Society accepts children’s whims quite tolerantly - he’s small, and when he grows up, he’ll understand! There is some wisdom in this, since the nervous system of babies really undergoes significant changes in the first years of life; with whims, a baby can “signal” to others his fatigue, tension, dissatisfaction, disagreement with something, his poor physical condition if he is sick.
However, an overly capricious child can undermine the nervous system not only of parents and others, but also of himself.
The famous children's doctor Evgeny Komarovsky tells what to do if a child is capricious, and whether it is possible to correct his behavior.
A 3-4 year old child constantly cries and is capricious.. What to do?
Author: admin · Published 02/26/2016 · Updated 06/06/2019
Children aged 3-4 years are quite independent people: they attend kindergarten and prefer activities to their liking. Plus, they are old enough to communicate their needs. Then where do the hysterics and whims that worry parents so much come from? What should tired mothers do if a three- or four-year-old baby constantly cries and is naughty?
The age of three is a fertile time for the emotional and cognitive development of children. They gain new experience, understand more and, at the same time, experience conflicts acutely. All these problems are superimposed by the crisis of three years, when previously docile children become whiny, capricious and obstinate, flatly refusing to comply with the demands of adults. They often behave ugly: they stomp their feet, cry, scream, and throw objects that are within their reach.
Why do children start “pulling strings”?
We, parents, often teach ourselves how to manipulate by saying phrases like: “Should I buy you toys? Then clean up your room” or “Do you love me? Then do it my way." We set an example and they follow it.
Children often play with the feelings of their parents, relying on the opinions of their grandparents. Which, for example, do not approve of children being too strict towards their grandchildren, and they begin to extract maximum benefit for themselves.
The most popular option is that mom and dad don’t have the same requirements. Mom says: “Okay, go for a walk,” and dad scolds: “Homework first, and only then play!” Naturally, the child chooses the one who is on his side. And in case of refusal, he turns to the adult who will fulfill his wish.
Causes of children's tears and whims
Many parents do not understand why their child constantly cries and is capricious. And the sources of such behavior usually lie on the surface, but they cannot always be immediately recognized.
- The baby demands your attention, he lacks communication with his parents, he wants to see evidence of his own “need”. The desire for maternal love and affection is a child’s basic need.
- Being capricious, children want to get what they want , for example, a gift, sweets, permission to go for a walk - something that mothers and fathers do not allow for reasons incomprehensible to children.
- The child protests against parental dictate and excessive care, demonstrating a desire to become independent and independent. This is typical for authoritarian parenting methods. Remember how often you tell your son or daughter: “Quickly put on that sweater,” “Stop looking around.”
- Crying and whims can occur without an obvious reason. Perhaps the baby was overtired, did not get enough sleep, or watched a family quarrel. Many components influence a child’s mood, so you need to analyze them all.
Let's look at each option in more detail and find out what parents should do if a 3-4 year old child is constantly capricious and crying.
Desire to communicate
The advice is both simple and complex: if you want to avoid tears and whims, spend more time with your children. Of course, parents often do not have enough time for close and full communication with their child. But the main thing here is not the number of minutes, but their quality . There is no need to give up household chores; communicate with your child in the process of implementing them.
Organize common holidays and family gatherings more often. In addition to the traditional feast, come up with interesting entertainment and competitions for all family members. Another way is to go to a circus, an amusement park, or go out of town. There would be a desire, but there are plenty of options to have fun with your family.
Reaction to prohibitions
The baby should have the opportunity to explore the world around him. Your task is to help, and not interfere with children's curiosity. To do this, you need to set clear boundaries of what is permitted , streamline the requirements and reduce the number of prohibitions, leaving only the most important ones . They usually relate to child safety and must be followed strictly.
Make your child a helper in homework by presenting new responsibilities in a playful way. Are you preparing lunch? Invite your baby to wash vegetables or “feed” the cookie. Do you wash your clothes? Give him a basin and offer to wash your blouse. There are several advantages to joint business ventures. Firstly, you control the actions of your child. Secondly, you can explain to him the danger of household items.
Self-affirmation
A child of 3-4 years old begins to perceive parental care not only as a manifestation of love, but also as a suppression of independence and an annoying hindrance. At this age, children require a kind of balance of care and freedom. You don’t want to raise a “comfortable” child who causes little trouble, but doesn’t strive for achievements himself?
For example, a three-year-old behaves badly at lunch: he refuses porridge, demands other dishes, pushes away the mug of jelly. If you force him, he will continue to be capricious, and this is not far from full-fledged hysteria. Accept that he is now an independent person and has the right to choose both the list of dishes and the serving size. Believe me, he will definitely not die of hunger.
Implicit reasons for whims
Children are born with different types of nervous systems. “Stronger” babies are resistant to irritants and do not cry over every little thing. A child with an unstable nervous system is vulnerable; his reaction to troubles and difficulties is too emotional.
In such children, minor pain causes hysterics, a lump in the porridge leads to vomiting, and too many impressions during the day deprive them of sleep. Whims and tears are a constant companion for three- and four-year-old melancholics. Parents should prevent the occurrence of hysterics, and in case of prolonged stress, they should seek advice from a neurologist or psychologist.
Parental nerves
Don't consider yourself omnipotent. You may be tired, offended, and nervous about your children. This is absolutely normal. You can verify this by reading the article “How to love your child if he is annoying.” It is impossible to be in a good mood all the time. Especially if you work, do housework, raise children and do a bunch of other things. Of course, you get tired and need rest. Here you are faced with a simple task - to resolve your negative feelings towards the baby.
Allowing them to yourself does not mean showing it to him. It is very important.
Try to explain that mom is tired and now she needs to rest. Dad doesn't feel well, so it's better not to pester him with games. Explain why. To say that dad cannot play may well mean for a child that dad does not want to play with him. Be as specific and clear as possible. Dad is sick, he has a high temperature and a headache. When he gets better, he will definitely play with you.
It is very important here to feel the boundary between your needs and the children's needs. Neither you nor he can come to the fore. Often parents believe that their concerns are much more important. No. The baby is a member of the family like everyone else. Therefore, his concerns should be of equal importance. Don't put too much emphasis on one side or the other. Learn to hear each other.
What to do?
If a 3-4 year old child is constantly naughty, analyze all the above reasons and try to eliminate them. Try to prevent the occurrence of stressful situations.
If whining does start, try to switch your baby’s interest to something else.
“Look what huge tears are pouring from your eyes. Let’s put them in a jar,” says one inventive mom.
Offer your little one a new subject or an interesting activity: watch together or read your favorite book. Communicating together will help him feel your love and eliminate unconstructive ways of attracting parental attention.
Stubborn age
A capricious child shows his first protests at 2-3 years old; this is an important emotional development. Psychologists call this time the “three-year crisis.” Children 3-4 years old try to separate their own “I” from their mother. The speech of a three-year-old is not yet developed, so kids use other ways to show emotions and stubbornness: screaming, crying, falling on the floor and damaging property. Hysterics become more frequent. This is the best time to rebuild the system of relationships in the family and adjust parenting methods.
Why does “I don’t want” appear?
The grandmother’s tantrums of a small child are best explained: “Why is your child being capricious again? You’ve been spoiled, so now he’s playing with you as he wants!” Some parents really follow their child’s lead in order to keep up with modern ri or “Wear whatever you want, just don’t cry!” In such situations, the child quickly understands that with hysteria and stubbornness he can get his parents to fulfill his desires. To solve the problem of whims, it is important to understand their true cause. Sometimes parents mistake the child’s reaction to excessive parental demands as whims. Often the child really does not know how to fulfill this or that parent’s requirement.
Standard reasons
Why do we so often encounter whims? There are several visible causes of tantrums in children:
- Testing parents' strength. The baby's first tantrums frighten mom and dad. By repeating them over and over again, the baby, according to all the laws of psychology, checks the reaction of the parents and determines the boundaries of what is permitted: how will mom react if she turns over a plate of soup, what will happen if she bites dad in anger? Hysterics are a way to test the authority of elders and how serious parental prohibitions are.
- Fear of innovation. Sensitive and emotional children require a special approach. Such children are afraid of everything new. A new dish, or “moving” to your crib may be accompanied by tears and categorical denial. A capricious two-year-old child does not agree to go to a new playground - promise that you will be next to him and play in the sandbox together. Feeling safe, the baby will definitely compromise.
- Usual refusal. Occurs at older ages. Over the first few years of life, parents are accustomed to deciding absolutely everything for the baby: what to wear, what to eat, when to go to bed. At the age of four, a child can already determine whether he likes this or that outfit or dish, and what he doesn’t like at all. If the opinions of the baby and the mother do not coincide, a protest may arise. Perhaps it's time to listen to your child on some issues?
Consequences of education
- The result of overprotection. Some parents strive to protect their child from various life problems: mothers and grandmothers spoon-feed their child for a long time, and only use a stroller for walks. Attempts to encourage such a child to be independent are met with protest. In this case, the whims of a small child are associated with the fact that he does not understand why the mother does not fulfill her “direct responsibilities” - she stopped feeding the little one and dressing him.
- An attempt to attract attention. By the age of two, children already understand perfectly well what needs to be done to attract parental attention. If adults every time feel sorry for the baby after hysterics, then soon stamping feet and screaming will become frequent guests in this house. A capricious two-year-old child understands perfectly well that with his behavior he instantly attracts the attention of adults.
For some children, hysterics are the best way to attract attention to themselves.
Psychologist's advice
Do not place excessive demands on your child. His inner feeling that he will not cope with your expectations, resistance to demands that he cannot yet fulfill due to his age, cause a response that manifests itself in hysteria and childish whims.
Follow the daily routine, make sure that the child gets enough rest, does not get overtired, and does not spend too much time at the computer or in front of the TV. If a child has a tendency towards increased capriciousness, the best leisure time for him is active games in the fresh air.
Teach your child to verbalize his emotions and feelings. To do this, from a very early age you should show your child how to do this and regularly practice simple exercises. “I’m upset because I can’t draw an elephant,” “When there’s a thunderstorm, I’m very scared,” “When I’m afraid, I want to hide,” and so on. By the age of three or four, this will help the child form the habit of speaking in words about what he needs, what does not suit him, and not throwing tantrums with screams and screams.
How to deal with whims?
Overcoming the whims of a small child can be difficult. This is especially obvious when the mother is in a hurry, and the baby is still busy with something and is not going to go anywhere. The child, seeing irritation, will be even more stubborn. In most cases, the conflict ends in favor of the adults, and the child, through tears and nerves, still gets ready and follows his mother. If such situations are repeated, it is time to change the rules of communication in the family and teach the child to express his emotions in a more effective and adult way - with words. The most important thing in overcoming whims is parental self-control. Don't raise your voice, this will only intensify the rebellion. Try not to be nervous so as not to show your son or daughter your helplessness. If you want to calm down faster, think about how courageous and determined your baby has become. He defends his opinion and is already arguing with an adult.
Advice from psychologists
There are several rules that will help you cope with such a difficult transitional age. Tips to help “unwilling” mothers deal with outbursts of stubbornness:
- Check your requirements for the baby; perhaps some requests are really too high. Maybe the baby is already able to decide which sweater to wear outside, or he really doesn’t like tomato juice.
- It is necessary to develop a clear system of prohibitions. For the first time, 4-5 strict “no’s” are enough. For example, you cannot approach street dogs or a lit stove, as well as other age-appropriate prohibitions. The rules are not violated under any pretext. These “don’ts” must be confirmed by all family members, including grandparents.
- It is difficult for a child to follow parental instructions every day: to prevent the child from rebelling, offer him options: “Which toy should we take for a walk, an elephant or a car?” Ask your child for advice and he will be happy to compromise.
- Develop independence in children. You should not do for your child what he can do himself. Instead of dressing your child, instruct him to put on his own pants. It is better to go for a walk 15 minutes later, but let the baby dress himself.
- Don't react to your child's whims. The best way to overcome a tantrum is to ignore it. At home, you can leave your child in the room and do other things. Without increased attention, the baby will calm down much faster. If a tantrum catches you among people, you need to try to find a secluded place away from the annoying environment as quickly as possible, then switch the baby’s attention to something more interesting.
- Analyze the situation. Every outburst of stubbornness is an unfulfilled need of the baby. At such a young age, children cannot want something bad. Maybe a capricious baby simply lacks attention or communication - adults should think about this.
- Praise your child for behavior that you like. Praise sincerely, describing all the good things the baby has done.
Break the usual script
Here are some common situations that parents face and how to deal with them.
1. Makes parents emotional. After their outbursts of anger, he cries and gets offended. Mom or dad feel guilty for not holding back. And the child gets what he wants.
What to do: Do not be fooled by provocations, try not to get excited, make it clear that the child’s behavior is inappropriate, and only then, when both parties have calmed down, begin a constructive dialogue.
2. Throws tantrums in the store. It’s easier for a parent to give in, because no one likes to be shown in an unfavorable light in the eyes of other people.
What to do: Think about what is more important to you - public opinion or the development of your child. If the latter, then we recommend ignoring the screams and being adamant in your demand. He will tantrum once or twice, will not achieve what he wants, and the pattern of behavior will be broken.
3. Pretends to be helpless. “Mom, I can’t do it,” “I can’t study my homework because I really want to sleep.”
What to do: We encourage independence, set time frames. “Put on the tights yourself, you have 10 minutes.” It would be great if this requirement is made by all family members, including grandmother. And no conventions (“I’ll give you candy later”).
4. Feigns illness. “Mom and Dad will do anything for me if I end up sick.” Children show weakness, headache...
What to do: Say you are going to see a doctor. The child is usually reluctant to go for an examination, and it will immediately become clear to you whether he is really sick.
5. Flattering. They give compliments, hug the parent, kiss. But not sincerely, but with the goal of getting what you want.
What to do: The child will stop constantly tugging at you if you already unconditionally accept him. Love him for what he is. And convey to him the idea that he is very loved, that it is interesting to be with him.
Evening whims
If a child is capricious and cries in the evening, or hysterics begin before going to bed, this indicates that the baby is emotionally overexcited. Emotions accumulated during the day do not allow you to quickly relax and fall asleep. This especially applies to hyperactive and excitable children. Often evening tears occur in children who refuse daytime sleep. To avoid evening whims, you can adhere to the following recommendations:
- Be sure to go for walks together during the day. Evening walks (1-1.5 hours before bedtime) have a beneficial effect on sleep.
- Ventilate your child's room before going to bed. The optimal air temperature in a children's room, according to Dr. Komarovsky, is 18-22 degrees.
- Three hours before bedtime, do not allow your child to play active games: hide and seek, chase. You shouldn't watch cartoons at night.
How to outwit a capricious person?
Most parents try to stop their kids from being naughty. There are several ways to outwit and calm a little whim:
- Talk to me, buddy! When all the arguments have been exhausted, and the child is still capricious, try using a figurehead. A baby’s favorite toy is the best helper. Take a bunny or bear in your hand and speak on its behalf: “Hello, baby! You are so sad! I’m sad too, let’s go for a walk?” After a couple of sentences, the baby will begin to listen. This is the easiest way to stop the whims of a two-year-old child.
- Change the subject. If you feel that a protest is brewing and the child desperately does not want to do something, there is no need to fight, it is better to just change the subject. Ask your child who he played with on the playground, about new friends, interesting Easter cakes, remember the dog. A couple of minutes of enthusiastic conversation is enough to switch attention, and then again remember about water procedures.
A toy may act as a mother’s assistant, which will dispel the baby’s capricious mood
Alternative Methods
When standard ways to calm your baby don't help, you can try something new. There are alternative methods to prevent tantrums:
- It's the other way around. The best way to treat your baby to something healthy is to tell him that he can’t eat it. For example, how to treat a child to fish? Under any pretext, lure your child into the kitchen and pretend that you don’t notice him, but at the same time you are eating something. When you see the baby, hide the plate. Such activities will certainly interest the child and show interest in food. If you want to take your child to the park, say that it’s impossible to go to the park today. This way you can prevent your child’s whims.
- The holiday of disobedience. It's hard to live under restrictions all the time. From time to time, arrange holidays for your child. One weekend, tell your child that today he can do whatever he wants. On this day, agree with your child on the menu, time and place of the walk, and, if possible, give a small gift. In the evening, have a heart-to-heart talk with your child, ask if he liked today. Promise to organize such holidays once a week, but on the condition that on the remaining days the baby will obey (we recommend reading: why does the child not obey and what to do?). The whims of a small child will become more rare.
- Pillow fights. A capricious child cannot express negative emotions. If there is no way out of the situation, challenge the child to “fight.” To do this, you will need 2 small pillows or soft toys. With the help of a five-minute “fight”, the baby will throw out aggression, all grievances will be forgotten.
Following these rules and focusing on the baby’s mood, the mother will always be able to come to an agreement with the little capricious one. Dealing with outbursts of stubbornness at the very beginning is much easier than calming a child after a tantrum.
About the importance of the problem
Let's consider what is associated with regular whims, disobedience and hysterics at 2.5-3 years old.
First of all, it is increased nervous excitability. Moreover, in some children it is observed from birth and represents personality traits, in others it arises with age under the influence of external factors (both the education system as a whole and specific events). Such behavior can be observed on an ongoing basis or represent attacks that occur as a response to psycho-emotional stress that accumulates over time. It is extremely important for parents to understand these factors and solve the underlying problem, otherwise all this will carry over into adulthood and become the reason that the matured child will be considered nervous, intemperate, even aggressive.
It is interesting that some children are constantly hysterical, wanting to manipulate their parents, to force them to “dance to their tune.” Babies do something similar, trying to get their mother’s attention at any cost. Older children, at 2.7 years old, become much more cunning - they understand how others will react to one or another of their actions, and often very skillfully subjugate their parents.
How to understand whether it is a whim or a crisis?
A whim is an unpredictable, sudden desire to get something.
For example, a baby wants a car, doesn’t get it, cries and therefore gets upset very loudly. Then he switches to a chocolate bar, gets it - and everything is fine. With a crisis, everything is not so simple. With him everything is much more complicated; simply switching attention will not give much results. During a crisis, a child wants to do everything his own way. He believes that his opinion is not accepted, people do not agree with him. For such a child, “in his own way” means the opposite of the wishes of others. That is, it doesn’t matter at all what he really wants, the main thing is to contradict everything that they tell you. Do not do it the way you even want. Check it out for yourself by asking your little one if he wants candy. In a crisis, he will first blurt out the standard answer “no,” but as if he wants to say “yes.” And if you offer him candy again after that, you can be sure that you will see a nervous and capricious 2-year-old child . Or here’s another living example: the baby wanted to turn on the washing machine, but his mother turned it on a little earlier. When she saw that the child was crying, she immediately turned it off and gave him the opportunity to turn it on himself. But he refuses this and continues to be nervous and capricious. The child still wants to do it, but does not press because he has already been allowed to do so. Thus, the difference is visible in both cases, but is not so obvious and, most importantly, sometimes the mother no longer knows what to do.
What reasons make a child capricious?
From birth, a child is a blank slate and the development of his personality directly depends on the upbringing given by his parents. Any manifestations of emotions, both positive and negative, are a reflection of the internal state of the little one. The reasons why a child becomes capricious are as follows.
Physiological imbalance
At an early age, the baby is not yet aware of his feelings, so he does not always understand that the reason for his capricious mood is illness, hunger, fatigue or fever. It is the “overwhelm” of the psyche with emotions caused by a physiological imbalance in the body that becomes the cause of children’s hysterics and dejected behavior.
Family microclimate
When the baby begins to understand what is going on around and feel other people's emotions, then the reason for capricious behavior may be hidden in the information received from the outside. In other words, an unstable microclimate in the family, with constant quarrels and scandals, has a great impact on the baby. He expresses his protest with hysterics. Therefore, parents need to create an environment of love, calm and consistency. And if you really want to quarrel, then do it while the baby is away. Very often a baby becomes capricious when the family is preparing for the arrival of a new addition. To avoid conflicts in the future, it is necessary to properly prepare the older toddler for the arrival of a newborn. Read how to do this in the article “Jealousy of an older child: how to avoid it? Tips to help raise a psychologically stable personality!”
Excessive care and spoiling
Every parent wants to protect their child from all the difficulties and troubles of the outside world. We make decisions for him and protect him from the first childhood difficulties. We try to shower them with gifts, showing our love. Such actions of “blowing away specks of dust” lead to the fact that the little one does not know what independence is and is “in no hurry” to grow up. He understands that with capricious antics you can achieve whatever you want. Pampering often becomes the cause of children's tears.
How do whims manifest themselves depending on age?
The manifestation of his whims depends on the age of the child. According to psychologists, each age should have its own approach to a child and age-related changes must be taken into account in education.
Let's try to figure out how whims manifest themselves depending on the age of the baby.
1. Children under one year old. A child of this age attracts attention by crying. Such crying cannot be called whims, since he does not yet know how to speak, but calls “for help” by screaming when he is hungry, something hurts, or his diaper is wet. When negative factors are eliminated, the baby calms down and stops crying. For more information about the needs of children in the first year of life, read the article “Komarovsky: children under one year of age.”
2. Children from one to two years old. After a year, the baby understands perfectly well that all he has to do is cry, and his mother will immediately fulfill his every wish. The concept of “no” does not yet exist for a child, and each refusal leads to another cry. This behavior is provoked by parents who, under the “pressure” of the child’s hysterics, allow them to do today what was impossible yesterday.
3. Children from two to three years old. This age still allows you to prevent whims by switching your attention to something else. Being distracted, the baby forgets why he cried. Also, we already have our own foundations and there is an awareness of what is possible and what is not. As a reward for obedience, you can buy your child a toy, and the article will help you choose the right one: “TOP 10 useful toys for children aged 2 to 5 years.”
4. Children after three years. The child’s character has already been formed and self-esteem appears. At three years old, it is slightly overestimated, because before that the whole world revolved around him. It is at this age that the crisis of three years (crisis of age) occurs. Very often, conflict situations between a child and parents or between him and peers in kindergarten cause whims (falling on the floor, throwing something), which force parents to seriously think about what to do with their child. You can read how to prepare your baby for the society that awaits him in kindergarten in the article: “How to prepare your baby for life in kindergarten?”
5. Children after five years of age. Now crying, screaming and stamping your feet are “weapons” against parents that work great in public places. He skillfully uses such methods of influence and achieves his goal. Screaming and physical force will not get rid of such manifestations; a subtle approach is needed here. You can use the “puzzle the cub” technique and purchase a pet that he will need to look after. If you choose this method, the article will help you: “What kind of dog to give to a child.”
When to see a doctor
Most often, parents take their capricious, disobedient and hysterical child to see a pediatrician with this problem at the age of 4. Until this age, they justify children’s “concerts” by early age-related crises, individual behavioral characteristics, the child’s temperament and other reasons. However, according to Komarovsky, at the age of 4-5 it is already quite difficult to solve a neglected pedagogical problem, which undoubtedly exists.
Parents should be wary of certain features of the child’s behavior during the active phase of hysteria.
If the baby makes a “hysterical bridge”, in which he arches his back and extremely tenses all his muscles, if he experiences holding his breath with loss of consciousness, for her own reassurance it is better for the mother to show the child to a pediatric neurologist and visit a child psychologist.
In general, the physical manifestations of hysteria in a child can be different, including convulsions, clouding of consciousness, and short-term impairment of speech functions. In some cases, such reactions may indicate not only the child’s sensitivity and temperament, but also certain diseases of a neurological and psychiatric nature. If in doubt, go to a specialist doctor. If nothing else happens except holding your breath while yelling, Komarovsky advises to deal with it simply - you should blow in the face of the hysterical person, he will reflexively stop yelling and take a deep breath, breathing will return to normal.
