Lecture 1. Man as a member of society

“What will people say?”, “It’s not customary to do this,” “Mom knows best”—many of us have such attitudes. It’s just that someone was able to overcome them and gain the right to live the way they wanted, but for others, other people’s advice remained a priority.

“Correct” girls walk along a line all their lives and are afraid to take a step to the side. They expect someone to come, help, give advice, solve everything, and not have to take responsibility for their own life! First, the mother gives valuable instructions, then the boss, the man dominates the family. And where is the place of the woman herself in this chain? Unfortunately, near the baseboard.

From this article you will learn:

Why do we depend on other people's opinions?
How does society affect self-esteem?
What happens if a woman does not turn off the herd instinct?
How to start living your life without looking at others?

Where does dependence on other people's opinions come from?

Let's go back to childhood, because this is where parental attitudes and the notorious herd instinct are laid.

“Why did you fight with Dimochka? You need to be friends with your classmates. What will people even think of you? You’re a girl!” People will think that the child defended his opinion, defended himself. But thanks to parental lectures and exemplary punishments, this will no longer be done.
“What, a deuce again?” Who are you anyway? Aunt Dasha has a smart daughter, an excellent student, but what will she say about you?” It is clear that every mother wants to be proud (and sometimes boast) of her child’s successes. But is this a reason to trample his self-esteem into the dirt and instill in him a guilt complex?
“Well, look what you’re wearing! Take off those jeans now. Girls should wear dresses.” Actually, it's the 21st century, and women can wear whatever they want. But walking in a dress is uncomfortable, that’s a fact. But you have to listen to your mother, she won’t give bad advice.

Children automatically absorb attitudes with a negative emotional connotation. They are completely defenseless against parental criticism. The girl thinks: “For my mother to love me, I must walk straight, wear white socks and be obedient. If my parents fight, it means that I’m somehow wrong.”

Someone else’s opinion is sometimes more important to her than her own; before doing anything, she always thinks through her head, “What will people think?” Unhealthy perfectionism appears, an eternal race for the ideal.

What does perfectionism lead to?

A woman simply does not give herself the right to admit that she is an ordinary person, with her own weaknesses, desires and the right to make mistakes. All her life she tries to meet other people's criteria and ideals.

He dreams of being a designer, but goes to law school because his mother said so.
She works at an unloved, but prestigious job, so that people say “What a great Lyudochka, she achieved everything on her own.”
She gives birth to a child because “You’re already 30, what are you waiting for? Look around, all your friends have families/children. What will they think of you?”
She tolerates her alcoholic husband because getting a divorce is bad and you can’t abandon a person in trouble. What will people say?

And yes, many women live with an eye on public opinion. Historically, there was no concept of “I” in the countries of the post-Soviet space. And a person who puts his own desires above public desires is a complete egoist.

In difficult times, people did not have the opportunity to self-identify. And the children were raised in the same way.

Prerequisites for the emergence of addiction at the social level

The widespread prevalence of problems associated with the consumption of alcohol or illegal drugs is not separated from the traditions and customs of modern society, and is therefore directly related to culture. Today we encounter different cultures that completely reject alcohol and surfactants, as well as trends that are tolerant of adherents of alcohol. There are cultures that accept the use of alcohol, but strictly control the volume of its distribution.

Special attention should be paid to the family environment, which can minimize or increase the risks of addiction. That is why the great importance of social heritage is that the child in the future copies the behavior of his parents and the customs of their home. Scientists have been able to prove that where at least one of the parents is an alcoholic or drug addict, children grow up the same. An important role is played by the availability of prohibited psychoactive substances with alcohol, namely their cost. An excellent example: in Denmark, since World War II, vodka has risen tenfold in price, and beer has doubled. Thus, the government managed to reduce alcohol consumption by three times. Sweden also passed a law to increase the cost of vodka, and this reduced its consumption by 25%!

Based on the results of social surveys, it was found that alcohol abusers and addicts react to price increases normally, like everyone else.

One cannot help but recall that during the period of Prohibition in America, the number of deaths from liver cirrhosis almost halved.

The key social prerequisites for the growth of addiction are:

traditional legalized consumption of tobacco and alcohol;
norm of society;
dysfunctional family;
unhealthy behavioral atmosphere in a normal family;
frequency of moves;
free availability of prohibited substances;
presence of the patient in the family;
fashion for the consumption of prohibited substances;
lack of life guidelines and models of normal behavior;
hidden or direct advertising.

Building self-esteem

Everything we hear from society - parents, teachers, classmates, colleagues, men - becomes the foundation of self-esteem. It turns out that your self-esteem is assembled from the opinions of other people, like a puzzle. Think about it, have there been similar situations in your life?

“You broke the vase again. Who are you so crooked about?” - Mom asks, holding the fragments in her hands.
“You don’t understand the basics. With such knowledge of mathematics, you have a direct path to becoming a janitor,” says the teacher.
“Yeah, look at yourself in the mirror. Who will need you but me?” - says the tyrant guy.

They made fun of you in class, made an offensive remark, didn’t praise you even though you deserved it - every such incident destroys your self-esteem. Fears rear their head - being unaccepted, unwanted, lonely. And the woman chooses one of two paths:

1. Diligently moves forward to prove that she is the best. To wipe the noses of classmates who made fun of her or to prove to her mother that she is capable of more than waving a broom. But the achievements, career growth, and big name are not at all encouraging. Because a woman does this not for her own pleasure, but to receive a positive assessment from the public.

2. Gives up and gives up. Takes other people's opinions at face value. She believes that she is not beautiful, smart, capable enough, and does not deserve better. And even if a woman has enormous talent and extraordinary abilities, she will not be able to demonstrate them. The fear of failure, of making mistakes, of having another painful experience is too strong.

Self-affirmation and self-realization

There is an expression: “Good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go wherever they want.” In the eyes of society, “bad” girls are not at all notorious hooligans who defiantly throw garbage past the trash can.

These are people who allow themselves to be who they are, to do what they want. They do not have the basic attitude “What will my mother, my man, my neighbor, Grandma Dusya, think about me?”

“Bad” girls quickly go through a period of self-assertion. From childhood, they were taught to rely only on themselves and defend independence. They find their place in the sun easier because no internal beliefs prevent them from showing their talents.

But with women dependent on society, everything is not so simple:

Their path to success is blocked by their parents’ instructions: “Be correct, be exemplary - only then will they love you.” How can you achieve something if you need to be “like everyone else?”
They evaluate all their actions from the point of view of “What will they think/say about me?” Successful people should not worry about this at all, because there will always be dissatisfied envious people.
They measure themselves by someone else's standards, and push their own dreams and desires into the depths of the subconscious.

Successful people should not depend on the opinions of society. On the contrary, they expand opportunities, space, and go against others. If everyone sat down and kept their heads down, there is a huge chance that we would still be living in caves and eating dried mammoth for breakfast.

Who needs a wheel when you have two hands that can pull a load?
Why invent dishes if you can cook food on a stone?
Who needs these flights into space if they can walk well on the ground?

So it turns out that until a woman goes through the stage of self-affirmation, she will not be able to realize herself in life. Build normal relationships, make a career, build personal boundaries and stop listening to everything that others pour into her ears.

Position of the addict in society

Status is a psychological or socially assigned position. Everyone knows that society perceives a person by his collective status.

A low social position is always accompanied by life dissatisfaction. It is this that provokes cravings for drugs and alcohol. This explains why recovery is necessarily accompanied by an increase in status on the social ladder (change of job, respect from team members, etc.). It must be remembered that usually the team zealously resists changing the status of the individual for the better, and the patient should be thoroughly prepared for this.

Established relationships in a team are usually called the role of a person in society. Addicted people build relationships where the norm is the consumption of illegal substances. Even the cessation of this moment leaves the person in the same role. This is why the type of relationships in society should be changed during the recovery process.

What happens if a woman never realizes her potential?

I often repeat that every woman is unique, there is no other like her and there will not be another on planet Earth. The Universe has given each of us its gift - talents, potential, opportunities.

But someone has already unpacked this box and is now enjoying life, while someone still has it, covered with dust and cobwebs and waiting in the wings. Well, what if this is Pandora's box? Why open it?

Fears, negative attitudes, complexes, family scenarios, dependence on other people's opinions block our development. Life offers a woman the fastest racing car, and she “No, no, I’d rather take a tram. It’s bad, but it’s stable.”

Financial well-being

Money loves happy people who know what they want from life and direct all their energy to achieving their goals. Will they come to a woman who runs to her mother or friend for advice before making an investment?

This is just reinsurance in case the business goes under. There is a scapegoat to whom you can say “Yeah, it’s your fault! It was you who advised me.”

The cash flow is also blocked by the negative attitudes loved by many: “Money is evil”, “You can’t earn a lot of money through honest work”, “All rich people are thieves”. The subconscious simply blocks all possibilities. After all, how can you want what you consider evil?

But money is just a tool with which you can do both good and evil. Some people organize a charitable foundation, while others bribe suppliers to ruin a competitor. Only people are responsible for their actions.

Showcase your talents

Let's take abstract Tanya as an example. Perhaps she could have become a brilliant actress like Meryl Streep, but the first poem she read in kindergarten was an epic failure.

Moreover, my mother splashed oil on the fire: “What kind of actress are you? No external data, no diction, no talent.” And Tanya works all her life as a pediatrician, treating children with rashes, broken knees and sore throats, and she herself dreams of cinema and theater stages.

Relationship with a man

Who is attracted to women with low self-esteem? As a rule, tyrants or abusers. And it begins: “Who will need you?”, “Drop everything and give birth. I need an heir,” “What kind of wife are you? You can’t iron your shirt” and stuff like that. The woman becomes “comfortable”, but not happy.

And often girls get married and have children because “it’s the right thing to do.” Mom demands grandchildren, all her friends already have families, it’s scary to be left alone. Then they suffer for years in the trap of an unsuccessful marriage, because they are afraid of society’s condemnation.

Or other fears come into full play: “What if no one looks at me anymore?”, “Who will need me with the children?” But children are not a billion-dollar loan; every woman has every chance to remarry, and a man will accept and love her child. To do this, you just need to have courage and get out of the vicious circle. But for some reason it doesn't work.

Even if a woman is very lucky and marries a worthy man who will provide for, care for and cherish her, she will still find a reason for dissatisfaction. Because internal tension does not go away; in other areas it remains unrealized.

Let's look at the situation. After maternity leave, a woman wants to return to her favorite job early, so she wants to send her baby to kindergarten at 2 years old. She was tired of feeling like a feeding and changing machine. And even accounting reports are more interesting than endless cartoons about Peppa Pig. But a barrage of criticism falls on her: “You are a bad mother,” “Do you think you are the smartest? I could have stayed at home for another year.” She submits, lags behind the flow of life and again becomes fixated on the needs of the child. Hence the depression, the loss of joy in life, and the feeling of unfulfillment.
If a woman is dependent on other people's opinions, she develops immaturity. She thinks like a child, she has no inner core. And those around you take advantage of it. As a result, the woman serves their needs and forgets about her own. Cooking a three-course meal turns out to be more important than going to a cafe with friends, and scrubbing the floors and ironing clothes before nightfall is more important than getting a healthy sleep.
The woman has a bag of fears behind her back, and they do not allow her to act. It’s scary to just go up and ask your husband for money for your small business. She will sit within four walls for years, dream, draw up a business plan in her thoughts, but she will not go further than that. And then it will be too late, and all that will remain is to regret that life has passed, but the dream has remained a dream.

Resentment towards the world will accumulate. You can blame your mother, men, the government - or anyone else for your failure! Everyone around me is bad, I’m the only one who’s white and fluffy!

Patient's environment

A person who has fallen into the bondage of addiction is in dire need of a special group where he becomes “one of his own.” In this case, the individual will be forced to accept the norms of the group he has joined. If mental peace and health are promoted here, a person’s chances of recovery increase, if on the contrary, psychological health will become more fragile.

When a person is not fully formed and immature, the need for acceptance by the team increases. Society's norms have a stronger influence on her.

A psychologically stable person, however, has not yet “grown up” to a certain level of the chosen society, and fully tries to interact with it in every possible way. In a team with incorrect foundations, a person becomes “infected” and over time he develops psychological problems.

Surrounded by people who abuse alcohol or drugs, an insufficiently mature person becomes one of them.

Abrupt and gradual changes

If people are dissatisfied with the state of society, then the danger of revolution inevitably arises. This term denotes a sharp change in social guidelines and norms. As a rule, society and the people in it develop gradually, that is, in an evolutionary way. Sharp changes caused by popular discontent can only appear if there are deep contradictions in society.

To avoid revolutions and bloodshed, society must carry out reforms on time. Reorganizations and transformations are factors in the painless and effective development of humanity. If people go this way, they do not have to destroy the entire basis of the social structure of their society.

Gradual development is sometimes referred to as “modernization.” It is also associated with progress in science and technology. The development of both society as a whole and the people who make it up in particular depends on them today. With the help of innovations, humanity improves its standard of living and makes society happier.

Family problems

It is obvious that social consequences always affect the people around whom the patient lives. First of all, this concerns family relationships. When such problems arise, they are studied carefully:

the family is not the unit of society where the patient will stay for a long time;
loved ones suffer more than others from the problem of a loved one;
a loved one is the first who takes part in deciding the fate of the patient and helps to overcome the disease.

In general, according to statistics, it is known that drug addicts enter into legal marriage less often than healthy people, or their family unit quickly falls apart.

Problems that arise in a family due to a chemical illness of one or more of its members are:

Financial. They are related to the workplace. An abusive person is a less reliable employee. Its performance level is significantly reduced. The person starts playing truant and asks his colleagues to hide his behavior. Often employers note that an employee begins to steal.
Violating family traditions. A person misses important family meetings, holidays, trips to visit grandparents and elderly parents.
Emotional. Patients with chemical dependence constantly feel guilty and suffer from nervous or mental illnesses. All this complicates the social consequences.
Physical violence. This factor is most often found in a family where there is an addict.
Family discord. As a result of the violence, one of the parents has to support the child. This becomes a provocation to violence on the part of the abusive parent. Often a sober person simply refuses to protect the child in order to temporarily improve the relationship with the addict.
Isolation from society. The inappropriate behavior of an abusive family member, which does not fit within the normal framework, becomes the reason for the isolation of the entire family from friends and communication with relatives. Children of such parents are embarrassed to invite friends over because their parents’ behavior is unpredictable.

Only qualified medical assistance and psychologists can help a patient with chemical dependence get out of a difficult situation.

Only qualified psychologists and consultants from among those in recovery can help an addict get out of a difficult situation by building an individual treatment trajectory.

Authors: Zakova Natalya

Categories: For relatives, About the disease, Blog