Lack of confidence in one’s strengths, capabilities and attractiveness arises when a person does not accept himself as he is and does not love himself. How wonderful life is for those people who are confident in themselves, in their capabilities, they accept themselves as they already are, in the present moment.
These people are often happy with their lives and what happens in it. After all, they are used to making conscious choices themselves, setting a goal, and starting to do something to achieve it. As a result, they get something, achieve something and, in principle, are satisfied with the result. Either they are not completely satisfied - then they change something, or they redo it and bring it to the end.
What prevents you from being satisfied with yourself, being confident in yourself and confessing your love to other people? Those who constantly complain that they are losers, nothing works out for them, everything falls out of their hands. They are not happy with their results. Moreover, they already predict their failure in advance. After all, they are not confident in their abilities, they do not love themselves. What is the reason for their troubles and dissatisfaction?
I think the reasons most often lie in childhood. When a child grows up in a family and does not receive due attention. Such a child is compared with other children, and not in his favor. Mom says: “Look, Masha is doing well, she’s neat, she studies well, she knows how to speak beautifully. And you? You can’t do anything.” And what remains for such a child? He gets upset and believes his mom. After all, in reality he is such a loser and doesn’t know how to do anything.
Often these children receive little to no praise or encouragement for their good deeds and grades at school.
Self-esteem drops and they practically begin to feel this way among their peers. And their peers, sensing this, can also tease them and further aggravate the situation.
Growing up and moving into adulthood, many of them cannot increase their self-esteem on their own. They also now compare themselves with other people not in their favor. After all, their mother’s words remained inside them and now turned into internal self-criticism. How to be? How can I improve the life of such a person? How to develop confidence? How to love yourself?
How to love yourself and increase self-esteem? Psychology of self-deception.
Everyone without exception engages in self-deception, although some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent. As stated at the beginning of the article, it arises from the pattern of interaction with parents in childhood. During this period, a person’s brain is actively developing and all information received when experiencing stress is retained and is difficult to change in the future. The brain is designed in such a way that it does not want to be relearned. Imagine being forced every day to learn how to hold a fork correctly. Get tired of it? Yes, because you learned this in childhood and to this day you independently use the knowledge. Also with self-love.
If in early childhood you experienced a strong craving for your parents (especially your mother), did not receive proper love, you were drilled, often punished, called names, etc., without even saying a word of love, this will persist forever. The subconscious will retain the thought of one’s own insignificance, uselessness, and uselessness, because the parents pointed this out. Not so exaggerated, of course, but we often scold ourselves, for example: - Here I am..... I messed up again! And this happens automatically, the person does not even notice it.
Self-esteem, as a negative factor in this case, works against the individual. What a person lacked during his upbringing, on a subconscious level, he wants to make up for in adulthood. Example and sequence:
- As a child, you became interested in creating electronic music;
- In the initial stages, it turned out to be too amateurish, there was not enough mastering and arrangement, and the melody was not to the liking of the potential listener - the parents talked about this, although they did not interfere with the teenager’s passion;
- As a young man, he graduated from a music college, received a diploma with honors and became an official performer of club music, having included a new track for the evaluation of his parents, knowing about their incompetence in this matter, expecting a positive review, he again receives a low “paternal-maternal” score;
- And then he tries...
In the above example, we note that the parental assessment for the young man is authoritative, because after it he himself will begin to think that the tracks are not ideal and will continue to prove that he can, without stopping. You will want to know information about how to love yourself, advice from a psychologist and instructions for use in a moment of clarity.
A person tries, works, and after demonstrating his work receives an underestimated assessment, because of this, enthusiasm fades over time and an understanding of its uselessness comes, because psychological discomfort increases, impeding self-development and the work itself. As a result, a person gives up his “dream job”, pointing out his own incompetence. Such is self-deception.
The psychologist's first advice: Don't waste time trying to prove your superiority to someone!
Recognizing yourself as a full-fledged person
To love yourself - what does this even mean as a mandatory verdict? After all, this is exactly how you need to perceive the need to put your thoughts and feelings in order in order to harmonize your future life without self-reproach and self-hatred. To love yourself, you need, at a minimum, to recognize yourself as an individual, formed personality, a full-fledged unit of society, a part of society. People who look for flaws in themselves and consider their own existence useless are obviously following the wrong path. By humiliating themselves, their human qualities, belittling their abilities, they thereby drive themselves into a dead-end state from which it is quite difficult to get out.
How to cope with this pathology and realize your personal integrity?
- Determine your self-sufficiency. It doesn’t matter at all whether a person has a soulmate or not - he is already an integral unit of society. It doesn’t matter at all whether he has an expensive car - people cannot be judged only by their material wealth. It is possible to love yourself without any reason, because love, finances and similar things come and go, but belonging to society remains a constant factor.
- Objectively evaluate your activities. You cannot regularly look for a catch in yourself and look for negativity in your actions. For every wrong action, there is a correct and deliberate step taken; life is not just about collecting your own mistakes.
- Accept yourself as a gift received from above, in the form of material with which you can and should work, and not as an unsuccessful, useless fake, thrown by a scoundrel of fate. People are the arbiters of their own destinies, the sculptors of their bodies and the smiths of their own happiness, therefore only hard work can achieve success, and self-criticism and giving up have never helped anyone achieve self-realization in this difficult world.
We give away love... For some reason...
Most are eager to fulfill their duty, work, educate, get tired, give themselves and their strength to another (spouse, parents, child), which is why they don’t have enough time to stop for a moment and talk to themselves, but when they come to a psychotherapist, they get acquainted with the cause of all the troubles and they ask the question: “Psychologist, how to love yourself?” This happens at the age of 30-40 (midlife crisis), when half of your life is already behind you, in a state of moral and emotional exhaustion.
Ask any girl: “How to accept yourself as you are?”, without hesitation you will receive a quick but unclear answer, because everyone knows, but does not know how to use it. Why? Because there is no energy. At an unconscious level, it is spent on imaginary fatigue, apathy, depression, and is taken for the most part from the assessments that we expect from the outside. Low self-esteem takes away energy.
To say: “I don’t love myself” means not to be aware of one’s personality, the purpose of the tasks and the importance of the results. Since forcing yourself to love means beginning to realize yourself, you will have to free yourself from autonomy in everyday life. But how?
- It’s stupid to waste personal time and energy repeating phrases: “I don’t love myself and people” “I’m not worthy” “I’m unlucky” “I’m being persecuted by the law of meanness”;
- You shouldn’t blame yourself for anything, remember bad episodes, get angry at your enemies and be sad about the past;
- We need to find a solution, and not “bury” ourselves even deeper.
Second advice from a psychologist: Stop soul-searching!
Forgive your offenders.
“What else, forgive those who ruined my life,” many will say and they will be wrong. No one forces a person to look for the numbers of former classmates who humiliated him, to invite them to a meeting, to try to make friends. Such radicalism is unnecessary. It's about getting the negativity out of your head. To do this, you may have to remember a lot of what happened in past years.
High school students who hid their briefcase or threw their brand new pencil case out the window. The nasty girl next door who called me names during meetings. The first love, in response to the confession, laughed contemptuously in the face. Relatives making comparisons with more successful peers during family conversations. People keep all this in their heads, perhaps often remembering and even coming up with plans for revenge, clearly many years too late.
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Everything that happened was a unique experience , even if not the best. Yes, such an attitude on the part of others had an impact at one time, but this is absolutely no reason to accumulate grievances, cherish them for many years and be angry with those who allegedly ruined your whole life. School bullies are a thing of the past. They grew up long ago, many started their own families and probably forgot about those they laughed at.
It is worth forgiving the offenders. Children can be cruel and try to assert themselves at the expense of others, relatives hardly wished harm, and the first lover had the right not to experience any feelings in return. You can try to forgive the offenders, not curse them and just forget. It would be more rational to spend time on those who are dear and close. And, first of all, to yourself.
Installation: I don't love myself.
“I really don’t like myself, but I should be loved!” - an idea passed down from generation to generation by many women, hence selfishness, absurd and groundless jealousy (see How to be jealous correctly?), the creation of conflicts “out of the blue,” but after the departure of the beloved comes suffering, torment of consciousness.
Men, on the other hand, are distinguished by a sharp activation of aggression at a moment of uncertainty - all the body’s defensive reactions are involved, causing the brain to literally boil. They suffer more due to the absence of a father or insufficient interaction with him.
The excuses for this behavior are ridiculous, but each is easy to justify:
- He (s) is to blame for this! If he (s) had not...., I would not have become like this (him)! (People tend to blame another for violating the quality of their life, shifting responsibility for it to a second person, however, they do not recognize that their life is only in their hands - we live only once and only our life, no one else lives it for us);
- I'm not ideal! (When trying to demonstrate strengths in order to attract a person’s attention, a belief in one’s ideal image is born, along with the accumulation of irritation from the fact that there is no opportunity to be oneself. You have to follow the initial guidelines, omitting the weaknesses. Carefully hiding the true “I” in case of failure provokes depression , and also becomes a reason for moving away from a partner who does not understand your nature. It is more advisable to be yourself, listen to your mind and body, admit your weaknesses to a loved one, this will bring you closer and you will receive the support necessary to restore your emotional background. Otherwise, you will reach the reverse stage , you risk rejecting yourself, wondering again how to accept and love yourself );
- If he (s) loved me, then he (s) would be happy! (More often, such a thought comes to insecure women at a time when the husband, at first glance, is unreasonably angry, too thoughtful or upset. She thinks that the reason lies in her and begins to cheat: “Did you over-salt the borscht? Did you iron your shirt wrong? said? Someone else has appeared, but I’m no longer needed? ", which he’s in no hurry to figure out; on the contrary, he’s trying to do everything better, imposing a haunting thought: “I hate myself and don’t love myself, but I’ll try to make my husband happy!” smile at her husband. The woman becomes hysterical and offended, but all she had to do was find out what happened and support her, and if that doesn’t work, don’t take the failure on herself. Remember the well-known thought: “Another person’s soul is in the dark” and don’t be biased towards other people's actions);
- I prefer to keep my distance without revealing my feelings, in case someone starts judging or laughing at me! (It was already mentioned above about the mask. No contact is born between a person and a mask. You need to unite with your loved one with your soul);
- We compete so much! (In the pursuit of high self-esteem, people often lose their human appearance, go over their heads and treat others in a bad way, this suspicious anger is a barrier between a person and society, and is needed so that people begin to fear and respect, however, such people are more often avoided. As for relationships, here, too, one’s own advantages and the imperfections of the second partner are periodically emphasized. The result is divorce, because from this kind of conflict the connection between the spouses is lost, no one will tolerate humiliation. Putting yourself in the place of your partner, you will feel what haunted you in childhood .Deservedly? No! You shouldn’t tyrannize your loved ones);
- I'm always right)! (The desire to dominate is similar to the one described above. The situation is complex in which one of the partners is convinced that he is right, and the other contradicts. There is a mutual pressure on self-esteem: “You don’t agree with me, does that mean you don’t love me? It turns out you’re right, and I'm not? You're good, and I'm crazy? Or stupid, do you mean?" attacks. How to love yourself? In interpersonal relationships, if no one gives in, the struggle for the “throne of rightness” provokes the dissolution of relationships (love, business));
- You don’t have to do anything for me, otherwise they will poke and ask for reciprocity, I don’t want to be obligated to anyone! (Since we, in principle, cannot love ourselves and begin to respect ourselves in childhood, being under the command of our elders, we’ll start from there. How often did your parents force you to perform impossible tasks? Were they blackmailed with candy, watching cartoons, going on a walk, or permission to play a video game console? in case you do this or that job? Of course, yes. Plus this can be betrayal of friends, unhappy first love, undergoing fraud... All this creates the attitude “There is no selflessness in the world!”, Yes, it’s better to believe in it, but you should rationally evaluate actions towards you from another person, otherwise you risk being left alone. If the attitude is functioning against you and you notice it, honestly admit to the person trying to gain your trust that you are not able to trust, you need time. If he loves you, he will wait).
The above aspects are the realities into which we drag ourselves. By understanding and objectively evaluating your thoughts and actions, you can establish a balance between “ How to accept yourself and your life ?” and “I’m not that bad!”
Commitment to change for the better
To stop moonshine and self-torture, you need to strive for the best. How to do it?
- You need to be able to think positively - having a clear mind and thoughts, a person gets rid of phobias and feelings of self-doubt.
- It is necessary to get rid of negativity - the entire emotional burden of negative energy prevents you from moving forward and striving for better.
- You need to develop your logical and mental abilities - this will certainly lead to an effective outcome of working on yourself and your shortcomings.
- You should work out a methodology for programming yourself for success - by betting on the successful completion of your activities (work, study, any other field of activity), you can achieve what you want and prove to yourself your importance, which will certainly help you love yourself.
Lessons taught on oneself always yield generous results from the work done, if there is truly a great desire for this and a result orientation.
Where to get the recharge from?
A lot has already been said about how a man, a woman, a girl or a boy can love himself, but you will agree that you don’t really want to follow only prohibitions; you need a plan. As you understand, self-esteem is supported not only from a rational vision of one’s own person, but also from the assessment of one’s immediate environment. So, adhering to the rules stated above will force society to evaluate your personality positively. As for your opinion of yourself, work on one psychological technique.
4 hours after lunch, take 5,000-10,000 rubles and go to a shopping center or supermarket. Take a cart, go through all the departments, but stay there longer than usual. Study every product that comes your way. After 2-3 hours, leave there without shopping. Can you handle it?
- If yes, then you have excellent self-control! Reward yourself with an hour-long walk in the park. Why is this necessary? The answer is simple: the benefits associated with burning extra calories and additionally feeding the brain with oxygen.
- If not, this is an indicator of self-pity, indicating that you already unconsciously love yourself by feeling sorry for yourself.
This simple method helps you look for the positives in all situations, regardless of the physical severity or the ease of getting out of it. How to accept yourself as complete , for example? Fat people differ from thin people in that they find emotional nourishment in foods, and do not lose weight because they feel sorry for themselves (the energy mentioned above, spent on self-pity and persuading oneself, self-deception “Okay, not today, I’ll start next Monday "should be spent on working with yourself). Looking at food sensibly, looking only for the positive in a meal, and not eating away stress with candy and fast food is much more difficult than “giving up on everything.”
Since you will be able to love yourself and increase your self-esteem after 10-15 such exercises, please take the technique seriously and at least for the fifth time try to focus on self-control. You will feel the result that same evening, but when you return home, you should not rush to food like a lion to an antelope. The method shows how to accept and love yourself, and the psychology of a person’s subconscious gradually improves itself.
How to love yourself? “Need-want” attitude.
Most people in our country live devoting themselves to unloved activities for the sake of money, which is practically not spent on themselves due to the presence of children, numerous responsibilities, loans, etc. At the same time, there is no time left for yourself, your desires and favorite activities. The longer this program of doom drags on, the more unhappy the person is, because what he once wanted is forgotten, priorities have been changed. How to love yourself in such conditions? You need to understand that we only live once and, stopping for a minute, think about what you would really like to do. Above we looked at the example of a novice musician, and we’ll continue with that.
... After numerous attempts to demonstrate his compositions to his parents, he realized that it was better to end this business. He stopped selling his music and went to work as a manager for the company. After some time, he began to be visited by thoughts about the meaninglessness of existence, an ardent need to compose music appeared, he sat down at the computer and realized that nothing was working - the inspiration was gone.
Do you think millionaires work hard? Are they as unhappy as our hero? No! Everything is balanced for them: they prioritize the unloved and difficult moments for the psyche, and at the end of the day they do what their soul requires. And the happiest people are those who do exclusively what brings joy and euphoria.
Understand what you really want.
This means forgetting about what parents demanded or what friends imposed on them. If you are not attracted to medicine, then what is the point of graduating from a corresponding university and doing something you don’t like all your life? The same goes for hobbies. Even if someone laughs at the fact that a person in adulthood sculpts from plasticine, glues ship models and watches cartoons, you just shouldn’t pay attention. The activity is fun, and that’s the main thing. There is no need to chase fashion, imitate someone, doing something that makes you sick. It is important to do everything to make you comfortable and interesting.
Feed your inner child!
Those who ask how to love themselves deliberately keep in their memory a negative moment from childhood, be it an unbought toy or a father’s drill, a broken bottle put to the chest by teenagers or unrequited love in elementary school.
Yes, all this is offensive, I would like to change everything, correct it, hit back at the unfortunate father, trample a group of assholes into the mud and discover on a social network the first love “at a broken trough”, but today you are an adult, and the offense holds the child inside you. Has anyone supported you in the past? No. Today you can do it yourself.
Move away from society, talk to the offended child, calm him down, support him, it won’t be too difficult for you, and he may admit that it was precisely this dialogue that was missing. It sounds a little crazy, but we can afford it. Let him cry, scold everyone who caused considerable psychological and physical harm. Make friends and communicate under circumstances that are partially reminiscent of the past, be with him during victories and praise him for his help. Give him what he demands, remembering your childhood desires:
- Buy your favorite ice cream;
- Remote controlled machine;
- Doll;
- Take him to places reminiscent of the best days of his youth;
- Ask him how to accept yourself correctly and perhaps he will tell you exactly what you lack for this.
Build this relationship, no matter how stupid it may look, you should not involve a third party in this friendship, this friendship with yourself.
We are looking for the root cause of dislike
We all come from childhood and therefore, as a rule, the root cause also has roots in our distant past. Very often it can be found in the daughter family and the relationships in it. Significant social institutions of childhood, mainly school, can also influence the formation of self-acceptance. But there may also be a sports section, a creativity club and many other institutions that have undermined faith in their abilities and the possibility of success.
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How to accept yourself as you are? Advice from a psychologist.
Accepting yourself in your natural form, with all its shortcomings and advantages, is a difficult task, but it can be done, and the result depends on how successful you are. There are many exercises for daily consciousness training.
So how to love yourself? Psychologist's advice:
- Ask yourself: What do I look like? How do I evaluate others? Are many people drawn to my person? Why? Add up the answers and decide whether you need to resort to changing your nature;
- Every day before work, stand in front of the mirror and ask: “Who is in front of me?” If you are a sad and angry person, straighten your face with a smile, let it be an actor’s performance. Remember the third part of the movie “Spider-Man”, the moment where the main character is transformed and dances. How many girls looked at him with a smile or bewilderment? Yes. He attracted the attention of many and lifted the spirits of many, at least for a minute. By smiling at people you meet for no reason, self-hypnosis will play a good role - your mood will gradually acquire “realness.” The method will help you see a happy person in the mirror every morning, satisfied with life;
- When you appear in society, share pleasant news every day, no matter what, trivial or significant. The number of phrases thrown in your direction: “Well done! I’m happy for you!”, it will be added, which is more impressive, some people will begin to envy you, and you will look at them the same way they once looked at you;
- Do exercises, walk more often and pamper yourself. It is necessary to reward yourself for any achievements: salary, general tidying up in the apartment. Walking and sports will tone the body, which will give you more energy for hobbies and interaction with people.
Remember, loving yourself does not mean being selfish, it means self-awareness, comparing evaluative aspects from the outside and internal sensations - creating a balance between them.
Test: level of self-esteem.
We told you how to learn to accept yourself, however, we recommend taking a test to reveal how much you are mired in self-deception and the difference between who you really are and how you present yourself and present yourself in society. To ensure a fair result, give honest answers.
1. Are your parents divorced?
2. I will take off my last shirt for the sake of my beloved! - is this about you?
3. Do you catch yourself thinking that you are being haunted by signs and numbers that accompany failures?
4. Are you always striving to achieve your goal?
5. Remember the situation where parents say: “First, clean up, wash the dishes, vacuum, and then you can go for a walk!”?
6. Do you work so much that if they try to interfere with your schedule with their requests, do you feel angry?
7. Do you consider yourself a smart person in many areas?
8. Anyone who did something for you later declared you ungrateful?
9. Do you strive to dominate in society and relationships?
10. Do you think about what others will think of you?
11. Do you blame yourself for the unsuccessful outcome of events?
12. Being unmarried, who did you prefer as your wife(husband)?
13. You are offered the position of director with a salary 5 times higher, but also responsibility 5 times higher. Do you agree?
14. Do you often discuss other people's lives?
15. Did your first love provoke severe depression?
16. Were you deprived of much as a child?
17. Are you friends with your mother in the format: “I can tell you the most intimate”?
18. If your loved one cheated on you, you:
19. When you meet a person, do you immediately open up?
20. Do you often remember people from the past who left a negative mark on your soul?
If you have any questions, you can write them in the comments. We wish you all the best!
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