What to do if your husband drinks: how a wife should behave in this situation

Often, girlfriends and wives of alcoholics come to our site. If a husband drinks, wives often live on a spectrum of worries from “how to help my husband” to “should I leave or not.” If you have an alcoholic husband and such experiences are close to your heart, you should read this section. The problem of living with an alcoholic husband may reveal itself to you from a completely unexpected angle.

This section is based on an excellent book by a major expert in this field, a psychotherapist, “Addiction: A Family Disease.”

Healing from alcoholism: what is impossible for a person...

I decided that I definitely need to write you our story about alcoholism, since this particular topic on your site differs from all others in its hopelessness. If in other matters you offer some kind of successful way out of the situation, then regarding alcoholism you have one proposal: divorce to save yourself and your children. It turns out that saving your family is not even considered. I agree with your psychologists that you cannot correct a person by force, you cannot force your husband to stop drinking, but still...

Hello. My situation is probably trivial, but I can’t get out of it. My husband and I have been living together for 9 years. I have a 7 year old daughter. We lived well for half a year after the wedding, and then it started... He started drinking, then the first woman appeared, he kicked us out with our one-year-old child, she went to a rented apartment (she didn’t have her own place and had nowhere else to go), after three months she began to fall down and ask to come back and forgive…. I forgave, but a year later everything happened again, only this time with a beating. Officially, we are divorced, but we live together, as you understand, because... I don’t have my own home, the child was diagnosed 2 years ago with a serious illness that requires constant expensive treatment. We live as before - he drinks and goes out, I take care of the house and the child. Recently I discovered his correspondence on the Internet with girls of easy virtue...Ie. he’s just not satisfied with his mistresses anymore... I tried to talk to him, but to no avail, he begins to fall into “frenzy”... conversations lead to nothing except the next scandals... I began to drink even more heavily, almost every day, there were more reproaches for my side... Help me understand what to do... how to behave... there is no more love, and nowhere to go.

Hello Olga! Contact a psychologist, work with yourself and get out of these codependent relationships. While you are focused on your husband, you do not see your resources, and therefore no way out of this situation.

Bondareva Svetlana Pavlovna, psychologist Almaty

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Hello Olga! Obviously, this situation cannot continue for long. By the way, the appearance of girls of easy virtue, different ones, speaks of big problems for the husband in terms of addiction to sex, and this is a more serious problem than just one mistress. I would like to say right away that my husband’s behavior is unlikely to change, at least in the near future, since alcohol addiction coupled with sexual addiction does not just go away and is difficult to treat. The husband’s attacks of “rabies” indicate his descent into psychosis and this is a serious sign of the degradation of his psyche. Simply put, he may need psychiatric help. The best solution for him and for you would be treatment in a specialized clinic or at least in a drug center. It's not a panacea, but at least there may be some break in his drinking and some temporary clarity in his head. Today, there is no treatment other than coding, and you need to find a good doctor. And only when remission occurs, you can work with a psychologist. You yourself need the help of a psychologist, since you live in a state of chronic stress, especially since you have a sick child. You must understand that your husband is a sick person, he copes with stress in such an unhealthy way. And this behavior is caused by alcohol. This is what is called alcoholic behavior. In this situation, you need to take care of yourself. If you don’t love him and are not ready to “pull” him, then you should take steps to separate from him and live independently; you may need to sell the apartment or exchange it for two. Contact the city social services, perhaps they will help you, since you have a sick child in your arms. Don't give up, start taking steps to improve your life. Good luck to you!

Kaydarova Asel Abdu-Alievna, psychologist Almaty

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Women may encounter a situation where the husband does not know how to drink, and because of this, problems begin in the family. Because of alcohol, a husband may not only fail to fulfill his duties, but also insult his wife. Because of this behavior, more than one couple divorced, and in some cases it was possible to save the family. It is enough to know how to behave correctly if your husband is on a drinking binge and behaves inappropriately.

The essence of the problem

Unfortunately, now women are often faced with the fact that their husband drinks and does not spend the night at home. Of course, such behavior cannot be considered normal, and the wife has to constantly be nervous if a loved one drinks alcohol all day long. Because if he’s gone for the whole night and doesn’t make himself known, then thoughts arise about whether everything is okay with him, because he’s drunk.

An alcoholic in a family can behave differently: some are able to control themselves, even going on a binge, while others drive their spouse to divorce. But in any case, a drunkard brings grief to his loved ones, because taking ethanol is harmful, and gradually the person kills himself.

It is much worse if the husband drinks and begins to humiliate the woman, and this happens regularly. Often because of this, the wife leaves, because she is not ready to tolerate someone who drinks and is aggressive at the same time. But there are also spouses who are devoted to a man, love him and therefore tolerate drunken antics. It is especially difficult for them, because it is impossible to endure a husband calling him names and still remain happy.

It is important to know what to do if your husband drinks and abuses you. Because if you take certain measures, then there is a chance to restore normal relationships and save the family.

My husband is constantly unhappy with me

You can other psychologists

Hello, Varvara! let's look at what's going on:

Lately, he’s not just muttering, but trying to prove something in a raised voice. He started yelling at his daughter, maybe calling her a pig, clueless, etc., and all this in a raised voice, almost with aggression. And I’m a bad cook. and I don’t clean, and the house is a mess, and I have many other shortcomings - and everything is rude.

he used to be like this, you got used to it and thereby showed that you were ready to accept and endure all this! but - with age, personality traits become even stronger - and as a result, what is in a person comes out more and more! and now you see it! his disposition, character, everything comes out - his attitude towards you, for him ALL THIS IS NORMAL! his attitude towards you has not changed at all, the strength of his habits is changing! and it will continue to do so!

Lately he hasn’t been drinking at all - he used to drink beer almost every day, but at home, before dinner, 2-3 bottles, but then something happened and he became allergic to it - he might turn red, start coughing, and start having diarrhea

He stopped drinking altogether a long time ago, so it’s impossible to blame it all on alcohol.

Regular drinking of beer is ALSO alcoholism, irreversible personality changes occur, its deformation - and THIS IS IRREVERSIBLE - the effect of alcohol on the brain! and the point is to REFUSE alcohol - alcohol used to smooth it out, but now there is no such buffer - the personality is aggravated.

And it's worth getting your liver checked. Such a reaction of the body to alcohol does not bring anything good!

He can be very aggressive - of course he doesn’t let go of his hands, but sometimes he can hit steel, steel, a car, break something, break something, throw it. I don’t even know what to do in such cases.

This is also aggression! and this means that this potential aggression CAN turn into its real manifestation!

If he insults

Having gone on a binge, for a week or a month, a person’s behavior becomes less and less adequate every day. And the more he drinks, the more problems he causes. Some become aggressive and cannot control their emotions, which are much more pronounced when drunk.

Because of this, the drinking husband begins to humiliate his wife, calls her names and tries in every possible way to bring her to tears. If something like this happened once, then you need to try to forget about what happened. It’s good if the spouse admitted his guilt and apologized, promising not to repeat this. Perhaps he will keep his word and won’t have to part with him.

However, if a person drank almost every day and regularly insulted, then any patience will not be enough. The easiest thing would be to file for divorce so that you don’t have to endure humiliation and suffer because of it. But the situation becomes more complicated if there is a common child or several children. Then the woman has reasons to want to save the family and return love. You should remember that if your husband swears, you nag him in response, then nothing good will come of it. A wise woman knows that aggression will not achieve the desired result.

What to do:

• Do not be rude in response, do not call names or try to humiliate.
• Do not interrupt, do not leave, listen with a calm expression on your face.
• Do not use force, as even a slap in the face can provoke a man to commit violent acts.
• Try not to shout, you can raise your voice a little if necessary.
• There is no point in explaining anything in a fit of anger. You need to wait until your husband cools down and only then try to talk to him.

However, if such behavior does not help, and you only managed to achieve a break between drinking sessions, then you should think about whether you need to live with such a person.

It may be time to walk away and stop fighting for the relationship.

Family relationships as a cause of wife's dissatisfaction

As mentioned above, both husband and wife need to work on family relationships.

If for a long time family communication is built on mutual reproaches, then both spouses will have to work hard to restore peace.

An open, calm conversation will help, during which everyone will express what exactly they are dissatisfied with in the relationship. And then together find ways to satisfy the needs of both husband and wife.

Usually spouses lack sincere attention and care. What is needed is not routine conversations about how the day went, but interest in each other’s hobbies.

Restructuring the style of communication in the family will require a lot of work on each spouse.

A woman struggling with dissatisfaction with her husband should start a diary. In it, she should write down five words of gratitude to her husband per day.

The husband should do the same, at least mentally at the end of the day, highlight five moments for which he should thank his wife.

But of course, it is necessary to voice these gratitudes (at least partly) to each other.

Spending more time together, spouses will be able to establish trusting communication. It’s worth choosing one or two evenings a week to walk together, go to the cinema or theater, or at least discuss something interesting.

All this will allow the woman to feel the care and attention of her husband and to feel desired again. And such positive emotions are unlikely to leave room for dissatisfaction.

Reproaches and complaints are a common problem for many married couples. This behavior usually begins when one of the partners feels unwanted, and also when this is the only way to get something they want. If your wife is constantly unhappy with something, don't be upset. There are several ways to deal with this problem. During stressful times, try to remain calm and respect your wife. If possible, try to take your mind off the situation. However, such problems still need to be solved. Therefore, make the necessary changes in your life to create happier, more harmonious relationships.

If he cheats

It is not uncommon for a husband to go out after drinking a large dose of alcohol. You can suspect cheating if the spouse did not spend the night at home for one or several days, and also began to consistently stay late at work or not come to his wife at all. Of course, you shouldn’t immediately conclude that he has another girlfriend, because he can only spend time with friends. However, if it seems that he has started to take a walk, then it is worth looking for evidence.

But first you need to decide for yourself whether you want to know the truth or whether it will be easier to pretend that nothing happened. Because if it really turns out that he cheated once or is often unfaithful, then the relationship will not be the same.

How to behave:

• Try to understand what prompted him to cheat. Perhaps the wife became cold, feelings faded, relationships deteriorated due to scandals. However, you should not get carried away by justifying your husband, because cheating for any reason is an unworthy act.
• Don't throw a tantrum, don't cry or beg. Even if he stays with you out of pity, this will not make the couple happy. If he fell in love with another, then you shouldn’t keep him.
• When filing for divorce, you don’t need to change your mind because of persuasion and gifts. Remember that if you cheated once, you will betray you a second time. If you are not ready to put up with this, then there is no point in staying in a relationship with an unfaithful person.
• If you decide to forgive, then never remember what happened and do not reproach.
• Make a requirement that he undergo treatment for alcohol addiction if he wants to stay at home.

In general, we can say that a wandering husband should not be tolerated, unless the woman herself is prone to cheating. Because unfaithful men rarely correct themselves; at best, they pretend to be good for a while.

Content

• Are you all right
• Alcohol
• Another woman
• The real reason

Hello, dear readers! “Each day is not much better than the previous one. It is much easier when the husband is at work. You look forward to the evening with some trepidation. Oh, it's better not to come home at all. How much longer will I endure all this? - this is exactly what a third of women on the planet think. The situation is not that uncommon.

When asked why a husband insults and humiliates his wife, psychology gives many disappointing answers, but you need to understand them. Since, I am sure that 99.9% of women have ever encountered this phenomenon. Many of them did not always come out of the situation with their heads held high and the door closed behind them.

Fighting addiction

When the problem is alcoholism, then it is important to overcome this disease in order to improve relationships. It will not be enough to say “don’t drink”; you will need to take certain measures.

A woman needs to be prepared to go through a difficult path, because the fight against addiction is difficult for everyone.

You can try to overcome cravings for alcohol at home. To do this, you first need to decompose the substances. A person should not even allow himself to drink sometimes, so as not to relapse. You need to improve your diet and use vitamins to normalize the functioning of your body.

Folk remedies can be used as a supplement, but not as the main method of treatment. Because healing decoctions can support the functioning of organs, but are not effective enough to combat addiction. Therefore, you should use medications if you want to achieve a positive result.

As a last resort, you will need to go to a clinic where you can fight your cravings for alcohol. Specialists will help a person recognize the presence of a problem, and also set them up to resist addiction. The clinic puts in IVs and prescribes medications that can help. Doctors closely monitor a person’s condition, and they will really help overcome alcoholism.

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Drinking people resist treatment, if the husband is a complete alcoholic or has just started drinking every day, most often the worries of saving him fall on the shoulders of the wife. And she has to wonder what to do if her husband drinks heavily, and the addiction is fully formed, and she has the misfortune of living with an alcoholic. In Russia, problems with drunkenness occur in every second family. Living with a man who has started drinking requires special skills that a woman, willy-nilly, has to master.

The husband started drinking every day, and vodka becomes the center of the house, and the household is forced to relate every step to this fact. The character of the woman changes and the children suffer. The wife needs to pull herself together and convince her husband to admit that he is an alcoholic and convince him to get treatment.

Self-esteem comes first

It is very important to maintain self-esteem. Repeat all the advantages constantly: “I am patient, beautiful, slim.” Such reminders will help preserve dignity, self-esteem, and help fight the eternal discontent of the spouse. And if he says otherwise, take it as his own dissatisfaction, which he is trying to shift onto you.

Learn to turn all reproaches into jokes. Humor has always come to the rescue more than once and in many situations, preventing resentment and complexes from arising. Deflect every attack in your direction with a joke. Let him feel funny for the absurdity of the claims.

For example, when grumbling about the mess in the house, answer that you are not a royal maid; you don’t have time to clean the royal chambers yourself. And it’s not a royal thing to constantly clean. If the king wants to help the queen, there is a broom or mop.

Surely such jokes will be appropriate, you will laugh together and reach a compromise. The husband will understand that instead of dissatisfaction, you can correct the situation independently or mutually. Do not be angry. If an apology has been achieved, this is great progress. But don't get drunk on victory. Just let it go.

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Essence of an Alcoholic

A second “I” is formed in a man who starts drinking, which has terrible destructive power. People often go on a binge after coding, and with each new breakdown, the drunken essence of a person becomes stronger and more aggressive. A woman faces in her family two diametrically opposed personalities of her husband. The wife takes it upon herself to bring her husband to his senses; she needs to declare prohibition in the house and eliminate alcohol from use even on common or family holidays. For an alcoholic, the only alternative is absolute sobriety.

You better drink!

It is not enough to wean an alcoholic away from alcoholic drinks; it is important to teach him what to do with a sober lifestyle. A person who drank every day simply does not know what to do with himself when his favorite pastime is not available. Sometimes drinking is replaced by hobbies, for example, a man who quit drinking becomes a coin or stamp collector. And from a shirtless guy he turns into a stingy guy, spending every penny on his collection. Not only for his drinking buddies, but for his own wife, he becomes a new and unfamiliar person.

Often a man remembers a time when he was treated with more sympathy, at least by his drinking buddies. He remembers drinking sessions, accompanied by the inner uplift and energy that alcohol causes, and forgets about the severity of the hangover and the inevitable problems. He begins to dream about that golden time, thereby pushing himself to decoding.

The psychologist's advice for this turning point is:

1. in this situation, the wife needs to become internally strong so that the fatal phrase does not come out: it would be better if you drank;
2. you can’t give up, you should let in your attractiveness and charm by changing your image with clothes, makeup and hairstyle;
3. as a last resort, penalties can be introduced if they are not applied for the sake of revenge for a ruined life, and only if other methods are unsuccessful;
4. You can try to provoke jealousy with caution, but this advice is extremely dangerous, do not forget about it;
5. to get rid of drinking buddies at home, you can feign illness;
6. at the initial stage of alcoholism, video recording of the husband in a drunken stupor, and the threat to show it to all friends and relatives, works flawlessly;
7. you can be intimidated by divorce and exchange of apartments;
8. do not hesitate to call the police if your husband makes a scandal, as a few days in the police station are very sobering;
9. at the onset of delirium tremens, contact a psychiatric service.

Husband drinks and abuses

A completely different situation requires appropriate methods of behavior if the husband not only drinks every day, but also insults, since in this case it is not far from assault, and this is a direct threat to life. Insults can be habitual or come as a complete surprise to a wife who considers her husband well-mannered and self-controlled.

The husband was rude the first time - you can try to forget about the incident. A man insults every day since he started drinking and it has become ingrained and habitual, but the wife is determined to save the marriage, and then we need to figure out why such an outrage happens. Look at the situation, as if from the outside. Perhaps meekness itself is perceived as an inability to defend oneself, and this is what infuriates.

There are several options for aggression:

• immoderation in words and actions occurs only if the husband drinks;
• his temper is impulsive and quickly fades away;
• the fact that the husband insults is a stable manifestation of character and has become the norm.

Find out the reason why your husband is insulting.

If the husband is aggressive while intoxicated, then you should remember that the proverb: what is on the mind of a sober man is on the tongue of a drunken man, is not always true. Alcohol changes the psyche, and, having sobered up, a person is often ashamed of what he said and did while drunk. And the problem here is not the insults, but whether the person is ready to quit drinking. If the husband starts drinking every day, then the woman sees only one drunken personality of her husband, often encountering insults.

You shouldn’t believe and take to heart words uttered in an inadequate state, but it’s worth thinking about, if he doesn’t stop drinking, do you want to live in constant fear. The husband may agree to treatment, and the problem with aggression will go away on its own. But you will have to avoid provoking drinking and banish alcohol from the house completely. Not only holidays, but also weekdays should be sober.

If a man insults his wife during moments of his temper, this may be a consequence of troubles at work or the result of other problems. The situation can be corrected by receiving the following advice from a psychologist:

1. do not be rude in response, much less try to insult;
2. don't interrupt;
3. do not allow violence on your part - a slap in the face can provoke assault;
4. You can raise your voice within reasonable limits;
5. at the moment when your husband cools down, try to convey to him how you feel about his temper.

But if your husband constantly insults you, then you need to think about whether you need such a person. If rudeness has become the norm of life, then it should not be tolerated. You can try to change your husband's character only if, after another outburst, he feels ashamed. If repentance does not occur, then it is worth thinking about the children who are also subject to his tyranny. Your feelings of self-preservation and self-esteem should tell you what to do next.

Are you all right

If a husband constantly insults and humiliates his wife, finds a reason to get to the bottom of the fact that she is a “terrible housewife”, “a disgusting mother”, “no mistress” - it is unlikely that he wants to correct the woman and make her ideal in all respects.

The reason is never so simple and obvious. You will not be able to improve in all respects. This will not help resolve the conflict. Just think about it, most likely you haven’t been married for the first time, you haven’t gotten worse, you haven’t forgotten about the children. Most likely the reason is not in you, but in your husband.

What's wrong with him? There is a possibility that he is dissatisfied with himself. It is he who does not have a high salary, he has not achieved success in business, he is not appreciated at work. He doesn’t want to do anything with himself, correct the situation, or even look at real problems. It's much easier to correct you.

Pointing out a man's own failures is not the answer. He subconsciously knows about them, but does not even think about solving anything. You will only make the situation worse and anger him more. The only way out is to leave or wait until he understands the true reason for his discontent. The last option can take years, for some it takes less.

Husband drinks and cheats

If the husband’s drinking takes place outside the house, and he may not come to spend the night for several days, then the wife has the right to suspect that the husband is going out. First of all, you need to remain calm, no matter how difficult it may be. Remember that you are a smart and strong woman and can handle the situation.

Evaluate what is happening to make the right decision. The husband should not influence him in this particular situation, since he has already shown himself from the negative side. The problem can have three outcomes. You can break up with your husband who is walking, you can pretend that nothing happened or forgive. Solutions are opposite and can change your life dramatically. The adoption of one or another method of response depends on the method of betrayal and its reasons. A psychologist’s advice to a woman who has discovered that her husband is taking walks consists of the following rules:

• try to understand the reasons for betrayal;
• do not relax so much that tears or hysterics appear;
• the decision made must be fulfilled: you decided to get a divorce, bring the matter to an end, persuasion, flowers and gifts - on the side;
• decided to forgive, forget it, like a nightmare, don’t reproach your husband, he should appreciate the ability to forgive;
• the conversation with the husband should take place calmly without accusations and reproaches; if the husband is determined to stay in the house, most likely he will accept the terms of reconciliation;
• it is necessary to take into account that if the husband has started drinking and goes on walks, then you should not trust his words, and it is necessary to agree on the treatment of alcohol dependence.

The situation can only be changed by recognizing in time that the husband is walking, as is his addiction to the green serpent. You can eliminate the possible reasons that your husband is looking for entertainment on the side by diversifying your sex life. Go somewhere to relax together, the husband must understand that neither a bottle nor another woman can replace the best wife in the world.

If you can’t cope with the fact that your husband has started drinking and is going on walks, don’t dwell on it. Divorce can be perceived as the beginning of a new life.

What makes a woman stay with a man who has sadistic tendencies? And how to get out of this circle? Psychologists respond to the reader’s letter.

Losing a loved one is easy, but regaining an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not the easiest task. Perhaps you shouldn’t be a hero and try to figure out a problem on your own that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships. You send us your story, and we publish it with comments from specialists. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send as detailed (of course, as appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do everything possible to ensure that good mood, harmony and peace return to your home. The anonymity of letters is guaranteed.

We are waiting for your letters at To prevent your letter from being lost, please indicate “My story” in the subject line.

Hello, I hope for your help. And I need her. My name is Tatyana, I am 30 years old. I got married at 26. He is 31. A week before the wedding, I found a page on my computer from a dating site and read the entire correspondence. Treason upon betrayal. He answered me that it was not he who was conducting the correspondence. Yeah, brownie.

In general, it changes. Still on this dating site. I’m from another city, and when he got married, he hoped that I didn’t know anyone here, which means I’d never know anything about him.

Once I was in the hospital with a cyst. She asked to go home - she came, cleaned, cooked dinner, and pleased her husband. Although it was impossible. I went to the hospital to spend the night. At 24.00 a girl calls from his number. And he finds out with me who I am. Shock, bewilderment.

The girl turned out to be adequate. He's been playing tricks on her for a year. That he's not married. She, like anyone else, didn’t even know about her wife. She wanted to start a family...

I left him more than once and returned him. I love it and I hate it.

I also have two ectopic pregnancies. There are no pipes. It’s a diseased liver, but it’s curable, thank God.

I learn about more and more of his campaigns more and more often. Although I don’t deprive him of intimacy. I do everything, and even more.

I noticed that he even practices with ladies over 40. I cook and clean. I bring him food into the hall and take away the dishes. Running errands. On occasion he always humiliates me. Never praises. “Thank you”, “please” are completely absent. Drinks. Sometimes he hits me terribly and does not repent. Refusing sex to him when he’s drunk means I’ll stand naked on the balcony, or violence. He knows what IVF needs to be done, which requires work, money and time. I'm 31, I'm not getting any younger.

But the other day I found him on another website - and so, there he writes about relationships. Like, nothing serious, not married. I don't have children, but I would like to. Does he want to finish off something? Bring someone else who will give birth to him.

His job is good. But he doesn’t give me money. You have to ask with a scandal: where, why, and where are yours? He drinks alcohol himself and does not regret going on leftist campaigns.

We live like neighbors - bring it, go and don’t disturb. We don't talk on the phone during the day. I learned it this way. Although I would like my husband to call and ask how things are going. No never.

In their family there are only tyrants in their family. But everyone has a higher education and has achieved something. Grandfather chased grandmother, father chased mother, son chased me. He often doesn’t let me go home, so I spend the night wherever I can. I don’t want a divorce, I want to try to save the marriage or start over.

Help me, how to reason with him, where to take him so that he understands something. I don't see any gifts. He didn’t even bring a flower for betrayal.

I can't leave. I don’t respect myself anymore for this. I'm afraid to start all over again. At 31 years old. How can I leave? Rise from scratch. Survive it all. Who needs me now, spoiled? Only for mom. What to do? How to become happy? Why is everything so cruel? I'm a man.

My husband is constantly unhappy

If you grumble and bark all day, by the evening you are as tired as a dog.

This is not a full-blown tyrant, but just a tyrant, but that doesn’t make it any easier for you. He always grumbles and grumbles, is always dissatisfied with something, and most often he is dissatisfied with everything in the world and, first of all, with his other half. He finds fault, reproaches and criticizes all the time. No matter what you do, everything is wrong. It is not clear what he wants and what he even needs. Perhaps he doesn’t even know it himself.

Typically, a “grump” is uncontrollable in his language and can offend or even offend - not only in the heat of a quarrel, but when he is out of sorts or dissatisfied with something. He doesn’t like everything: his wife is a bad housewife, her cooking is tasteless (“I wish I could learn from my mother!”), the house is a mess, there’s always not enough money, she doesn’t raise the children well, etc., etc.

“My husband constantly grumbles,” complained 33-year-old Zoya. - You'll never please him. It all started with little things - the food wasn’t tasty, the reason why he wore such a tight skirt, and now he’s generally dissatisfied with everything.”

Zoya is married for the second time. Her first husband drank, beat her, and she left him with a four-year-old child. After the divorce, she had a room in a huge, neglected communal apartment. The conditions were so-so, but Zoya believed that sooner or later she would find a suitable life partner.

Like many women who are burdened by their loneliness, Zoya was ready to marry anyone, as long as he did not drink or beat. This “anyone” was soon found.

Soon after the wedding, her husband began to find fault with her for no reason or reason. What irritated him most was her appearance.

Peter is 7 years older than Zoya, in appearance - nothing special, short in stature, frail physique, with early baldness and displeasedly pursed lips, like an old maid's. Zoya is a petite blonde, looks much younger than her age, is used to wearing short skirts, jeans and tight sweaters, but her husband was categorically not happy with this. Either he was offended that his wife was young and attractive, or Peter was masking his jealousy with nagging - in general, he forced her to wear what suited him, but not her.

Zoya changed her youth style to long skirts, hiding her bust under loose-fitting jackets, and pulled her long hair into an old lady’s bun, but her husband invariably found flaws in her appearance. And not only her appearance - he didn’t like everything about his wife. What kind of Galatea he intended to sculpt is known only to the sculptor himself, but Peter sculpted with an obsession worthy of better use. And he chose criticism as a sculptor’s chisel, convinced that his reproaches would help his wife “correct.”

- Sarah, you’ve completely forgotten to take care of yourself! The fagots are already paying attention to you!

She preferred to remain silent - Zoya doesn’t like to make trouble, and she didn’t want to start a typical quarrel in the presence of her neighbors. She realized that her husband was simply taking it out on her because he was dissatisfied with his life, but, like many Russian women, she was looking for excuses for him.

Zoya came up with this version: her husband is not satisfied with their living conditions. The three of them lived in a 12-meter room, the apartment was of a hotel type, there were a dozen more rooms, the kitchen and bathroom were incredibly neglected, the corridor was dirty, littered with all sorts of junk, from their room they had to walk along a dimly lit corridor, squeezing past someone’s shabby prehistoric cabinets, tripping over some boxes, broken chairs, bicycles and other remains of someone else's life. In their room, the furnishings are very modest and cramped - the marital bed, the son's sofa, his desk and shelves with books, a refrigerator, a wardrobe - in general, you can't move around.

True, Peter was by no means one of the hereditary nobles and also did not eat with silver forks, but it was easier for Zoya to justify her husband’s bad character with external circumstances.

He did not immediately get along with his stepson. The boy annoyed him, Peter grumbled that he was too noisy and disobedient, reproached Zoya for completely spoiling her son and indulging him in everything, although he was a very ordinary child, with all the qualities required for his age. For her own consolation, Zoya came up with another legend - her husband is like this because they do not have children together. His stepson is a stranger to him, so he picks on him, and if they had a child, the husband would be different. But they cannot afford another child.

Zoya is also unable to live like this any longer. “I have become like an old woman, both in soul and in appearance,” she cried in my office. “I always wanted to please my husband, but I just can’t please him.” I used to really want to get married, but now I think that living alone with my son was better than living with such a husband. He completely screwed up his son. At first I stood up for my son, then I saw that it wasn’t helping, so I decided not to interfere. And now I’m ashamed that I allowed my own child to be bullied like that. The main thing is that the husband does not raise his voice, does not swear, but says such offensive words as if he were stinging. It would be better to scold him once and leave him alone, but every day he, like a wasp, is looking for somewhere to sting more painfully.”

— I am very concerned about the issues of reincarnation. Suddenly in my new life I will turn into a dog, and my husband into a flea.

Some of the “grumpy” statements may be quite justified, but there are too many of them, and besides, the form in which he puts his complaints is offensive to a self-respecting woman.

Marina’s husband’s “item” is an electric kettle. This, of course, is not the only reason to grumble, but for some reason Valentin chose the teapot as significant evidence of Marina’s carelessness and her complete failure as a wife and housewife.

Lately she has become absent-minded (here her husband’s reproaches are not without foundation), because she always has a lot to do, her head is always filled with worries and thoughts about unfinished things, about who she needs to meet tomorrow, who to call tonight - that is , speaking in psychiatric language, a typical syndrome of unfinished action (now a new concept has appeared “manager syndrome”, which is essentially the same thing, because not only managers and other business people suffer from this, but also many others). In addition, in the evening the telephone rings incessantly in their apartment.

Marina loves coffee and drinks it a lot and often. She doesn’t have time to cook it in a Turk, stand at the stove, watch so that the coffee doesn’t run away, so she uses instant. Just as Marina is about to drink another cup of coffee with feeling, and for this purpose turns on the electric kettle, the phone rings. Or the phone is silent, and Marina remembers something that needs to be done quickly. Or she herself needs to make a call, and she intends to combine this with drinking coffee, but during the conversation she forgets about both the coffee and the kettle on. Or she has no time to wait for the kettle to boil, and she goes into the room to do something during this time. Having finished, she turns on the kettle again, then, so as not to wait, she leaves, and the whole circle repeats. And so repeatedly.

Annoyance is anger that is afraid to be revealed, it is impotent rage that feels its powerlessness.

Marina is, in general, a rather reserved and good-natured person. More precisely, it was like this before. At first she laughed it off: “Well, that’s just the way I am, what can you do! That's how unlucky you are in life. Once you marry me, then be patient,” or she would say: “Come on, don’t get worked up over such nonsense!” But it didn't help. The husband certainly had to put the last point.

But even Marina’s patience is not limitless. Despite the fact that she is a successful businesswoman, she earns well, is respected and has a reputation as a highly qualified professional. So the words “stupid”, “stupid”, “stupid” and others from the same arsenal do not fit her at all. And any woman, even if she doesn’t have enough stars in the sky, would be offended.

If a woman is dumber than a man, he is unlikely to be smarter than her.

And Valentin cannot boast of the same achievements as his wife - he is an ordinary official in the ministry. No money, no honors, no reputation. Just naked bureaucracy.

Realizing that her tactics of not paying attention to her husband’s grumbling were ineffective, Marina began to snap. It is not in her nature to insult and give unfair labels, but she began to respond to her husband in a harsher manner than before. But even this did not get through to him - it was just a banal quarrel. After which the angry spouses went to their rooms, and then did not speak for weeks.

The icy relationship between the spouses heated up to the limit.

The notorious electric kettle, of course, was not the only reason for Valentin’s grumbling. There were others, usually in the household sector.

Not every businesswoman is an exemplary housewife. Even if she has such a desire, she doesn’t have time. And strength. And most often there is no desire - new women consider housekeeping a waste of time and effort. By the way, Marina has the opportunity to invite a housekeeper, but Valentin is categorically against it. He motivated this by his reluctance to tolerate the presence of a stranger. But in essence, I didn’t want to deprive myself of the pleasure of grumbling and reproaching my wife.

In general, things went so far that Marina became nervous and irritable. Family scenes do not contribute to a cloudless mood, optimism, or work achievements. Her depressed mood began to affect her work. Marina quickly got tired, became even more absent-minded, inattentive, made several mistakes at work, reproached herself for them, and did not fall asleep well. In this regard, she contacted me. The listed symptoms indicate neurasthenia (other names are asthenic neurosis, chronic fatigue syndrome). We started a course of treatment.

The basis of any neurosis is a strong but short-term mental trauma or a long-term psychotraumatic situation. My patient has a second reason. Neurosis cannot be completely cured as long as a traumatic situation exists. Therefore, psychiatrists, along with treatment, help patients solve their problems. Elimination of a traumatic situation sometimes leads to a cure much faster than medication and psychotherapeutic treatment.

I infuriated Marina about the reasons for her husband’s behavior. “So, doctor, is he incorrigible?” she asked. “We can try to fight him, but it will take time and patience,” I said. “But I don’t have time for that,” my patient replied. - And strength too. I can't cope with my work anymore. It’s a vicious circle: I’m stressed at work because I’m no longer who I was before, I’m ashamed that I’ve lost my former energy, and at home it’s a nightmare. There is no quiet life either there or there.” “Then let’s treat your husband,” I suggested and asked Marina to bring him.

Then she disappeared from my sight for some time - apparently she didn’t have time to come. Her husband did not come either.

Three months later Marina came. Cheerful, lively. “Doctor, I’m cured!” — she said joyfully from the doorway.

It turned out that she tried for a long time to persuade her husband to come for a consultation, but in response she heard: “You need to be treated by a psychiatrist, but I’m normal.” Valentin did not abandon his quibbles; little has changed in their family life.

In the end, Marina could not stand it. During a quarrel (and again because of the ill-fated teapot), she threw it at the window and shouted: “Go to hell with this damned teapot!” - and literally pushed her husband out of the apartment in what he was wearing - slippers, old jeans and a shirt. In anger, even a weak woman gains immense strength.

Finding himself in front of the slammed door, Valentin stomped around in confusion for a while, then began to ring the bell. Marina did not react to the trill of the doorbell, but her husband did not leave, continuing to press the bell button. Finally, Marina opened the door and said with a mocking smile: “Well, what else is unclear to you? I said: get out with your kettle. He lies under the window. Get it before someone grabs it. And I will only meet with you in court. You will receive your things tomorrow. Send someone for them. I don’t want to see you anymore and I won’t open the door for you.”

Valentin had to go to his parents. How he solved the problem of what to wear to work the next day (before that he wore a suit and a light shirt with a tie) is his problem. The cowardly Valentin (and all men from the “grump” category are weak in personal terms; when they meet a strong opponent, they fold) did not dare to come himself and sent his parents. Marina did not listen to her mother-in-law’s lamentations. “You raised him this way, now you babysit him yourself, and I’ve had enough,” she stopped her reproaches. The father-in-law did not interfere in the women's conversation. Silently he took the bags and suitcases that Marina had prepared and carried them to the car. As soon as all the things were taken out, Marina dryly said to her father-in-law and mother-in-law: “Goodbye,” and closed the door.

“Well, doctor, there is no need to treat anyone,” Marina said. “You can’t even imagine how relieved I was to get rid of Valentine.” Only now I realized how much he influenced me. I have now become a different person, the same as I was before.”

She took her son - for the last two years he lived in a country boarding school, because Marina did not want her son to witness the constant clashes between his parents. And Valentin constantly found fault with him. Therefore, Marina decided that her son would be calmer away from his father. It's just time for the school holidays. She went to Italy with her son and had a good rest. And most importantly, she realized how much she missed her son, how much she had deprived him of, trying to follow her husband’s lead.

Deciding that “they don’t cut a dog’s tail piece by piece,” upon arrival Marina quickly filed for divorce. She did not want to share the apartment and paid her husband a certain amount for the “meters” of living space assigned to him by the court. Out of sheer harm, Marina deducted from this amount the alimony that her husband would have to pay until her son came of age. Money, as you know, is never superfluous, but that’s not the point. She did not want to receive monthly alimony - she decided to break with her husband completely and, in fact, never see him again. She left it up to his discretion whether her son would see his father. He is 13 years old and can decide this issue himself. But the son does not want to communicate with his father - he also spoiled his blood.

A woman is being tried for causing grievous bodily harm to her husband with a teapot.

— Citizen, explain to the court why you hit your husband with a teapot?

- Yes, he, the parasite, exhausted my whole soul!

“But didn’t you really feel sorry for him?”

- It was, of course, because it was completely new, comfortable, with a whistle...

By and large, there is usually no reason for the constant grumbling of the “grump”. More precisely, there are reasons, but they lie on a different plane and lie in the peculiarities of his personality.

Tyranny in the form of constant grumbling, petty nagging towards one’s half or all family members, from the point of view of psychiatry, is indirect verbal aggression, serving as a manifestation of dissatisfaction (you will learn more about this in the chapter “A domestic tyrant is a diagnosis”).

A husband who shows aggression tries to explain his dissatisfaction with the fact that his wife behaves “wrong”, and shifts the blame to his half, although she may not be guilty of anything. However, the reason is not in her, but in himself: the basis of the feeling of dissatisfaction is an unconscious lack of self-confidence.

If a husband constantly looks for flaws in his wife, then another will find her merits.

The experienced “grump” even has a corresponding appearance - a constantly disgusted and dissatisfied expression on his face, some have cold eyes and thin pursed lips. True, this is not strictly necessary. “Grumbly” may have the most ordinary appearance, but he has a disgusting character.

"Grumbly" is incredibly boring. He is monotonous and annoying. He is intellectually limited, but he doesn’t realize it.

Any idea you have causes your husband to react in three stages:

1. This is impossible and don’t worry about it!

2. I don’t know, I don’t know... Maybe you’re right about something, but you still shouldn’t take it on. You're bound to mess up.

3. I told you a hundred times that this is a great idea!

Some people in this category become militant bigots and champions of morality, angrily brand youth and all people in general for “licentiousness” and zealously fight for the purity of morals. There are also fans of anonymous accounts among them; There were especially many of them at a time when anonymous letters were popular and were considered at party meetings as so-called “personal cases” for immoral behavior. Having deprived someone of his party card, the “grump” felt a feeling of deep satisfaction - justice had triumphed!

In youth, all these qualities are not so obvious, but you should be wary if your lover often corrects you: that you did something wrong, said something wrong, behaved wrong. For some reason, the “grump” considers himself a role model and is sure that he is always right, and knows how “decent people” should behave.

If your action meets with universal approval, your husband probably will not like it.

“Gruzga” is a sure candidate for a confirmed bachelor. Some become convinced misogynists or misanthropes. They despise women (and all other people too), see a lot of shortcomings in them and speak very disparagingly about them. And in general, an old bachelor is just a PERSONAL PATHOLOGY.

Two friends share their experience.

- You need to be stricter with women! - one says sternly. “For example, I order mine to be home at eight o’clock in the evening!”

- Well, are you listening? - the second one is interested.

- I don’t know, I don’t come home that early.

It may be that the “grump” got married when he was young, when he had not yet lost faith in the female sex, and his betrothed, due to her inexperience, did not understand her future life partner. Some bachelors from the category of “grumps” get married when they are old - for the sake of everyday conveniences or formally, in order to be considered married (this happened in the old days, when an unmarried man had no prospects for career growth or travel abroad).

For family life, being a “grump” is a real punishment. It is difficult for a normal woman to get along with a “grump”; this may only be a temporary stage in her life or a forced residence, for example, when it is not possible to exchange living space or because of children. But at the first opportunity, a woman will run away from such a life partner, cursing the day she met him.

The longer you carry your cross, the stronger the desire to throw it on another.

What to do if your husband is a “grump”, but due to some circumstances you cannot (or do not want) to break off your union? The surest way is to open his eyes to the background of his behavior.

The “grump” is most often a loser. It may not be very obvious to you, but he himself once imagined himself as a person capable of much. But I didn’t achieve anything in life or didn’t achieve what I was striving for. He won’t tell you this because he values ​​his reputation very much and wants to maintain the appearance that he is a man.

If he doesn’t “bother” you too much with his grumbling, you can spare his pride and tell him the reason for his dissatisfaction in a gentle manner. There is no need to criticize him. Tell him that you understand why he is dissatisfied with his life, and offer your help in solving his problems or at least moral support to give him confidence.

The best reproach is the unspoken one.

But if your “grump” has already gone far in his unreasonable quibbles, does not skimp on offensive epithets, humiliating your human dignity, then you cannot remain silent and tolerate this state of affairs. Next you will learn how to deal with it using “home” methods.

When trying to change your husband, do not resort to violence!

Dilya Enikeeva “I chose the wrong man”