How to overcome shyness and self-doubt: 4 best methods

How to overcome self-doubt, fear and embarrassment for a man. Shyness is considered to be an age trait. It is typical for children and generally goes away over the years. But it happens that it is difficult for an adult to address a stranger on the street or speak in front of an audience.

This slows down career growth, a person misses opportunities, and is embarrassed to meet people in order to improve their personal life. It’s not for nothing that arrogance is called the second happiness, because while the more gifted and prepared will be tormented by doubts and embarrassed, a self-confident opponent will definitely not miss his chance.

Method No. 1

I’ll say right away that one of the first signs of shyness is the inability to look into the eyes of the person you like. Staring has always been considered a sign of aggression or challenge. Therefore, the fact that you do not look at the object of sympathy is further confirmation that your intentions are only good. However, not looking at him at all is already strange.

Therefore, I offer you a little experience, my dears. On the way to school (institute, work) smile at several dozen people . Just openly look into the eyes and smile and pass by. From the outside it may seem that you are simply in a good mood. But we know the secret... 10-15 people a day is quite enough. Count how many people (read: looks) will come out in a week, or in two?

Then proceed to the next stage - “Hello.” Smile, look and greeting. You won’t notice how in a month you will begin to calmly treat strangers on the street.

Forget about all the situations or words that underestimated your importance and abilities

Sometimes fear and self-doubt develop from past negative experiences and career failures (and not only). Perhaps you ended up in the office of swindlers who did not even plan to pay a salary, so they constantly humiliated you and told you how bad you are.

Maybe your parents said bad things to you: “You will climb through garbage cans,” “Nothing good will come of you,” etc.

So, similar words were spoken to all children, including those who later turned history around. For example, young Faina Ranevskaya, Charles Darwin or Fyodor Chaliapin. And one moment.

People change, and if in your youth you were an object of ridicule or were not very successful in relationships with the opposite sex, this does not mean that you remain so.

Just throw it all out of your head and don’t relish the negative words addressed to you. Very often this is either a subjective opinion, something said thoughtlessly, or an element of a well-oiled scheme of scammers. It's better to surround yourself with people who believe in you.

Method No. 3

The next sign of shyness is tongue-tiedness (inability to speak). Here, of course, it’s a good idea to attend some kind of language course or public speaking club. Where there are people and where these people communicate.

There is no opportunity (desire or time) to take courses? Then make phone calls more often, talk to neighbors, store clerks, sing in front of the mirror. Communication is a very important stage in the development of humanity. Since my mouth is closed only in two cases - I eat or kiss (although, probably in the second case it is rather open :)), then I generally do not understand the problems of people who are embarrassed to speak. What's there to be ashamed of? Don't know what topics to talk about? Please!

Weather, world disasters (share your impression of the typhoon on the Colorado coast by watching the video on YouTube)
Impressions of vacation spots where you have been or dream of visiting
The political situation in the country (if, of course, you at least remember, know, and understand something)
New releases in cinema, theater or the publishing industry (depend on the circumstances - it’s no good for fans of “Saw 5” to talk about how wonderful “Carmen” was recently shown on the theater stage)
New items in technology or car production (boys love these toys, phones, PSPs)
Pets and caring for them + comical situations with you and your pets
Discussion of hobbies (collecting matchboxes and shampoo caps is welcome)
As a last resort, you can talk about study and work.

How to get rid of shyness: gaining self-confidence

No matter how phenomenal abilities, deep knowledge and honed skills a person possesses, he is unlikely to achieve success and become happy if he has self-doubt. Lack of self-confidence ultimately leads to the fact that the individual gives up his dreams and desires and loses the ability to act adequately. Indecisiveness and shyness have a negative impact on all areas of a person’s life: they impair academic performance, prevent them from expressing themselves in the professional field, complicate relationships in society, and deprive them of the chance to create a strong family. Uncertainty creates a background for the accumulation of negative experiences, as a result of which a person is forced to suffer from severe depression and be dependent on obsessive fears. Lack of self-confidence not only undermines mental health, but also initiates the onset of somatic pathologies. Therefore, everyone who even just begins to feel insecure needs to act urgently to eliminate this property. Why am I insecure: reasons for lack of determination

Like any other personality trait, uncertainty does not arise on its own, but is a consequence of some reasons or is a concomitant phenomenon of some psychological state. Circumstances that deprive a person of confidence can be both physiological characteristics of the individual and psychological anomalies. Among the common causes of excessive modesty and shyness are the following factors:

innate properties of the central nervous system;
a special “genetic code” passed on from generation to generation - a hereditary style of thinking and behavior that is reinforced by parents when raising their offspring;
natural imitation by children of the behavioral tactics of adults - the child in social situations copies the behavior of the parents;
features of a child growing up: an overly demanding style of raising a child, unfair criticism in children's social institutions;
regularly receiving negative feedback on your attempts to act;
the impact of stereotypes accepted in cultural or political communities: propaganda of stereotypes, the presence of cults, strict regulation of human rights;
negative influence on the individual from the media, which preach the ideas of destroying the uniqueness of man: blocking opportunities for initiative, popularizing the dullness and facelessness of the masses;
lack of political, economic, social stability in the country, due to which an individual cannot be confident in the well-being of tomorrow;
the presence in the personal history of a psychotraumatic situation for the occurrence of which the person took the blame;
perfectionism – an individual’s tendency to perform all actions perfectly;
characteristics of the personal portrait: vulnerability, impressionability, suspiciousness, anxiety;
dependent style of personality behavior, when a person overreacts to criticism addressed to him and strives to conform not to his own ideals, but to the norms of society;
learned helplessness of a person - a lack of initiative and desire to act due to the fact that in childhood he was subjected to excessive care from his parents, as a result of which a tendency was formed to do nothing at all in life.

How to get rid of self-doubt: ways to overcome shyness
In order to permanently solve the problem of how to overcome self-doubt, we need to admit the fact: such a quality does not allow us to reveal our abilities, achieve recognition and success, and be in harmonious relationships with society. Awareness of one's own shortcomings is a mandatory measure for the consistency and purposefulness of successive steps to develop self-confidence. We remember that any event is doomed to failure if we have doubts about the need for change, there is no true motivation for change. When starting to transform our indecision into confidence, it is necessary to take into account: we must act consistently and persistently, without expecting a miraculous effect in the first days. To eliminate our complexes, a system of simple steps created by experienced psychologists will help us. So, let's begin the program to build a high degree of confidence. Step 1 How to increase self-confidence? An excellent assistant for this is autogenic training, which involves self-hypnosis by reading affirmations. Affirmations are short positive statements written in the form of an affirmative sentence in the first person. We are compiling our own list of pleasant speech structures in which we present our idea of ourselves as a confident person. Examples of such templates:

I am confident in my abilities.
I have enormous creative potential.
I successfully use my skills and knowledge.
I achieve high results in my endeavors.
I evoke sympathy, respect and recognition from others.

Step 2 To overcome uncertainty, we need to remember and mentally relive situations where we were decisive and fearless, thanks to which we achieved success. This could be a triumphant performance in front of a school group or a victory in a competition. We should try not only to mentally imagine a visual picture of our own success, but also to feel our feelings at that moment: joy, inspiration, jubilation. We record the feelings that arise in our consciousness. We return to this exercise every day. Step 3 How to develop confidence? We study our inner world. Our goal: to write down your own fears on a piece of paper as honestly and objectively as possible. In the process of analysis, we must discover the harmful components of our subconscious program, on which destructive thinking is built. What irrational fears prevent you from gaining confidence? These pests include:

pathological fear of being unaccepted and rejected by society;
fear of being rejected or being criticized;
a feeling of one’s own defectiveness and inadequacy.

Even the most severe fear, “clothed” in material form, that is, transferred to paper, loses its global significance and is perceived by a person differently: not as internal sensations, but as an external agent.
By reducing or completely eliminating our illogical worries, we can become confident, independent people. Step 4 Since self-doubt and low self-esteem are two berries from the same bush, we need to take measures to correct the opinion about ourselves. The easiest way to improve self-esteem: every day, set aside ten minutes in the morning and the same amount before bed to “sing the praises” of your loved one. We retire, sit in front of the mirror, straighten our drooping shoulders, raise our heads and address compliments to ourselves. Step 5 How to increase confidence? We remember that a frequent accompaniment of uncertainty is the conscious avoidance of situations where we can become objects of everyone's attention and receive praise. What to do when we are embarrassed to hear words of recognition from others? At first, you will have to apply “violent coercion” to yourself. When we are addressed with pleasantries, we take our eyes off the floor and direct our gaze to the interlocutor. We don’t try to make excuses, look for counterarguments and reduce our significance, saying: “This is not my merit,” “It happened by chance.” We listen carefully to the speaker and answer: “Thank you for your kind words,” “Your opinion is important to me,” “Thank you, in the future I will make even more efforts.” Over time, the ability to accept compliments with dignity will become a habit, and fear will drop out on its own. Step 6 Uncertainty and the inability to say a firm “no” are two sides of the coin. Quite often, we are afraid to refuse others, we allow others to climb on our necks and act to the detriment of our interests in order to please others. We acquire a useful quality: to defend our opinion and refuse unpleasant and unnecessary things. It will be difficult to say “no” at first, but by practicing saying “no” day after day, we will gain such an indispensable skill and get rid of self-doubt. Step 7 A common cause of uncertainty is an existing external locus of control. We are accustomed to attributing our own failures and mistakes to the negative effects of environmental factors. Instead of placing responsibility for the situation on ourselves and admitting that we have failed somewhere, we blame external circumstances. We need to change our beliefs and take personal responsibility for our actions and their consequences. Thus, having a strong volitional sphere, we will be able to control and manage the processes of our reality. Do not wait for a favorable combination of circumstances, but independently lay the ground for your own achievements. The reward will be our determination and confidence, because the person who makes her own way to a happy future cannot be considered weak-willed. Step 8 To overcome insecurity, we must not bury our heads in the sand like ostriches and avoid contact with others. On the contrary, by all means we must expand our social circle, make new acquaintances and use all opportunities for interpersonal interaction. We should learn not only to correctly and confidently express our point of view out loud, but also to adequately perceive the opinion of our interlocutor. To improve communication skills and develop our speaking talents, we can take part in psychological trainings. Step 9 The main culprit of self-doubt is negative qualities and properties, such as: excessive self-criticism, excessive demands on oneself, the desire to do everything ideally, self-flagellation for the slightest mistake. We set ourselves unattainable goals, make impossible demands on ourselves, and choose a road with the most difficult obstacles. Another common negative trait: the tendency to compare yourself to other people. At the same time, we always find that we are somehow worse, unworthy, stupid. We deny our individuality and strive to become as similar as possible to unreal idols created through the efforts of image makers. We do not allow ourselves to show our characteristics; we never encourage or pamper ourselves. We are ready to humiliate ourselves in front of others, so long as we are not considered a “black sheep.” That is, what actually prevents us from becoming confident is the lack of love and respect for our own personality. Therefore, only by gaining self-respect and accepting individuality can we get rid of insecurity. Step 10 For many people, having a loyal and positive friend nearby helps them gain confidence. A close person is a reliable rear. He is able to support you in difficult times, share vital energy, motivate you to achieve, and guide you on the right path. Therefore, we should not refuse offers of friendship. We should strive to meet our soulmate, with whom we will feel comfortable and shyness, timidity, and indecisiveness will disappear. Step 11 By changing one single thing in our thinking, we can solve the problem of self-doubt forever. We should get rid of pessimism and a negative assessment of reality. Look at the real world with a calm, friendly, positive look. Do not condemn current events and do not make white black. Accept yourself and the world around you as it exists now. Notice the positive aspects and ignore the negative ones. Associate with positive optimists and avoid cynical pessimists. Step 12 To get rid of insecurity, you need to become a kind and generous person. Strive to do good to others. Help those in need and protect the disadvantaged. Good deeds improve our self-esteem. Recognizing that we belong to a circle of good people who are ready to do good deeds will relieve us of shyness. Step 13 Often the ground under one’s feet is knocked out by a person’s “global preoccupation”: the burden of consciousness with numerous tasks, affairs, responsibilities. The presence of several incompatible and difficult to achieve goals in an individual. A person’s development of an action program for decades to come, the presence of ideas that are not feasible in reality. Trying to accomplish several things at the same time, a person naturally experiences some failures. As a result, one gives up and loses self-confidence. Therefore, we set a real goal for ourselves, having achieved which we move further on the path of personal growth. Step 14 What prevents us from being decisive is the wrong position in life - focusing on the problem itself, instead of the necessary search for ways to resolve it. You definitely shouldn’t focus your attention on difficulties and complain about them to others. Complaining: “How fat I am!” will not change your build, while proper nutrition will give your body an attractive shape. This phenomenon also applies to psychological characteristics. Therefore, we stop crying about our shyness and develop determination. Step 15 Investing in your own development is the right strategy for getting rid of uncertainty. Literacy, erudition, broad outlook have always been the person’s virtues. Therefore, we deepen our knowledge in the professional field, study other fields, become experts in culture and history, and read literature on psychology. The abyss of wisdom will increase our capabilities and help us gain confidence.

Summary

Shyness and self-consciousness can be overcome on your own. The whole secret can be expressed in just two sentences: you first need to change your attitude towards your previously acquired experience of shyness. Next, you must learn to shift your attention to what is happening around you. This way you will finally get rid of shyness. It is only important to systematically, day after day, apply the tips described in this article in practice.

Good luck!

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Published: 07/15/2014 Date of last edit: 04/25/2019 Author: Alexey Korneev