How to survive your wife's betrayal and save your family. How to survive your wife's betrayal: advice from a psychologist

With today’s issue I continue a short series of articles about situations with a husband’s betrayal in the family. The topic, fortunately, is not relevant to everyone, but everyone has tried on such a situation.

You can check whether you correctly assume what mistakes women make after their husbands cheat on them, if a mutual decision is made to save the family and forgive the betrayal and move on.

What first comes to mind as an error most likely isn't one. What looks very logical will be incorrect reasoning. It’s not for nothing that this situation is turning the whole world upside down.

For example, one of the mistakes is to believe the words of the cheating partner, said both before and after discovering the fact of infidelity.

What to believe after your husband’s betrayal? Is it worth forgiving and how to forgive betrayal and move on after betrayal? Read the article with advice from a psychologist.

The main mistake is to act as if nothing happened
The second mistake is cheap forgiveness
The third mistake is passive aggression.
Mistake #4: Believing the words of your cheating husband
The fifth mistake is believing flashbacks

The main mistake
is to act as if nothing happened

What is NOT an error

These are not errors, but consequences that we cannot control:

The desire to remember your husband’s betrayal at the slightest quarrel (this is the same natural consequence of an injury as a cast on a broken leg)
Flashbacks - remembering yourself , experiencing pain from an influx of memories (a characteristic mental reaction in conditions of post-traumatic stress disorder)
Looking for flaws in oneself is terribly destructive, but it’s almost impossible to fight, and everyone goes through it (just as a wound itches as it heals, so we want to blame ourselves. It’s wrong to scratch until it bleeds, but the very desire to itch is inevitable).

You cannot help but remember and remember your husband’s betrayal. It's how it's done that matters.

Is it worth saving the family?

The practice of a psychologist as an experienced person with twenty-five years of experience shows that in 80% of cases of female infidelity, spouses decided to maintain the relationship if there were children in the marriage. In most cases, such unions still collapsed within a period of up to five years. The following factors contributed to this:

A woman can continue her affairs on the side, knowing that her husband will forgive, tolerate, and accept back.
She turns out to be pregnant from someone else or had an abortion.
She refuses to have children, which increases doubts about the sincerity of her love confessions.
The common child will support the father, show empathy, push him to the final decision and follow him.
The influence of relatives, criticism by friends of the spouse’s “softness” towards the betrayed spouse.
Deterioration of the husband's financial situation or, conversely, increase in the wife's income.
Addiction to alcohol, drugs, constant reproaches for past mistakes, frequent family scandals.
The desire to respond in a mirror way is male infidelity.

When making such an important decision, one should take into account not only the interests of the children, but also the possibility, the mutual desire of the spouses to maintain the union, and the willingness to work on the relationship. A conflictual family environment can cause more harm to a child’s psyche than positive communication between divorced spouses. Sometimes relationships are smoothed out by the birth of another child together.

The psychologist's advice on forgiving a wife's infidelity is as follows: preserving the family does not mean humility. Trying to establish a connection with a lady who has no respect and does not appreciate is impossible. A quick reaction in the form of an application for divorce is the way for the lady to understand the depth and real threat to the marriage from her actions. He will begin to respect your integrity, determination, and value more. Scandals, reproaches and demonstrative grief cannot achieve such an effect. It is respect for the husband that becomes the basis for reconciliation and preservation of the family. An application for divorce, according to Andrei Zberovsky, automatically puts a legal and psychological barrier in front of the couple. Pushes towards an awareness of the need to evaluate the seriousness of the claims expressed and the partners’ readiness to eliminate the identified contradictions. The fact of filing an application does not deprive the couple of the opportunity to work on improving their relationship.

Relationships after cheating

We don't remember the past.
We talk through and discuss openly all the issues of concern. Everyone has their own “picture of the world,” life experience, and a certain type of thinking. We perceive the information received differently, putting our own meanings into the actions and words of our partner. Often behind this lies the main reason for misunderstandings, conflicts, and quarrels.
Everyone has the right to express an assessment of their partner’s actions, even negative ones. The other half is obliged to take into account the opinion of the spouse and draw conclusions. It is best to use the following formulation: “I may not like your decision, action, but my love for you does not depend on it.”
No more swearing. If there is a desire to speak harshly, to offend a partner, we remain silent.
We add more humor to family life, affectionate nicknames and the rule of sincere compliments and praise even for little things. It’s not easy to swear and call your partner by an affectionate nickname, right? The quarrel instantly takes on a comical tone.

Come up with your own rituals for seeing off and meeting from work, family traditions that unite and inspire both.

What should I do if I can’t forget the betrayal? Sometimes it is difficult for a man to restore trust in his betrayed lover, to accept her again and forgive her. In this case, you should visit a psychotherapist to understand the true causes of discomfort and fear. After all, in fact, the basis of suffering lies within ourselves.

It has been noticed that the intensity of suffering due to betrayal depends on the degree of responsibility for our own destiny we have managed to entrust to an unreliable companion. It is much easier to betray a psychologically helpless person than a confident, independent partner.

Some important nuances of communication after betrayal should be taken into account.

Don't show your spouse's importance to you. Temporarily put her on a “diet” of hot sex and cold attitudes. This is necessary to redefine you as a partner.
Learn to be categorical. Get up and leave on time when it comes to important things. Don't forget to talk about the unacceptable attitude towards you that you will not tolerate.
Some advisers recommend provoking a lady to jealousy. This is a purely individual, far from universal recipe. But you shouldn’t go too far, responding to your beloved’s infidelity with adventures. Value yourself.
If you have decided to separate permanently, remain firm. Throwing and doubts only complicate life.

Every person is the hero of his own life

But even if you have been married for ten or twenty years, this does not mean that you have become one with your chosen one and that tomorrow you will not learn something “terrible” about your half, for example, that over the past five years you have been systematically cheated on. And this is normal - no, not to change, but to have personal space and your own world. Ask yourself: do you tell your wife everything about yourself, do you share all your thoughts with her, does she know all the events of your life? Even if at first glance it seems like this, then you shouldn’t rush to draw conclusions, just watch yourself and discover that you don’t open half of your life to other people, no matter how close you are. The same thing happens in relation to you: everything that you know about your loved one is only what you are allowed to know about him.

We all live in the same physical world, but inside the consciousness of each of us it forms its own projection of reality.

In your reality there is you, as its center, and the rest of the world, including close relatives and a loved one. Your spouse’s world is structured in the same way: She is at its center, not you. When you accept this as an immutable fact, many things will fall into place, many of your spouse’s words and actions will become logical and easily explainable.

You will stop doing two very destructive things: feeling guilty and blaming.

And then, even if your loved one cheats on you, you will see in this not betrayal and the cause of future suffering, but the true attitude of this person towards you. And even in such a situation, you will feel grateful: after all, you learned the truth now, and not at the end of your life.

If you decide to break up...

How to forget your wife and give yourself another chance to build a happy future? Is there life after betrayal? Eat. Moreover, you have everything you need to make it interesting and full of vivid impressions. Engage in self-development, find something that inspires, fills you with energy, enthusiasm, and passion for life. Let every day be an exciting journey. Make new friends with an active lifestyle.

It is known that the environment greatly influences a person. A close circle of people is a powerful influencing factor and a good source of information, motivation and support. Psychology calls this the “mirror rule.” We choose as friends people who are close in their worldview, life position, goals, hobbies, and habits. This is a comfortable environment, but if this circle does not change, a person stops in personal growth.

Research proves that an individual’s income level is always close to the average financial well-being of people around him. This is explained simply. Let's give an example. An inspired, determined person wants to change his life. Begins to think positively, outlines the right paths of development, and looks for interesting ideas. But his chances of success are diminishing because every evening, despite his determination and efforts, he is forced to return to people who do not believe in his potential.

These could be friends, parents, colleagues, those who like to label “all women are the same, you can’t find a normal one, look at yourself.” Generous in criticism, negative assessments, ridicule, exaggerated doubts about success, they awaken old fears of facing failure. “Toxic people” have a detrimental effect on self-esteem, self-confidence, and your own opinion, so limit and clear your space of negative, destructive people.

Don't try to block your feelings. You have the right to be offended, angry and even contempt, this is a normal reaction. If emotional trauma is not treated, unlived pain will periodically remind itself of itself through pathological jealousy in future relationships, lack of sexual desire, and causeless resentment. Pain is always a signal of the need for help.

Let's start a new life

There is an effective way to survive your wife’s betrayal and maintain composure and cope with emotions. Write a letter. This technique is effective for breakups, losses, resentments, and feelings of guilt. It helps to let go of emotions that cause discomfort, realize feelings, cope with fears and takes only fifteen minutes. Focus on feelings, form an image of the offender. Write to him whatever you want to say. Without censorship, self-control, restrictions. Ultimatums, accusations, reproaches, even obscene language are allowed. The main thing is to express feelings.

The more you open up, the higher the effectiveness of this psychological technique will be. Concentrate on the addressee, don’t get lost in thought, this is not a philosophical treatise, but a tough but honest conversation. You need to “exhale” all the negativity, pain, anger, resentment into a sheet of paper. When you realize that there is nothing more to say, reread your text. As many times as necessary, until the emotions subside, lose their strength and severity.

Now destroy the message. Burn it, tear it into hundreds of small pieces, get rid of unnecessary feelings, free yourself. As an option for those who “don’t trust paper,” psychologist Sergei Smirnov recommends doing the technique in the reciting version. Ensure peace, non-interference from strangers and distractions.

Concentrate on the object of the offense. You can use a photograph or an item belonging to the unfaithful spouse. Express whatever is necessary and throw away the “culprit” item, and with it the disturbing feelings, disappointment and resentment.

Stop analyzing your spouse's actions. Often our actions are completely devoid of common sense and rationality. Considering a woman’s tendency to succumb to emotions, impulsiveness, and the desire to plunge headlong into her own illusions, the basis for adultery may well be hidden in the woman’s internal disharmony.

Your task is to live on in full awareness of your own worth, dignity and right to happiness. Read books, watch films about people who, having experienced the betrayal of a loved one, deep emotional trauma, managed to recover and achieve success.

Where something is destroyed, there is always space to create something new. This is an unchanging law of life. Infidelity forever destroys a person’s previous world, but makes it possible to create a qualitatively new one. — psychologist Kristina Kudryavtseva

You have the right to be happy! Start a new chapter of your novel with a clean slate.

Inna Ignatieva
Psychologist
Infidelity can be physical, emotional or spiritual. Betrayal has always had the character of an all-consuming and uncontrollable feeling that clouds consciousness and does not allow one to act adequately in the current situation.

And, if a man’s betrayal in the family is more of a physiological nature (many have heard about male polygamy), then female betrayal has a completely different face.

Women are more emotional, which means the reason they cheat on their men is the emotional vacuum in the relationship. And this is the most important reason today.

And, no matter how much we would like to believe that sexual dissatisfaction can lead a woman to the decisive step of infidelity, this is more the prerogative of men, therefore, even if this is the reason in the female case, it is much less common and still conceals deeper processes.

Such as monotony in relationships, lack of mutual understanding, psychological support, warmth from the spouse, as well as a woman’s lack of self-confidence, as an intrapersonal conflict.

Very often a woman takes revenge on her offender in this way and, out of jealousy, cheats on him in return.

And, I would like to say about one more reason that exists - a woman’s unrealized fantasies.

After all, it often happens that a woman is happy in marriage, and everything suits her with this man in everyday life, what kind of father he is to the children, what kind of friend and helper he is to her, but in her intimate fantasies she always dreamed of a certain style of behavior of a man, but he doesn’t he simply cannot know, and acts in his usual way until they sincerely talk about it, which not all women decide to do.

It is important to note that a woman during a new love relationship simply experiences an explosion of emotions: the level of adrenaline rises, there is a surge in the production of a whole bunch of “hormones of happiness, pleasure and love” - endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. This has a beneficial effect on the overall well-being of a woman.

A new love affair brings a completely different breath of fresh air, as a result of which the woman becomes prettier and literally radiates a stream of positive energy, which is impossible not to notice and which cannot be said in case of male infidelity.

As a rule, such a hormonal surge is quite limited and lasts no more than 7 months (sometimes 9). But it cannot be said that at this time the woman is absolutely happy and nothing else bothers her.

As a rule, she is tormented by doubts, tormented by feelings of guilt, resentment towards her husband, trying to justify her behavior, and this brings her a lot of emotional distress.

At the same time, the woman mentally blames her husband: for the coldness in the relationship, for her existence in his life, which he perceives as a given, for the reluctance to work on the relationship and correct mistakes, for the lack of vision of the problem as such.

She becomes abrupt and irritable, for no apparent reason, because she cannot tell him. And this leads to even greater problems in the family.

It is, of course, impossible for a spouse not to notice this or to pretend that everything is fine. And here one of two possible solutions to the current situation is brewing: to break off the established relationship (and the person has already become a relative, and it is extremely difficult to do this), or to decide to live with it, but how is an equally important question.

In any case, I would first advise you to calm down, so as not to add too much to the emotional storm that has overwhelmed you. Now you need to think about what could be the reason for your partner’s infidelity? Most likely, it is in you.

What could you do that would make you betrayed? Try to reconsider the situation, we all make mistakes. It is much easier to forgive a person if he made a mistake than to do it intentionally.

Perhaps she has hinted to you more than once about your lack of attention, but you did not put this at the forefront of your family's mind. Women tend to give hints, while men like to speak directly and openly.

She was simply mistaken. Forgive her as one forgives the weak. But it is also impossible to just accept and forgive, because a man is overwhelmed by a lot of emotions, including aggression and resentment, a feeling of the most sophisticated betrayal, which characterizes, among other things, the collapse of his illusion, male exclusivity.

After all, how could she do this to him, so perfect and special?! And since she did this, she must definitely be punished. And here the thirst for revenge comes first for an angry man.

Again, I would advise not to give in to momentary emotions, firstly, revenge will not help, secondly, a man may regret it later, and thirdly, there is a better way to cope with the situation.

Imagine what it must be like for the offender now? Think about WHY she could take such a step? What could have made her do this to you? After all, most likely, there were good reasons for this?

And you caused her no less pain than you are now experiencing yourself? And understand how bad it must be for your offender now if she decided to do such an ugly act?

So the reason is you! And this means that you need to cool down, realize and talk openly, and that the most important thing is to ask for forgiveness for what you have done, and I’m just sure that a return request for forgiveness will follow, after which only you two can decide how to live with it or part with it on the best terms, good traditions, without causing each other even more pain.

Be that as it may, both are to blame for all family problems. And initially, first of all, it was your mistake that led to her mistake.

Always remember this, be attentive, listen to each other and never break up!

In society, men's infidelity is treated more loyally than women's. “Just think, I went to the left. They are all like that,” the friends console the cheating wife. At the same time, for a man, his wife’s infidelity can be a serious blow. How to forgive and is it possible to save a marriage after this?

Breaking up with a cheater

Breaking up is most often a very painful process for a man, as his pride suffers, he feels humiliated and insulted. At such moments, feelings of anger, depression, and despair gather in one lump and roll over again and again.

The main thing is to understand that you are not the only one who has been betrayed, and you can fight this, and you can even gain something useful from it. She left, which means she didn’t love, or maybe she once loved, but the love passed. A person, in general, can control his feelings, step over desires and live with an unloved person for the sake of children, for the sake of money, or if the strange customs of some nations require it. But dooming himself to such a life, a person becomes unhappy, and he cannot make an unloved person happy, even if he tries very hard.

From this, draw a conclusion: is it worth being upset about your wife leaving for someone else? You have a chance to become happy, but with another person, thank fate for saving you from the wrong choice you once made. Throw aside sad thoughts, fate sends only the test that you are able to cope with.

Make new acquaintances, work hard, find new hobbies, learn to forgive offenders, they are not worth you getting upset over them. Spend time with your family and friends, sometimes be alone with yourself to simply immerse yourself in an atmosphere of peace to plan the future according to a new scenario.

In conclusion, be sure to watch the video about whether there is life after betrayal - the opinion of an experienced psychotherapist. Good luck to you!

Courses and trainings for real men that will help build happy relationships and discover sexual prowess. Of course, you already know how to do everything, but there is always something to learn. Do you want to become special? Then check out the men's training program right here and now

Betrayal is always a hard blow. The fact itself may cause different emotional reactions, but the decision on further actions is always individual. The main thing is to accept it rationally and carefully.

Cope with emotions

In most cases, the first impulse upon discovering the fact of betrayal is the desire to throw a huge scandal with tears, screams and threats. But it must be remembered that such actions are destructive and will not lead to anything good.

Of course, there is no need to hold back the pain inside yourself. Throwing out negativity means freeing yourself from oppressive feelings. In this case it would be more reasonable:

cry alone;
find a “vest” who will listen and support (one of your relatives or friends);
seek help from a specialist;
curb negative emotions through physical activity (fitness, gym, jogging);
engage in creativity (drawing, embroidery, singing).

This may sound strange, but the current difficult life situation must be seen from the positive side and used as an opportunity to improve and develop, including in relationships with your other half.

Identify the pros and cons

Cheating is a fairly common phenomenon, which has its pros and cons. The first include:

the opportunity to analyze family relationships;
bring novelty to your sex life;
see yourself from the outside, work on your shortcomings.

But treason has many more disadvantages:

feeling of betrayal and humiliation;
loss of a sense of reliability and constancy;
inability to trust your other half in the future;
the appearance of complexes and low self-esteem;
the appearance of depressive states.

The degree of severity of certain consequences of betrayal depends on the impressionability and emotionality of a person, so not everyone can rationally talk about the advantages of betrayal, although it is this side that can not only save the family, but make the union much stronger.

Wedge with wedge

Couples do not always decide to divorce due to infidelity. But a feeling of betrayal creeps into the soul and heart, even if forgiveness has been verbally expressed. In such cases, some people feel better if they cheat, as if in revenge.

The betrayal of a wife greatly affects a man’s pride, but the stronger half rarely resorts to such a method, but it is easier for women to forget their husband’s betrayal when they have a relationship on the side. It must be said that such connections are short-term, often isolated.

Moreover, “retaliatory betrayal” does not always have to be physical. This could be a platonic feeling, such as falling in love or light flirting. This state will help you get rid of sad thoughts and allow you to feel attractive and raise your self-esteem.

Don't sit back

The situation of betrayal should under no circumstances be left to chance. If such a fact is discovered on the part of the other half, it is necessary to make a decision whether to forgive or not to forgive:

If the other half turns out to be greedy for the opposite sex and subsequent betrayals are quite possible, then you should not continue such a relationship. They need to be finished once and for all.
If the betrayal was just an accident, the only mistake, and forgiveness is begged for in a variety of ways, then it is worth thinking about the advisability of maintaining the relationship.

There is no need to rush to forgive a person who has stumbled. He must understand and feel his guilt. But there is no need to delay things too much, especially if the spouses are united by strong feelings and there is a mutual desire to continue the family union.

Demand

Each spouse who has convicted the other half of infidelity has the right to demand the termination of relations with his lover or mistress. Especially after twenty years of marriage, when in most cases, there is a certain structure in the family, the children have grown up and the spouses have the opportunity to establish closer and warmer relationships.

If the cheater feels guilty and wants to save the family, then he will stop any relationship on the side and will be able to earn forgiveness.

Agree

So, the decision to save the family can only be made if the spouses are capable of constructive dialogue! Emotions have subsided, and it is time to peacefully establish contact.

Remember that life goes on
. Divorce or save the family - each couple will decide in their own way. But in any case, new prospects will open up: either family relationships will be reviewed and built according to new rules, or the opportunity to find another partner will appear.
Get distracted by other people's problems
. Gossip and speculate about other people’s “skeletons in the closet”, see the problems of the people around you and understand that not everything is so bad. Of course, this approach is quite sarcastic, but it has its advantages when a difficult situation of betrayal arises.
Give yourself as much time as possible
: visit a beauty salon, go shopping, attend a cultural event or have a party.
Switch your attention
to something completely unknown, for example, master some new type of needlework or learn a foreign language.
Surround yourself with family and
friends who will listen, support and give you confidence in yourself and your abilities.
Develop or improve your sense of humor
, which will help “sweeten the pill” and make a difficult period of life easier.
Think less about the cheating party
. Let the cheating party become unworthy of thoughts and feelings for a while.
If you don’t have the strength and desire to forgive
, then you need to make a decision about divorce.
If in doubt
, then you need to tune in to a dialogue with your other half.
Allow more time for sleep
to restore strength and energy. Of course, worry and negative thoughts are unlikely to allow you to sleep soundly. In this case, it is good to use light sleeping pills, but for a short time.
Devote time to creativity every day
, throwing out all the negativity.
Immerse yourself in work for a while
, but don’t get overloaded.
Take care of yourself and your appearance
, thereby killing two birds with one stone: being distracted and gaining self-confidence!

There are many reasons that push people to cheat. But in any case, this problem is delicate and requires a special approach.

Making a decision on the issue of betrayal means radically restructuring the further course of events: starting life from scratch or trying to save the family.

Why did she change

It is believed that polygamy is inherent in the strong half of humanity, and nothing can be done about it. But in fact, statistics say the opposite! Representatives of the Durex company funded research that revealed that of all the women surveyed, as many as 40% cheated on their husbands. At the same time, only 30% of respondents from the male focus group boasted of having affairs “on the side”.

The girls who admitted to adultery gave the following reasons for their action:

Psychologists say that in the third, seventh and twentieth years of life, all married couples overcome a crisis associated with a reassessment of values and life achievements. At this stage of the relationship between spouses, quarrels, scandals, and disagreements await. It is during this period that women most often decide to cheat.

“Can statistics really justify the betrayal of a person you trusted? Whom did you let into your home, into your heart?” - the offended spouse may object. In this article we do not justify or blame anyone. But we will try to help those affected by this problem to survive their wife’s infidelity.

Is it possible to forgive your wife's betrayal?

Men have a harder time dealing with the infidelity of their life partner, because it will humiliate him in the eyes of other people. More often than not, women turn a blind eye to their husband’s adventures and this is considered normal. For a patient wife, there are a lot of excuses in society, such as: “All men are out walking,” “For the sake of the children, you can forgive,” “Anyway, I returned to her, which means I couldn’t find anything better.” A woman who has forgiven the betrayal will also be praised for showing wisdom and saving her family.

A man who has forgiven his wife for a spree will lose the respect of friends and colleagues. Stag, Cuckold, Rag - these are just a few examples of nicknames that he will be called behind his back. Jokes, ridicule, accusations of lack of will and other manifestations of misunderstanding on the part of others put pressure on a person who already finds himself in a difficult situation. Who wants to become a walking joke and lose their masculinity in the eyes of others?

Therefore, if you find out about your wife’s infidelity and you know from her words that it is true, protect yourself from other people for a while. Take a time out. You need to be alone with yourself, because you have a difficult decision ahead, on which your future life will depend. You need to get answers to the following questions:

Immediately after you found out about your wife's infidelity, most likely you experienced devastation and rejection of the very fact of what happened, which was replaced by aggression, hatred and disgust. This will likely be followed by depression and fear of the future, coupled with resentment and a feeling of being betrayed. All these stages must be experienced. You need to separate from your spouse for a while. And only “on a sober head”, free from emotions, make a decision on further actions.

Take a vacation from work, pack up your things and savings and go... To your mom? Well, I do not! In such a situation, a man needs to make an informed decision on his own. You need a solo tour to another country, a vacation in a sanatorium, in a beautiful place where you can abstract from everything and regain your balance. Renting an apartment and going on a bachelor's spree is not the best option. You need time spent without the opinions of other people and the sympathetic glances of acquaintances, alone with yourself. Make a decision only when you feel the ground under your feet again.

How to find out if your wife is cheating, is it possible to find out with certainty what to do if the wife does not confess?

In general, if such questions arise, then - clearly - the couple needs the help of a psychologist or a divorce. Because the most important component of a couple relationship is missing - trust . In addition, the very posing of such questions is very reminiscent of the questions of patients with delusions of jealousy, who are jealous of an empty place, for no reason, and need treatment.

So, in the most general form, the algorithm of actions when such questions arise (how to get a confession of cheating out of your wife) is as follows:

Why did you even think that your wife was cheating? Were there any reasons to think so?
How serious are these reasons?
If you are serious, then you should answer yourself the question, do I really want to know more? What exactly will I do if I find out that yes, she is cheating?
If you are satisfied with the answers to these questions, and you really want to know more, then there is nothing left to do but arrange surveillance, no matter on your own or with the help of specialists.
Surveillance will reliably show whether the wife is cheating or not.
If there is evidence, it is not difficult to get a wife’s confession.

If the wife is smart, then there will be no signs. But not all men are so “lucky”. For a cheating woman:

New interests, friends and activities appear.
She may reconsider her wardrobe.
She starts listening to new, unusual music, films, and starts an unusual hobby.
Tries to avoid intimate relationships with her husband or offers something radically new.

In general, these signs are banal and each by itself cannot in any way indicate betrayal. Even all of them together cannot indicate treason. Maybe the wife is going through a personal crisis, is not satisfied with her career, husband, life, and therefore decided to radically change everything.

Anger and pain are natural emotions after betrayal. It is psychologically correct and good for the psyche to deal with your opponent “like a man.” Surprisingly, many men are so intelligent that they are simply not capable of this, and begin to evade such recommendations in every possible way, declaring that “the bitch won’t want it, the dog won’t jump up.”

They have the right to deprive themselves of the pleasure of seeing their opponent defeated, but it should be understood that such a decision will have to be paid. Figuratively speaking: “not filling your face = a rag” and this feeling will latently haunt and torment, even, perhaps, unconsciously.

Normally, anger is distributed like this: 80% of anger is directed at the person outside the couple, and only 20% of anger is directed at the person inside the couple. It is natural and normal to protect what is ours, to be angry without destroying. If a man is ready, figuratively speaking, to “kill his wife,” but is practically indifferent to his rival, we can say that either such a man has personal problems (for example, psychological immaturity), or the relationship in the couple has long been complex and problematic.

This does not mean that there will be no anger at your wife at all. But this anger will not become destructive - we are talking about it. If it is destructive, but at the same time you want to preserve the relationship, be prepared for long-term psychological work on yourself.

It depends on your own goals. Is there a goal to preserve the relationship or is the goal only to maintain one’s own peace of mind.

Many people turn to a psychologist because they are at a crossroads and don’t know what decision to make: try to save the relationship (and in general, is this possible?) or break up?

Of course, it’s a rare man who can forgive cheating, but an analysis of the reasons, the initial agreements (an unspoken or public agreement in a couple about what is allowed and what is not allowed) and the wife’s values can help make a decision.

In general, the help of a psychologist does not imply that he will push the patient to one decision or another . Deciding whether to continue living with a cheater or not is entirely the job of the “drowning man himself.” But if there is a goal to conduct an analysis and clarify the situation, this is exactly what you should go to a psychologist for. Truly useful advice from a psychologist is aimed at understanding yourself better.

Let’s say right away that it is possible to maintain a relationship after betrayal, and there are a lot of such cases, and it is even possible to significantly improve the relationship - they become more comfortable, more satisfying for each party.

Many people ask psychologists about further behavior after betrayal, because they themselves are childish. They are used to having decisions made for them. For a mature person, the question is formulated differently. Not how to behave, but what SHOULD I do about it ? You can behave any way you like: scream, punch your opponent in the face, don’t talk to your wife, break up with your wife, talk to your wife, but how does this correspond to MY goals? Only based on these goals can a line of behavior be built. And those who give ready-made answers to the questions “what should I do” are charlatans. There can be no recipes here.

Explanation of the reasons for male and female infidelity and further actions from sex therapist Evgeniy Aleksandrovich Kulgavchuk. The video does not contain specific recommendations for reducing a man’s negative emotions after a woman’s infidelity, but it allows you to put everything in its place.

Still have questions? Find out how to solve exactly your problem - call right now:

What to do if she left for someone else?

As you understand, before this we considered a situation where the spouse sincerely repents of what she has done and is ready to do everything so that you forgive her mistake. But in life, unfortunately, it also happens that the woman with whom you planned to grow old, after the revelation of betrayal, simply leaves for her lover. What to do when, after a family scandal, which became the last, you are left alone?

The worst thing is that the memories of how good everything was and the plans we made together are still fresh. The environment around also reminds us of an established family life. There were no signs of trouble. How to survive such a blow of fate? The following tips will help ease your morale in this situation:

No matter how trivial it may sound, time is the best doctor, who heals for a long time, but at the same time effectively. Psychotherapy sessions can significantly speed up the process. And one more piece of advice that will help you let go of the situation and move on with your life: stop perceiving your wife’s infidelity as a betrayal. Each of us lives our life only once. She simply made her choice and had the right to it. You also have the right to forgive her for this act or not. In any case, know that everything is just beginning! When one door closes, another always opens. Don’t give up, another life awaits you around the next corner, full of joyful events and surprises!

Olga, Moscow

Nothing in the world happens for nothing, and every reason has consequences that are much more difficult to deal with. Let's start with the main reasons that lead to cheating on the part of a woman.

Who is to blame for treason

Psychologists say that in most cases, both partners are to blame for betrayal by one of the partners. At first glance, this is paradoxical. However, it is true. It is important to understand that cheating is only a symptom that indicates deeper problems in the relationship.

For example, often a girl seeks outside attention and care that she does not receive in the family. It is logical that responsibility for betrayal should be borne not only by the spouse, but also by the husband, who for a long time did not pay any attention to her.

That is why, first of all, it is necessary to get to the bottom of the reasons that pushed the girl to cheat, and only then decide whether to separate or try to restore the relationship.

Reasons for female infidelity

Women themselves identify several reasons

, why they were pulled “to the left”:

Sexual dissatisfaction.
It is more difficult to bring a woman to orgasm, and some representatives of the stronger sex do not even know how to do it. Over time, she will want to add some variety to other people's embraces.
Jealousy and constant control.
When a husband smothers his wife with attention, constantly calls and writes in order to find out “where are you and with whom?”, then in her eyes he loses respect.
Her husband doesn't pay attention to her.
All women love compliments, flowers, and doing things together. But if you exchange this for football and beer with friends, then there is no romance, feelings fade away. So you shouldn’t be surprised if your wife leaves for someone who appreciates her and makes her desirable.
The influence of her environment.
Women are receptive, and when they are told from all sides about the shortcomings of her man, neither parents nor friends approve of her chosen one of the heart, then a woman often listens to public opinion and follows its lead.
Treason in revenge.
If a man constantly lies to his beloved and cheats on her, then she either leaves him or tries to reason with him at the cost of her own betrayal. Such relationships are hopeless.

You can read more about the reasons that may push your loved one to cheat on.

There is only one 100% accurate way to determine the reason - calmly talk to the girl

. The key word here is calm. Another scandal will not help here. Remember, your main task is to let the woman speak. This will help you look at the relationship “through her eyes.”

How to survive infidelity

There is a saying that “a good leftist makes a marriage stronger,” but this is not always true. For many spouses, infidelity can be a real tragedy. According to statistical data, such an event is in third place in severity after the death of the child and parents.

Find out what awaits you today - Horoscope for today for all zodiac signs

Due to numerous requests from subscribers, we have prepared an accurate horoscope application for mobile phones. Forecasts will arrive for your zodiac sign every morning - it's impossible to miss! Download for free: Daily Horoscope 2020 (available on Android)

Women more often come to terms with male infidelity; such representatives of the fair sex consider their behavior wise. Men are more sensitive to female betrayal; the reason for this attitude is greater determination and activity. They most often strive to understand the situation in fact and punish the guilty party.

It is worth noting that when entering into a marriage, both spouses expect long-term mutual love; few people immediately think about cheating. In any case, it is not recommended to rush; it is important to stop and pause. A professional consultation with a psychologist will help you avoid negative consequences in this situation. Advice from a specialist will help you overcome a difficult stage and allow you to find strength for your future life.

Is it possible to forgive the betrayal of your girlfriend?

Now that you have figured out the reasons, you can make a decision: is it worth forgiving the betrayal, or is it better to separate. In most cases, relationships can not only be restored, but also made happier.

If you want to forgive a girl, then answer yourself a few questions:

Does the woman regret her actions?
Does she want to return?
Do you understand the reason for her action?
Can you eliminate this reason?
Are you ready to change your attitude towards a woman?
Are you ready to take responsibility for your future relationships?

If you answered “yes” to all the questions, then most likely everything will work out for you.

In order to quickly restore your relationship, follow these recommendations:

Spend more time with your spouse, take an interest in her life.
Do it more often, say nice words.
Arrange it more often.
Give her romantic gifts regularly.
Don't be afraid to experiment in bed.
Take care of yourself: exercise, eat right, dress stylishly
Frequently visit places with which you have common pleasant memories.

Then you won’t have to live in constant depression and fear of repeated betrayal. The experience, although unpleasant, will remain a life lesson.

Betrayal is a great tragedy, and often men have to think about how to survive their wife’s betrayal,

Don’t get depressed and completely give up on your relationship.

A cheating wife

Acquiring the status of an unfaithful wife in modern society is not a shame when the husband himself pushes his wife to take this step, and sometimes he does not realize his mistakes.

At some point, a man stops perceiving his wife as a woman. It seems to him that she will not go anywhere. However, in our time, the opportunity to meet a new admirer on your way is much higher than it was in ancient times.

The admiring glances of the opposite sex will instantly drive any woman deprived of her husband’s attention crazy. Compliments, beautiful courtship, all this acts on the weaker sex like magic. Always use your own magic in relation to your chosen one and henceforth you will have no rivals.

What else is important for a woman?

Of course, she wants her man to be admired by other representatives of the fair sex. Therefore, be extremely gallant and courteous with your wife in the presence of other ladies, and do not allow yourself to make harsh statements about her in the presence of friends. Watch your appearance. Clothes, shoes, hairstyle, everything should shine if you want to impress the fairer sex.

Women love men who are at least a step smarter than themselves. Don’t be lazy in educating yourself, follow what’s happening in the world, teach her what you’re good at, but don’t turn your nose up too much, don’t act like a know-it-all.

If your salary is lower than your spouse's, problems may arise in the relationship. Are you one of the men who are less successful than their wives in terms of earning money? Then you should take on additional work. This could be a part-time job on weekends, or you could take on some of the household responsibilities. will also significantly elevate you in the eyes of your lady love.

Causes and psychology of female infidelity

Why do women cheat?

It would seem that there is a family, perhaps children, a loved one nearby.

What pushes you to betrayal

? Psychologists and sociologists have identified several main reasons why ladies decide to cheat:

Whatever the reasons, before making a responsible decision, you need to seriously think through the consequences and your own actions

How to return your wife's love? Find out about this from ours.

10 reasons why women cheat. Psychology of female infidelity:

Is it possible to survive betrayal and forget?

Cheating on your spouse is stressful for your husband

It is immediately difficult to understand and evaluate the motives for an action. It seems that the whole world has turned upside down, a loved one has betrayed, and there is no justification for this.

Is it possible to survive this? Yes, it's not easy at first.

There is a feeling of anger, indignation, resentment. You don't want to understand, you can't forgive. This is the first stage of reaction to a situation of betrayal; all people go through it.

After time it becomes easier. Much depends on how the spouses resolved this situation, whether they talked, and whether they found out the motives for the action.

Often both partners are to blame for what happened - the woman who decided to cheat and the husband who did not see the signals that later led to the act.

It is possible to survive betrayal. First of all, this work on your own condition

. If depression occurs, you need to fight it. If anger and aggression are ready to spill out, you need to find a way to stop so as not to harm yourself and other people.

The main question in this matter is whether you are ready to forgive and forget

about what happened, are you ready to trust again. It is important to understand that the relationship will no longer be the same. The love that was before will not return.

No matter how hard you try to forget, the accomplished fact will forever remain in your memory. Yes, the brightness of the event will be erased, emotions will become weaker.

You may never talk about it again, and the betrayal will never happen again. However, a slight mistrust between you will remain

, and the wife has a feeling of guilt.

A strong couple is able to survive the fact of betrayal, learn from it and not make similar mistakes again. But it all depends on both spouses, their sincere desire to maintain and improve the relationship

How to survive your spouse's betrayal? Psychologist's opinion:

How to survive your wife's betrayal and make decisions about the future of your family

First, let's figure out when it is necessary to save a family, and in what cases this should not be done. For example, my wife cheated only once. Your wife admitted everything and now wants everything between you to be the same as before. Naturally, it won't be the same as before.

At least in the coming days. However, it is worth considering the possibility of saving your family, if only because your spouse no longer plans any trips to the “left”, and is ready to switch her attention to home and family. Of course, it is not easy for you to cope with your wife's betrayal, but remember that we all make mistakes and sometimes need forgiveness.

It’s another matter if the wife systematically cheats, and you know that she is going to leave the family in order to connect her life with her lover. In this case, there is no need to hold it.

If your wife's infidelity is systematic or she is serious about changing her husband, it is best for you to separate and not make any attempts to revive the relationship. Try to get over your wife's betrayal, concentrate on finding your soul mate and pay attention to new relationships.

But what if your situation falls into the first category? All in your hands. We hope the following tips will definitely help you develop the desired behavior pattern.

So, let's assume that you and your wife have come to the decision to keep the family together, despite her betrayal. What to do but not slide into reproaches and constant showdowns? How to get over your wife's betrayal and start trusting her again?

Talk to your spouse. If relationships in your family are built on trust and frankness, this will not be difficult to do. Discuss the current situation. Consider whether you should stay together. It would also be a good idea to figure out why they cheated on you in the first place - perhaps your wife is not happy with something in her relationship with you.

If you have children together, be sure to draw your wife’s attention to the fact that it is best for a child to grow up in a complete family. For this reason, it is worth trying to normalize relations.

Even if a woman is categorically against preserving the family, invite her to live separately for a while, and only then make a final decision. Usually 5-7 days is enough.

Try to survive your wife's betrayal as a self-sufficient and adult person. Forgive her and start your relationship again. You can reinforce your agreement to start over with some kind of ritual: exchange something, say vows, go to the place you met, have a romantic dinner or vacation, etc. This moment will divide your life into before and after, this will allow both of you to break away from the old situation and live in a new one.

Under no circumstances should you try on the role of a victim, an “offended” person who constantly reminds you of the insult you once inflicted. This will make it easier for your couple to maintain their relationship, taking it to a new level, and for you to survive your wife’s betrayal.

How to cope with your wife's departure and open your heart to a new relationship? For some reason, many people believe that men are insensitive creatures who, after a breakup, quickly forget their partners and quickly find replacements for them. In fact, everything is completely wrong - for any man, parting with his soulmate is a painful process. Do you want to cope with depression and believe in love again? Then stay with us!

The first thing you need to do if your wife leaves for someone else is to understand that not all women are the same. Yes, the breakup hurt your pride, especially if the breakup was initiated by your partner (and if she also cheated on you, then the resentment will probably be several times stronger). But, believe me, there are many women whom you want to love, who attract attention and conquer with their inner world. Among them there will definitely be your soulmate. The main thing is to believe in it and not close yourself off from others.

No matter how much it hurts, forgive the woman. If possible, talk to her and tell her that you don't hold a grudge. After all, if your wife leaves for someone else, there is a part of your fault in this. Besides, forgiveness will benefit you. As negativity accumulates in our souls, we become more and more depressed and embittered. In this case, you can’t talk about a happy life or the opportunity to meet your love. So, the most important thing is to forgive the person and wish him happiness. You'll see, it will become much easier!

It's good to switch gears and do something interesting. Take a vacation and go on a trip, start renovating your home, sign up for Chinese language courses, buy a membership to a fitness club. While your wife is leaving for someone else, it’s time not to “saw the sawdust” of your relationship with her, but to start a new life.

By the way, you can get excellent results by volunteering. You will have to communicate and work with a variety of people, and this will mean new experience, new acquaintances and... the realization that there are no hopeless situations in life. By the way, it is quite possible that you will meet your soulmate among the volunteers - anything can happen...

Don’t accumulate negativity in yourself - be sure to talk to someone. If you cannot confide in your parents or friends, consult a psychologist. Feel free to do this - there's nothing wrong with it. It’s much worse if you withdraw into yourself - life will become more difficult. By the way, you can always chat about how to survive your wife’s departure on the Internet on various forums. People who have already passed this stage will write to you, and you will see that breaking up is not a reason to stop enjoying life!

You should not force your wife to continue the relationship in the format of friendship: it is impossible to be friends with your exes, no matter what they tell us. It hurts, and you don't want to go back to pain. Start a new life by taking as your motto a slightly modified version of the famous line from the song: “if a wife leaves for someone else, then no one knows who is lucky!”

How to live further?

We have come to one of the most important questions - how to survive betrayal. A lot depends on your relationship

, the presence of sincere and affection.

The duration of the union also matters - the event occurred in the first or second year of marriage or after 10 or more years. In some couples, cheating is a release.

If your union has long outlived its usefulness, then sooner or later there must have been a reason for it to break completely. Review your recent time together

and answer the questions:

“Were you satisfied with the relationship?”;
“How did you communicate with each other?”;
“What were you missing?”;
“Were you both ready to work on the relationship, to maintain it?”

These questions are important for understanding yourself and the other side.

What to do to survive betrayal?

Understand the reason for the action.
In this case, the best way is a heart-to-heart conversation.
With rare exceptions, both partners are to blame
. It is not enough to get married and just live nearby. You need to work on relationships, learn to compromise, not only take, but also give.
Find out whether the wife repents of what she did
, whether she wants to continue living together, whether she considers cheating a mistake.
Try to ask
. This is the most difficult thing. To forgive means to let go of the situation, not to return to it again, not to reproach during the next family quarrel.
Forgiveness is an internal state of mind, and not everyone is able to achieve it.

Each family experiences the fact of betrayal individually

. And the decision on what to do is made based on whether the spouses want to continue living together.

Why do wives cheat?

A long-standing grudge against my spouse.

You may not even remember, but women remember for a long time an unpleasant statement made by a man to her, a negative action, or simply an unwillingness to show care and attention. Negativity can accumulate in small particles. It seems to you that everything suits her, but she just doesn’t want to quarrel with you again. But always remember that in her circle there will be a person who will seriously judge you and push her to take rash actions.

Boredom and monotony in family relationships.

Don’t rush to judge women, there really are families where a man lives only his own life, absolutely not paying attention to his wife. Rate your missus. Is she an attractive and thrifty woman, takes care of her appearance, dresses tastefully, has a good relationship with her children, has a favorite hobby and loyal friends? Many women have such qualities and beautiful actions and compliments are important to them. A woman is pleased if I admire her and set her up as an example for others, and the main thing is that it is her husband who does this, and not her work colleague or former classmate.

Maybe all this does not apply to your chosen one, but since you love her and are having a hard time experiencing betrayal, it means there is something in her that attracts and makes you worry about separation. Therefore, you should reconsider your behavior.

Think about how often you went with her to a restaurant, to the cinema, shopping, when was the last time you gave her flowers, where did you celebrate her birthday? Maybe during all the holidays she spends the whole day preparing the house for the arrival of guests, and receives flowers a couple of times a year, and only if there is a reason for it? How do you spend your weekends and vacations?

Most likely, everything is simple to the point of banality, these are trips to the country, to relatives, or, at best, to the sea once every five years. This is how many families live in principle and are quite happy with this way of life.

But, if you prefer to relax on the couch, spend the whole weekend with friends in the garage or fishing, and in the evenings play shooting games on the computer or drink beer with a neighbor. Then, in this case, there is nothing to be surprised if the missus gives preference to another man, and you, in turn, will look for the answer to the question “why your spouse betrayed you.”

Find out what other reasons there are for going outside.

Is it worth forgiving?

How to forgive a wife who cheated?

Forgiveness is your inner state, the willingness to let go of the situation

Men often ask themselves the question: is it really possible to forgive their spouse’s betrayal? In many ways, the ability to do this depends on the qualities of your soul and character traits.

For someone, it is impossible to forgive betrayal; it is a break in relationships forever and irrevocably

. Another, loving too much, forgives and is even ready to save the marriage.

You will have to decide what is important to you, whether you want to stay close to this person and not remember the action.

Forgiveness is a long process of working on yourself and your feelings.

. It doesn't come immediately. And these are not only words, but an internal state, a decision. Of course, you can forgive betrayal if you want and are ready to do it.

Is it necessary and possible to forgive the betrayal of my beloved wife? In this video:

How to forgive?

Forgiveness will be very difficult to give, because the man’s feelings and self-esteem are hurt. If he stays, it will be akin to him being a doormat. However, if you understand that forgiving your wife is the path to achieving what you want, then we are talking about strength.

To begin with, it is recommended to move away from everyday life in which everything happened. You can go to the country, to the sea, on a trip, to your parents, or somewhere else to be alone and think about everything. Decide for yourself what you will fight for next when you return home.

If you decide to stay with your wife, then you will have to meet and communicate with her. It is better to do this on neutral territory to find out the following questions for yourself:

Find out the woman's opinion about what happened.
Find out the reasons why she decided to cheat. If you want to stay, then agree on some rules to eliminate cheating in the future.
Is your wife ready to change and try to ensure that your marriage survives and no more infidelity occurs?

It is better to solve the problem yourself and together with your spouse. There is no need to turn to relatives and especially friends, since they will suggest you to break up, go into all serious troubles, start looking for another woman, etc. In other words, they will not care about the safety of your marriage if you really want to save it .

There is no need to take revenge on your wife. You can let off steam, but your wife will begin to doubt that you want to stay with her. There is also no need to take revenge on her former lover. It was largely used by a woman.

go to top