Serious relationships in our time are a more relevant topic than ever. Free morals and free love have led to what many call the “destruction of the institution of the family.” But this definition is very radical: rather, it can be called a modification. After all, families continue to be created, and very happy families. It’s better to look at the situation from a different angle - why doesn’t a man want a relationship? After all, it is often the man who tries to avoid the serious role of the father of the family and prefers meetings without obligations.
The vast majority of girls and women are not happy with this course of things. And they either end the relationship with a specific person and begin to look for a more “accommodating” candidate for the role of husband, or they become disappointed in all men in general. In the latter case, a woman often comes to the “objective” conclusion that in such a “vicious” society there is no place for real feelings and falls into chronic depression.
In this article we will try to figure out what is the reason for such situations, as well as when and how to influence a man so that he decides to take a serious step. And we will find out whether it is necessary to do this at all.
Where have serious men gone: a little history
How did it happen that relationships ceased to be so important for men that they would strive to tie the knot with the woman they liked? It's all about changing the moral standards of society. Moreover, women themselves played a huge role in this. In the old days, a man after marriage received:
- The ability to constantly communicate with a woman alone.
- Regular sex, which was not condemned by society and the church.
- The position of a respectable father of a family - such a person was trusted much more than a lonely adventurer without a wife and children.
- Power over a woman (however, sometimes the calculations came true exactly the opposite).
The sexual revolution, into which the weaker sex “plunged headlong” and overly aggressive feminism, has led to the fact that it is now possible to communicate with a woman alone and have sexual contacts at least 24 hours a day. No one will say a word - on the contrary, they will also praise you.
The same applies to the status of a family man - this is paid attention only in certain circles (politics, serious corporations, etc.). Few people now need power over a woman: taking into account all of the above, this has become irrelevant.
The current state of affairs cannot be called immoral or bad - it is a natural course of events, which it is stupid to resist.
But you can and should adapt. By changing your perspective and taking a few steps, you can almost always look forward to a long-term, serious relationship with a man you like and who likes you.
He's making a career
A purposeful man wants to first sort out his work, take a certain position, achieve a certain income, before introducing a girl into his life, having serious intentions regarding her. But at the same time, he does not want to deny himself dates and sex from time to time. As soon as you want something more, the man disappears, since work comes first in his plans, and he does not have time for a permanent relationship. Sooner or later, a man will either try to combine his work with a relationship, or start looking for a girl after he reaches the desired level. Well, let’s leave the workaholics to pursue their careers, and we ourselves will look for an already accomplished man.
My boyfriend doesn't want stability - why?!
In order to most fully illuminate this issue, it is necessary to clarify what exactly women understand by a serious relationship. So, a woman expects from a man:
- support and protection at any time (at least remotely);
- official registration of relations;
- financial assistance and stability;
- spiritual and emotional intimacy;
- full sexual relationships;
- words and deeds that will prove that she is the one and only.
A woman wants to be sure that her chosen one will be able to take care of both her and their children. That there will always be a feeling of a man’s “strong shoulder” nearby. In short, she expects stability.
But a man expects something completely different from his woman - he does not need stability in a relationship. At least at first. After all, most representatives of the stronger sex associate it with boredom. A man loves variety, novelty and constant intrigue. If a woman manages to give him all this, he himself will try not to miss her.
Now let’s clarify what exactly leads to a man not wanting to enter into a serious relationship with the woman he likes. Here are some of the most common reasons:
- he is simply not mentally ready for such a step;
- he is not ready for such a step with you;
- in the past he was seriously traumatized, and he is afraid of being “burned” again;
- fear of taking responsibility;
- psychological problems.
The most interesting thing is that not everyone can cope with these problems on their own. And here female influence can become a catalyst that will radically change the situation. Now let's look at each of the reasons in more detail.
Eternal Peter Pan. Prince, but not your fairy tale...
Situation No. 1. A man who has not left childhood will never strive for a serious relationship. They mean for him the collapse of all hopes and desires. After all, alone he can do everything, while a family will put an end to his free life and adventures. At least, this is what many “eternal boys” think.
The feeling of freedom for such men is the most important thing in life. They intuitively feel when a woman begins to evaluate them as a potential husband and instantly “jump off the hook.”
For them, a ring on their finger means the loss of the lion's share of attention from other women and, as a result, their own insolvency. This is a moral blow of great force, which can only be overcome by very strong and deep feelings for a woman.
Men don't ask me to date.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello. Men don't ask me to date. I am beautiful, I have a good figure, a diploma with honors, I am erudite, I read books, I study foreign languages. languages. All psychologists and stars say that in order to be liked, you need to love yourself. In my case, this rule does not work. I am confident in my irresistibility, I consider myself beautiful, with a rare combination of appearance and intelligence, I am a self-sufficient person regardless of whether I have a boyfriend or not, I do not go somewhere in the hope of meeting someone, like my single friends do (apparently, they consider themselves incomplete without a man). I can't help but exude self-confidence.
Men stare at me wherever I go: in the subway, cafe, store, train, etc. But there is nothing more than “staring”. At the university, one guy looked at me for 5 years (I don’t like him), but no decisive action followed from him. No one is asking me to date. Although I am a sociable person, I communicate with everyone.
I have had 2 guys in my entire life, many fans with whom I allowed myself to “sin” (a kiss or something more, NOT intimacy). The 1st guy from the 1st day said that he loved him, was offended that I did not tell him the same, but after 3 months he stopped loving me (there was no intimacy). 4 years later (when I was 24) there was a 2nd guy. At first everything went fine (he took me to restaurants, a sauna, to apartments in which he was renovating, to nature), but then he began to ask me to borrow money, one day in the middle of the night he put me out on the street (we did not live together), and began to insult me , when I reminded him of my duty, criticize my clothes and appearance. As a result, I reported him to the police because of the debt, and we have not communicated since then. The police didn't help. There was intimacy.
Those fans who decide to do something more than “staring” (make an appointment), one on one, like the 2nd guy, ask for a loan (I’ve become smarter and don’t give), criticize their appearance, clothes - in In general, they wipe their feet on me. At the same time, I feel that they like me, they just think that this is a normal attitude. One of these even seriously asked me to marry. These losers are not doing anything to conquer me. Yes, some people drink.
I understand in my head that their concept of “normality” is different from mine, but I am sure that they like me. Of course, after such words I interrupt meetings with them, but the fact itself is that I am playing out the same scenario. I don't like these fans. I allow myself a short-term connection with them, etc. for lack of fish and cancer, fish, and if I kiss them or they spank me (nothing more, I do not allow intimacy), I will “have enough for future use” for several years to come, i.e. I feel comfortable without a man and don’t really bother with the issue of not having a relationship, but I’m a living person and sometimes I want a kiss, romance, etc. If I kiss someone who sucks now, then it will “enough” for me for a long time not to kiss for several years. At the moments of meetings, I want sex that sucks, but with my mind I understand that I want this only at the moment, and not in principle, and that God forbid I pass on their genes to my children (anything can happen if you are sexually active), so I refuse them in bed. Kissing and intimacy are not the same thing.
There are good fans, but I don't like them.
It’s rare that I come across people with whom I would like to be friends or date, with whom we have similar views on life, a similar level of intelligence and complete mutual understanding, but they don’t like me as a girl. Or I don't like those who like me.
I don't really have anywhere to meet people. I studied full-time at the institute for 6 years with excellent marks (there were 4 boys and 60 girls in the course), 4 years full-time in graduate school (everything is on an individual schedule, there are no guys), then I worked at a research institute, where there were only old people, I received 5 thousand per month. month (not exaggerating)! Now I haven’t worked for more than a year, because... very busy with ships. I am conducting several lawsuits (there is no money for a lawyer), incl. with research institutes, because not only fans, but also employers wipe their feet on me.
I met 2 of my guys in a common company, i.e. the acquaintance started naturally. The general company is my only friend, with whom we have been friends all our lives (from the sandbox), but who recently began to get so drunk that she was lying under the table (in the literal sense of the word), she had 1500 sexual partners. She never goes a day without her boyfriend. When she's in a relationship with someone (that is, always), she spends 24 hours a day with guys, she doesn't need a girlfriend or anyone else, so we see each other very rarely. Now she has quarreled with me, not sparing her 30-year friendship, because her next sexual partner forbids her to communicate with her exes and with her friend (me).
I wouldn’t want to have a guy who likes such a girl (a drunk and a whore), and in the general company there are only such people. Maybe that’s why I intuitively realize that I want something completely different, and that’s why it didn’t work out with guys?
My mother, after the death of my father (19 years ago), was alone, and she and my father got along. She has been throwing mud at me all her life, saying that no one can like me, no one can fall in love with me, that I am a bad student (even though I have a straight diploma), while she herself doesn’t even have a blue diploma. My brother also throws mud at me, calls me a fool, and when I came to conquer the capital (he has lived in Moscow for about 20 years), he threw me out of the car onto the street because I dared to disagree with the fact that I was a fool.
In general, I argue with my brother and mother every day, because... I don’t recognize the unfoundedness. I don’t recognize it when a person blames another for something that he himself is not so good at. My brother is married for the 3rd time. Are the 1st, 2nd and 3rd wives also stupid?
It’s not that the lack of romantic relationships is a global problem for me, I’m not focused on it. I don’t have time to meet, because... I wander around the courts, prosecutor's offices, etc. In such institutions, I read, study foreign languages, and this takes a lot of time. Why isn’t there a “own” merchant for a unique “product”?
In general, I’m afraid to show my sympathy to a guy (and I don’t know how to do this); for me, the fear of rejection is worse than death. When I notice someone's gaze on me, I don't smile or jump for joy, because... I'm not 15 years old.
Please tell me what is wrong with me? How can I attract “those” guys? Thank you.
Question author: Elena Age: 29
He is financially insolvent
Real men, when they start dating a girl, take responsibility for her. Therefore, the guy you like may not ask you to date because of his financial problems. Maybe he's paying off a car loan, is in debt, or is looking for a job that will allow him to get a girlfriend. The guy believes that he will need to invest financially in the girl: take her on dates, buy gifts, pay for a joint vacation, etc. A serious relationship also involves subsequent joint renting of housing and the purchase of household appliances. Therefore, a man without money may not decide to enter into a serious relationship until his financial problems are resolved positively. There's not much you can do here. After all, you will not help him with money and pay for your trips to cafes and cinemas, so we are looking for a candidate who has no problems with money.
He thinks you're not right for him
For some reason, the object of your love does not see you as the girl with whom he wants to connect his life. And men will rarely date a woman in whom they do not see a future wife. Maybe he is looking for a girl who looks like his mother, or he has a certain image of a lady in his head that you don’t match - it doesn’t matter, you don’t need to think about what’s wrong, he still won’t be there for you. A man may also deep down want you to change and then he will deign to ask you to date. Here you need to decide whether this subject is worthy of you changing yourself to please him or whether it is better to look for someone with whom you will be completely satisfied. There are many answers to the question: “Why doesn’t a guy offer to date?”, and what exactly in your case prevents him from having a serious relationship can only be understood by him. Don't waste your time on this person and look for someone who wants to be with you, no matter what!
He is married
Or he has a girlfriend with whom he has no plans to break up anytime soon. Are you surprised why he went on dates with you and there was intimacy between you? It’s not surprising, you just might have come across a man for whom fidelity doesn’t really matter. You may not even know that he is busy. His marital status may not be indicated on social networks, he introduced you to friends, spent all his free time with you (or rather, you thought that the rest of the time he was busy with work or other things). His status was revealed after you had feelings and, as luck would have it, you just started planning a bright future with him. For this reason, you need to try to find out the real status of your chosen one as early as possible, so that later you don’t have to break off the connection after the whole truth is revealed. You should not get involved with a man who already has a personal life, but you need to look for someone who is as free as you.
How do I know when I'm ready for a relationship?
Chances are you won't wake up in the morning thinking, “Well, I'm ready to look for a mate! I put on my best suit and go!”
More likely it will be like this.
You will notice that you are interested in couples. It's nice to look at them.
You will feel vaguely missing something in the evenings.
You might be thinking about getting a pet.
You will enjoy playing with your friends' children.
You will notice that you look with interest at such attractive, interesting, teasing guys or girls...
When is a person ready for a new relationship? As a rule, only when the previous relationship has “ended.” When accumulated grievances, dissatisfaction, anger and anger, disappointment, unpleasant feelings are lived and left in the past.
What's the trick:
- While a person is wondering whether he needs a relationship, he is thinking about functions. What do I get from this?
- When it is actually time for a person to look for a mate, he becomes interested in others. They are in no way perceived by “those bastards who are all the same.”
There is no thought “you will have to endure in a relationship.” Of course, I don’t want to build a relationship “with a reptile” or “with a reptile”...
And with an interesting person - why not YES?
Exit
If you don't want a relationship, that's okay and it's temporary. It is only important to understand with whom you really do not want a relationship, and what kind.
If you can afford it, you can
- live through the feelings that poisoned relationships and spoil even the very thought of them
- to notice different - living - people, and not the need to build something there with someone unknown
- and try again.
Why do many people today deliberately give up their privacy? Why do they give up and not even try to build their own personal happiness?
Yesterday I got into a conversation with my neighbor; our conversation moved from discussing everyday utility issues to the topic of relationships between men and women. She told me that she has been living alone for 5 years and all this time she has not had a man (neither morally nor physically), moreover, she is already used to it and at this point in her life she is happy with all this and in a different way she doesn't want to live. She said: “I don’t want a relationship! It’s good for me to live alone!”
I can say that she is a very pleasant woman in appearance, her home is clean and tidy (which means she is a good housewife), her career is successful (she is the chief accountant in a large company), her son is already an adult. I didn’t ask about age, well, somewhere around 41-42 years old (and 5 years ago she was 35-36), so why does she absolutely not want to live with a man?
