How office romances affect employees’ work: a family psychologist explains

Work is the place where a person spends most of his life. At work, people meet new acquaintances, friends, fall in love, and start office romances. The corporate ethics of most organizations prohibits office romances. But sometimes, even the threat of dismissal cannot interfere with the romantic relationships of colleagues.

Office romance, like love itself, has two sides:

on the one hand, when everything is good in our personal life - we bloom, fly, and are in a great mood;
on the other hand, when we are in pain, when problems or troubles arise, we become irritable and passive, both at home and at work.

But if at home we can afford the luxury of “getting depressed,” then at work, no matter what mood we are in, we must always perform our job duties well.

As already noted, an office romance at work with a colleague has both obvious advantages and disadvantages.

Pros of office romance at work

You don’t need time to get to know each other in more detail - you already know almost everything about this person - about his passions, what he likes and doesn’t like, what he eats, whether he is responsible, what he is capable of.
You don’t know the phrase “awkward silence” - with it you don’t need to look for a topic to talk about .
There is no need to wait until you meet again - you see each other every day at work .
Everyone is watching you. You have to play the game “what are we - but we’re nothing!”, which further warms up your relationship (including hot kisses “while no one is looking”, stroking knees under the table in the common dining room and meaningful long glances across the entire office right at soul).
He is always “on parade.” Solid, well-groomed, smelling pleasantly of exquisite eau de toilette. Not in sweatpants with knees stretched out, not in an old tank top, and not with three days of stubble.
He is always there to come to your aid, support, console, and encourage you.
You know where he is, who he is with , why he is late at work, and whether you have competitors in the office.

Relationships with a colleague at work: pros

The constant closeness of lovers. Thanks to this, all disagreements based on jealousy come to naught, unless, of course, one of the partners is married.
Love inspires, inspires, and makes a person happy. Even the sound of an alarm clock does not cause irritation, but a happy smile. A person runs to work, because he has an additional incentive there.
Positive emotions, such as love, stimulate people to heroic deeds and self-development. A person wants to be better and constantly works on himself.
When your loved one is nearby, you always want to look good and beautiful. This is a kind of incentive to keep the body in good shape, the desire to look neat and beautiful.

Disadvantages of an affair with a work colleague - what to fear?

Everyone is watching you (again). That is, the entire office is indirectly involved in your affair. They discuss you behind your back, your every action is examined almost with a magnifying glass, they make sarcastic remarks, joke, etc. In the smoking room, the theme of your novel is the main one.
Work begins to mix with personal life. This does not benefit work responsibilities, and, of course, management does not like it. And so do my colleagues: some are simply awkward in the role of witnesses, others are stifled by envy.
If the flame of your romance is suddenly blown out by a sudden wind, working together will be unbearably difficult .
An affair at work leads to loss of respect from your colleagues. Because the stereotype is “Office romance is bad!” - live alive since time immemorial. And if someone has already “seen” your chosen one for themselves, then expect not only condemnation, but also real problems from new offended “enemies”.
The development of an office romance into a more serious relationship is rare . According to statistics, more than 60 percent of all such romances end in separation. Moreover, very painful and scandalous.
An office romance, especially if it has an unsuccessful outcome, can seriously damage your reputation and your career itself.

What are the positives of office romance?

If you evaluate an affair at work with a married man completely impartially, you can find some positive aspects:

In a work environment, there are many opportunities to take a closer look at your chosen one, see him in various situations, better understand his character and preferences, so in the case of an office romance, the risk of running into an outright boor or scammer is minimal.
When an office romance occurs, relationships at work help bring the couple closer together thanks to common interests and topics that can be discussed endlessly and become even closer to each other.
Forbidden relationships, which have to be kept deeply secret from colleagues, give a special charm and poignancy to the relationship, and have an incredibly exciting and extremely attractive effect on lovers.
If you are in the midst of an affair at work with a married gentleman, then the possibility of betrayal for him is almost zero. For at work he is under your supervision all day, and at home he comes under the sensitive guidance of his wife. But this is only if you are not jealous of your wife.
Your man spends most of his time with you, while dealing with work issues, so you won’t have to complain about the lack of attention.
Despite the fact that from a moral point of view you are making a big mistake by starting an affair at work with a married man, love always brings great positivity and is a surprisingly good incentive to achieve new heights. According to American sociologists, office romances stimulate work feats and significantly improve work performance.
Work ceases to be a boring, routine place where you are forced to go every day, overcoming yourself. Now, when a meeting with your loved one awaits you at work, it becomes the most beautiful place on earth and you no longer rush home at the end of the working day, prolonging and delaying it in every possible way.
If a woman has an affair with a man at work, she is always fresh and positive, looks good, and carefully monitors her figure and clothes.

But despite all these positives, office romances with married men are very difficult for their fighting friends and often become the point of no return when you can no longer give up your existing relationship and take your love in a different direction with another man. Even if he is absolutely ideal and unrealistically beautiful, the woman, due to her romanticism, will return to her failed relationship, which gave her so much love and warmth.

How to maintain an office romance - relationships at work and in your personal life

Each of us is looking for a soul mate in life who will be close in interests, life values, principles, etc. This happens subconsciously, and there is no escape from it. Therefore, romances at work are quite common. After all, it is there that we most often meet like-minded people.

A flair of mystery and adventurism spurs a flaring desire, which results in a rapidly developing romance. In addition, he is not at all burdened with everyday problems .

Is it possible to maintain a relationship despite stereotypes, the influence of external factors and teamwork? What do you need to remember if your relationship is not a meeting without obligations, but really a meeting of two halves ?

Everything secret (this is known to everyone) will sooner or later become clear. And no matter how carefully you disguise your relationship, it will still become public. Therefore, when embarking on this path, be prepared for the rules of the “game”.
Control your feelings. No kissing or hugging at work. No languid glances or instant messaging. Leave your emotions at the office door.
Remember about corporate ethics : the desire to isolate yourself from the team is a direct violation of it. A negative attitude from colleagues is guaranteed. Be restrained, do not show your feelings to anyone.
Peace to the world! Do not sort things out inside the office walls - only outside. If passions are running high and you are ready to quarrel right at work, take a day off or vacation.
No matter how much you would like to share your emotions with colleagues, do not do this under any circumstances . This frankness can result in unnecessary questions, completely insincere sympathy/joy, gossip and the use of your frankness against you.
If your relationship is already strong enough , in this case you can inform your colleagues and superiors, thereby eliminating unnecessary speculation.
Don't limit your romance to office walls , lunch breaks and corporate events. Relationships only within the office are doomed to failure. Life together (communication) should be after work, not during it.
Be prepared that you will have to change jobs . Close relationships and working together are a serious test. Even married couples who have lived together for a long time are not all able to withstand it.

Advice from psychologists

So, how to behave if there is mutual sympathy with one of your colleagues? Here's what psychologists advise:

Be sure to find common interests outside of work. It is clear that most of your time will continue to be occupied by work. but other interests must be present. Make the topic of work taboo behind its walls, otherwise you risk turning a romantic dinner into a branch of the negotiation table.

Look after yourself. To attract your partner's attention, try to look fashionable and stylish during work hours. Even if your office has a strict dress code, fashionistas still find opportunities to look sexy and modern. Original accessories will come to the rescue, as well as items with an unusual cut that emphasizes the dignity of the figure. Don't forget about a beautiful hairstyle and light makeup.

Do not advertise relationships within work walls. Compliments, flirting, kisses - all this should remain outside of work. At work, behave with each other in an emphatically polite manner, trying not to single out the object of your affection from others. This way you can avoid gossip and gossip, which are not uncommon in many teams. In addition, the secret of the office romance will play into your hands if the relationship ends.

How to end a love affair at work painlessly and without consequences?

Not all colleagues who fall in love are lucky enough to reach the “they lived happily ever after” stage. More precisely, few people were lucky . That is, your office romance may also sink into oblivion.

And it’s good if everything ends calmly , without breaking dishes, slaps in the face, etc. It just goes nowhere, as if it never happened.

It’s much worse if you have to “pay the bills . And every day at work you will be greeted by the grins of your colleagues, his proud and offended inaccessibility, the flirtations of your loved one yesterday with other colleagues, and your desire - to fall through the ground, having first tightened the tie on his powerful neck. What can we say about the situation in the office , which obviously will not please the management...

How to survive this moment in the least painful way , if it does come - the opinion of psychologists:

Pull yourself together and abstract from your emotions - this is your first task. Auto training, change of impressions and emotions, vacation - whatever.
The second task is to establish a relationship with him, if not sincerely friendly, then at least acceptable for work . If you don’t make scandals, don’t take revenge, don’t try to get everything back by any means - you will succeed. As a rule, men are very happy to be “friends” with their former passions. Because you can be yourself with them, you can come to them to complain about life, or you can even sit comfortably and comradely in a cafe, have a nice chat about everything and have a good time. Don't multiply enemies, make friends - it's always more pleasant.
If you are unable to cope with your emotions, but you are still drawn to him, such a still charming parasite, and you are already “peering into the abyss” with interest - change your job .
If you are the initiator of the breakup, and he does not give you a pass, then remain equanimous and neutral . No retaliatory insults, no reasons for “maybe there’s still a chance...”, no aggression, jokes, etc. Be polite, understanding, but categorical.

Like in the movies. A short but happy story of romance at work from Olga

“In medicine there are whole dynasties of medical families. And not only in medicine, probably. A family of scientists, for example. Or athletes there, teachers - in my opinion, this happens and is not uncommon. People look for a person based on themselves. Simply with close views or meet where they are most often. We met at the faculty, then got married. Or they were colleagues. Or fate brought it together at the conference. She also brought me together, although not with a colleague, but the relationship at work was very close, laughter and laughter.

I had just finished medical school and got a job as a nurse in a hospital. One day, during my day off, my colleagues called me and said: “Come on, come to work, there are such guys lying around!”

Oh, that didn't make me happy. The shifts are already hard, long, exhausting, and then there’s fun planned with daring young people, a whole company, as I understand it. They won't let you work in peace. Sailors often get inflammation of the tonsils, this is professional. And now they were supposed to bring us a new batch. But this one didn’t even want to go to bed, he said: “A friend is trying to persuade me, like, what are you talking about, there’s such a sister there, young, beautiful, he would have hit me himself, but not before.”

He refused and refused, but in the end it thundered anyway. Of course, I liked him - a young, handsome sailor, a good guy. I only gave him one injection! And he looked after me, waited for my shift, like I don’t know what, he helped fill out magazines on his shift, even though this is impossible, he takes a pen and writes, writes. During your shift, you get tired of standing, sitting, and holding a pen. So he worked for me at night. Invaluable help! He lay down, recovered and went to sea. Before that I found out my address. In the hospital. He didn't tell me anything.

And here I was sitting at home, suddenly the doorbell rang: he showed up. The bouquet is huge, bigger than himself, and he got it wherever he could. I probably cut off all the flower beds in the area. We walked for two weeks, movies, parks, and said: “When I return from the flight, we’ll get married!” He sent me jeans and handbags from Italy. I sat and waited. I think she’s naive, she’ll go far away and forget, there are a million people like me in every city. So, I spent my time. But no. He returned with suitcases. He left his homeland, he left everything. Come straight to me. We got married and have been together for 35 years. This is such strong love.”

Maria Sidorova

Life story

I have been a grandmother for 10 years, and my lover is 41. Our office romance lasts about 5 years. My work colleagues have probably known about our relationship for a long time, but if they discuss our friendship, it is without enthusiasm and anger. For example, when I return from home, where I spend most of my time with my husband and granddaughter, everyone breathes a sigh of relief, probably waiting for the continuation of events, as in the series (how will it all end?).

We have no desire to leave the family that he and I have, to destroy a long-established, familiar life. Unlike my husband, who has long considered me a “grandmother,” for him I am a woman, and this most likely gives me the strength to live and work.

I believe that everything depends on the person, if he can afford an affair on the side, then it makes no difference whether it is official or non-official. Many people say that this is humiliating and disgusting, why then did you go to the registry office and get married if you cannot fulfill your obligations? Isn't it easier to break up and live as you want!?

Maybe I’m selfish, and in another time I would have been dragged through comrades’ courts and trade unions. But life changes, and I change my attitude towards it. I think I can put an end to it when it needs to be done and will treat it with understanding if I am not the initiator. We all know that few relationships end well. The brighter the connection, the more one of the partners promises, the more conflict the couple breaks up with (if you can call it that).

And someone builds their next romance as an adventure, a holiday, and even after a breakup they call each other to remember the past with a smile.

Some, in order not to fall into the trap of a married man, try to have one, or even two more novels. So, one very eccentric and wise woman invited former lovers with their wives and current lovers with their wives to visit her. This is in the spirit of the times of Louis XIV, believing that it helps her maintain her sense of humor and superiority over her men. But only a few are capable of such “feats.”

For most, office romances end with one of the characters simply forced to change jobs, and one must be prepared for this from the first meeting. And there is no need to wince when reading the article; statistics indicate that every third person in our country has at least once been involved in an office romance.

Rules of corporate ethics in case of office romance

If you consciously choose a loving relationship instead of an exclusively friendly one, you should remember the following rules of behavior in a team:

Never advertise your special relationship with your boss or just a colleague, because many of those around you may not like such close ties with a married man, they will no longer trust you, and all your previous achievements will be attributed to your ability to deftly use office romances. Your affair may cost both of you your careers, because people without discreditable connections have always been more willingly promoted to high positions.
Realizing that your relationship has no future, discuss its end at the very beginning of the novel, how long you will be together and where your paths will diverge.
Do not show your special affection for the subject of your passion in the office, do without signs of attention that shock the public, behave evenly and calmly.
If you have sex with your boss, do not under any circumstances demonstrate familiarity and permissiveness - this fact may not mean anything to him, and if it does mean today, then tomorrow it may become an ordinary insignificant episode in life - do not put yourself in a funny position.