towards the person who left and left the grieving person;
misunderstanding why this happened and the loved one is now gone.

Then you can’t cope without the help of a doctor. Psychotherapy sessions have proven themselves the most. However, in very advanced or profound conditions, medications may be prescribed, namely:

antidepressants;
neuroleptics;
tranquilizers.

The doctor may also prescribe:

a course of vitamin therapy;
physiotherapy;
nootropic drugs.

The doctor also advises to follow the correct daily routine and not break it.

During the consultation, the psychotherapist determines at what stage of processing grief the patient is. Based on its condition, the best option for the further path is selected. In some cases, such as severe cases of depressive disorder, a psychiatrist will prescribe antidepressants. They improve physical condition and remove the feeling of constraining despair and hopelessness.

How to get out of depression after the death of your husband by talking to a psychotherapist? A mandatory element of therapy is interpersonal, cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as individual psychotherapeutic sessions and work in a support group.

In psychology, the grief process has several stages, which a person goes through in different sequences. These are denial (isolation), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance of the situation (humility). You don't have to go through all the stages to get out of grief. However, if a person falls into a depressive phase, he may not have enough strength to get out of it on his own.

This requires individual sessions and conversations with a specialist. It will help you find internal resources to survive this stage. At this moment, it is important for the patient to have the opportunity to speak out and express emotions. At the discretion of the specialist, elements of art therapy and sand therapy may be used.

Joining a support group for people who have experienced the death of a loved one can also be very therapeutic. The patient ceases to feel alone in his grief. He has the opportunity to share his feelings with people who understand him.

In order to understand how to cope with depression after the death of a husband, mother, child, you need to accept the fact of death and live through all the emotions, and not hide from them. Thousands of people overcome this difficult period in life. By contacting a specialist, you will receive effective help and will be able to move on, keeping in your memory only bright memories of your loved one.

Sometimes there is a need for the help of doctors - do not hesitate to contact them; in such cases, treatment is carried out in a hospital, under the supervision of medical staff.

Among the drugs used in various methods, one can name antidepressants, tranquilizers, and sometimes antipsychotics. Physiotherapy, vitamin therapy, nootropics, proper daily routine, help from a psychologist - all this helps to get out of depression completely and without relapse, because we are talking about a reactive etiology.

All of us go through loss. At such moments, it is important not to let yourself plunge into the abyss of despair and find the strength to survive. It turns out that time really heals and reveals new colors of the world. After all, spring always comes after winter, whether we like it or not. When remembering your mother, let there be only light sadness and gratitude that she was with you. The departed are always invisibly present as long as people remember them.

You cannot live in the past, if you want to take only good things from the past, think more about others and very little about yourself, and then there will be no getting stuck in grief. Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting about it, but learning to live fully after the loss.

Unfortunately, sometimes it happens that grief does not go away, and a person sinks deeper and deeper into himself. Mental pain and longing for the deceased continue to torment. This condition is called “complicated grief,” and a person in this case needs qualified help from a specialist.

It is not always easy to determine this condition, however, the following symptoms will help identify deep depression in order to consult a specialist in time.

Sadness and longing for a loved one that does not go away for several months.
A person is haunted by images of the deceased, hallucinations and visited by obsessive thoughts.
Refusal to accept reality.
Abuse of alcohol or psychotropic drugs.
A person consciously avoids those things that remind him of the deceased.
Feeling of emptiness and loss of meaning in life.
Deep, persistent feeling of guilt.
Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.
Lethargy and inability to perform daily activities.
The belief that the deceased is alive.

Feelings of guilt - justified or not?

It is difficult to find a person who, after the death of his mother, would never reproach himself for devoting less time to her than he should have, being less tactful or being stingy in showing emotions. Feelings of guilt are a normal response of the subconscious to a sudden feeling of emptiness after the loss of a loved one. However, sometimes it can take on pathological proportions.

Sometimes a person practically torments himself with thoughts that at the moment of receiving the news of his mother’s death he felt relief. This is a common occurrence if a woman’s last days were overshadowed by a debilitating illness or caring for her was difficult for her family. What to do? If the mother died under such circumstances, the way out of the trap of constant self-recrimination will be a “heart-to-heart conversation” with the image of a loved one stored in memory. There is no need to prepare special justifying speeches - just ask your mother in your own words for forgiveness for all your mistakes and mistakes, and then thank the mental image of the deceased for every minute spent together.

Tips from moms from forums

The authors' spelling and punctuation have been preserved.
koshkash: doctors say that if a pregnancy is rejected, it means that it “didn’t work out” from the very beginning. And the conceived child is not viable. Sometimes parents themselves are not happy that, contrary to nature, through titanic efforts they preserved and retained what was doomed... sad.gif It’s not easy to survive, yes. But you are not the first, and many, many later had children, and not even one. Take care of yourself (first of all, take care of your health, and not just vitamins, maybe, if finances allow, go somewhere to relax and unwind, don’t sit in your sadness and depression). God willing, everything will work out.
markovaolga: my words may seem harsh, but this is exactly how it is, because I went through it myself. As the girls correctly write, this is natural selection and you need to treat it that way. When, immediately after I lost a long-awaited and desired child and they told me so, I started crying, later I thought a lot about it and still came to the conclusion that everything that happens to us is exactly as it should be.
The most important thing now is not to dwell on it. Think about the fact that a miscarriage at 10 weeks is a lesser tragedy than death before childbirth or at the time of childbirth, and you were answered by girls who experienced a true tragedy, God forbid anyone like this, and yet became Mothers (this is the most important thing in life) I really wish you not to cycle, but to go towards your goal, rest as much as possible (cinema, theaters, etc.), take vitamins, talk to your doctor about planning and already receive all the recommendations about vitamins and the best time to start.
Slavkina: I’ve been remembering the second of September for three years now for the same reason. Then all hopes were dashed. The period was shorter, but they still did the cleaning for me. It’s hard to remember, tears well up. My husband helped me, I realized it only later. He said every day that everything would be fine and everything would work out. Then it seemed to me that he was mocking me and that good things would never happen again. Through friends, I then found a good specialist who understood my problems, prescribed treatment, calmed down mentally, and after “turning off” my head, I became pregnant without even noticing how. This happened six months later. The main thing for you now is to get your nerves in order, take a break, occupy your head with other thoughts (I know that this seems impossible). Conceiving during stress is also nothing good.
tata tata: I also cried a lot, I kept thinking why this could happen to me, because everything was quiet and peaceful, everyone was happy. I went for an ultrasound and saw my baby and lost it a couple of days later. It was also 10 weeks.
Doctors advised me to refrain from planning for six months or a year. So that the body can recover. But I wanted it right away and for some reason it didn’t work out, and I worked myself up even more. Then I talked to a priest I knew and he didn’t seem to say anything magical; everything was the same as everyone else around me. But I calmed down. Somehow thinking less, the new job helped. And this is happiness. We're almost a year old.
Kindness: Finally ready to write my story! In December of that year, my husband and I found out that we were expecting a second child; we were very happy. There have never been any health problems. At 12 weeks on Friday I noticed reddish discharge - we went to the hospital, but didn’t go to bed. Already from Sunday to Monday, at night my stomach began to hurt very much, blood began to flow, a lot of blood, and we went to the hospital. The condition was terrible. I was pouring a lot. And as soon as the doctor came in and said climb onto the chair, everything fell out of me, along with the tiny fetus! It was terrible! I was immediately taken for cleaning and was no longer pregnant. It was terrible! She cried, she sobbed, she cried. I was terribly depressed. But the despair lasted a couple of days, since tears cannot help my grief, plus my husband supported me very much. Of course, the doctor said to wait at least six months, then you can try again. But I trusted my feelings and sensations, because I knew that it wasn’t a matter of Health. And as soon as the first period after the miscarriage ended, I became pregnant again. My period started exactly a month later. That is, on January 23, I had a miscarriage, on February 26, my period started, and in March I already became pregnant. Now I’m lying with my newborn second daughter))) everything is fine. I am writing to support all the girls who are in the same situation now. Because at that time I myself was climbing and looking for answers, who, when, and how long. There's no time to cry. There is a desire, there is a goal. If you are healthy, then do it right away! If you have pain, treat it and do it. The main thing is not to think about the bad! Health and children to you!!!
Lena: Don’t blame yourself under any circumstances! It would be necessary to get checked without delay and pass additional tests. tests - find the strength to do this and continue planning your pregnancy - only it will save you from depression and worries. Don’t sit at home and don’t isolate yourself, you need to act - depression is not a help, you need to get rid of it by all means! Go to the doctor and try to find the cause. If this is the first B, then sometimes this happens and no one can explain (I have several such examples from friends). I wish you that this never happens to you again!!! Start planning for your baby, this is what you wanted and you can’t stop because of failure.
Marina: Girls, everyone has their own cross! You need to let go and move on with your life! We want to have children, so we need to live with this desire and God willing! And the path of depression and self-flagellation is the path to nowhere! I myself constantly suffer and pull myself right out of the state of grief “by the hair.”

How to bury your mother

What to do if your mother died? Traditionally, the deceased is buried no later than the third day after death, but during this period the children of the deceased are still in shock, and they may not be able to take care of all the formalities on their own. The main concerns for organizing the ceremony, as well as a significant share of material costs, should be taken on by relatives and friends of the family. The very essence of the ritual of farewell to the mother’s body is no different from the standard procedure.

What children of the deceased should know about how to bury their mother:

children of the deceased cannot participate in carrying the coffin or its lid;
everyone who came to the funeral should be invited to a memorial dinner, everyone should be honored with attention, and thanked;
the remaining food from the tables is not thrown away, but distributed to people leaving the funeral so that they continue the meal at home;
You cannot have lavish feasts, and it is also not recommended to have a ritual dinner in a restaurant.

Another important point that Orthodox priests very much insist on: wherever the tragic event occurs, the body of the deceased on the eve of the funeral must spend the night within the walls of her home.