Psychologist M.V. Smolenskaya ⋆ How to resist manipulators

Who are manipulators

Everyone wants to get something from others in one way or another. But only manipulators treat other people as things: they use them shamelessly and selfishly, without thinking about the harm or injustice they cause. For a manipulator, only one thing is important: to get his benefit, whatever it may be. It could be something material, or it could just be the pleasure of feeling power over someone.

The manipulator does not always act consciously and understand the harm his actions cause. Children and parents can manipulate others unconsciously.

How to resist a manipulator

There are a number of specific skills that will prevent you from being made a victim.

First of all, remember that you have the same rights as everyone else:

have your own opinion, different from others;
Express feelings;
set your priorities;
protect yourself from emotional and physical abuse;
respectful attitude of others.

The rights of any person are infringed from time to time. It is in your power to defend them, not to show weakness. If you do not have a personal or work relationship with the manipulator, you should not continue communication. It ruins your mood, lowers your self-esteem and drains your vitality.

How to recognize a manipulator

The easiest way to recognize a manipulator is by listening to your own feelings after or during communication with a person. The following signs can be considered alarm signals:

communication with a certain person causes discomfort associated with dissatisfaction with oneself, loss of self-confidence;
the appearance of a feeling of guilt, demanding to atone for it or make amends;
the feeling that you have again done something that you did not intend to do;
a sudden desire to certainly meet someone’s requirements or tastes, to earn the approval of another person;
the desire to take someone under guardianship or serve someone as support and support, a “vest”, to save him and solve his problems, pushing aside his own affairs and needs;
a feeling of powerlessness and inability to resist pressure or extortion.

The manipulator can be a tyrant, acting aggressively and arrogantly, or hide under the mask of a weak and sick person, completely unadapted to the harsh life of a person. He may pretend to be your best friend or pretend to be madly in love. But in all cases, the manipulator uses you, your time, energy, means, your emotions to achieve his own goals and gain his own benefit. Any exchange is made in his favor, any compromise is associated with the fact that the victim gives in, any bonuses go to the manipulator.

The manipulator and his victim

There is always a long-term relationship between this couple. They depend on each other and are constantly attracted. On the one hand, this is power, on the other, submission.

The manipulator believes that he must and has the right to dictate his own rules. He may imagine himself as an assistant, a patron. His victim unknowingly allows him to do this.

This type of relationship is most often found in couples:

parents and children;
spouses;
superior and subordinate.

Not everyone becomes a victim. Typically, such a person meets the following characteristics:

Has not matured psychologically or is directly dependent on the manipulator. This category often includes children whose adolescent personality has not yet formed.
Has weaknesses: kind, sympathetic, impulsive, in love.
There are no own goals, desires, positions. He perceives other people's ideas and aspirations as his own.
Does not know how or does not strive to resist the manipulator, analyze relationships, and is ready to endure discomfort.

The manipulator on his own is often unable to achieve the desired heights. He uses the energy, strength, and talent of the victim for this.

The latter suffers not only morally, but also physically. After communicating with the manipulator, malaise, headache, and insomnia occur.

Prolonged contact threatens various kinds of diseases and disorders. To avoid this, you will have to learn to resist the manipulator. As a result, a person will remove the shackles of victimhood, learn to respect his interests, and be firmer in his convictions.

Why is it difficult to say “No”

Most often, people who have a high degree of responsibility, are sincere, conscientious and decent become victims of manipulators. It is easiest to make them feel guilty, to appeal to them for responsibility and responsiveness. Those who are not confident in themselves and are dependent on outside opinions and assessments easily fall for the bait of manipulators.

To get what he wants from his victim, the manipulator tries to hook her emotionally by influencing sensitive points. Remember the fabulous manipulator Carlson from the children's book by Astrid Lindgren. The kid was most afraid of losing his extraordinary friend and being left alone. Therefore, the offended “I don’t play like that!” had a flawless effect on the boy: he immediately agreed to do whatever the red-haired manipulator with the propeller wanted. If only they could continue to play and be friends with him.

A mother who does not want to let her grown children out of her control begins to defiantly drink Corvalol as soon as the children do something not the way she wants. “Yes, of course, go have fun... Just don’t forget that I won’t be able to sleep until you return.” A feeling of guilt kicks in, and the victim submits over and over again, suppressing his irritation and annoyance.

“If you leave me, I will commit suicide, I will die of melancholy at your doorstep” - this is also a phrase from the manipulator’s arsenal. Who wants to cause suicide, even if it seems unlikely?

Another manipulator technique is to turn off logic and critical thinking in the victim. This is how scammers from all kinds of financial pyramids, “sellers of air,” act. Almost all advertising is built on the manipulation of the subconscious.

How can you learn to build the right relationships with manipulators?

Gaslighting - what is it?

One of the most striking examples of manipulation is gaslighting, which involves psychological influence on a person through speech and actions. This word came into use after the film adaptation of Patrick Hamilton's play Gas Light. A film was even made based on it in 1944 with the participation of Ingrid Bergman (in the title role - the heroine of Paula) and Charles Boyer (based on the film, Gregory - Paula's husband). What is the point of the film? Let's look at the plot to understand. The life of the main character, Paula, has been filled since childhood with the experience of loss: her mother dies in early childhood, and her aunt, who raised her all the time, dies in adolescence. The aunt's death was violent: she was strangled. From the very beginning of the film, we understand that the heroine has traumas from childhood, which most likely could have affected her psyche. There is also a bright feeling in the heroine’s life - love for her husband, with whom she moves to live in that same aunt’s house, filled with memories, where she spent her childhood and where the murder was committed.

Photo: kinopoisk.ru

And further in the story, after moving into the house, the heroine’s state of mind seems to be getting worse all the time. It begins to seem to her that she is becoming absent-minded, as if she is periodically losing some things, or even even hearing someone’s steps. Against the background of all this, the gas lamp in the evening begins to shine more and more dimly, as if it is dying out. But it is no coincidence that it fades away: day after day, the heroine’s husband dims this lamp with his own hands, but denies his actions.

Photo: kinopoisk.ru

Paula begins to believe that it is not the lamp at all, that it is her wild imagination and weakening mind. Why does the husband mock his beloved like this? It's simple: he wants to take possession of the jewelry left over from his aunt. He is the same killer who strangled Aunt Paula for her jewelry. But he couldn’t bear them because they scared him away. And this man returned again to this house many years later, in a new role - the heroine’s husband. His desire is simple: to take away what he once killed for. It is for this reason that Gregory tries to sow doubts in Paula about the adequacy of her own perception of reality. “ obedient." “Gaslight” is not the only film that explores the theme of gaslighting; there are other examples: “Now You See Me” (2005), “The Game” (1997), “The Changeling” (2008).

Photo: pexels.com

Gaslighting is characterized by suggestions—accusations that begin with “you”: “You’re just tired,” “you’re just forgetful,” “you’re always losing things,” “you’re just suspicious,” “you’re too sensitive.” In fact, it turns out that the manipulator first puts the thing in one place, then changes its position and assures the victim that this is how the thing has always been. Gaslighting is one of the most insidious types of manipulation, because sooner or later it undermines the other person’s sense of reality. The recipient stops trusting himself, begins to doubt that he sees things as they are, and may even believe in his own madness. Gaslighting always contains such an element as an artificially created truth - the so-called illusory truth effect: a phenomenon when the recipient begins to believe what is often repeated by the manipulator.

In the classic version of gaslighting, the manipulator makes the other person go crazy or tries to impute some kind of defect or inability to do something. The essence of gaslighting is that the victim is simultaneously convinced of inadequacy and at the same time made to feel guilty for any attempts to justify himself. In fact, the addressee hears from the manipulator: “You’ve already gone crazy and you just don’t see the difference from the inside.” It works flawlessly, especially if the manipulator speaks very confidently.

Photo: pexels.com

Gaslighting can also be unconscious. One example is when a woman provokes a man to emotions, accuses him of being cold and inability to feel, and then turns his outburst of emotions to her advantage and accuses him of uncontrollable anger. And you can find many such examples in everyday life.

How to recognize a manipulator? For a number of reasons. Here both the body and the ear will tell you. Here are some important points:

1. Emotions. If the addressee feels that the interlocutor is trying to influence feelings of shame or pity, you can be sure that we are talking about manipulation.

2. The repetition of the same words, the same statements indicates that a zombie process is underway, the interlocutor is trying to instill the thought he needs.

3. Tight deadlines. Urgency increases the level of nervousness, the recipient does not have time to comprehend what has been said, and the manipulator already demands action.

4. Imposition of stereotypes. The manipulator tries to impose actions that, as is commonly believed, people usually take and the addressee could take. The message is simple: do it, this is the norm, this is how it should be.

Safety precautions in relationships with manipulators: 5 tips

Learn to step back. You cannot give manipulators the opportunity to hook you emotionally. You can and should help others, but only when they really need it. You are not obligated to solve other people's problems and fulfill other people's desires to the detriment of yourself.
Learn to say “No.” It is not reprehensible to refuse. Only you yourself can manage your time, energy and resources, no matter what others think about it.
Take a break. Whatever the manipulator demands or asks of you, do not agree right away. “I’ll think about it” - this phrase quickly gets boring for the manipulator, and he switches to more pliable victims.
Don’t make it easy for the manipulator: don’t offer to do what he wants you to do. Some psychologists advise ignoring his veiled requests altogether.
Change the conversation to another topic. Or ask over and over again to have it clearly explained to you once again what they want from you and why exactly from you and exactly this.

Over time, it will become easier to resist the manipulator. The main thing is not to forget that you, and only you, decide how to live, what to spend your time and money on, what to be responsible for and to what extent.

Expert commentary

Artem Tolokonin, psychologist-psychotherapist, candidate of medical sciences, founder of the Center for Family Psychology and Psychotherapy

Manipulators are people who take advantage of our weaknesses and insecurities. Depending on their “qualification,” their methods can vary in sophistication. There are certain signs by which you can recognize a manipulator. But if you notice them, it means you are dealing with a bird that is not of the highest flight. Much more problems are created for us by those manipulators whose methods are not so obvious. Sometimes they act so subtly that only professional psychologists can “calculate” their real intentions. Therefore, my advice to you: do not try to analyze the behavior of other people for their manipulation. You are more likely to become paranoid than to succeed at all.

The most correct thing would be to build a strategy of defense “from yourself”, that is, to work on yourself and thereby develop an “antidote” for any manipulation. There are only two things that make us dependent on other people's beliefs and actions: self-deception and lack of faith in our own abilities. Therefore, to become invulnerable to manipulators, you need to do the following:

Realize your goals in all areas of life, be it family, work, finances, etc. If you know your goals, then you also imagine the path that leads to them. Therefore, it is difficult for you to be led astray and carried away by dubious enterprises that do not meet your goals.
Analyze to what extent these goals are yours. Are they really dictated by your desires, and not by the desires and unfulfilled ambitions of your parents or the expectations of those close to you?
Try to “give birth” to yourself and remember the state of inner confidence in your abilities and the belief that your goals are achievable, regardless of what you want - to lose a couple of extra pounds or fly into space. Once you realize your goals and believe in your strengths, you will clearly see the right path and become invulnerable to manipulators.

Take the testTest for women: assessment of family relationships Having been together for a long time, many couples begin to wonder what stage their relationship is at and maybe it’s time to change something in it. The test will help you identify problems in your relationship and find the best ways to solve them.

Determining the fact of manipulation

Is it possible to independently determine that you are being manipulated? Yes, definitely. But in general, this can only be done after a little preparation. Its essence is that first you have to realize your true needs, your boundaries, your desires and your goals. In other words, you need to learn to recognize your own Self.

At first glance, it is so simple that you may wonder why you need to do this at all and how you can not understand your desires. But it often turns out that many of our feelings and habits, style of behavior and communication, and even noble spiritual impulses - all of them are formed not by ourselves, but by someone from the outside.

Let's figure out how you can understand that you are being manipulated. First, you should make sure that you clearly understand your boundaries, your area of responsibility, your sense of duty. This is quite easy to understand. If there are situations in your life in which something or someone forces you to drop everything you’re doing and rush to the other end of the city to, for example, sit at the bedside of your friend’s father, and your inner voice tells you that this is really in fact, it’s not necessary, because your friend may not go to football on that particular day - congratulations, you are being manipulated, playing on your feelings of friendship or respect for elders. And the situation you find yourself in is the direct responsibility of your friend, but not of you.

If you have to stay late at work, redoing the work of one of your colleagues because he thoughtlessly didn’t do something, didn’t have time, forgot, etc., and you are “so good that you can handle it better than anyone else” - you again they manipulate, but this time they play on your desire to be the best (smarter, more skillful, etc.). Accordingly, this situation should be resolved not by you, but by the boss or colleague who turns to you with this request.

If you hear from your loved one a phrase like: “If you love me, you will do such and such” - it’s sad, but this is again manipulation based on your feelings for your loved one, but also on the guilt that you you will suffer if you refuse your request.

Try to analyze various situations that you find yourself in from time to time and that cause you internal discomfort. This discomfort means a violation of your boundaries, the introduction of some foreign influence into them. You need to identify those weaknesses of yours, the “strings of the soul” that experienced manipulators play on. When you understand who is pulling your strings and why, you can resist - politely and skillfully. This will be discussed a little further.

So, if we try to understand the moral and ethical side of the matter, we will see that any manipulator wants to impose his will on the person he is manipulating. This desire is fundamentally aggressive, even if the manipulator knows how to do his “hocus pocus” by pretending to be an innocent poor lamb. Is it possible to cope with the aggressive behavior of a manipulator directed at you? Can.

Know your rights

To learn to keep your distance from “extra” people, you need to know about your rights in society. These fundamental rights allow you to restrict yourself from unnecessary people and protect your personal dignity. Every person has the right:

Respect towards other people;
To express your thoughts, emotions and wishes;
Prioritize your communication and actions;
Refuse people without feeling guilty;
Express an opinion that is different from the majority opinion;
Protect yourself from the negative influence of other people;
Make plans for your future existence, depending on your goals;

By establishing such rules for people who are beginning to get involved in their personal lives, you can protect yourself from negative influence and manipulation.

How to behave with such a man?

Men tend to use rougher, more aggressive manipulative methods , while women more often use soft, gentle manipulations that are not always possible to recognize.

How to beat a manipulator? If you understand that the man in your environment is a manipulator, it is important:

Be vigilant. Always remember that the man standing in front of you may begin to put pressure on you to get what you want. Monitor his attempts to influence and listen to yourself. If there is no close connection with him and you can painlessly distance yourself from him, this is worth doing, since further communication will be extremely difficult and unpleasant.
Use countermanipulation. The scheme of simple countermanipulation is simple: pretend that you don’t understand that you are being manipulated, then launch a counterattack, and at the end say something unexpected to demonstrate to the manipulator that you are one step ahead.
At the same time, you can answer him in different ways, depending on the situation, the main thing is to make it clear that he will not be able to take advantage of you and that you are in control of what is happening. Usually, over time, the manipulator will stop trying to put pressure on you.

How to protect yourself from a manipulator? How to talk to him? Basics of communication with a manipulator, counter-manipulation techniques :

answer briefly, in abrupt sentences;
resort to vague, vague statements;
use template phrases, stereotypical formulations;
joke, tease, if possible;
smile more often, create the feeling that you do not take the manipulator and his words seriously;
at the same time, control yourself, be polite, under no circumstances try to insult him, directly humiliate him, or hit him;
joke gently with yourself;
do not try to make excuses and apologize for refusing: this will give the manipulator the feeling that he can put pressure on you.

To beat a manipulative narcissist, you can use the following techniques:

Depreciation. To make the manipulator shy away, feel negative emotions, lower his self-esteem, you should somehow belittle his opinion, express criticism of his proposals, actions, and sarcastically ridicule something that is important to him.
Ignoring. It is also used to lower the self-esteem of the manipulator and make him feel bad. But it will only work if the manipulating person is really able to perceive being ignored painfully for some reason. It works well in the case of manipulators from close circles who have positive feelings towards the victim. Do not answer a man’s phone calls, try not to notice his presence, be calm.
Inducement. Using this technique, you can force the manipulator to do something useful for the recipient of the manipulation. It is important to offer him solutions that are beneficial to you in one way or another, use various motivational incentives (for example, encouragement), conduct the conversation casually and kindly, but at the same time make it clear that you will definitely not do anything for him.

How to fight back a manipulator?

Manipulators quickly lose interest in people who do not respond to their manipulative influence.

to stand your ground throughout the entire period of communication with a manipulating person in order to ensure his disappearance.

“Are you manipulating me? For what?"

This, as they say, is a straightforward question. But it is he who most often turns out to be the most effective - there is a chance that the interlocutor will become embarrassed and retreat. Agree, it’s not very pleasant to be exposed. If he remains adamant, it will be possible to at least find out why he is doing this.

So if you feel like they're trying to pressure you, try using one of these phrases. In any case, you will feel more confident, and managing such people is always more difficult.

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Maintain distance and subordination 4

A manipulator can quite easily switch from one behavior model to another. Sometimes he will tend to express immense gratitude and sociability towards people. In another situation he will be quite rude. Also, he will put pressure on other people with his behavior in order to get what he needs.

Try to contact such a person as rarely as possible so as not to experience discomfort in communication. If this person is with you at work, try to be polite to him, but never use his techniques towards him. This will bring it out. It is very difficult for manipulators to be in the same society with the same people.

The reason for this behavior lies in children's upbringing. You won't be able to fix it, you'll just waste your nerves. The task of re-education is a matter of time, situations and concerns of other people.

Manipulator - who is he?

Analyze the behavior of your friends; perhaps among them there are those who shamelessly take advantage of you for their own selfish purposes. There are several types of manipulators:

Dictators seek to influence their victims with orders and dominance. They often quote the statements of famous people in order to achieve submission with the help of someone else's authority.
The opposite of dictators are wimps. Such people tend to get their way by demonstrating personal hypersensitivity. They often forget, prefer not to hear comments and remain passively silent.
The calculator manipulator strives to keep everyone under control. At the same time, he himself does not hesitate to deceive and evade. Due to his penchant for deception, he suspects others of lying and double-checks them all the time.

Sticky is a person who prefers to be in a dependent position. He wants to be surrounded by care and attention.
A bully demonstrates his aggression, threatens, acts cruelly to others and thereby achieves what he wants.
The opposite of a bully is a nice guy. He prefers to act by demonstrating exaggerated care and attention. The nice guy just smothers you with his love.
A manipulative judge prefers to blame everyone, forgives no one, and is always full of indignation.
The manipulator-defender uses the opposite methods. He is always tolerant of the mistakes of others and emphatically supports everyone.

The opposite of a manipulator

The exact opposite of a manipulator are people who have the following character traits. They are honest and value freedom and trust in relationships. Able to effectively express their feelings, both positive and negative. They see and hear others well, enjoy art, music and cinema. They are distinguished by spontaneity, initiative, and have control over their own lives. They try to cope with life's difficulties here and now.

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