10 things you need to do to fall in love with life again

In this article, psychologist Anna Evlitskaya answers the question “How to love your wife again and forget your mistress?”

Of course, it is rare to meet a man who, even when registering his marriage, thought about where he would go today in order to cheat on his newly-made wife. At first, family life goes well, as the newlyweds enjoy their status, the gifts they receive, and each other.

A month later, gray everyday life begins, which can also be easily endured if, by and large, everything in the life of each spouse remains the same as before. However, the need to spend time together every day, face everyday and life problems, and coordinate one’s opinion with the partner’s point of view causes quarrels to arise.

Over the years, spouses become so accustomed to each other that their emotions subside. There is no longer any passion or love, all that remains is just respect (at best) and habit. However, spouses may have constant conflicts that are already so tired of their presence that the man wants to relax. The wife does not understand, does not want to hear, does not take into account the interests of her husband and generally treats him as a slave who must bring money home. All this together makes a man ready to cheat if a person appears on the horizon who makes him worry, internally experience passion, desire her, think about her, etc.

It’s not always that a mistress appears for one night or hangs herself around a man’s neck. Sometimes situations develop in such a way that men become interested and even fall in love with other women, who are then offered secret relationships that their wives should not know about.

We won’t talk about men acting badly. Everyone is free to decide for themselves how to live, and then be responsible for their own actions. As for love feelings, they generally belong to the realm of irrationality. If a person falls in love, then usually he does not think about what is good and what is bad. He is drawn to the object of his interest, which he practically cannot fight.

What are the reasons for an irresistible craving for a mistress?

Why can’t a man, despite all his desire to part with his mistress in order to return to his wife, do this? The reasons for an irresistible craving for another woman can be anything. There are men who, on a subconscious level, are drawn to their mistresses because they have some traits that remind them of their mothers or their first love:

The voice is similar to my mother's.
The smell reminds of the times when a man was young and energetic.
The look is captivating, just as it was when a man first fell in love.

A mistress can remind a man of something pleasant, be associated with childhood or mother, which makes it difficult to part with her.

The most common and common reason is sex. If a wife very rarely agrees to intimacy, while she has certain taboos on positions that are interesting to a man, she is no longer burning with passion, then a mistress who does not have these shortcomings will definitely captivate her. The man would be glad to part with her. But a return to a woman who not only cannot satisfy him sexually, but simply does not want to satisfy him, will soon force him to look for a mistress again.

Another reason for an irresistible craving for a mistress can be emotions. Over the years of married life, the emotions of passion and love have probably subsided. The man has already forgotten that he is a man, since his wife has not behaved like a woman for a long time. However, here she appears, who soon becomes a mistress, because she evokes within a man those forgotten feelings that make him a hunter, a gambler, simply a man.

A man can even fall in love and fall in love with his mistress. He had not experienced these feelings for a long time, since they were not in the least fueled by his wife. However, a woman appeared who called them. The man doesn’t know her well, he hasn’t lived with her and hasn’t quarreled many times, which is why he falls in love with her, thinking that he’s coming to life again.

If a man does not intend to destroy his family just because of feelings, then he may hesitate for a long time to part with his mistress, who simply makes him alive and a man. While emotions are burning, it will be difficult for him not to think about her, even if he does break up.

A mistress can also make you think about yourself, if not a man, but she left him. This can happen if a woman is not ready to be a mistress, that is, she initially refuses to have a relationship with a married man, or over time she remembers that she also deserves to be happy in a marriage that she cannot create with her lover. If the mistress leaves on her own, then the man’s ego may rise, which will not allow him to part with him ahead of time. Then a man can try to return his mistress, not being able to forget about the one who left on her own.

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On the one hand, sexual desire is completely normal for both men and women, and with the modern rhythm of life, libido is more often sought to be increased than decreased. On the other hand, sometimes there are periods in life when constant thoughts about sex, sexual fantasies arising from an excess of desire, only interfere. There are simple and safe ways to temporarily reduce libido. So, if you want sex too much, then... 1- You can start doing intense physical exercise. Running, gymnastics, exercise equipment, and swimming are best suited. At the same time, you should indulge in these activities regularly until you feel very tired. Sports games also go well with sports exercises: football, volleyball, tennis, in general, any type of physical activity in which most of the muscles of the body “work.” 2 – Another, probably the most “ancient” way to lower libido is a cold shower or swimming in cool water, but in this case you should take into account the body’s general reaction to cold water and be wary of colds and other similar diseases. 3 – You can lower your libido by starting to diet and eat appropriate foods. Just as there are aphrodisiac products, there are also “anti-aphrodisiacs” that can be easily purchased at any store. These are, first of all, vegetables and fruits, juices, cheeses (but not all), and other dairy products, except cream. As well as mineral water, cereals, cereals. The “anti-sexual” diet includes avoiding spicy foods and spices, all kinds of nuts, olives, and seafood. It is necessary to limit the consumption of fish and meat to a minimum, or completely abandon them. In addition, those who want to stop wanting sex are advised to give up energy drinks, carbonated drinks and, of course, alcoholic drinks, as well as various kinds of sweets, among which chocolate and honey come first. You should also not eat eggs or mushrooms. In addition, the fewer calories the body receives, the less it “wants” to waste them on sex.

About everything…

How to improve relationships with your spouse?

If you decide to return to your family, then you are definitely faced with the question of how to improve your relationship with your wife. If she doesn't know about your cheating, it will be much easier. She is still faithful and trusts you. However, when it comes to feelings and intimacy, there are probably problems in your relationship.

To forget about his mistress, a man needs to be at least a little interested in his wife, so that this becomes an additional incentive not to return to the betrayal that has already been committed. How can I do that?

Look at your woman as a stranger. Surely something has changed in her over the years. Besides her old age and grumpiness, you can certainly see good sides in her. You simply stopped noticing them, maybe even you are unusual in seeing them, since you are only used to making scandals and running away from your wife. Try to get to know her again as if you don't know her.
Remember what she was like when you fell in love with her. Surely, much of what you fell in love with at first is still present in her, you just don’t give a reason for these qualities to manifest themselves. Surely your wife can have fun and have fun, you just don’t take her anywhere so that she can relax. Most likely, your wife can have a heart-to-heart conversation with you, it’s just that you haven’t tried to talk about yourself for a long time and listen to what your wife wants to share with you.
Learn to communicate. Men often close themselves off from their wives because they see that they are not understood or listened to. However, in fact it turns out that men themselves do not always show understanding towards women and take into account their interests. If you start listening to your wife when she pours out her soul and consider her interests, then she too can change.
Give gifts. Surely you haven’t spoiled your wife just like that for a long time. Start giving her surprises sometimes for no reason. She is a woman, and she will be pleased if you give her gifts like a man.
Imagine breaking up with your wife. How will you feel? What actions will you be willing to take to get your wife back? You should imagine this picture in order to understand how dear your spouse is to you.
Start acting like a man. Only under the influence of male actions will a woman allow her feminine side to reveal itself. Give her money so she can buy herself beautiful clothes and visit a beauty salon. Let her help you when she needs to carry heavy bags or screw on a light bulb. Pick her up if you want to create a romantic atmosphere that promotes intimacy.

When parting with a lover, with whom you built not only a sexual relationship, but also an emotional one, you will have to spend a lot of effort. Firstly, you will have to go through that conversation when you talk through your teeth about breaking up. Moreover, you need to talk about this decisively so that your mistress does not think of it as a temporary respite.

You need to remain a person who sincerely speaks about your desires and understands your partner’s feelings. There is no need to suddenly disappear. Explain to your lover the reasons for your intention to return to your family and apologize if she is upset by your decision. However, you need to fulfill your intention and not return to your mistress in the future.

I don’t want a wife after giving birth! Changing female body.

As for the changes that the female body has undergone, the lack of desire, if it does not coincide with the aspects already outlined, is caused by a blow to self-esteem. Such men are pedants, they:

They constantly complicate everything;
They are trying to perfect their body, renovations in their apartment, etc.;
They attach high importance to low-profile details;
They live according to the regime and their own rules.

Due to the strong exaggeration of life aspects, they become boring, condemn everyone, insult them and do not value other people’s efforts without an ideal result. This arrogance becomes the basis for the emergence of disgust experienced towards the woman who gave birth. Stretch marks on the hips, swollen breasts... You don’t need to treat your choice like that. If your wife agrees, you can help her regain her previous figure.

If the issue is polygamy, I cannot help within the framework of this material, read: How to stop cheating on your wife? Tendency to cheat, greed for other women - these are moral principles, adhering to which you risk losing your family. What to do? Just accept your choice in a new guise and adjust it as possible.

How to forget your mistress and return to your wife?

In order for the return to your wife to be accomplished, you need to take all the steps to forget your mistress:

Don’t try to look for meetings with her, don’t call or write. Give yourself time to cool off your feelings for another woman.
Do not be interested in how things are going with your mistress when communicating with your mutual friends.
Spend more time with your wife. It’s better to occupy him with something interesting: romance, a joint vacation, travel, etc.
Keep yourself busy. You can simply remember your hobbies while you forget about your lover.

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Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna

Alexey, don’t try to forget, the more you try, the more you get bogged down in this, because it’s forbidden fruit and all the ensuing consequences from here. Analyze what exactly attracts you with your thoughts to her? Ease of meeting, romance, maybe a special understanding? Or good sex?

If you don't want to leave your family, then spend time with this family! Make your life in the family interesting and eventful - the same as your mistress provided for you. Spending interesting time together, doing things in common will bring you closer and redirect your attention. Try to understand what attracts you to that girl and find it in your own life. Eventually, meet her to get a feel for what it's like. But to be gloomy and unhappy at a time when your wife needs your support, and your eldest daughter needs special attention - this is really a sin :) Do whatever you want, but put yourself in order, remember that you are the head of the family and you are responsible for that how your loved ones feel. And how you achieve this - with or without a mistress - does not matter so much. But in general, you can always solve a problem in different ways, not just directly. Look for what you are missing and implement it in your family.

Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna, psychologist Moscow

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Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich

Sometimes life develops in such a way that an established life and carefully built family comfort become not the main thing. Suddenly She appears, another lady to whom he is unimaginably drawn, and now the years of life lived together with his wife are becoming a thing of the past. In the present, only she remains, a new passion, unknown, alluring, promising.

However, after a while, you begin to understand that marriage is a very important part of your life, and you want to stay only with her, that young lady whom you once chose as your partner. How to overcome an irrational and not always understandable feeling for another, how to learn to cope with this craving, sometimes even unhealthy? How to return to your family and love your wife with all your heart again?

The best way to change something is to understand it first. You need to put your emotions aside and figure out the reasons, and only then can you understand what exactly to do if you are strongly attracted to that other one.

What are the reasons for such an irresistible craving for another woman?

Surprisingly, the reasons can be so varied and so inexplicable that you are amazed. Some people have clear and strong associations with the childhood image of first love, pure, selfless, unclouded by partings, pain and betrayals. Such a factor sometimes becomes a smell that evokes some complex, but painfully pleasant feelings - and the aroma of her perfume will be felt for a long time in every gust of wind. The sound of her voice. Emotions from her appearance. Any fact, anything, and not necessarily a deep penetration into the soul.

It also happens that banal sex is one of the most common reasons.

In such cases, the appearance of a man’s mistress is usually associated with a lack of sex in the family bed or with a lack of variety. In any taboos that are categorically unacceptable by the spouse for one reason or another, or complexes. She sometimes has an inappropriate headache, she is tired when she comes home from work, there are many reasons for this - after all, your spouse lives with you, and does not just appear for some convenient time and disappear again. And the girl with whom a man dates and she does not have time to get used to him, will suddenly turn out to be an acrobat or will have an inexhaustible imagination with a complete absence of complexes. This is interesting in itself, and especially in the absence or lack of sex in married life.

It also happens that an acute feeling of falling in love with another person flares up. Sometimes even love. And it will seem a hundred times stronger than it ever was for your wife. Or vice versa, these feelings do not require commitment, they are easy and pleasant. And here the situation becomes more complicated: when you are in love, you see the other person brighter, deeper, more soulfully. Then, if the need comes to break ties and return to a normal life and marriage, it becomes too painful and confusing.

A woman is able to bind a man doubly by leaving him. It’s a paradox, of course, but nevertheless, then the hunter’s instinct is acutely triggered, and even if the man himself was already trying to break the existing connection, no one likes being abandoned. And in contrast, he begins to hold her, following his instincts.

What about your wife?

It's pretty clear why this happens. But what to do with this, how to return to the old, cozy home relationship with such a dear and painfully familiar wife? Try to see in her what attracted you once when you decided to start building a life together. Try to consider in it not only what was good once, but also what is beautiful in it today. Talk to her heart to heart, sincerely, remember that you have something to talk about and remember. She dreams of something, strives for something, loves something and wants something from life - it’s worth a lot.

What kind of wizard you will unexpectedly become if you give gifts not to the other one, but to your partner, who appreciates them and thanks you. Open yourself to her the same way you open her to yourself. Let me see your fears and dreams without fearing anything. Become understandable, accessible and close to her. Consider in her the person you are now looking for on the side. Surely you will discover those features that attract you in another woman, and in your wife - how long have you looked at her so closely? Once you started building your life together, it’s not too late to continue what you started, albeit from a different line.

Be Pygmalion, make yourself a lady from your wife. Tell her what you would like, what is important to you, what you value, especially if this has changed since the day you met or compared to the beginning of your life together. Time passes, changing people. Perhaps she will also be interested in trying on a different role. To return the image of herself to her former self - if she is tired and has forgotten her femininity in everyday life.

Think about how you will feel if your spouse leaves tomorrow and disappears from your life forever. Make sure this doesn't happen today. Then you will be able to evaluate how important it is for you to have her nearby - the one who remembers you as a young person, with whom you not only have common children, but also shared events and joys. No one else will remember them anymore except her.

If your lover is just for sex, you can break the connection by talking to her about your desire to return home. It’s just that no one will, and no one can give you advice in this matter - it depends on your mistress, on the nature of your relationship with her and many other, not always predictable, factors.

It's always more difficult to break up if your interactions were more emotional than physical.

You can, of course, do this abruptly and without explanation, simply by disappearing from her life. But this will be quite unpleasant not only for her, but also for you. Therefore, conversation will be a more humane way out in this situation. If you communicate on an emotional level, you may well be honest and open with her, she will appreciate and accept it, even if not immediately.

In any case, try not to hurt the other person, especially if you know the pain points. Of course, you will most want to protect yourself from unnecessary hassle and difficulties, but if it so happens that several actors are involved in the situation, you can try to protect them as much as possible.

It is important not to prolong the pleasure and take decisive steps without suspiciously returning to previous positions. The decision made requires implementation.

Why did the desire disappear? Psychological problems.

Most people who come to a psychotherapist ask: “Why don’t I want sex with my wife, I love her and she looks no worse than before?” To which my colleagues and I never give a direct answer, but analyze the root of the problem. The reasons are different, but they all come down to one thing - fixation on failure, not necessarily intimate.

Common psychological causes:

Apathy caused by a long period of emotional upsurge (A case that made you feel pretty nervous or have fun. Usually suffer from melancholic or phlegmatic people - introverts who are forced to spend a lot of time in the company of people. As a treatment, it is advisable to use moving a person to an environment where there is no one but him. But, so that loneliness does not develop into depression, periodically get out of there into a close circle of friends.);
Depression caused by loneliness (an incorrectly chosen profession for a person: accountant, programmer, copywriter, etc., makes sanguine and choleric people - extroverts who need energy recharging in society - feel out of place. They get it from contacts with people, therefore, staying within four walls exhausts them. In this case, it is advisable to go out more often, forgetting about work and bed problems.);
It is not the person who is chosen as an emotional stimulant, but the activity (With intimacy, happiness hormones are produced. The ranks of people who derive satisfaction from work more than from spending time in bed with their wife include mental workers. Businessmen, analysts, dreamers of creative professions fall under this criterion In this case, there is no need to get hung up and call the infrequency of sexual intercourse a problem, it is enough to clear your head before intimacy.);
Transferring intimate interest to a new person (The appearance of a mistress causes indignation, regret, confusion in the head, which does not have the best effect in bed. We can say that this is a punishment for infidelity or uncertainty. When you decide to part with one of your chosen ones, then the problem will go away.) ;
Unnatural stimulation of sexual desire (“You can’t go far with a handbrake!” is the correct thought, proving the harm of psychological attachment to self-satisfaction as a drug; there is substantiated evidence in psychology, one of the dominant ones is that fantasies are transferred to women on the screen, forming a new ideal of exciting beauty );
The inner world is different from the “caveman” (There is a small percentage of morally stable men who idealize a model of relationships in which sexual contact fits as the highest peak of the merging of souls. If sexual relations for you are something more than simple copulation for the sake of getting a “high”, you have conquered nature!);
Reprogrammed male consciousness to receive disappointment (If your wife often rejected you in bed or agreed, but intimacy turned out to be mediocre, this contributed to a large number of acts of disappointment, which led to disinterest in sex with her at all and, possibly, to a different way of intimacy (see paragraph No. 5) In this case, you need to think about the advisability of such a marriage if you see how it has changed your life.);
Frequency of conflicts with your wife (In your subconscious, scenes of negativity of your person and suppression of self-esteem are stored after each quarrel with your wife, because of this, you may unconsciously experience anger and resentment towards her. Many men are visited by unintentional thoughts like: “I love my wife, but I don’t want sex with her, because she doesn’t deserve my warmth and tenderness!”).

If the husband idealizes intimacy, and the wife views it as a “civic duty,” the union is doomed to problems in intimate relationships. When both evaluate sex equally, then desire arises in both at the same time, as does the peak of pleasure from it.