A capricious child: why so, reasons, what to do

Illness or personality traits?

If a child is very nervous, this can affect the quality of life of both him and those around him. This term usually means tearfulness, excitability, sleep problems, disobedience, irritability, and hysteria. It is very difficult to make contact with nervous children, since such a child reacts to any remark or suggestion with violent hysterics and protests. Psychological practice shows that most problems lie in improper upbringing in early childhood.

Naughty and nervous children are such intertwined concepts that sometimes it can be difficult to understand the essence of the problem without the help of qualified specialists. Among the most common reasons for children's disobedience are the following:

1. The desire to attract attention. This affects children who are to some extent deprived of parental warmth and affection. The child notices that when he commits any negative actions, he receives the missing parental emotions, which he uses in the future.
2. The desire to free yourself from many restrictions set by parents. This applies to those children who are subject to strict control on a daily basis.

3. Revenge. Children from a very young age can take revenge, often doing it unconsciously. This behavior may be a response to parental divorce, unfair punishment, or failure to keep promises.

Only in last place are disorders of the child’s nervous system.

A capricious child - what to do?

There is not a single small child who does not cry, and every mother has had to deal with such a phenomenon as whims . It is quite natural that small children cry for seemingly any reason. After all, when the baby doesn’t even know how to talk yet, how can he express all his emotions differently? More experienced mothers who have two or more children eventually understand what exactly needs to be done to calm their screamer as quickly as possible. But there are also mothers who believe that the child should stop screaming and calm down on his own. But how steely must be the nerves of a mother who can calmly listen for a long time to the heartbreaking cries of her own child. This is the wrong logic, or rather the lack of it, because if a baby cries, it means he needs something and he still doesn’t know how to communicate it in any other way.

First of all, you need to learn to understand your child, what exactly can cause his crying. Perhaps the baby would like to say that he is not full enough or is thirsty, or maybe he is overtired and would like to sleep. Pay attention to how your child is dressed. He may be hot or, conversely, cold. But there are also situations when, it would seem, everything is in order, the child is full and has had enough sleep, but is still capricious. This may mean that the baby is simply bored. Keep your child busy with some games. Nowadays, stores offer a huge range of exciting toys even for the little ones.

• Every time you choose a toy in a store, always think about whether it will be interesting for your child, and not based on whether you liked it.
• Perhaps the surest way to calm a crying child is to lure him with something interesting to him: a toy, some kind of joint game with his mother or other family members.
• Children also calm down well in the fresh air and on the street, and there are many interesting things for the little discoverer. The effect of air hardening has a positive effect on the baby’s health, strengthening it and increasing the body’s immunity. It is not at all necessary to be at home all the time if you have a small child. This does not prevent you from going, for example, to visit your grandmother or friends who also have small children. Kids are always interested in spending time together.
• The mother’s behavior itself plays an important role in such situations. If the mother is calm, then her child will feel it too. Communicate with your baby using a calmer tone that encourages your child to relax rather than irritate.

But you should also definitely take into account the fact that if a child cries and is capricious all the time, and nothing helps, then in this case it is advisable to show the child to a pediatrician - a neurologist. There is nothing unusual in this, and if you do this at an early age, then in the future, your child can avoid health problems.

Mental development of a child

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Published on October 20, 2014 in the category Education

Childhood neuroses

The psyche of a small child is very fragile and subject to outside influence. Against the background of numerous prohibitions, stressful situations and lack of attention, neuroses can form. This is a neuropsychiatric disorder that is characterized by the appearance of unusual psychosomatic and behavioral symptoms. Children are often nervous precisely because of the occurrence of neuroses.

The peak development of the pathological condition is considered to be the age of 5-6 years, when the child begins to behave inappropriately. In some cases, neuroses appear as early as 2-3 years of age.

Causes of neuroses

Psychologists identify the following prerequisites for the development of a pathological condition:

• situations that are traumatic to the psyche (alcohol or drug addiction of one of the parents, divorce, use of corporal punishment on a child, conflict situations with peers, adaptation to kindergarten or school);
• severe fear;
• negative atmosphere between parents;
• the birth of another child in the family.

Also, a child 2 or more years old can become nervous due to the death of a relative or getting into a car accident.

Symptoms of mental disorder

The first signs of disturbances in the functioning of the child’s nervous system can be considered the following manifestations:

• the emergence of fears and anxiety;
• insomnia and spontaneous interruptions of sleep in the middle of the night;
• restless state;
• reluctance to communicate with other children, isolation;
• coughing that does not go away for a long period of time;
• urinary and fecal incontinence, especially during sleep;
• stuttering;
• the appearance of obsessive movements.

Attentive parents will definitely notice some changes in the baby’s behavior. This may be excessive aggressiveness both towards other children and adults, irritability, hyperexcitability. All these manifestations give reason to contact doctors, since letting the situation take its course can result in negative consequences in the future for both parents and the child.

Mental development of a 3-year-old child article on the topic

Mental development of a child of the third year of life.

In the third year of life, the activity of all organs and psychological functions of the child continues to improve.

The performance of the nervous system increases, endurance increases, active wakefulness extends to 6-7 hours a day. The child may already restrain his emotions and not cry, even if he is in pain. He becomes more patient and can do one thing longer without distraction. Now it is difficult for the child to quickly switch from one type of activity to another, for example, immediately stop playing to go eat, or quickly answer even a well-known question. It becomes difficult to calm a child of this age by diverting his attention.

The child already needs to be explained the rules of behavior, and he himself strives to be good and be like you in everything. Unfortunately, it often happens like this: “Speak calmly, don’t shout,” a mother inspires her son, and a minute later the son hears his mother loudly scolding his father. Always make sure that your words do not conflict with your actions. The child sees everything, hears everything, remembers everything and imitates you in every detail. It can even imitate gait, especially as its motor development becomes more advanced. It improves qualitatively: there is greater consistency in the ability to control your body. Steps when walking become uniform, unnecessary movements disappear. The child is able to change the pace of walking, walk, for example, along a narrow board, stop, turn around, and run. He is successfully mastering the bicycle.

In the third year of life, fine motor skills improve, which allows the child to dress, undress, and wash himself; draw with a pencil, fasten buttons, eat carefully and use cutlery.

Sometimes children of two or three years old refuse to act independently, demanding to be fed, clothed, etc. It is necessary to understand the reasons for this behavior: if it is a whim, show firmness; if the child becomes bored, complicate the requirements for him in a timely manner. After all, he has an inherent interest in everything new, more complex and difficult. Don’t dwell on what your child has already learned, move on. Or maybe the child lacks your love, he is jealous of you and subconsciously strives to become “small”, helpless, to return to the time when his mother belonged entirely to him. Here, for example, is how my son expressed these feelings:

Psychologists call the third year in a child’s life a crisis year (three-year crisis), since it is a turning point in terms of the child’s awareness of himself as an individual. He consciously says “I”: “I don’t want to, I won’t!” He recognizes himself in the mirror and in photographs. The baby sometimes becomes stubborn. Often this happens because he was misunderstood, insulted, humiliated. You cannot spank a child at this age, as he becomes touchy. Now the child needs to explain everything.

The mother says to the baby: “Now you and I will go to the store, we need to buy groceries to cook lunch.” Without the ability to come to an agreement with a child - respecting him as an individual - your life can become very difficult, and unfavorable character traits will form in the child.

A child with a broken self may become obedient; he will obey you in everything, and when he leaves from under your “wing”, he will look for another, and it is not yet known whether it will turn out to be just as kind and loving. But in any case, a person will grow up with a weak will, with broken dignity, with inferiority complexes. Try to respect the desires, moods, interests of your child, but, as they say, within reason.

If you worked with your child correctly, then he, of course, understands you well and speaks better and better. By the age of three, the vocabulary reaches 1200-1300 words. The child uses almost all parts of speech, although not always correctly. Sound pronunciation becomes more perfect, but still has some defects. However, parents should no longer be touched by this, but tactfully correct the child.

At this age, the child’s speech becomes the main means of communication not only with adults, but also with children. A characteristic feature of the speech of a two- to three-year-old child is constant pronunciation and accompanying speech with all actions and play situations. It seems that the child does not shut up for a second. This often irritates parents and they even try to stop this flow of speech. Under no circumstances should this be done, because the child unconsciously trains his speech function and enriches his vocabulary.

The child’s numerous questions also require a lot of patience: how, why, when, why? These children's questions signify a leap in intellectual development: the child compares, contrasts, generalizes, and remembers.

As V. I. Garbuzov notes, if a child in the second half of the third year of life asked the question “why?”, he is unconditionally smart, since this means that the baby is thinking. He was interested in the causes of phenomena and their relationships. “Why is water flowing from the tap? Why is it snowing? Why is it getting dark outside? etc.

If you answer, delving deeply into what the child is interested in, he will also think deeply; you answer superficially, brushing it off - he will be superficial too.

The main developmental activity of a two- to three-year-old child is play. If in the previous age period the child played only with those objects that were in his field of vision, now he can play according to a preliminary plan, selecting toys or some objects in accordance with it.

For example, a child decided to build a garage out of cubes, where he would put a car, and when leaving the garage, the car would carry some kind of cargo, etc. The game now consists of a series of interconnected events, that is, it has a plot. This becomes possible thanks to the development of imagination, fantasy, and abstract thinking.

By the end of the third year of life, role-playing games become children's favorite games. The child takes on a certain role, posing as mom, dad, kindergarten teacher, and exactly repeats the pose, gestures, facial expressions, and speech. Therefore, in the presence of a child, pay attention to your behavior, your speech, gestures, etc. It is not for nothing that they say that children are a mirror of adults.

One of my friends easily learned how kindergarten teachers treated children, since her granddaughter, when she came home, acted out entire performances imitating their gestures, speech, postures, behavior, specifics of addressing children, etc.

But a child can no longer simply copy an adult (as was the case at the previous age stage), but play a certain role, that is, reincarnate, becoming either a driver, a doctor, or a salesman. The presence of role-playing play is an indicator of a new stage in the child’s mental development.

However, despite the critical importance of role-playing play for a child’s intellectual development, this situation cannot be forced. The child must be ready to move to a new stage of his development: his thinking and speech must be prepared for this.

Among mental operations the most important are:

1) naming the color, size, shape, location of an object in space (close, far);

2) grouping objects of the same color, shape, size;

3) comparison by color, shape, size, weight; by time (today, tomorrow, yesterday, late, later, now);

4) highlighting the basic properties of objects (shape, size, color);

5) coordination of hand movements and vision;

6) formation of numerical representations (many, few, one, two, less, more).

In communicating with adults, reading, games and developmental exercises, the child increasingly enriches his ideas about the world and gains knowledge:

1) about natural phenomena - the sun is shining, it is raining, snowing, thunder is thundering, there are clouds in the sky; today it’s cold, warm, hot, and more;

2) about the animal world - not only distinguishes and names domestic animals, but also has primary concepts about them;

3) about the plant world - distinguishes and names a flower, tree, grass, leaf, etc.;

4) about some labor actions: sawing wood, digging the ground, washing dishes, etc.

An important point in raising a child of the third year of life is the obligatory reinforcement of everything he sees with other methods. For example, you were with your child at the zoo - consolidate his impressions by looking at and discussing books with pictures about animals, try to draw the animals you saw with your child, depict the actions of some of them, etc.

It is impossible to list everything that needs to be developed in a two- to three-year-old child. But do not be alarmed, dear parents, by such a colossal amount of information that your baby needs for his normal development, and do not think that you do not have enough time for this. After all, everything should go naturally, and when and what to do with your child, he himself will tell you. Just watch your baby carefully, be wise and patient.

Treatment of neuroses

Therapy for pathological conditions of the nervous system is selected in a comprehensive manner. It is important to undergo a full examination with a psychologist, neurologist and other related specialists. Today there are the following methods for treating neuroses:

1. Psychotherapy is aimed at solving social problems that could cause neurosis. Sessions can take place with both parents and the child alone. The psychotherapist uses the following techniques for treatment: individual treatment, family session, art therapy, hypnosis, group sessions with children to improve their socialization.
2. Drug therapy includes herbal remedies with a calming effect, vitamin complexes, antidepressants, tranquilizers, and nootropic medications. Treatment is selected based on the established severity of the pathological process.
3. Folk remedies that are designed to calm the child’s nervous system are infusions of valerian, lemon balm, and motherwort.

As an additional therapy, communication with animals - dolphins, horses, dogs - can be used.

Nervous tics

Unfortunately, psychological problems do not end with neuroses. Doctors note that every nervous child from 3 to 18 years old can be nervous due to tics. There is evidence that almost every fifth child experienced such phenomena. For convenience, experts have divided the types of nervous tics into 3 groups:

1. Motor - biting lips, grimacing, involuntary twitching of the head or limbs.
2. Vocal - the child makes atypical sounds (coughing, howling, sniffling, grunting).
3. Ritual - actions include scratching the head, twitching the hair, clenching the jaw.

Depending on the degree of severity, there are local (one muscle group is involved) and mixed (nervous tics of several types at once).

Causes of nervous tics

Experts distinguish between primary and secondary pathological conditions. The first group is associated with the following factors:

• lack of important microelements such as magnesium and calcium in the body;
• emotional turmoil - stressful situations, severe punishment from parents, fear, lack of love and affection;
• loads on the central nervous system that arise from drinking large amounts of tea, coffee, and energy drinks. Most often this affects teenagers from 12 to 18 years old;
• overwork due to heavy academic loads, prolonged use of a computer, watching TV;
• unfavorable heredity.

Secondary nervous tics can develop against the background of serious diseases, such as:

• Tourette's syndrome;
• encephalitis;
• traumatic brain injuries, both closed (concussion) and open types;
• a brain tumor;
• congenital diseases of the nervous system.

Most often, nervous tics appear when the child is awake, while sleep can be called relatively calm.

Therapy for nervous tics

The condition requires medical attention in the following cases:

• the nervous tic did not go away on its own within a month;
• the pathology causes any inconvenience to the baby;
• severe symptoms or a combination of several types of tics.

In most cases, treatment of nervous tics in children is easy to treat if their causes were related to psychosomatics. In more severe cases, the problem may remain permanent.

Therapy for nervous tics of a psychological type is prescribed similar to the treatment of neuroses. It is necessary to select a set of sedative medications, as well as conduct several sessions with a qualified psychotherapist. In some cases, folk treatment in the form of soothing tinctures of valerian, lemon balm, motherwort or aromatherapy through baths with essential oils of lavender and mint is sufficient.

Capricious child and reasons

Firstly, it is necessary to understand the reason for any manifestation of whim . If suddenly in a store a child demands any sweets or toys, then you should not buy them and try to indulge him in this. Even if he fell over on the floor.

But if the baby wants to take the initiative in something, for example, to walk next to you in the store rather than sit in the shopping cart, tie his shoelaces or comb his hair himself, and the parents are in a hurry, then in this case the patience of an adult is required. There is no need to limit a child from trying to do something himself. Otherwise, the reason for the whim may be the child’s banal desire to do something without a parent, testing his strength and believing in himself!

Rules of conduct for parents

Nervous children are most often the fault of their own mothers and fathers. Psychologists advise that in order to get rid of problems, you need not only to show your baby to a specialist, but also to reconsider your own behavior model:

1. It is important to smooth out conflicts that arise during upbringing.
2. You should not demand from a child the same love for all relatives. Frequent questions about who the baby loves best can cause nervousness.
3. During a divorce, you should create the most comfortable conditions for the child, in which he will not feel guilty or deprived.
4. You should not indulge all the whims, otherwise the child will use manipulation as the only model of behavior in trying to achieve his goal.
5. Punishments for the child should be reviewed and perhaps reduced if they were too harsh. Also, punishments should be carried out alone with the child, without prying eyes.
6. The child’s psyche needs to be prepared in advance for the arrival of another family member. The baby must understand that with the birth of a brother or sister they will not love him less.
7. In communication you need to try to be equal with children. There is no need to try to humiliate or insult them.
8. You should take into account the mental and physical capabilities of the child and not demand impossible actions from him.

In addition, it is important not to show your own negative emotions in front of children, as kids can adopt this behavior model.

A 5-year-old child is very nervous: what to do?

All parents dream that their child will be ideal: obedient, calm and friendly. However, dreams do not always come true. Often mothers complain about the difficult character and improper behavior of their child. If a 5-year-old child is very nervous: what to do and how to solve this problem? Why is the baby constantly capricious, rude, angry and does nothing but throw hysteria after hysteria? First of all, it is necessary to understand the reasons for this behavior in order to understand how to react and correct the situation.

Most common reasons

There are many factors that can lead to nervous behavior in a child. Psychologists have identified several of the most common reasons that influence excessively violent expression of emotions in early childhood.

Physiological factors. For a child, the daily routine, nutrition and sleep, proportional physical activity are very important - all this must be properly organized so that the child develops and forms as a person. If all the conditions are provided, but the child is still constantly nervous, then the problem is in the relationship, which needs to be adjusted.

An attempt to attract attention. The problem for many children lies in the lack of time that parents can allocate to them. Sometimes a child simply does not know how to attract attention to himself and therefore resorts to constant hysterics and tears. In this case, the child develops an incorrect model of interaction with others: if I cry, it means they are giving me what I want. It is necessary that the child understands that you can receive a reward only by asking calmly. To do this, parents must create conditions for their child in which he will understand that it is not aggression and whims, but good behavior that will bring him what he wants.

Diffidence. Constant parental prohibitions and belittling dignity over trifles lead to a loss of confidence. You can’t always tell your child that he’s stupid or that he can’t do something. This will lead to constant whims and rudeness; in the worst case, the child will completely withdraw into himself.

The child wants to take revenge on the adults. This is not a matter of bad upbringing or wrong character. It's all about relationships, because children cannot forgive deception, they are offended by their parents' forgetfulness and are jealous of their peers. If parents notice that the child’s behavior has sharply worsened, they need to carefully think about what could have provoked or offended him. You can calmly talk to your baby and find out what happened.

Tips to help cope with a nervous child

Advice from psychologists will help to show more patience in situations when the child is nervous and does not listen. A respectful attitude will help cope with any hysteria.

Under no circumstances should you shout or hit a child, no matter what age he is. Such behavior will only make things worse with tears or resentment. It is important to regain trust so that the child understands that he is loved for who he is.

A parent must show by his personal example how to behave towards others. If adults behave incorrectly and constantly swear and humiliate each other, then it will be impossible to raise a calm child.

It is necessary to understand that difficult periods in a child’s life are inevitable. It is important to overcome them correctly and with dignity. Parents need to be smart about their child's negative behavior. After all, with the right attitude from an adult, a child’s hysteria will gradually pass. Therefore, patience and kindness are one of the main manifestations of good parents.

psychologynow.ru

Daily and nutritional regimen

A nervous child 3 or more years old should have a special circadian rhythm. Psychologists give several important recommendations on this matter:

• during activities that require mental activity, it is necessary to take breaks of 15 minutes every 20 minutes;
• nutrition should be as balanced as possible to compensate for the lack of vitamins and microelements;
• Drinks such as cocoa, coffee, and strong tea should be excluded from the diet - they excite the nervous system.

It is necessary to devote a lot of time to physical procedures, such as hardening. However, this should be done under the supervision of a pediatrician.

Age characteristics

Treatment of a nervous child is not always necessary, as these may be developmental features:

1. Until the age of 3, nervousness is caused by innate behavioral characteristics. The situation can be aggravated by the birth of a subsequent child, if the eldest is not yet 3 years old.
2. From 3 to 4 years old, children begin to be interested in the world around them, and if the child receives only ultimatum instructions “does” and “cannots” without explanation, this can cause aggression.
3. From 5 to 7 years old, it is necessary to stimulate the child’s zeal for knowledge, but he cannot be forced to do anything.
4. From 8 to 10 years of age, consciousness is formed as a part of society, so negative behavior may be the result of incorrectly chosen ideals based on school influence.
5. From 10 to 16 years old, hormonal changes are observed, which are expressed in behavior as protest and a desire to stand out. During this period, it is necessary to smooth out conflict situations especially correctly.

Parents must “grow up” with their own child, take into account his characteristics and communicate with him as equals from childhood. This is the only way to maintain trust and peace in the family.

Child psychology: a child is freaking out - what to do?

Category – Child Psychology

Question: My child is 8.5 years old. At home you ask him to do something - he pretends not to hear, at school he is teased, he constantly fights, if he is not in the mood - he ignores the teacher. And if something doesn’t work out, he starts to freak out, he studies without grades, he’s very capable - he’s ahead of his peers in terms of development, but he can’t cope with his freakouts, what should he do, help him.

Elena Nikolaevskaya, child psychologist, answers:

Good afternoon. Your child is 8.5 years old. At this age, there are no obvious crises, so the reasons for behavior should be sought in the child’s internal well-being. There are several reasons that can provoke this behavior:

1. Excessive stress, lack of rest and sleep. Observe whether these manifestations intensify during the school year, or whether they subside during school holidays? How a child behaves when he’s tired, and how he behaves when he’s rested. What is the difference? The learning process, even for a well-performing child, is quite a burden. The fact is that the number of subjects studied in the lower grades has increased, the school five-day period leads to the fact that children are forced to attend more than 4 lessons a day every day, breaks between classes do not exceed 5-7 minutes. Thus, the amount of information increases, and the rest time decreases. Many schoolchildren attend clubs, sections, music and creative schools after school, which also leads to increased workload and decreased rest time. Teachers know very well that starting from the middle of the second quarter, children’s fatigue results not only in a deterioration in the assimilation of material, but also in behavior: aggression, apathy, restlessness, disinhibition appear, and neuroses become more pronounced.

Review your child's daily routine. Write down a clear daily routine, try to evenly distribute work and rest time. Enter daily walks. Make sure your child gets enough sleep. “Fighting” children are often given daytime naps, which calms the nervous system and reduces internal discomfort. Reconsider additional classes (sports are no less tiring than mathematics), perhaps you should give up something for now.

2. Social maladjustment . Does your son have friends, how does he interact with people around him (younger, peers, older, classmates, adults, strangers, relatives, close relatives). It may be difficult for your son to connect with his classmates. It happens that capable children find themselves isolated from the class because... intellectually they have outgrown their peers. Children who have not attended kindergarten may have problems communicating and establishing contact with peers.

When entering school or during your studies, have you ever heard that your son’s intellectual development is ahead of his emotional development, or perhaps you were told about a lack of emotional development? This is a common reason why children cannot establish normal relationships in the classroom. Lack of emotional development may arise due to the fact that the child was taught well and efficiently before school, but did not play with him enough. In both the first and second cases, working with a psychologist will be effective.

Is it just your son being teased, or is this a characteristic feature of relationships in the class, what exactly is the subject of ridicule, is this behavior encouraged by the teacher. Think, reflect on what in your child causes ridicule from students, how justified they are. Is it a physical disability of the child, his behavior or your financial situation, etc. What can you change yourself? At eight years old, children are, of course, cruel, but the teacher’s opinion at this age is the law and plays a decisive role. Be wise. Your child “if something doesn’t work out, he starts to freak out and is not able to cope with the emotions that arise.” The following reasons are possible:

• he copies a family member;
• high level of stress (adaptation issue);
• this is a property inherent in its nervous system.

This issue can be resolved by consulting a specialist.

3. Changes in the family . Perhaps there have been major changes in your family (divorce, illness, moving, loss, birth of younger children, etc.). Children react painfully to life changes, especially gifted ones.

Ignoring adults is usually a child’s protective reaction from additional stress. Analyze what causes a defensive reaction: situation, tone, phrase, person, requirement. Try a different construction of phrases, expressions, emotional connotations. Raise your tone less often and punish. Look for another way to influence.

I would like to emphasize that you have a smart, good child, and you are a wonderful mother. Some of the answers to your questions can be found here. However, in your case, the work of a practicing psychologist, both individual and group, will be effective.

Useful tips

A nervous child a year or later can cause a lot of trouble, so sometimes it is easier to prevent the development of mental disorders than to treat them. Psychologists give several recommendations on this matter:

• Regardless of the situation, it is necessary to remain calm, since the mother’s nervousness is transmitted to the child, especially for young children;
• it is important to teach your son or daughter to apologize for wrongdoings, but it is also important to ask for forgiveness from the baby;
• to raise calm offspring you need to be patient;
• you need to set a positive example through your own actions;
• the interests of the child should not be put above all else;
• It is important to give the child the right to choose.

In addition, children of any age are in dire need of the care and love of their parents.

“I don’t sleep at night and get annoyed with the child!” Where to run when mom feels bad?

“There’s something wrong with me, I’m abnormal, I have strange reactions, I get irritated with the child, I traumatize him. I love him, but why am I so angry with him and what should I do about it? This is what exhausted mothers of babies write to psychologist and mother of many children Alina Ryaby . Two months ago, she came up with the “Tea for Mom” project and began helping for free those who have just given birth to a child and feel helpless to the point of tears.

Alina Ryaby

When you see reports in the media that a mother tied her child to a tree, put her in a washing machine, or threw her out of the window, what is the first thought that comes to your mind?

An acute feeling of pity for all participants in the situation. This is such an edge and hopelessness that it is absolutely impossible to condemn anyone here. It was necessary to save us much, much earlier, but now it’s too late.

Society immediately condemns the mother. Why?

I am a psychologist, a mother of many children, I know the other side and how difficult it can be. In order to sympathize, one must have the experience of such pain. Blame is a defense mechanism. This means that this pain is so unbearable for us that we look for those to blame and blame.

The second point is a strong connection to the child. We all have a very traumatic past, we are all a little wounded, so we quickly switch to pity for the child. We know this pain.

But we also know the pain of a mother who is exhausted.

We simply don’t know how to feel this way towards our parents. We don’t always know pain to that extent. We may be in more comfortable conditions, we may have more help, money and sympathy. Or we felt bad too, but clenching our teeth, we emerged into a hero’s state. From this state we cannot sympathize.

to create the supporting project “ Tea for Mom ” by the confession of one such exhausted woman on Pravmir. What about that story resonated with you the most?

There is nothing abnormal in her description. This is a well-known natural story. It was not normal that she was alone in it and there was no support. I had no knowledge of the naturalness of what was happening, so I was unable to prepare. There were expectations that grandmothers and someone else would help, but it didn’t happen. And she lived it like that, but a huge pain remained in her soul. This is the place and time where it makes sense to make efforts.

What kind of efforts exactly?

For knowledge transfer, for example. Moms and dads often come to the birth of a child without the necessary information. They don’t know what a newborn is, how long it lasts, what is normal for this period and what is not. Their presentation is a bit glossy. Everyone knows that a child needs diapers and a stroller, and that children scream - and this is a sign of any discomfort, and not a nightmare or misfortune - they learn in the process. And it's shocking.

The fact that for the first three months children live without a routine and sleep chaotically is news for those who have their first child. They don’t write about this anywhere, you can guess about it only by the number of rocking and comforting strays. But suffering itself is not shown to us. Only bright mobile phones and rattles.

Are there courses that end with the birth process, or what?

Yes exactly. Pregnant women cannot imagine what will happen next. Unless you specifically intimidate them. Childbirth is a big milestone, where a lot of emotions and expectations go. And what will happen next - well, we’ll survive somehow. Although 15 years ago they were not so involved in childbirth, they say, “nature will do everything, what to study there.” That is, people here have already realized that it is better to take courses, find their own doctor, and involve relatives. With infancy, it seems to me, there is still no understanding that this is no less difficult process. Which, unlike childbirth, lasts at least 3 months.

Post by Alina Ryaby on Facebook (March 16, 2020):

Friends! I can and want to help families with babies: newborns and a little older. For very little money - the cost of travel and a cup of coffee. Or even free - depending on the situation.

This topic has been ripening in me for a long time and after an article on Pravmir it finally matured. Link to the article in the first comment to this post.

We are talking about a crisis period when the baby cries a lot and sleeps little. When mom doesn't sleep at all and dad doesn't get enough sleep. When mom is having a terrible time, lonely and hopeless. Or everything is not so terrible, but it is still difficult and unclear how to survive it. When dad is away. When dad is there, but he doesn’t know what to do specifically to make everyone at home feel better. And it’s terribly hard for dad too.

I am a psychologist. Child development and developmental crises are my favorite topic. Establishing attachment is another favorite topic of mine. I know where and how to move in order to understand a child, even a newborn.

I am a mother of many children. My first daughter did not sleep at night for two months straight. I didn’t sleep at all - I know what life is like in a fog. The second son screamed every day for the entire first year, and nothing could calm him down. I can imagine the stress level when a child screams non-stop.

What I can. I can come to my mother for a couple of hours: support, listen, answer questions. If necessary, I will teach you how to bathe and rock a child, and carry him comfortably in your arms and in a sling. Let's discuss why a child screams, what he needs, and what parents can do to avoid going crazy. I can carry the baby in my arms, let him take a shower, pour some tea.

My goal is to help parents feel calmer and more confident with their child. I won’t be able to come regularly and replace the help of loved ones: letting mom sleep every day, walking with the baby, cooking. I can come once, maximum two or three. But, in my experience, even at one time you can reduce parental anxiety and think about how to restore strength and good health.

Why cheap and even free. No, you can do it for a fee - if you have the opportunity and desire. But it is precisely during this period that those who do not have extra resources find themselves in acute crisis. There is no free money, no time and energy to figure out where to go: to an evidence-based doctor, psychotherapist or sleep consultant. I will not replace specialists, but I will support and guide you on further steps.

Therefore, friends! If there are people near you, a mother, parents who have recently had a baby, you see that it is difficult for them and you don’t know how to help them, you can give me my contacts. Knock on PM for them.

Ready to travel around Moscow. If not in Moscow, we can try Skype.

At what point and who turns to you for help? Only moms?

Mothers of newborns contact, fathers do not write, but are present, especially if they are in contact with the mother. This is the period up to a year and a little older, when it is still difficult. What are they being treated with? There is something wrong with me, I am abnormal, I have strange reactions, I get irritated with the child, I traumatize him. I love him, but why am I so angry with him and what should I do about it? Another option: something is wrong with the child. He doesn’t sleep according to the schedule, his stomach doesn’t go away, the doctor said everything is fine with him, but he screams.

And what do you do in such situations?

First I listen, we talk about my mother’s strong feelings. We say that it is normal to feel helpless and cry, to fall into your inner child. If we sacrifice basic needs and forget to eat, then these dips into helplessness will definitely happen, because the little child inside will scream that he also wants to eat and sleep. If we want to bear our child’s tears, we must first understand something about our own. And when I tell my mom that it’s okay to cry, she stops, because they finally admitted that it’s hard for her.

I tell you why there is no regime and when it will be, and that everything will work out, just a little later. I can show you some things. How to wrap a sling. How to bathe a child in the sink and relieve tummy pain, for example.

And How?

Wrap the baby in a large towel. We put him on his hand, in approximately the same position as when we bathe him in the bath. And we turn on the warm water and let it flow onto his stomach through a towel. The baby lets go very quickly. This is a powerful relaxing effect. And in case of nervous stories it also helps. This method worked for me with all my children.

You write that you can visit an exhausted mother just once. Can one meeting really change the situation?

You can significantly reduce your anxiety in one go. Once I came to see a girl, she had a conflict with her husband, plus she was very successful before giving birth. And finally motherhood happened, in which she feels unsuccessful, and the girl is isolated from her activities. Nearby, the father of the child, who continues to be successful, walks in circles: “Well, what are you doing, I don’t know, stop crying already.”

We talked to her about her success in motherhood. The child is healthy, developed for his age, gaining weight, smiling, sociable, everything is fine. And then text messages came from her, which became completely different and much calmer, and my husband and I began to understand each other.

Many people advise mothers to stop being nervous, they say, the child feels everything, and this is why he screams, and then the circle closes, and it is not clear who is screaming and nervous about what .

Yes and no. This is true, the child is more nervous if the mother is worried. But he will still have a stomach ache these three months. He still won’t sleep until his psyche calms down. Of course, it will be easier for everyone if mom does not have additional expectations, anxiety and guilt. If she takes care not of his regime, but of not going crazy herself. Make sure there is food, a cup of tea nearby, TV series. It will be easier for everyone. But there will be colic. There is no magic wand for this.

Maybe the fact is that we are not ready for deprivation, which is why we are so worried? If I'm successful, my baby won't have colic. Everyone will have them, but mine doesn’t. Is this common?

It seems to me that our inadequate reactions are due to psychological trauma and ignorance. We do not have information on how to react well and correctly. For example, when I was pregnant with my youngest, I felt sick in Italy, in a supermarket. I immediately lay down so as not to fall. The staff immediately appeared next to me, none of them panicked. Without asking me, they found my husband in the store and called an ambulance. And while we were driving, the doctors held my hand the whole way.

These are instructions! This is not about the fact that Italians are incredibly sensitive and kinder than us. It’s just that everyone there knows how to behave. No one started shouting: “What a nightmare! The woman is lying down and has fallen!”

And here is our second situation. The girl was running around the temple, fell and broke her knee. There were three or four adults next to her. I realized that time was passing, five minutes had passed, and all I could hear were exclamations: “Where is her mother, what should we do?”, “We probably need this.” And no one does anything. It’s as if there are no instructions inside: you need to console the child, sit him down, find his mother, and you can do this, not someone else. I had to intervene. This speaks of the helplessness of people.

Have you ever had a case where you caught a woman in a state of insanity?

No. There was a case when, together with a woman and her specialist, we came to the conclusion that this was clinical depression and that medication needed to be added. In serious cases, when the child is lying in one corner and the woman is in another, there are no requests for help from her, time has already been lost.

Women are not embarrassed to reach out and admit to a stranger that they can’t cope?

It seems to me that I wrote my post on social networks in such a supportive style that people are not afraid of being judged. And that makes it easier to accept help. I’ve been visiting families for a month and a half now, usually I have an appointment for this and next week. I come for free because people are in crisis. There is no fee, if there is nothing to pay, that's normal. But often they pay something anyway, that’s how they feel comfortable.

You wrote that your daughter did not sleep for two months, and your son screamed. Have you wanted to do something with babies?

I have a fairly good situation and a good start. I raised a whole bunch of godchildren and nephews, I have many friends with many children. This is not a mother’s experience, it’s not about deprivation, you don’t see them when you help. But you see the life of a nursing mother, let’s put it this way. And I had someone to turn to about this: “Ahh, snot, doesn’t suck well!”

Despite this, when my daughter developed mental colic, the same adaptation, only through the brain, it was really difficult for my husband and I. She didn't cry only if she was wrapped in a sling and jumped on a ball. We took turns jumping every night. After three in the morning is the hardest time, and we both remember how we pounded our fists on the table out of anger and because we were terribly sleepy. And there was no tenderness for the child at that moment. I can perfectly imagine where aggression towards a child comes from. This is normal, this is a defense mechanism. When we are vulnerable, she appears. It’s another matter to have time to grab yourself in time and redirect to the table, pillow, so as not to touch the child.

Why is it so difficult for us to hear a baby cry?

Children's crying is designed in such a way that any adult, whether he wants children or not, whether he has them or not, whether he is a man or a woman, must come to the rescue. A child is born without the ability to walk, to get food for himself, without fur, and his thermoregulation is imperfect. And the most saving thing is to be in the arms of adults. This is a genetic mechanism. There I will feel good, safe, I will be saved.

That’s why he screams so terribly so that no one will pass by, they grab him and take him away. Another thing is that a child does not always calm down in your arms and continues to scream. And this is completely unbearable. We join in this cry and begin to sympathize. And you need to take it in your arms, but at the same time don’t forget about yourself.

How to do it?

For example, a sling. He frees his mother's hands. And not at all for loading the washing machine or cooking soup. And to pour yourself some tea, get a delicious pie and turn on the movie. And this is not a story about your whole life, but about three months, then it will be easier.

Even with your first child it’s scary, what if it’s not the belly? These thoughts also eat away. Can anyone help here?

From your own mother, for example, you can hear: “Well, you slept well with me, I don’t know what he’s yelling at you. Don’t teach him to handle hands.” I always say to this that ideal, untrained children are in an orphanage. They don't cry at all. It’s a pity that in most cases there is no adult nearby who has gone through this and who can look into the room and say: “Yes, everything is fine, it’s definitely a tummy. Look, he’s kicking his legs, let’s go put him a heating pad.”

A woman from the Netherlands wrote to me in the comments to the first post. They have a service there at the state level, through insurance, from which a woman comes to the house after giving birth. She helps the mother take care of her stitches, helps with the baby, and can help around the house and with older children. And our visiting nurses can tell you little. This is ideal. If this is launched here, that’s good.

Where did these adults, aunties, grandmothers go? Why was the woman suddenly left alone with the baby, it wasn’t like this before?

There used to be a big family, everyone lived together. From birth we saw how the mother gave birth, fed, how older sisters gave birth nearby, how all the neighbors fed. If something goes wrong, there is always an older woman nearby who has gone through something similar. The advice may not have been perfect, but the main thing is that they were there. And your grandmother gave birth to one, maximum two, a long time ago. She cannot support her, no one would support her.

Girlfriends may be far away; we are not always friends with those in the next apartment. Or you can give birth first among your friends, who are all still childless.

Do you agree that the modern woman makes too many decisions, and this increases her anxiety?

Certainly. The responsibility of a parent has increased, and so have the expectations from him. I come, every mother has a book by Petranovskaya. That is, a woman has the idea that she is not just raising a child, but building a trusting relationship and affection with him. Expectations are very high, and it is not clear what to do with a newborn. I often hear: “I’m hurting my child.” And tears. Because the feeling of guilt is very strong. There are guidelines, but no tactics on what to do about it. A decision must be made. What should we base it on? And it's very neurotic. You used to do what everyone else did, but now you’re wondering: is this right? And each book has its own answer.

How neurotic do social networks make a mother and baby, and what should you do if you are constantly running into other people’s happy pink heels, but that’s not the case for you?

I know a mother who simply deleted all social media: “I can’t stand it yet.” She understood that all this was not true, but she could not look at it. Good hygienic move. When you stabilize, install it again.

I myself have a pink Instagram. I don’t record hysterics there or toilet paper stuffed into the toilet. I take pictures when they are nice, when we have a great walk and draw. This will make me happy later, this is my therapy. Not a scam, just therapy. And you need to understand that no matter what pink heels you meet on social networks, infancy is difficult and very difficult.

You have a photo on Facebook of how your mother starts her morning. This is a close-up of the tray in the bed: chocolate, coffee... What else can you advise women?

It depends on how old the baby is. If a mother has a newborn, then everything she wants will not happen. You need to wait out this time and don’t forget to eat. To ensure that food is at hand and tasty, forget about all healthy lifestyles. He extended his hand - tasty, sweet and good. To withstand and sail through this time is like a test and dedication. Hold your breath and swim as if under a wave. This will pass, all life will return, nothing goes away forever. You need to switch so as not to become fixated on the child. Read books, watch movies, go outside. Invite guests.

Many don’t even have time to shower. Leave these dreams or let her scream and shower on schedule?

With my first daughter, I had time to shower. This is something I can't start the day without. The second boy screamed as soon as I went out of sight. And I prioritized showering. I realized that he was still screaming. And I can tolerate his screaming throughout the day as long as I shower and eat. I placed the carrier with him nearby, opened the curtain and went into the shower for 10 minutes. During this time, nothing bad will happen.

Valeria Dikareva

Photo from the family archive of Alina Ryaby

Source: matrony.ru