Value judgments about one’s own importance (or insignificance) are formed very early. Its first and main source is parents, they are the main figures of our childhood. At first, their love is unconditional and irrespective, it does not depend on achievements and merits. And then - the reaction to the first drawing, the first poem learned...
Where were we afraid to over-praise the baby, what did we do wrong, after which he stopped loving himself and became unsure of his own abilities? And how can I help him get rid of low self-esteem?
Before starting a conversation about a child's self-esteem, parents should look at themselves. Are they themselves free from complexes? How do you assess your own worth as a person? In a psychological sense, any child carries with him the entire burden of parental expectations not only for himself, but also for them. This is a very complex system, and you need to understand it from the very beginning.
Signs of low self-esteem in children
Shyness
He is overly shy, avoids both meeting new people and encountering new conditions and life situations. Sometimes this can reach hysterical manifestations. It should be understood that children are characterized by shyness, but its excessive manifestations are abnormal.
Overzealous, striving for excellence
Low self-esteem is often the cause of perfectionism. When doing even the most trivial task, such a child tries to complete it in such a way that there is not a single chance to subject him to criticism.
Feeling of constant danger
He tries to constantly be around adults, especially outside the home. He clings to your hands and doesn’t let you go even one step. What if someone stranger comes up and starts talking, and even asks the terrible question “What’s your name?”...
Increased caution
While other children think little about the consequences when climbing a tree, a fence, or jumping from a swing, this child is characterized by displays of fear and caution. He would rather step aside and away from such fun.
Indecisiveness
One of the main signs of low self-esteem. The curiosity and desire inherent in ordinary children to try everything interesting here and now in this case is replaced by delayed action. Everything new is put off “for later.” Even having received a long-awaited bicycle or skates as a gift, they will not immediately rush into the yard to test them in action, for fear of getting a negative experience. Nothing is better than another failure.
A few more errors
There are also opposite situations when parents do not allow self-esteem to rise and nip such attempts of the child in the bud:
- “Do as everyone else does and keep a low profile.” This relic in education has been going on since Soviet times. The child is equated with everyone else and is not allowed to show his personal qualities. Previously, it was hammered into everyone's head that everyone should be the same. This is a very wrong position. Nowadays, the time has come for competition, which means that only the strong win. How to increase your child's self-esteem? If a boy has a craving for dancing, then he should not be sent to the sport like everyone else. Maybe over time he will become a ballroom dancing champion or a world-famous ballet dancer.
- Indifference. Very often, in the fast pace of life, parents stop noticing the small successes that the child makes. The maximum that the baby can hear is “Well done.” But he wants his painted portrait or molded plasticine figure to be appreciated. Indeed, in early childhood, parents most often become the only spectators and listeners of the baby. Only they can support him and appreciate him.
- Rejection of appearance. Self-esteem can be destroyed in an instant if you even once “go through” the shortcomings of a child’s appearance. Most often, the words of adult loved ones are perceived as the absolute truth. Under no circumstances should you tell your teenage daughter that she has gained a lot of weight. You need to buy a gym membership and offer to go there together or go for morning jogs as a couple. Very often, comments that were made to a child in childhood about his appearance develop in the future into very strong complexes.
- Excessive severity. Often, for any reason, parents do not miss the opportunity to punish their child for any even innocent offense. Therefore, the child is subsequently afraid to perform an unnecessary action, so as not to receive a reprimand. Subsequently, such a child grows into a very insecure adult.
It is very important to always keep your finger on the pulse and feel the mood of your child. The result of educational conversations or actions will depend on this. When a child is very excited, then you should not morally “finish off” him even more. Let him calm down a little and then the lectures will be more productive.
It is worth noting that criticism and punishment in front of other adults and children also significantly reduces self-esteem. It is better to sort out all mistakes and bad behavior at home, rather than in a public place.
And among a child’s circle of friends, you shouldn’t make loud remarks at all, otherwise he may also lose friends, which leads not only to a decrease in self-esteem, but also to possible depression.
Is it possible to understand the reason?
Getting to the root causes of low self-esteem is very, very difficult. It's like guessing what the root system of an unfamiliar plant looks like. Sometimes a complex can develop because of one carelessly spoken word that everyone has long forgotten. Everything except the addressee. Moreover, even understanding that “something went wrong” with a little person is sometimes also difficult. All of the above signs or, in extreme cases, very similar symptoms can be found in children who are completely adequate in this regard. Different characters, different temperaments, different standards. You can only count on the parent’s intuition, his sensitivity to changes in certain behavior patterns of his own child.
Parental guilt?
Most often, parents do not try to find a middle ground in their parenting style and stick to one of two options. They either constantly perform all the baby’s actions instead of him and at the same time tell him that he won’t succeed. Or they force the child to do some work on his own, which he simply cannot yet do.
In the first case, the child will eventually believe the words of adults and conclude that he himself will not be able to do anything. And in the second case, the baby will get tired of the futility of his actions and stop taking the initiative.
In most cases, only adults are to blame for a child’s poor self-esteem. Therefore, you need to think before making an inappropriate remark to your child or even insulting him.
How to deal with it?
Low self-esteem requires mandatory adjustment, and the first person who can and should help the little person is the mother. Sincere praise, emphasis on successes and merits, ignoring any failures or justifying them by circumstances beyond the child’s control are the main tools of help. Encourage your baby, praise him and often tell him how glad you are that you have him, how lucky you are to have him.
If the problem grows on the basis of relationships with peers, it is more difficult to solve it, and it needs to be done more subtly. Direct appeals to the offenders will not achieve anything and may even have the opposite effect. Find out the reason for this attitude of peers and help your child eliminate it. If, for example, this is ridicule due to clumsiness - enroll in the sports section, problems with speech - start visiting a speech therapist, etc. Holidays organized with the participation of classmates in his honor work well (for example, for a birthday or on the occasion of success in some area).
Heightened self-esteem
High self-esteem has just as negative an impact on a child as low self-esteem. If a child has a sense of his own greatness, he will behave arrogantly. Will not take other people's opinions into account in any disputes. And he will think that he is right in every situation that happens to him.
A child with high self-esteem is likely to become a manipulator. The main goal of his life will be to control the people who surround him.
He will see that other children are weak. At the same time, he will not notice his weaknesses. Even if they are.
A child with too high self-esteem utters the phrases “Only I can do this”, “No one is better than me”, “I am the smartest”, “I am the strongest”, and so on.
A child with too high self-esteem treats other children condescendingly. Humiliates and offends them.
High self-esteem is bad.
Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is also a fairly serious problem. Children who have it are unsure of their abilities. They are afraid to take on important matters. Because they think they can't handle them.
Children with low self-esteem are constantly in a state of anxiety. They take any insults personally. For example, when a child is sitting in a company of four people, and one of the interlocutors says to the others, “You are fools,” the child begins to get offended. He thinks that this insult is addressed specifically to him. Not the entire campaign.
Children who have low self-esteem suffer morally. They are in a state of uncertainty around the clock. They think that they are not beautiful, smart and strong enough. This negatively affects the child's future life.
Adequate self-esteem
The child must have adequate self-esteem. If he possesses it, he will be able to exist comfortably in society.
A child with adequate self-esteem will be able to achieve his goals. Communicate kindly with other people. Support them. Rejoice in both other people's achievements and your own.
In addition, a child with an adequate type of self-esteem will feel supported by his parents. He will know that he is valued, loved and respected. And he will also understand that he is needed.
If a child grows up with love and respect, then in the future he will be able to achieve high achievements in his career. And he can build a strong family.
A note in a diary is not an assessment of personality!
As they get older, children are faced with a gradation that is glaring in its injustice and psychological illiteracy - in terms of academic performance. In the school community, the labels “C student” and even more so “B student” are a stamp that is very difficult to wash off and which determines the general attitude towards the student. It is important to form the correct attitude of the child towards this issue. A grade is not only not an assessment of a person, but also not even a criterion of knowledge and learning abilities. And in the end, only the attitude towards this issue in the family can help the student not to build vicious cause-and-effect relationships and transfer them to himself.
Praise your child!
How to increase self-esteem and confidence in a child of any age? A very important rule that parents most often forget about is praising their child. And not for beautiful clothes or a smile, but for actions. He helped you pack your things, took pity on the kitten in the yard, carried your neighbor’s bag - all these actions deserve respect and praise.
There is an opinion that too much attention can cause a child to become spoiled. Then the parents completely forget about their functions - the main evaluator of the baby’s actions. If a child is constantly left without praise for his positive actions, he will eventually stop doing them.
How to increase self-esteem in a 5 year old child? This age is very controversial regarding the child’s understanding of the consequences of his actions. Therefore, it is necessary to feel the measure in the number of comments made to him in one day. If you constantly tell a child about his shortcomings in behavior, then he will become completely confused and get out of control.
How to properly punish a child?
When forming normal self-esteem, it is very important not only to encourage the child, but also to punish. When punishing a child, you must adhere to a number of rules.
- Punishment should not be harmful to health - neither psychological nor physical. Moreover, it should only bring benefits.
- If you are in doubt whether to punish a child or not, do not punish. Even if they have already realized that they are usually indecisive and soft. No “preventions”.
- One punishment at a time. The punishment can be severe, but only one for everything at once.
- Punishment should not be at the expense of love. Do not take your warmth away from your child, no matter what happens.
- In case of misconduct, never take away things that you gave.
- In some cases, you can cancel the punishment. Even if he raised his voice at you or misbehaved worse than ever, but at the same time today he protected the weak or helped the sick. Just be sure to explain to your child why you did this.
- It is better not to punish at all than to punish late. Late punishments remind the child of the past and prevent him from changing for the better.
- Punished means forgiven. If the case is exhausted, do not remember “past sins.” Don't interfere with starting a new life. By remembering the past, you will create a feeling of “eternal guilt” in your child.
- Never humiliate. If a child believes that you have treated him unfairly, punishment may have the opposite effect.
The child is not punished in the following cases:
- If he is sick or not feeling well.
- Before bed, after sleep, when he eats, while working or playing.
- Immediately after physical or mental trauma.
- When a child, making sincere efforts, fails to cope with inattention, fear, irritability, mobility and any other deficiency.
- When you don’t understand the internal motives of an action. When we are tired, irritated for some specific reason, or not ourselves.
Don't praise it!
It is worth remembering that with the wrong upbringing, you can raise a proud narcissist. Therefore, you need to be very careful with praise. There is no need to shower your child with kisses and honors at every simple action.
In this case, the child will not be able to separate the significance of his actions. In a team, it is forbidden to allow one member to perform actions that are prohibited to others.
You definitely need to give your child compliments, but with regard to appearance, such words should not be excessively frequent. From an early age, a child must feel the limits of what is permitted and stop in time in his wrong actions in order to avoid the due punishment.
Parents must show their child that he is not the head of the family, but his opinion is valued and taken into account. First of all, he is a child, and must respect his elders and listen to their opinions.
Lose situations
Offer your child situations in which he should portray himself. Situations can be different: taken from life or invented. Additional roles during the enactment can be played by parents or other children. Sometimes it's worth switching roles.
Examples of situations could be:
- You and your friend took part in the competition. You took first place, and your friend was almost last. Help calm him down.
- Mom brought three apples for you and your brother (or sister). How can you divide them? Why?
- The children from your group in kindergarten are passionate about an interesting game, you are late. Ask them to join the game. Your actions if they refuse to accept you.
This game will help your child learn effective ways of behavior and use them in real life.
Be attentive to your children, praise and encourage them, spend more time with them and you will help your child fill his life with bright colors and make him happier.
conclusions
Self-esteem is primarily formed in the family where the child lives. Success in all areas of life in the future will depend on the degree of its development. It is in the power of parents to prepare their child for future adult life.
Many successful people could not reach their heights if they knew that it was impossible. How to increase self-esteem in a 13 year old child? First of all, you need to love your child and listen to his opinion. In this case, he will open his wings and fly through life with confidence. Only confident people can achieve all their goals.
All these rules will help you understand how to raise your child’s self-esteem. Then calm and peace will reign in the family. Parents will be confident that the heir will become a successful person in the future, and even if some goals are not achieved, no major tragedy will happen in the family.
The right help
Often adults do not adhere to the golden mean even in the simplest activity - doing homework. They either complete it completely instead of their children or leave their child alone with unsolvable tasks.
How to increase self-esteem in a 9-year-old child? It is necessary to complete such tasks together, but not to immediately say the answer in order to save your time, but to push the child in the right direction and then the child will come to the decision on his own.
It is very important to offer your help and not impose it. The child should ask for help himself, then he will feel your support in controversial issues in the future. You can also raise the self-esteem of a 10-year-old child in this way.
