Just about something complicated: who is a perverted narcissist?

Pervasive narcissism - general characteristics

According to ICD-10, this disease is a specific disorder of personality and behavior. It is characterized by:

• Unreasonably high self-esteem.
• Lack of feeling for another person.
• Superiority over others.

Diagnosis of the disease is not based on specific criteria; it is enough for a specialist to see the signs of the disorder. Narcissism has a lot in common with sociopathy. But its main difference is that a narcissist strives to achieve his own success with all his might, while a sociopath is unable to adhere to a goal for a long time due to his immoral life.

The most dangerous person for others is a person suffering from perverted narcissism.

Such a person will be:

• Manipulate people.
• Turn any situation to your advantage.
• Avoid open conflicts.
• Imposing on other people a good opinion of yourself.
• Appreciate only what concerns only their person.

How to recognize someone with narcissistic personality disorder

The reference book for any psychotherapist, the current edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), lists the DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders nine signs of a true narcissist. At the same time, to make a diagnosis it is enough if a person meets only five of them Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Maintains relationships with “special” people

A narcissist always has authoritative, influential acquaintances from circles that are difficult for “mere mortals” to access: businessmen from the top hundred of the Forbes list, brilliant artists, owners of various rarities, close friends and lovers of world-famous stars. Well, at least the narcissist himself likes to talk about such connections.

A person with narcissistic disorder uses the status of acquaintances as a way to increase self-esteem and authority in the eyes of others.

By the way, this is one of the reasons why narcissists seem so attractive, why they are easy to fall in love with and difficult to break up with. When a person is “so well connected!”, “so sophisticated!” suddenly pays attention to you, it really tickles your pride. It’s as if you are on the same social level as the narcissist’s wonderful acquaintances and you also begin to feel “special.” And this is a kind of psychological drug that is difficult to give up.

Often talks about his own victories and achievements

Whether it’s a controversial moment at work, a conflict in a store or public transport, a random race at a traffic light - the narcissist emerges victorious from any situation. More precisely, this is what he tells others.

It is important for the narcissist to demonstrate that he is better and smarter than everyone else. This helps him feel more confident. Am I Dating With a Narcissist? .

Jacklyn Krol, psychotherapist, for the online publication Healthline

It is characteristic that stories about victories always take place in the format of monologues. The narcissist needs admiring listeners. As soon as one of them begins to pull the blanket over himself and talk about his own achievements, the person with narcissism becomes bored and ends the conversation.

Needs compliments and can't handle criticism

From the outside, a narcissist appears to be an extremely self-confident person. But, as the experts at Am I Dating With Narcissist suggest? , most people with narcissistic personality disorder have severe self-esteem problems.

That is why they expect constant compliments from others. If admiration is not enough or, worse, the narcissist is criticized, he reacts to this very emotionally. He may theatrically exclaim: “I’m not valued here!” Often reproaches relatives and colleagues for inattention and callousness. Because of the slightest remark, he may cry or run away, slamming the door and shouting something insulting at the end.

Then, perhaps, he will return to finally get recognition from you. For this reason, the narcissist manipulates feelings of guilt: it is not he who is emotionally unrestrained, but you who meanly offended him, underestimated him and provoked him.

Seems like a dreamer and an idealist

The narcissist seems to be ideal and therefore expects a special, impeccable life. And if something doesn’t work out, he shifts responsibility for it to the people around him.

If difficulties arise in love or family relationships, the partner is to blame: he looked at it wrong, did it wrong, didn’t appreciate it. “All women are bitches, and I’m looking for that one, my soul mate, who will understand me” - the demonstrative position of a classic narcissist.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges is more common in men. The risk group includes young (under 45 years old) unmarried people.

If your career and money don’t work out, it’s society’s fault, of course. More precisely, its successful representatives, who (from the narcissist’s point of view) probably achieved their position with the help of influential relatives, through bed, by deception. Narcissists often contrast themselves with society, emphasizing their status as an unrecognized genius and a lone wolf, disappointed in an imperfect world.

Believes he deserves special treatment

This means that the narcissist demands more rights for himself than for others. He will not stand in line - he will find a way to get into the right office or counter first, even if it turns out to be a scandal. He expects priority service at the restaurant. Or he sincerely counts on an “understanding” attitude from his superiors, even if he is late for the fifth time in a week or misses a deadline.

He “needs” to sit by the window, open (or close) the window, or engage in his hobby - instead of washing the dishes, tidying up, or going shopping.

The interests of a person with narcissistic personality disorder always come first. Those around you are asked to just come to terms with this.

Often arrogant, shows disrespect for those of lower status

One of the characteristics of a classic narcissist is a feeling of superiority over others. This is clearly demonstrated in situations where a person suffering from narcissism encounters the service industry. He can be rude to waiters, wardrobe workers, consultants, and petty clerks. His arrogance also affects his subordinates or those who are younger.

If the narcissist is reproached for this, he will explain his behavior as shortcomings in the work of the “lower class” and say that he simply demands a little respect.

Exploits others

For a narcissist, it is normal for him to be served, and he is not interested in what forces and due to what this is achieved. For example, in a family relationship, he will expect dinner from his partner, cleanliness and excellent physical shape - simply because he “should” (even if he has two jobs, a child and an objective lack of time for sports).

If a partner tries to be indignant, devaluation, gaslighting and other abusive techniques will be used.

Openly manipulates people

Pressuring on pity, hitting feelings of guilt and conscience, twisting facts and blaming others for something they did not do - this is not a complete list of what a narcissist does to achieve his goals.

It cannot be said that he manipulates consciously. It’s just that this is how his psyche works—justifying himself and blaming others.

Unable to empathize

Lack of empathy (sympathy for the experiences and problems of others) is one of the most characteristic signs of a narcissist.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder is completely self-centered. Delving into other people's problems and providing support is simply boring for him.

This is one of the reasons why narcissists almost never have long-term relationships - friendships or romantic ones.

Why does narcissism occur?

Experts cannot pinpoint the exact causes of the disease, but they identify several stimulating factors.

The first of them is an inferiority complex. Low self-esteem inherent in childhood can be provoked by defective upbringing: permissiveness or excessive strictness. In addition, narcissism can develop in children who are unfamiliar with parental praise and support or, conversely, who grew up in the image of an idol for worship.

An important role in the development of narcissism is played by genetic predisposition, namely the degree of resistance to stress and temperamental characteristics.

Signs of the disease often appear in adolescents, but in this age period it rarely signals the development of the disease and goes away as the child grows older.

In some cases, narcissism is a symptom of a serious mental disorder, such as schizophrenia. For some time, patients ceased to understand reality and began to perceive themselves as higher beings.

How to recognize a perverted narcissist?

Perverted narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people to be their “victims.” Their target audience is bright, smart people, open-minded, successful, impressionable, full of optimism and vitality. Often relationships with perverted narcissists end in clinical depression and suicide for their spouses and friends, and even more often in psychological trauma, which then takes years to heal, if at all.

A perverted narcissist can be identified by distinctive behavioral features that they, as a rule, are unable to completely disguise, despite developed adaptation skills and a brilliant image. In general, a potential “victim” should be wary of the following details.

1) A person speaks negatively about past partners, verbosely blaming them for problems that arose or a breakup.

2) A person is not inclined to admit that he is guilty and shifts responsibility to others.

3) After meeting this person, the partner began to sleep less, eat poorly, lost weight, began to feel dizzy in his presence, or encountered other unpleasant changes in the area of ​​well-being. It is generally accepted that lovers and friends of perverted narcissists begin to suffer from psychosomatics early, and this happens even against the background of an apparent absence of problems.

4) A person strives to tie a partner to himself as early as possible, right up to marriage or moving.

5) Perverted narcissists sometimes have problems, although in general such people carefully monitor their behavior. Like patients with psychopathy, they do not experience emotions in the generally accepted sense of the word, but they are excellent at imitating them.

Narcissists are able to observe others, calculating successful mechanisms of influence, but in unusual circumstances they can show insensitivity, lust for power, or something else that lies outside the scope of normal reactions.

For example, such a person is able to tell how “well” he punished the offender (and the punishment will seem disproportionate to the offense), how he cleverly used someone, or how interesting it is to watch other people’s suffering.

Signs of narcissism in men and women

Narcissism in men is manifested by an attempt to gain some kind of significance in the eyes of others and their own. By catering to his ambitions, the patient often achieves high career success, but the heights achieved are quickly replaced by spiritual emptiness. On average, until the age of forty, a narcissist derives happiness from the emergence of new goals and their achievement. But having crossed a certain age limit, they begin to feel emptiness and worthlessness. In addition, they find it increasingly difficult to relate to people around them. According to statistics, family members of many narcissistic men become victims of their abuse.

Narcissistic women stand out for their ambition. They often quarrel with their children because they set high expectations for them and are very disappointed when they do not get what they expected. Such a woman’s husband will most often be calm and caring, but she will not respect him. A couple will have an “interesting” union where both partners suffer from narcissism. In such a relationship, mutual rivalry and caustic criticism will come first, so this relationship will end quickly.

Sign 1: A narcissistic mother is a good actress.

This quality is characteristic of any narcissist, but now we are considering the mother. She may have only two roles (for the family and for other people), or she may have many roles. It all depends on the goals.

Specifically, my mother played a kind and sympathetic person in public, gained the trust of all my friends, so that they would not even think that she wished me harm. She also loved to play the unfortunate victim: either her bosses offended her, her husband, or me. Convenient role. At home, she was mostly bossy and demanding, but at times she played nice for me to show me what she could supposedly be like if I behaved well from her point of view.

By the way, this is the difference from true tyrants - they always or almost always behave harshly. It's part of their nature. And for narcissists, this is just one of their masks. They do not have a true face.

Diagnosis of pathology

Diagnosis of the disease and any of its forms involves a physical examination of the patient in order to understand the reasons for the presence of problems that provoked a personality disorder. If there are no such diseases, the specialist resorts to a structured interview. During this technique, he studies the patient’s words and behavior, draws appropriate conclusions and identifies typical symptoms of a psychological illness.

As practice shows, recognizing a narcissist is not difficult. Such people have problems in all areas of life, while the patient himself does not agree with this. Denial of disharmony in life is a characteristic symptom of narcissism. Another striking sign of the disease is an inadequate reaction to criticism: a narcissist will never be able to calmly listen to negative information about himself.

In addition to interviews, the specialist may use other psychological techniques.

Studying patients for perverse narcissism involves differentiating the disease from antisocial, borderline and hysterical disorders. Since the patient himself does not understand the problematic nature of his condition, people from the narcissist’s close circle most often seek qualified medical help. From them, the doctor can also learn useful information that will facilitate the rapid diagnosis of the disease and the selection of effective therapy.

Sign 2: A narcissistic mother never admits her guilt.

We can also add here that people like narcissists are absolutely incapable of sincerely apologizing. No, for the sake of appearance, when they play well, they can feign an apology. But then they will continue to behave the same way as before. And narcissists always look for someone to blame as an excuse. Among them could be anyone, from the president to his own daughter (the latter more often, because one of the tasks of a narcissist is to impose a feeling of guilt on his own child, we will return to this later), but not herself.

Likewise, my mother never considered herself to blame for quarrels. She named the reason for the divorce only because her father was allegedly taken away by another woman, and in no case did she think that one of the reasons could be her possessive attitude towards the man. She called the reasons for any conflicts my supposedly complex character, problems at work - the demanding nature of my superiors. I hadn’t thought about this before, but during therapy I realized that she never really admitted her guilt, considering absolutely all her actions to be completely correct.

Recognize and neutralize – treatment of the syndrome

When developing therapeutic measures, the specialist takes into account the individual characteristics of each clinical manifestation of the disease. Since the disease is chronic, its treatment can be very problematic. As practice shows, in every situation, properly designed psychological assistance plays a key role in the patient’s recovery. Considering the fact that patients rarely voluntarily agree to treatment, the specialist is obliged to find the right approach to the narcissist. Very often, to do this, they begin to demonstrate favor and respect for the patient.

Psychotherapy shows a high therapeutic effect in the treatment of perverted narcissism. Classes are available individual and group. Conversations are held with patients to help them recognize and neutralize the illness that has affected them. They are taught to evaluate themselves correctly and make rational decisions. At this stage, the psychotherapist is required to competently reveal the essence of narcissism as a disease. If he does not do this, the patient may resist treatment, arguing that it is a loss of personal dignity.

The use of special medications is advisable if the patient suffers from:

• Depression.
• Panic attacks.
• Phobias and similar mental problems.

In such a situation, a specialist can prescribe the patient to take tranquilizers, antidepressants and herbal medicines.

Pharmaceuticals can only minimize the symptoms of the disease, but not cure the patient from it.

What to do if a person is a narcissist

Narcissism is one of the least studied Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges personality disorders. It is extremely difficult to treat because narcissists usually do not consider Narcissistic Personality Disorder to be a mental health problem. On the contrary: they are sure that others have problems, and therefore they should be treated.

In addition, narcissism is often accompanied by other types of mental disorders - manic-depressive psychosis (bipolar disorder), depression, anxiety and dissocial (sociopathic) disorders. So therapy, even if the narcissist agrees to it, risks being long and difficult.

What to do if you encounter a narcissist? The least energy-consuming, but also the least humane way is to run Am I Dating With Narcissist? From him.

If you have the opportunity not to shoulder the responsibility for solving other people’s psychological problems, it makes sense not to do so.

However, this does not always happen. After all, a colleague, a valuable business partner, a close relative, or even a loved one may be a narcissist. Refusal to communicate will be tantamount to a complete severance of these important connections.

In this case, there is only one thing left - to persuade the narcissist to see a psychotherapist. The doctor will get to know the patient better and, depending on his condition, will select the most effective type of psychotherapy. Sometimes, in addition to it, Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Treatment and drug treatment - antidepressants and antipsychotics - may be needed.

Psychotherapy will also be helpful for you if you have to deal with a narcissist every day. Communication with a person who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder has a destructive effect on people close to him: it undermines self-esteem, makes him doubt himself, and can provoke the development of an anxiety disorder or depression.

Prevention measures

Since narcissism develops based on certain reasons, its development can be prevented if the child is raised as a normal person from childhood.

To do this, parents need:

• Instill in your child self-respect and independence from the opinions of others.
• Allow your child to cry if necessary.
• Be able to firmly refuse the baby’s whims and not give in to hysterics.
• Praise the child if he honestly deserves it. At the same time, experts advise not to praise his merits to others in the presence of the baby.
• Protect your child from family scandals.
• Raise a child with the idea that he is an important part of society, but those around him should not fulfill his every whim.

Sign 3: feelings of unpaid debt and guilt towards a narcissistic mother in children

Normally, children should not feel that they owe their parents; they can help them, but of their own free will, and not because they are obliged. And they don’t feel permanent guilt before their mother and father at all. The situation is completely different with narcissistic parents. Moreover, it is on guilt and duty that children’s attachment to such mothers and fathers is formed. From a very early age, they instill in them that they have put their whole life on the child, that everything he achieves happens only thanks to them, that he is given the best piece, and so on. In addition to this, they may accuse you of all mortal sins and say that your mother, for example, was upset only because of you, although this is not the case.

In my case, my mother not only constantly talked about the best pieces and sacrifices supposedly for my sake (allegedly since there are no sacrifices, her personal choice was to give birth to a child, she had to understand that she might have to raise her alone - by the way, my father regularly paid alimony and came to visit once a week, in general, to provide education, shelter and food was the responsibility of my mother, and not at all a gesture of a broad soul, for which I should thank her to the grave ). She did something even more interesting: as soon as I turned 18, she said that now I had to return to her everything that she had paid and given to me before I came of age . Moreover, she stated that this was precisely my responsibility, she thought so. In addition, I had to give her absolutely all the money I earned and not spend anything on myself. Then, of course, from this money she could theoretically allocate a small amount, calling it a huge benefit. That's why she asked for money: so that I could feel dependent on her for many years to come. I’ll probably write a separate article about guilt. Let me briefly note that I felt it constantly, to the point that my mother simply sat in front of me and smiled, and the thought of my guilt and shame in front of this woman slipped into my mind. As if I had harmed her, which was not true. That is, the guilt was with me for many years, right up until I started undergoing therapy. Only now can I say that I have gotten rid of this withering feeling.