8 biggest fears of men in relationships ⋆

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, I’m 20, I’m a beautiful, versatile and intelligent girl, and I’ve never had a relationship with the opposite sex. And the point is not that most of my friends have already had relationships or are currently in relationships and I envy them in some sense, the point is that I myself think that I am already ready for this, but it’s not coming out. Although I think so and am clearly attracted to guys - I seem to be afraid of falling in love and all that follows from this. I meet guys - I go on dates, text them, accept compliments and communicate openly - without feeling any discomfort. I am never against intimacy (although I have never had it) - in short, this does not frighten me, especially if I see that the person is good and I trust him. In practice it is completely different. The fact is that as soon as I meet a guy, go on several dates and understand that he is interested in me, then I want to run and immediately stop communicating, avoid his SMS and calls, hide and not go anywhere. Moreover, I may even like him, and in my thoughts I have long been dreaming of a serious relationship, but as soon as he takes my hand, he cringes me. I’m pleased, but I don’t know how to react - there’s a desire to just remain silent and ignore, and then wait until the end of the meeting, come home, collapse on the sofa and dynamite it for several days until I leave. And I’m also offended by some little things that make me feel awkward, and mostly it’s some kind of stupidity. For example, he’ll make a stupid joke, but I’m ashamed. Or he will take you to some strange cafe. Or to the point that he, like a normal, excuse me, person wants to go to the toilet and offers to go to the shopping center. At this moment I was overcome with such a feeling of disgust - you might think he killed a person or did something terrible. I feel terribly bad and I can’t imagine myself next to this person - neither as a girl, nor as something more. I just walk and it’s as if I already know that I won’t go out with him anymore, although the guy is good, polite and goes out of his way to please me. Or he gives me three roses, they already become limp while we are walking, and I feel awkward. In short, I always seem to find an excuse why I shouldn’t see this guy - something new every time. I don't feel comfortable, I don't feel safe or secure. I can't completely relax like I do with my friends. There is no desire to meet, communicate, etc. - this oppresses me, especially if he begins to show tenderness - hugging, sending some hearts in messages, I will generally be like an idol. And the only thing I can’t understand is: I’m either frigid, or there’s something wrong with guys. I always don’t like something about them - either they write something illiterately, or they don’t give compliments, or they don’t lead people back and forth. Moreover, I seem to understand that he is a good person, but I can’t get this nasty thing out of my head. It’s as if someone is deliberately inciting it. I already ran away from two guys - they were cool, smart, hardworking, but I just almost cried, as I didn’t want to go out with them “not out of love” and simply refused. My mother tells me that at this rate I will remain an old maid, my friends themselves are already hinting that it’s time to find someone, and I myself am not against it. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me and how to fight this, this fear, apparently. She prevents me from entering into any relationship, although I really want to be loved, I want attention, like any girl at this age. How to feel confident and understand that you like a person, without running away from him headlong as soon as some drawback or unpleasant, non-romantic little thing appears. Should you force yourself to go on a date with someone if you don’t fully understand whether you like him or not? What if no one seems to like you? It doesn’t happen in life that so many guys have already shown attention to me, all the good and cool ones could be like friends, but I can’t allow my feelings to spill out, I can’t allow myself to let go of the situation and enjoy how everything is happening.

Psychologist Elena Alekseevna Lobova answers the question.

Hello Darja!

If you don’t like people, it means you haven’t loved yet, or at least haven’t fallen in love. When a person is in love, he does not notice any characteristics of his chosen one, and indeed characteristics, because we all have our own characteristics, it would be strange to call them shortcomings. A disadvantage is when something is missing, and if a person is separated from others in some way, then this is his peculiarity. And it is this zest that sets him apart from other people. You will love it. You still have a long way to go.

There is no need to rush even because of the fear of remaining an “old maid”, that is, with the goal “just not to remain an old maid”, now you need to waste yourself on trifles, endure the attention of those who are unpleasant?

The question is: how comfortable will you be in the status of “no longer an old maid”? How will your life change, how will your attitude towards life change? And you shouldn’t break yourself for the sake of the opinions of others. It’s as if you feel guilty and inferior because “someone has it, but you don’t,” as if getting a boyfriend is the same as buying a phone... but with people everything is much simpler if you are ready to accept them for who they are... and if you are not satisfied with something about a person right away, then over the years your dissatisfaction will turn into irritability and disgust, and regret that you gave your life to the wrong person.

and all the experiences for what? in order to please your friends and mother?

and ask your mother how she is married...? How is it to communicate with men, what should you do with them? At school we are taught anything but to build relationships with ourselves and with people.

Yes, exactly, you should first accept yourself, and then learn to interact effectively with people. You can first accept yourself, and then accept others. Only what is within ourselves resonates negatively in us and we strive to suppress it...

and don’t break yourself, but sort yourself out.

If a person loves himself, he can calmly accept and give love to others. He does not have a block to accepting love, he does not think that he is not worthy of something. He simply accepts by right of his birth.

To become interesting, you should become interesting to yourself, and then find people with similar interests and they will become interesting to you. And when you realize that there will be nothing further to talk about, why continue and look for something in the person that will be the reason for your rejection. Look for a reason to justify your hostility towards a person and you need to understand and work on the topic deeper. Don't depend on your friends' opinions. Do you think everything is cloudless with your friends? There is no need to rush, much less envy.

The one thing you won’t envy is a free housewife... there would be something to envy and get married only if it really would be better to have a husband than not to be married. Become “not an old maid” only if this new state brings you satisfaction. The main thing is your personal comfort. Everything in this life is given to us for joy. I would like men to bring you only joy into your life, and not worries...

It’s wonderful that you listen to your feelings, only one thing worries me: perhaps, once upon a time, you, unconsciously, being in a state of heightened impressionability, forbade yourself to build communication with the opposite sex. You have forbidden yourself to feel joy and satisfaction from attention, and if you have a similar problem, you need to work it out with a specialist, the same can be done in questions about how to behave with the opposite sex. If you don’t know how, you can learn it and you need to start by listening to yourself, doing what your soul tells you at a given moment in time... following the call of your heart...

Do not rush under any circumstances.

you are afraid of the consequences because the Body itself and the Soul itself tell you that you don’t need consequences with this particular person, there is no point in allowing those you don’t love to touch you... if you are simply afraid to do something, something is wrong and not correct, again you should work on your “inner censor” and you will understand that there are no rules in love.

The main thing is to love yourself and surrender to your feelings. You're too tight. You want to be loved, but you yourself are not ready to give love yet.

Perhaps you are prohibited from being happy and free in a relationship. You will learn to express your desires, and not wait for a man to guess everything...

It’s better to work everything out with a specialist.

5 Rating 5.00 (9 Votes)

Good afternoon I'm 23. I work as an economist. I'm afraid of relationships with men. I've never dated anyone. I myself have never been an initiator. There are no men among my friends. I run from men, as if I were running from a monster, I close ten doors with all sorts of locks, and I still hold the last one with all my might by the handle, just so that he doesn’t open the door. In general, there are three historically established options in my head: 1) I like the man - but I will definitely choose an unavailable one (the one who is dating/married with someone, and this is taboo for me, most recently a priest). If he is unavailable, then there is no relationship. 2) the man doesn’t like me, but he does. “There were several offers to meet, but like a arrogant gelding, I ran away from them. Thus she offended men. Even if they are very good, there is a fear of relationships. Here, a feeling of arrogance and pride prevails in me. 3) We like each other, he is free - I always come up with a reason why we can’t be together. I noticed that if I find out that he is free, my interest in him decreases. When we start communicating a little more time - we open up to each other so deeply (on a psychological level), it becomes scary that he sees all my shortcomings. In addition, I can’t just look at men, just communicate with them; from the first second of meeting them, I evaluate them as a potential husband. There is a feeling that he already owes me something and owes something. It’s just impossible to perceive someone in trousers as a friend. Possible reasons: parents' divorce, resentment towards the father, who lives separately with a new family (resentment that he abandoned us - I have forgiven him by now, but perhaps the resentment has spread to other men in the world), low and at the same time inflated self-esteem, pride. I’m scared: to trust men, I’m afraid of pain from relationships, I’m afraid of betrayal (more on my part, because there is a desire to get ahead of a man in this, so that it doesn’t hurt from his betrayal); I’m afraid to be open to a man (what if he pretends, laughs at me; meets for the sake of another tick on his list of used women; men have their own space in their heads, it’s difficult and scary to try to understand them; what if he falls in love with another, and I’ll be left with nothing and nothing with what; what if I don’t suit him as a hostess, as an interlocutor, what if he turns out to be too good for me; what if someone else likes it and I will be tied up in a relationship). I myself understand that some fears are meaningless, but I just can’t get rid of them. Thank you in advance for your help and advice. I’m ready for harsh statements from you that will help change my attitude towards men.

Answers from psychologists

Hello Tatiana,

Your ability to analyze is excellent! But personal life is not controlling, where you calculate risks so that debits and credits match in the annual report.

Your historically established options clearly indicate that you avoid relationships with men in every possible way. Who taught you that “all men are bastards”: your mother? grandmother? I don't think you guessed it yourself.

You are full of hypotheses: “What if.” Relationships between people are not mathematics. It is impossible to calculate anything. Any hypothesis must be tested empirically. Although, it is best to discard all hypotheses and simply get acquainted with this species of Homo Sapiens - a man.

Maybe for a tick on your list, maybe to love someone else, it may happen that someone will not suit you as a father of a family, as an interlocutor, as a lover... But someone will play the guitar wonderfully, cook fish soup, love your children...

I once heard wonderful advice: “turn off your brain!” FEEL IT!

Good luck to you!

Good answer 4 Bad answer 0

I run from men like I'm running from a monster

Sometimes you have to step on your fear to dispel it. Read literature about the psychology and gender differences of men - and they will become clearer to you. Make a male friend - the most harmless guy from your environment.

Take action and don’t cherish your fear!

Good answer 6 Bad answer 0

Good afternoon, Tatyana! You perfectly described the possible reasons for your misogyny, but it is very difficult to get rid of it yourself. Typically, when clients come to me for a consultation, they know what they want, but they don’t know HOW to achieve it. That is why such a profession is needed - a psychologist. Because he knows how... And the reason may not be at all where you see it...Together with a psychologist it will be much easier for you to figure it out, and, most importantly, to work through all the reasons and get rid of what is bothering you so much . Therefore, the most important thing now that you need to do is find your psychologist in your city. I say mine, meaning someone who can really help you. Good luck to you,

Many girls, already from the 5th grade, dream of relationships with the opposite sex. But there are also those who don't treat guys too well. Many people consider any relationship vulgar, stupid or vile. Many ladies openly declare that they are afraid of a relationship with a guy. It is difficult to get out of such a situation. But something needs to be done. Otherwise, you will be alone all your life. And your fear will destroy your future.

I'm afraid of relationships with guys at 14 and 15 years old

At this age, such fear is more the norm than a problem. Until recently, you yourself were a “guy”, and you didn’t care about anything other than lessons and cats. And here it is!!!

Therefore, you just need to listen to your heart. If you want to date someone, then date. If not, then it’s not worth it.

What about fear? So let him live on his own. Just don't ask him for advice.

Remember that everything in this life happens for the first time. And just because you haven't been in a relationship before doesn't mean it won't go well. Most girls start dating young men at this age. And they all remain happy.

I'm afraid of relationships at 20 and 23 years old

This is a more serious problem. After all, the more you push guys away from you, the more difficult it will be for you. As a result, there is a risk of marrying just anyone and ruining your life.

Look around. Even 13-year-olds date boys. What do you have to be afraid of as an adult woman here?

Remember that without mistakes there is no truth. Don't be afraid to sleep with or kiss someone. After all, princes don’t get caught the first time.

And don't listen to your parents. Particularly dangerous are those mothers who talk about weddings and virginity. It is because of them that old maids are born.

I'm afraid of relationships in terms of sex

“I’d love to date a guy, but I’m afraid he’ll ask to see my pussy.” You know this. This means you have a typical phobia of sexual relations.

In this case, it is worth understanding that:

If you feel the need for sex, then this is not a sin or a crime;
Your vagina is not a spaceship. It was created for sex. Don't idealize him;
Come down to Earth. You are an ordinary girl. He's an ordinary guy. Sex between you is the norm;
It doesn't hurt (like a mosquito bite). The sex would be bad. They wouldn't do it;
There will be no consequences. Don't be afraid of illnesses and pregnancies. Protect yourself and move forward.

But this does not mean that everyone should “give”. Fear of sex is only dangerous when it ruins your relationship with your loved one. In other situations, it can help.

Reasons for your fears

Before you give a celibate lunch, you might want to understand where it all comes from. You may be afraid of dating a guy because:

Mother's sad experience;
Various stupid stories;
Neurosis, stress (quite often);
Delusions of grandeur (they are all lower beings);
Super shy.

Find the root of the problem and solve it. Start with calmness and prudence. If you start thinking with your head, then all the difficulties will smooth out a little.

It's important to remember that all girls date guys. It's not bad, it's not scary, and it's not vulgar. The main thing is that everything is within the bounds of decency. Then no one will tell you anything, and you will be happy.

Often in life a situation arises when one of the partners avoids not only starting a family, but even long, strong relationships, exchanging them for fleeting meetings that do not commit to anything.

This is not always due to the fact that a person is not in love or cannot experience strong feelings.

Rather, on the contrary, overcoming themselves, they avoid or completely break off relationships that could potentially become stable and serious.

This is a manifestation of a kind of phobia, such as fear of a serious relationship. Most of these people, without realizing it, have a compelling psychological reason for their behavior.

There are many reasons for this pattern of behavior. Here are some frequently encountered ones:

Excessive demands on a partner.
Distrust of the opposite sex.
Psychological block.
Loner is a lifestyle.
Emotional immaturity.
Psychological trauma received in a previous relationship.
"Bad heredity."

If we consider each of these reasons in more detail, we can understand the cause of such disorders and find a way out of the situation.

What is it about?

Men who are closed to women and love most often do not marry of their own free will. On their own initiative, they do not want to tie the knot and find various reasons for this.

In this case, fate decides everything for him. On his way he meets a woman who sets herself the goal of marrying him. She does everything possible to achieve this, even if the man shows her obvious resistance. But she is persistent. And then it’s a matter of circumstances. She gets pregnant, then he has to marry, willy-nilly. Then the couple lives by inertia. At the same time, the husband remembers for many years the main woman of his life, that failed love that he never decided to realize.

Of course, this is an extreme case. Many men are able to overcome their fears, build normal relationships and create a happy family. But there are also those whose family life turns out to be a failure due to the fact that at one time they were unable to turn fate in the right direction.

By the way, it is a mistake to think that only men have fears about relationships. Women also have similar fears. Their psychology has changed, so nowadays many of them have a fear of love. They are afraid to fall in love, to open up to feelings, because they are afraid in advance of the destruction of relationships, they are afraid to endure the pain of parting. Therefore, they prefer to close themselves off and put on a mask of disbelief in love. They think that this way they will be more protected.

In Europe, many representatives of the fairer sex deliberately do not want to start a family or get married. They give birth to children for themselves, sometimes they date men, but they do not want to create long-term relationships. All this is a consequence of mutual disappointments...

Nobody comes near

One of the most popular reasons for fear of a serious relationship is excessive demands on a partner. As a rule, such people say something like this: “All the good ones are already taken, but I just don’t want anything” or “Everything about it is good, and I love it, but I just don’t like cats (snores, earns little) "and stuff like that.

It happens that such people break off relationships even with those they truly loved. Such specimens usually have inflated self-esteem or even narcissism. The more years pass, the more likely it is that the other half will never be found.

Because at the age of twenty, young people experience a feeling of falling in love, thanks to which a lot is forgiven and their eyes are closed to a lot. But over the years, we stop experiencing such vivid feelings, and rather choose a partner based on the compatibility of our views on life, common hobbies or aspirations.

Causes

Philophobia is a fear of intimacy caused by a violation of social adaptation. A person is instinctively drawn to creating a family and procreation. Without much effort, men and women enter into personal relationships, fall in love and are legally married. For sensitive people (overly receptive and sensitive), such a union is scary.

In most cases, the problem has two causes: an incorrect family model that the child observed in childhood, or past trauma (past relationships). The definition of philophobia includes any fear due to possible relationships with the opposite sex.

Fear in women

In women, fear of close relationships occurs with pronounced symptoms. The victim of fear withdraws into himself, expresses disgust and disgust towards men. Reasons for alienation of women:

Violence experienced in childhood. A child growing up in unfavorable conditions suffers from an incorrect relationship model. A girl may fall in love as a teenager, but is unable to trust her partner. A mature woman who grew up in a dysfunctional family cannot love sincerely and fully.
Unpleasant experience. For women, experiencing failure is a serious trauma. Falling in love again, after disappointments and betrayals, is difficult for the victim of a phobia. She is afraid of the situation repeating itself, and a negative association takes root in her thinking.
Hidden fears and accompanying phobias. Fear of strong relationships arises against the background of social anxiety or fear of kissing. People who avoid physical contact deliberately refuse to meet and date. It is not difficult for them to fall in love, but they cannot maintain a long-term relationship.
Low self-esteem. Fear of intimacy manifests itself in people with low demands on their partner. The woman does not position herself as a partner worthy of respect. The relationships created are quickly destroyed due to fear.

Fear of intimacy is a painful phobia for women. The nature of a woman as a wife and mother, without proper implementation, harms all areas of life. Guided by fear, a woman rushes into a career or volunteer life, but the efforts do not bring happiness.

Complexes affect objective perception and self-esteem. If a girl is not taught to love herself from childhood, she cannot love her partner in adulthood.

Phobia in men

With men, things are different: the stronger sex is not used to showing weaknesses (they manage to hide their fears well). Causes of phobia of the stronger sex:

Great expectations. From early childhood, special educational measures are carried out with men: they are taught responsibility for their career and future family. In adult life, excessive demands result in an unwillingness to take responsibility.
Problems in intimate life. Male intimate problems become the cause of philophobia. A man who has not succeeded as a lover in the past will not build a relationship.
Problems of the material plane. Men's priorities begin with financial stability - the partner is a protector and provider. Men who cannot provide for themselves do not want to build relationships with worthy women, so any material difficulties cause philophobia.
Addiction. Singles find it difficult to give up a lifestyle that brings many pleasures.

You can overcome a phobia only by fighting the root cause of fear. If a man is concerned about his financial situation and stability, he needs to share his experiences with his partner.

It is more difficult to deal with avid bachelors. They like their lifestyle; freedom is a natural and relaxed state.

Fear of new relationships

Fear of new relationships is based on fear of the unknown. Starting a relationship is scary for both men and women. New responsibilities are difficult for sensitive individuals to cope with. Before deciding to get married, such people will try to run away several times.

It is difficult for women who have experienced betrayal to open up to the opposite sex. The comfort zone is a good defense that eliminates pain.

Careerists have problems with new relationships; they perceive the union as a threat and an obstacle. Before a new relationship, people who are not confident in themselves experience panic; they are afraid of disappointing their partner and are in a constant state of stress.

Fear of serious relationships

You don’t need any special reasons to be afraid of a serious relationship. Fear of a serious relationship is avoidance of responsibilities for which partners are not ready. The psychology of men as conquerors creates a fear of intimacy with one woman (the novelty disappears).

Meeting your parents and planning a wedding can cause panic. A person cannot control himself: fear of relationships pushes him to irrational actions (attempts to cancel the wedding, running away). For a serious relationship you need two established personalities.

Fear of intimate relationships

Fear of intimacy is called intimate phobia. Disorders of this type include phobias of intimate life, fear of touching and kissing (philemaphobia). Intimacy is a violation of personal space, a desecration of the body. Aversion to sexual life arises after a long upbringing in religious families.

To enter into a close relationship, a partner has to make efforts on himself. This behavior is typical for victims of violence (after intimacy, a person feels his own inferiority, he feels worthy of punishment).

Feeling of mistrust

People who experience a deep sense of mistrust of the opposite sex have difficulty getting along with their partner and cannot open up completely, which in no way helps them build a serious relationship with their partner.

This may be due to one or more past disappointments. Heartbreak or even incidents of violence. As a result, a person passionately wants love and relationships, but cannot start a family due to a psychological barrier and fear of abandonment. As a rule, in such situations one cannot do without the help of a psychologist.

Manifestations of fears

Our fears manifest themselves in different ways. But, as a rule, their manifestations are quite predictable. These are problematic relationship scenarios that repeat in a woman’s life.

For example: - a woman does not have any more or less serious relationships with men; - a woman meets with “inappropriate” men with whom long-term relationships are impossible (married partners, Don Juans by nature) and who do not pose a threat to the defenses of the female psyche (that is, relationships are short-term and shallow); - if a woman has nevertheless built an alliance with a partner, then she increasingly experiences irritation, she wants to be alone, and her distrust of the man gradually increases.

All of these scenarios can be attributed to the “diagnosis” of “Internal Fear of Relationships.” This is the inability to build harmonious long-term connections, to go into the depth of relationships.

Psychological block

It is often said about such people that they do not love anyone. This is partly true. Even at the slightest hint of an emerging feeling, they stubbornly extinguish it within themselves, and if this fails, then they stop communicating with such a person. The reason for this behavior could be unrequited love or an example of a bad relationship.

Let’s say, if a couple you know or in a family, the parents didn’t get along well with each other, but at the same time they loved each other. Then a clear attitude arises that love only brings suffering, and therefore this should not be allowed.

These cute and... terrible children

Few adults will like children's hysteria with screams and squeals or whining and stickiness. It is unpleasant, it may even seem disgusting. And almost no one will feel pity for this screaming “lump”; rarely will anyone be able to feel his inner pain.

It’s true - it’s much easier and simpler for us to deal with a happy, sweetly babbling, smiling baby. Calm, funny. Parents can happily play with a cheerful, affectionate child, but immediately pull away from him when he begins to scream and be capricious. Adults no longer remember how children show their pain - but they do this using the means of expression available to them (the same hysterics, for example). A crying baby will be shamed, reprimanded, punished, told about how ugly he behaves... and how embarrassed we are for his behavior in front of others. Yes, it's awkward. It’s awkward for ourselves - the weak, broken, desperate... It’s awkward for that part of the soul that is capricious, whining and demands attention - for its inner child, trying to reach our consciousness in order to tell us, so grown-up and important, about its suffering. As soon as we encounter this internal lump of pain, we shy away from it, without even trying to hear and understand. On the contrary, we push him deeper and deeper into the dark well of the unconscious, leaving him alone with his bitter experiences, feelings of loneliness and rejection. But is it possible to cut off part of your soul forever? This emptiness cannot be filled with anything external. But we strive for this: in another person, a partner, we are looking for the missing love and unconditional understanding, true sympathy and complete acceptance... although we ourselves have long lost these valuable abilities of the soul. We want someone to comfort our crying inner child. But at the same time, we don’t really believe that he can be accepted and reassured, that he can be loved - because we ourselves have turned away from him, with contempt and disgust. How to find a way out of this vicious circle of suffering and unbelief? How to neutralize your deepest fears?

Emotional immaturity

The concept “hasn’t worked up yet (hasn’t worked up)” has firmly settled in the life of such a person. The problem is that this kind of thinking is difficult to overcome, but usually these are the problems that are easiest to solve than others. After all, they are rarely based on serious psychological problems. It is rather a habit of leading a free lifestyle, imaginary independence from a partner.

But the main thing is that the habit of living alone does not develop into a denial of relationships. People of this type usually either meet a partner for whom they easily give up their freedom, or when there are no “free” friends left, out of inertia they begin to strive to create their own family in order to keep up with those around them.

What are we afraid of?

We are very afraid to see the reaction of disgust, disgust, contempt and disregard for our weaknesses on the part of others.

Therefore, we do our best to hide from the world and people the embodiment of our deepest suffering, vulnerability and pain - our childish part of the soul. Its manifestations are perceived by us as a catastrophe - as a shameful exposure of our defenseless vulnerability to others. And therefore we are afraid of close relationships, because intimacy implies revealing ourselves, including those manifestations of which we are ashamed, which do not fit into the images of an ideal woman, man, husband, wife, friend, created by society. We hide our aggressiveness, the need for love and support, pain and fears in the far corners of the psyche. It often happens that the openly declared inner child of one partner causes rejection and fear in the other - few are ready to meet someone else’s and their own vulnerability. And after experiencing such a reaction to his weaknesses, a person completely closes down, convinced that he cannot show his defenselessness, his nature. And women drive their unfortunate spiritual child into the farthest recesses of the psyche. And by the way, if a single mother believes that no one will accept her children, it means that in her depths she cannot accept either her child or the childish part of her soul.

Psychological trauma from past relationships

What kind of trauma must there be in a previous relationship in order to be afraid of creating new ones? This may be the lack of a long-term relationship, when a person strives for this, but does not meet anyone who wants to build a family.

A series of constant first dates and the inability of them to develop into something serious can once and for all dissuade a person from creating strong, trusting relationships. Other possible reasons could be: betrayal, violence or death of a partner. These are serious problems that a professional should help a person cope with.

"Bad Heredity"

A person who has seen violence and assault in the family since childhood, constant scandals, swearing and tears, is unlikely to be happy at the mere thought of marriage and starting a family.

Another possible reason is the dominance of parents, when even as an adult, a person is afraid of upsetting or angering his parents with his choice. The favorite phrase of such people is: “A good deed is not called marriage.” Few people from this category of citizens voluntarily create a prosperous family.

But whatever the reason for the fear of a serious relationship, you still need to understand these reasons and it is better to seek help from a professional psychologist.

Relationship anxiety is one of the psychological problems associated with establishing trust and attachment. Man is designed in such a way that he simply cannot be happy alone. We all need to feel needed and wanted. Success with the opposite sex gives us a sense of self-confidence, satisfaction and joy. A new relationship is always an opportunity to look at yourself from a different perspective. However, not all people readily accept new relationships. Most often they are driven by the fear of losing everything.

Symptoms of a phobia

The fear of a relationship with a man or woman is expressed in the partner’s behavior: he panics, his hands begin to tremble, and his sweating increases. After intimacy, the victim of a phobia may become severely depressed. A complex person has dozens of reasons for breaking up with the opposite sex. Victims easily justify the reason for loneliness.

Signs that there is a psychological problem:

aloofness and aggressiveness;
self-isolation;
high requirements for a potential partner;
apathy and frequent depression;
increased anxiety in the presence of the opposite sex.

The problem with the opposite sex intensifies over time: a clear idea of the painfulness of relationships is formed in the subconscious, which is difficult to change without the help of a psychoanalyst.

The problem affects the self-perception of the individual. Over time, a person begins to blame himself for his inability to start a union. Complexes strengthen the phobia.

Fear of relationships with men

Fear of relationships manifests itself in people of both sexes. However, women tend to dramatize the current situation more. It is for this reason that they so often have a fear of close relationships with men. Serious relationships cannot be built without trust, without the ability to forget your doubts. Any new relationship plunges such representatives of the fair sex into despondency and depression. What causes relationship fear? Does a serious relationship need some work on yourself?

Fear of repeating the experience

Fear of relationships with men often grows out of negative experiences. If in the past a woman has constantly faced disappointment, then she will look into the future with caution. No one wants to experience the negative echoes of the past again and again. Deception, betrayal - this is what every person strives to avoid at all costs. No serious relationship is possible without overcoming painful situations and working through disturbing moments. The fear of repeating an existing experience with men gives rise to additional fear and can subsequently create serious problems. The fear is often so strong that it does not allow you to take even timid steps towards what you want.

Fear of losing yourself

Any serious relationship implies that people need to learn to take responsibility not only for themselves, but also for their significant other. A new relationship always carries the risk that you will have to dissolve in your partner. Most people cannot remain indifferent to the needs of a loved one. Complications may arise at this stage. There is an additional fear of losing oneself, of being deprived of individual space.

Women who value personal freedom above all else are not very willing to enter into relationships with men precisely because they experience a colossal fear of losing control of the situation.

Fear of disappointment

Which of us doesn't make mistakes in life? Relationship fear often manifests itself as a fear of serious disappointment. Many women have negative experiences of disappointment when they had to overcome themselves and suppress a tender feeling of affection. It is the presence of this fear that subsequently prevents us from building harmonious new relationships. Obsessive fear develops after just one or two disappointments, and defeating it is not as easy as it seems at first glance. Serious obstacles to happiness can arise when fear grows to impressive proportions.

Fear of responsibility

Often the formation of new relationships is hampered by the fear of taking responsibility for someone else's fate and well-being. People get so used to living in their own separate world that they do not want to once again bind themselves to any obligations. After all, it is much easier to live only for yourself, in accordance with personal needs and requirements. Fear of responsibility greatly interferes with the establishment of normal harmonious relationships and creates serious difficulties on the path to happiness.

Fear of Rejection

Most often, a woman's fear of being rejected prevents her from having a serious relationship. Unfortunately, unrequited feelings tend to exist and happen with a certain frequency. Such experience often becomes the reason for the creation of psychological barriers. Many people stop trusting life and see any serious relationship as a reason to be wary. A situation where unhappy love is repeated over and over again, and there is no hope for improvement, should be a reason to think about it. Fear of rejection is a serious reason that prevents you from building sincere and lasting relationships.

conclusions

The origins of fears in relationships First of all, these are relationships in the family - the experience of love and intimacy gained by the child in interactions with mom and dad. If there was a lot of negativity in them, then in the future the person will be afraid to build close connections so that the suffering they once experienced will not be repeated. The child is spontaneous in his desires, in his desire to completely possess those on whom he depends and whom he loves. And when something doesn’t work out in satisfying this need, he feels pain. This is how fear of close relationships appears - due to fear of suffering. Another manifestation of fear of relationships is associated with a feeling of shame, with the expectation of condemnation - also unpleasant experiences for many. This type of fear is formed due to the failure to meet parental expectations, when mom and dad, while raising a child, tried to “fit” him into their ideal image of a daughter or son, most often unconsciously. That is, parents accepted and even praised some manifestations of their child, while the other part of him - the shadow part, which does not fit into the ideal - was criticized and rejected. Later in close and long-term relationships, when you open up more and more, you may have a fear that your “bad” part will become visible to your partner and he will judge you and stop liking you.

How to overcome relationship fear

Any phobias need to be worked on. Only then will they cease to have a significant impact on our lives. How to overcome fear of personal relationships? Let's try to figure it out!

Admitting your imperfections

None of us are perfect. Every person has their own specific circumstances that weigh on them from time to time. It makes absolutely no sense to blame yourself for all the troubles that have happened. No matter how much you try to change the past, it will remain unchanged. When thinking about how to overcome the fear of a serious relationship, you should not forget about your own inner strength. Admitting your imperfections will help you overcome your fear of new relationships. Just accept the fact that you are a person who strives for happiness, but you don't need to blame yourself for every mistake. When we accept ourselves, it becomes easier to build a relationship with a loved one. By giving up judgment and indignation, we begin to appreciate ourselves and our significant other.

Willingness to work on relationships

Finally, take full responsibility for everything that happens in your life! There is nothing worse than constantly living with memories of the past, because it cannot be changed. Only the present moment can be adjusted. Only today contains a truly unique opportunity for self-change. If you have someone you really care about, consider interacting with them as a task that needs to be completed over a certain amount of time. Willingness to work on relationships is expressed in the formation of tolerance, sensitivity, and responsiveness.

Real feelings are always sincere, there is no place for deception and falsehood.

Take action

Only action can change your life for the better. There is no point in reveling in your negative experience, no matter how significant and unique it may seem. This behavior will not lead to anything good. Determine your advantages, start acting from scratch. Allow yourself to be mistaken and make mistakes. The main thing is, don’t give up and don’t demand the impossible from yourself. You don’t need to immediately become attached to the person with whom fate brings you together. If you give yourself the necessary time, you will be able to understand whether your destiny is truly in front of you or not.

Thus, fear serves as a serious obstacle to creating sincere and harmonious relationships. Only fruitful work on yourself will eliminate the syndrome of a repetitive situation and help you get closer to creating true happiness.

Fear of love: how to cope with philophobia?

Love is one of the most mysterious and contradictory feelings. It gives a person strength and at the same time makes him vulnerable and vulnerable. Gives a feeling of happiness and euphoria. But if the lover is not reciprocated, everything ends in terrible depression and suffering. Most men and women devote their entire lives to finding love and a soul mate, when some people deny this feeling and are afraid of it.

A person who has philophobia (this is what psychology calls fear of close relationships) does not necessarily have to look gloomy and unhappy.

Neither people really prefer to be alone with their thoughts and devote themselves entirely to work. Others love company, friendly meetings and entertainment. Fear of relationships turns some women into nymphomaniacs, and men into womanizers who always take the initiative, constantly look for new experiences and change sexual partners without regret. Sometimes people with a phobia refuse sexual relations so that animal instincts do not prevent them from conquering the peaks.

An ordinary person cannot diagnose a fear of relationships. Some philophobes try to become invisible to the opposite sex by being overweight and unkempt, while other people take pleasure in taking care of their own bodies, taking care of their appearance and spending money on beautiful clothes. Often people who are afraid of falling in love abandon their family and children, or vice versa, get married and turn into exemplary fathers and mothers.

Philophobes choose different paths and behavior patterns, but they are all united by the inability to trust the opposite sex. They will never blindly fulfill their partner’s requests and will dissolve in their other half, making their husband or wife the center of their universe. For some, fear of close relationships is a gift that makes them invulnerable and strong, but for others, such a disorder becomes a punishment that prevents them from being happy.

Young children who grew up in an atmosphere of constant scandals eventually cease to believe in a happy family life.

From a psychological point of view, their fear of intimate relationships is a defensive reaction of the subconscious, which does not want history to repeat itself.
The situation gets worse if the father raised his hand against the mother, or one of the parents cheated on their other half. Tears, suffering and other negative emotions are deposited in a child’s head, which are projected onto a potential partner in mature boys and girls. This is how a reluctance to take initiative in relationships, male and female love fears are formed, which are much more difficult to overcome than to acquire.
The philophobe believes that he will have the same disappointment and future as his parents, so he prefers loneliness. Girls from happy and friendly families tend to romanticize the image of their father, while boys idealize their mother. Later, they begin to look for partners similar to their parents, and when they do not meet them, they are disappointed. Men's failures in sexual relationships with women and girls' problems with boys gradually form a fear of love and relationships in general. Some lower the bar and put up with the shortcomings of their other half, just so as not to be left without a partner, while others try to raise their wife or husband so that he begins to live up to the ideal image.

Fear of relationships, especially sexual ones, is also diagnosed in people with low self-esteem. For example, if parents and others constantly devalued all male achievements, criticized and treated him with disdain, then gradually the guy comes to the conclusion that he is not good enough to create a strong relationship with a girl.

The reason that a person is afraid to take initiative in a relationship may be male and female complexes and fears that appear after a negative experience, for example, a difficult divorce, sexual failure, violence. Women who have experienced sexual violence are afraid of sexual relationships, because for them all masculine qualities come down to aggression and meanness. Men who have become victims of pedophiles or homosexuals are afraid to take the initiative and get close to the girl, expecting misunderstanding and condemnation on her part. The inability to get rid of negative feelings after such a sad experience often becomes the cause of male sexual dysfunction, which only makes the situation worse. In such situations, the fear of love can be combined with the desire to start a family, which makes a person suffer even more.

Fear of the opposite sex also appears after an unsuccessful relationship or divorce. After betrayal, deception, infidelity and pain caused, it is difficult for a person to trust someone a second time. If women, after a difficult breakup or divorce, try to avoid men altogether, then divorce can affect men in a completely different way; they can turn into ladies' men and heartthrobs. After a divorce, they project their pain and mistrust onto other women, try to take revenge on their former lover with their help, become cold, distant, and prefer open and short-term relationships to serious relationships.

For some, as a result of divorce, the fear of a serious relationship appears due to the fear that new feelings will awaken subsided pain and hatred. For others, philophobia becomes armor that makes them invulnerable and strong. Once upon a time, his lofty feelings were mocked and laughed at, and now no one dares to lay claim to his heart and thoughts.

Kissing is one of the ways to demonstrate love and receive emotional pleasure. Ordinary people do not see anything unpleasant or terrible in such actions. They are happy to take the initiative in love and desire to enjoy kisses. But there are special people who are afraid to kiss. This is precisely the reason for their loneliness. A phobia can be triggered by:

fear of getting pleasure or losing control over one's own actions;
fear of germs that live in another person’s mouth;
reluctance to let someone get too close;
a feeling of tightness and constraint when someone takes the initiative and tries to penetrate the comfort zone.

To prevent the fear of kisses from developing into a panicky fear of a new relationship, you need to visit a psychotherapist and work with him to overcome this problem.

For some, a phobia of love is a consequence not of divorce, but of the loss of a wife, husband, or one of their parents. At first the man was incredibly happy, and then death deprived him of joy, forcing him to suffer. After such shocks, thoughts may arise that you will definitely have to pay for love, so it is better to remain alone. Such events often cause depression, which is impossible to get rid of on your own.

Philophobia also occurs in infantile people who do not want to take responsibility for their partner’s life. Guys find men's obligations to their significant other and the need to show care and spend material and moral resources on a woman frightening.

There are times when an adult is simply not ready at a certain stage of his life to take the initiative and start a family or at least a permanent partner. This does not mean that he has a phobia of love and sexual relationships.

Philophobia is characterized by a range of symptoms: constant irritability, short temper and nervousness, insomnia or other sleep problems, combined with bad mood and fear of losing freedom. Proven methods of psychology and psychotherapy will help overcome such symptoms, as well as male and female fears of sexual contact.

Therefore, if at some stage of life, for example, after a divorce or breakup, you notice similar symptoms in combination with the fear of starting a new relationship, it is better to immediately consult a specialist. A person suffering from a love disorder talks about wanting to start a family, but prefers to limit himself to light flirting and short sexual contacts without commitment. He suddenly stops taking care of himself or, on the contrary, buys a gym membership and goes on a diet to get rid of figure flaws.

If a philophobe realizes that he has a fear of love, but he does not want to change habits and give up freedom, then the person needs treatment. Patients with psychologically related childhood trauma should see a therapist, as should survivors of abuse. Negative memories and emotions must first be spoken out, and then gradually get rid of this burden.

It is useful for people with low self-esteem to pay attention to themselves and constantly develop: read books, study languages, sign up for dancing, or find another hobby that will make them feel important. You can overcome the negative psychological consequences of divorce, fear of love and kisses in group or individual classes.

In severe cases, sedatives, antidepressants or tranquilizers will help. Only a specialist can prescribe pharmacological treatment, who must determine the person’s condition and how much the fear of relationships interferes with normal life.

You can achieve good results with the help of auto-training, which will teach you to look at others and your problems with optimism, to love and value yourself. Sometimes, to overcome the subconscious fear of love, it is enough to meet new people, move or find another job to improve your emotional state and become more open. A problem such as philophobia can be treated well, but only if a person himself wants to get rid of it and is ready to open his heart to his soulmate.