The whole truth about people suffering from addictions and their loved ones

or What are you crying about, maiden?

The topic of dependencies (addictions) is one of the most painful topics. Families in which this problem exists are no joke. But the science of psychology does not stand still, it is developing, that’s why it is a science, to make new discoveries based on leisurely observations.

And in the last decade, an almost revolutionary discovery was made - the main problem is not created by addicts themselves - they are only unfortunate “obviously guilty”, on whom it is convenient and logical to blame all possible accusations... The main problem is not created by addicts, but by co-dependents, that is , their close people.

Now in the science of psychology, a person who SUFFERS from the fact that someone close to him is sick with one or another addiction, such a person is closely considered by psychologists as the most important patient who needs treatment in the first place.

Note that it is not the drug addict who needs treatment in the first place, but his “old sick mother with lips blue from adversity and an empty wallet from which her pension was stolen.”

Roughly speaking, “an old sick mother” is the main evil, as psychologists have found out, and they found it out unanimously - psychologists from ALL schools “sign up” to this statement.

How did it start?

It started with a simple observation about a strange phenomenon. Psychologists who work in conjunction with ordinary doctors have immediately noticed that people with severe psychosomatics and simply with severe chronic diseases, attention:

have a tendency to create and maintain codependent relationships with the people around them.

Simpler: “sick” people being treated in a clinic for various diseases necessarily have a relative in the house who suffers from DEPENDENCE, at least dependence on themselves.

Even simpler: she is “all so sick,” and her husband is an alcoholic. (Option - son is a drug addict).

“What’s so surprising?” - you exclaim. Finished it - here is the patient.

No no no! Attention once again: doctors observed this: when they got to the clinic, being torn out of their families, these codependent people organized codependent relationships for themselves in the clinic either with the medical staff or with other patients.

(There are many codependent relationships; they include not only the conventional “drug addiction,” but more on that later).

What is codependency?

It’s very simple: codependency is any fused relationship . A special case of fused relationships is the tragic relationship of a relatively healthy person with a relative (or friend) who is an addict.

At the same time, a codependent person (“conditionally healthy” relative or friend) often has such qualities as:

• penchant for “rescue and heroism”,
• tendency to self-sacrifice,
• against the obligatory background: complete or partial absence of personal self-identification,
• and often gender self-identification.

(What is “lack of gender self-identification”? I will give vivid examples: this is a man who runs “for milk” and washes dishes for a family consisting of three women, besides him, this is a woman who carries a comb with broken hair in her bag for years teeth and wears men's shoes).

What exactly turns out to be the “fused”, “codependent” relationships that such a person is inclined to create? Simply put, why are such codependent relationships so bad and dangerous?

• these fused relationships do not contribute to the development of independence in the second partner,
• do not contribute to his independence,
• “overlap” his creativity, creative abilities,
• generally ignore the unique identity inherent in the human person as such.

In the course of such a relationship, both partners experience a common, stable feeling of losing themselves, dissolving their own personality in the other.

How do all future addicts (like alcoholics) arise?

First, the fused relationship itself must emerge. Both partners should live in them for some time. And then the one who is weaker (the one without the sparkle of “self-sacrifice and heroism” in his eyes) will quite law-abidingly become an addict, choosing some pretty addiction for himself to suit his taste and wallet...

***

What does it take to prepare this dish that no one needs - a person suffering from severe addiction? That's when the first bell rings - attention!

The family in which the future addict is raised must have the following qualities:

• it should contain people who have already entered into codependent relationships, and who believe that they “can’t imagine their existence without each other” ,
• An alternative to the first is the second sign: the attention of two “enemies” is drawn to each other as the cause of “all their misfortunes” (“YOU ruin my life...”)
• in such families, the personal boundaries “I - you”, “mine - yours - ours” are very blurred or absent .

Features of people at high risk of developing addiction

As mentioned above, there are signs that can be recognized in people who are more susceptible to substance abuse. This allows action to be taken to regulate substance use behavior.

Characteristics of people at increased risk of developing addiction include:

• genetic factors
• occurrence of other mental disorders
• seeking adventure and taking risks
• dissociation, caution in interpersonal relationships
• obsession and compulsiveness
• apathy
• inability to self-regulate.

Genetic factors

There is no doubt that genetic factors influence the risk of addiction. As has been shown in many studies, including in the Journal of Psychiatry, having a close family member who struggles with addiction can increase the likelihood of developing an addiction. According to research conducted by Nature, certain fragments of the human genome have been identified as being directly related to specific types of addiction. With this knowledge, in the future it will be possible to more accurately determine the likelihood of a person developing an addiction. However, the existence of some genetic potential is not the only direct cause of addiction. Other complex environmental factors also play an important role here.

The most common case of codependent relationships in Russia

Traditionally, Russian culture cultivates very close family relationships, where the family is in no hurry to disperse over several generations. This custom comes from the communal laws of the Russian village - at one time the land was “cut” according to the number of eaters, so the richest man was the one who had 30 people in his hut - he received 30 pieces of land.

TODAY IT’S THE OVERSEAS THING, BUT OLD CULTURAL FORMS, WHICH NO LONGER HAVE A USEFUL MEANING, WILL CONTROL THE NATION FOR ANOTHER 300 YEARS.

Thus, everything was conducive to the emergence of a special kind of codependent relationship in Russia: a very close relationship between one (less often two) parent and an adult child, who for this reason is unable to create his own family. This is a pure case of addiction from a parent, which we will classify as behavioral addictions.

How to help

Various forms of behavioral and cognitive behavioral therapy can help a person struggling with these problems learn to control behavior and gain self-regulation abilities, which can alleviate compulsive behavior.

Additionally, for people who already have problems using harmful substances, different types of therapy can be combined to find the most beneficial treatment program for that patient. This approach can help a person safely stop using drugs or alcohol and live a sober life, as well as gain control over the above-mentioned difficulties.

Seeking professional, research-based health care can provide tools to understand and increase control in areas related to addiction and quality of life, promoting recovery.
We suggest you familiarize yourself with: Adaptation disorder (adaptation disorder).

Other possible addictions

All addictions are divided into a) chemical and b) behavioral.

Chemical addictions include: drug addiction, heavy smoking, alcoholism, gluttony.

Behavioral ones include: gambling addiction, Internet addiction, TV addiction, workaholism, shopaholism (a tendency to unmotivated purchases of unnecessary things), nymphomania.

The most important information to consider

1. People who have given up addiction in a clinic of their own free will, who have decided to “quit” once and for all, and who have “quit”, returning to their families with their “codependent” relatives, are gradually drawn back into their usual way of life.
2. Codependents themselves, in the event of separation from their old partner (divorce, quarrel, death), do not deliberately find new partners with the same addiction.
3. Well, what’s even worse: sometimes they build new relationships with “normally healthy” people. But these “healthy” people become addicted - a little later.

Mistakes of addicted people

Dependent people are not able to be alone with themselves; they strive to constantly be in relationships. Only in their life there is a separation from a loved one, they immediately look for a replacement to fill the void.

Sometimes such relationships are not based on love at all, but on the need to have someone nearby. Of course, such relationships with benefits often lead to misunderstandings and quarrels, as a result of which the partners of addicted people begin to become disgusted with them and break off the relationship themselves. Unfortunately, addicted people do not always realize the seriousness of their problem until they become overwhelmed with worry, sadness and despair.

Until dependent people experience the negative consequences of their excessive attachment to their partner, they cannot break this vicious circle. In fact, psychological and emotional dependence is a very deep problem, which is often impossible to solve without the help of specialists. Today we will share with you five signs of emotional dependence so that you can identify this problem in yourself in time and warn your loved ones about it.

1. Addicted people don’t know how to set boundaries.

Certain boundaries are necessary in all aspects of life without exception. For example, even if you like the taste of alcoholic beverages, you are unlikely to start drinking them daily in exorbitant quantities, because you know very well what harmful effects alcohol has on the body.

When it comes to people's addictions, we understand that they are willing to give up their own preferences and habits for the sake of relationships. Such dependence over time leads to the loss of one’s own “I” only in order not to be abandoned by the other half. As a result, addicted people usually have very low self-esteem and feel violated all the time. However, people who suffer from addiction are afraid to openly express their feelings to their partners so that they do not turn away from them. At the cost of truth, they try to fill the void in their hearts.

2. A dependent person considers his partner to be the center of the universe.

A person prone to emotional dependence on a partner looks completely different in each new relationship. His behavior depends on who is nearby, so dependent people in relationships usually do not act sincerely, but fulfill a certain role. If you are an independent person, you will not change your habits and preferences in a new relationship. However, people who are addicted try to adapt to each next partner. Usually they take the tastes of their other half, neglecting their own desires and interests.

Dependent people are prone to manic and obsessive thoughts. They never stop thinking about their partner for a minute. Moreover, such people willingly do work for their loved one and work hard for the welfare of their couple, without waiting for the help of their other half. People suffering from emotional addiction tend to completely dissolve in the object of their passion, radically changing their lives. Their behavior is usually absurd, but why do smart people start behaving this way?

Dependent people do not perceive a couple in love as two independent, equal people who lead a common life. In their eyes, a relationship is the merging of two separate selves into one person.

3. Addiction keeps people from being happy.

The happiness and sadness of emotionally unstable people depends entirely on the object of their love, and although at first glance this state of affairs may seem normal, in fact the problem is quite serious. A dependent person ceases to be the owner of his own emotions, and this is exactly what the other half can use. People who are dependent on partners are very vulnerable. If a loved one says something unpleasant or offensive to them, it can instantly darken the sun and turn a happy day into gloomy tones.

Remember, your feelings should not depend on another person, because you are the masters of your emotions. No one knows exactly what is going on in your thoughts, so no one should control them. Don't let those around you hurt you and despise your interests.

4. Addicted people are afraid of abandonment

Of course, this does not mean that a person prone to emotional dependence never pushes people away from him. A psychologically dependent person will never leave his partner, unless for the sake of another object of passion (however, this happens extremely rarely). This is why such people constantly experience fear of abandonment. A dependent person always puts the needs of his partner above his own, and makes every effort to make all the whims of his other half come true. That is, when it comes to relationships, an emotionally dependent person is ready to obey and serve his partner.

Of course, if you notice a tendency towards addiction in yourself or someone you know, sound the alarm immediately. However, be prepared for the fact that a person who has obvious signs of emotional dependence is not always ready to admit the problem. You may experience a nervous breakdown, despair, and severe pain when the truth is revealed to the person.

5. A dependent person will not leave his partner, even if he is unhappy next to him.

Even if an addicted person answers all questions that everything is fine with him, in fact, he is well aware that this is not so. Every time they are left alone, emotionally unstable people experience panic attacks. For an addicted person, his partner is a kind of drug, without which he cannot imagine himself. Such people have a very hard time experiencing even a short separation from their object of passion.

If you recognize yourself in this description, try changing your usual behavior and start being alone more often. Learn to enjoy being alone with yourself. You should not start a relationship with a person just to fill the emptiness in your heart. Of course, this is not so easy to translate into reality, but who promised that it would be easy to get rid of emotional dependence?

And I am sure that as soon as you learn to be happy alone with yourself, your life will change dramatically. It is at that moment when you feel like a full-fledged and independent person that you will be ready for a new happy relationship.

What to do if you have codependency?

• Example: You passionately fell in love with an “unhappy” person and dream of helping him, citing the fact that he is lonely, misunderstood and needs you. This fills you with pride, gives your (admit it?) boring life meaning and gives all your actions a touch of heroism. If you are not afraid of a plan to build a family with an alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, etc., you are a codependent person. You need treatment from a psychologist. Realize this. The model of codependent relationships is passed down from generation to generation. Look for resources to develop an “alternative history of the Family.” Contact a psychologist not for advice, but for treatment. In this state, it is too early for you to build a family - you will definitely build it with an addict or make an addict out of a normal person. If you can’t see a psychologist, just don’t start a family yet. Avoid addicts and “fatal loves” with them.
• Example: If you are dating a woman who has buried two alcoholic husbands (with a girl whose fiancé died from drugs or “gambling”) and who is now passionate about you and wants to create a long-term relationship with you, be wary of her. She will draw you into a codependent, fused relationship, since she “saw” a potential addict in you. Beware of entering into close relationships with people who have suffered for many years from “dependent relatives.” You risk inheriting their “robe and slippers” from this relative, and you risk starting to play their mournful role.

***

I will talk about the topic of codependency for a long time and in more than one article. This topic is new and relevant.

The term “codependency” itself has existed for some 10 years!

It is the previous lack of attention to “codependent relatives” that explains the previous failure of treatment of the “dependent” patients themselves.

Well, to summarize, let’s remember one simple truth: if a person living in a family is treated, then the entire family that lives with him is treated along with him. Then the success of treatment is guaranteed.

If it is impossible to treat the whole family (the grandfather refuses), the person is isolated from that part of the family that does not want to take part in treatment - even to the point of leaving for a rented apartment or moving to another city.

This is the only way to finally find out what a harmonious relationship, filled with the joy of coexistence, is.

In general, friends, relax. You are not fools - you read and see that there is no cure) So live - as you live. Just think - addicted. Just think - codependent. The main thing is that passersby are not eaten. There are no normal families at all. Our place for fun is poorly equipped. Love your families and yourself for who you are.

Sleeping pills

With the help of various sleeping pills, doctors usually treat various sleep disorders, for example, reduce the time it takes to fall asleep, provide deeper and longer sleep, etc. But all this is possible only under strict control. However, due to the fact that sleeping pills are widely available in pharmacies and are sold without a prescription, cases of their abuse are not uncommon.

Dependence on sleeping pills (a similar principle applies to sedatives) does not develop immediately, but gradually: this process can even take several years. First, addiction develops when the usual dosages no longer work. Then the person prescribes an additional dose of the drug to himself. All this leads to exceeding the dosage by 2-3 times. Then the number of appointments increases.

It is important to understand here that uncontrolled use of this type of medicine can easily cause death. As addiction develops, sleep begins to be disturbed even more: wakefulness at night and drowsiness during the day are common. Physical dependence on the drug is also noted.

Article on the topic

Check your hormones! Why is a gynecologist and endocrinologist more important than a cosmetologist?