Perfectionism: what is it and how to get rid of it

The pinnacle of absolute perfection is unattainable. But some people, even knowing this, still strive to conquer it. The philosophers Leibniz and Kant were the first to talk about spiritual and moral perfection.

Great thinkers of the past argued that by developing talents, gifts and virtues, a person is able to become perfect. This theory was called perfectionism (from the English perfection - perfection), and its adherents began to be called perfectionists.

Pedant - who is this?

The word "pedantry" has Latin roots. In the Roman era, it meant a strict teacher who drilled into the smallest details the wisdom of science to his students. What does a pedant mean in modern times? The character of such a person necessarily contains qualities of accuracy, precision and diligence, which often go to extreme states. A love for little things and details is also inherent in pedants. In psychology, the pedantic type is described by a tendency to worry about trifles for a long time. In life, he does not like innovations and violations of rules.

What is perfectionism and why should we fight it? Personal experience of my hole.

I'm learning a new piano etude by Moszkowski. He is fast and technical. I've been playing for a month. Two. It seems to sound good already, the fluency is good. No, just a little more. No, we still need to play. And further. And... the sketch began to play. Cracked to hell! Anyone who plays knows what I'm talking about.

I work with a personal trainer on a computer-based program for pumping up a specific muscle group. The program is like a recipe for a cake: so many approaches to the barre, so many exercises with dumbbells, so much cardio at such and such a speed. And here is the result - the muscle volume corresponds to the goal. All six tubercles. How about securing the result? Let's pump it up again just to be sure. And one fine morning the coach screams: “God, what kind of ugliness is this? And this is a woman's belly?! It’s a shame, ma’am, you’re not a bodybuilder!”

If anyone is familiar with what I want to talk to readers about, stay with me and let's talk. And for those who are not familiar with this, but who do not want this for their children, it will also be useful. Because we do not become perfectionists-maximalists of our own free will. Our parents raise us this way, and then the disease develops progressively. This is especially true for the only child in a family of successful and ambitious parents who dote on their child and place enormous (perhaps their own unfulfilled) hopes on their only child.

Before my eyes, my peer, laureate pianist Evgeniy Mogilevsky, grew up. I still had at least some childhood. Father's hunting, fishing, shooting range. Volnitsa! Independence in choosing reading. I wasn't raised to be Van Cliburn, and I wasn't very submissive either. Yeah! To the point of running away from home. Hunger riots. Intentional failures at school. And Zhenya was a black tool slave. A frail, averagely talented Jewish boy from a family of musicians of the Odessa Philharmonic. Poor kid. He became a laureate without ever learning to swim in the Black Sea, on the very shore of which at the 13th Fontana station we lived across the fence. 6 hours of play every day, 7 hours in the general education cycle of the Stolyarsky school. There was such a cunning school for musicians. (Stolyarsky walked past the school and used to say: “The school is named after me!”.)

Back then it was very fashionable to play volleyball among both adults and children. Zhenya played only the piano, spending hours memorizing and repeating the same passage. One time Zhenya ran away and stood in a circle with us. I really pitied him for the beatings, for the sadly bulging smart Jewish eyes from behind the curtain of their house, watching our noisy children's games, for the endless sketches of Czerny, which he hammered in for hours. And even more I hated his grandmother Haska, who hit Zhenya on the head with a fly swatter. It’s unfair in the game, but I served the balls only to Zhenya. Useless: Zhenya covered his head with his hands and dodged the ball like crazy. But he became a laureate.

Perfectionism is the tendency to set standards for oneself that are higher than those of others in the performance of something against the backdrop of the inability to accept and forgive oneself imperfections or mistakes in the performance of one’s work, in one’s appearance, in behavioral stereotypes, in any field of activity of a perfectionist person. A perfectionist has dichotomous thinking. It is hammered into it: either the decision is absolutely correct or absolutely wrong. He does not accept palliatives. After ten attempts to draw an absolutely straight line and with the habit of self-examination, he experiences mental stress due to the inability to recognize his imperfection in himself.

Guilt is a constant companion of a perfectionist. He was prepared to be the first in the kindergarten group, in the class, in the course, in his career. He was the wild card on which the parent's bet was placed. Often the eldest children in the family become perfectionists; The younger ones, watch, are ready to say: “What? Yes, it will do!” Women who are perfectionists have been observed to experience their decline very hard. Especially once beautiful and slender in their youth. Have you ever met heavily painted old women? This is what they are - far-reaching perfectionists.

When will I stop being annoyed by the fact that the hangers in my closets do not all hang with a hook in one direction (only to the inner wall with a hook, damn it!) and my husband hung the slightest of the towels the wrong way (in a triangle, with a pattern facing the viewer, damn it, and that’s all!) , then what will be left of me is: (maybe in a line, not in a column?): a slob, a slob, a bad housewife, this is where big messes begin, dishes that haven’t been washed in the evening in the sink give rise to stains, clothes should be put away immediately on hangers in the closet, shoes must be immediately put on stretchers, documents must be proofread to the last letter, glasses must be washed until they squeak, washed until they are absolutely white, and a poorly folded stack of towels and a violation of symmetry in laying out the bedspreads on a double bed are the subject of much thought for the rest of the day...

The inability to sleep due to the fact that I suddenly saw a piece of fur on the floor, dropped by a Persian. We have to get up and pick it up. I can’t through it. Otherwise you won't be able to sleep. MESS! And waking up at night in a cold sweat: I dreamed of an ERROR in the translation delivered to the client! And in the middle of the night, rush into the office, turn on the computer and read the text. Wow, thank God! Purely. Isn't this a diagnosis? How many of us are there?

American psychiatrists consider the state of perfectionism as a harbinger of a serious illness - obsessive-compulsive disorder. They are able to diagnose this already at kindergarten age: the child will erase, in principle, normally written lines with an eraser ad infinitum. A perfectionist child is a victim of his own cleanliness as a result of parental ambition. He is under more stress from dissatisfaction with his purism and imperfection than Hamlet.

Nobody diagnosed me. I’m tired of myself with my over-demandingness. I had to fight myself with my own means. It was difficult. If only the husband was an asshole and didn’t give a damn, but here two boots are made. This is already a tragedy. “Let me go turn on the heating in the garage, it’s freezing, and there’s rainwater for your head!” At 3 a.m! Ask him why he cares if she freezes. To hell with it. It will thaw! Anxiety syndrome. Diagnosis. Yes? He is shaving in his bathroom. I don't go there at all. I have my own. What do I care if there are bits of his stubble there? I’m drawn there like a fly to shit to tell him what a mess he made there! Anxiety syndrome.

In everyday life, perfectionism causes a lot of problems, and there is no limit to them if this phenomenon is not treated. An obsession with cleanliness, an obsession with “everything should be in its place.” Ask me why you need to wash windows in winter? Iron towels on both sides? Translate the text verbatim? Turn on your turn signal on an empty road? Unravel half a knit because of a skipped stitch?

WHAT WE BOTH DO NOW: We say “to hell with it” more often! screw it! don't care! who cares! who sees this except us, screw it all, let’s clean up the mess and leave the cats hanging out in it until the morning.” We treat this problem with the skill of forgiving ourselves for everything negative that was done during the day: “Well, we misbehaved today... and, most importantly, we didn’t get anything for it!..”. We make concessions: “Screw the fitness club today. We're lying around. We only go out to the toilet! Day of freedom from everything! And we practice self-forgiveness: leave things unfinished, screws unscrewed, forget about the dough and leave the house for the bar, visit the children, go skiing with the cats to the motel, and not think about anything. Or tell everyone in the world: “Fuck you all! We’re at the bar and relaxing!” We don't pick up the phone. We don't check email. And probe each other for the moment of truth (and I know his cunning face three meters ahead!): who has really switched off and does not have a complex about purism. (And he my sly face...)

If there is a God and there is an equal number of us - givers and perfectionists, and everyone is accepted there equally - my people, my-holes and my-holes, colleagues sick with perfectionism, fellow diagnosed people, get ready, line up and let’s go give a fuck. You can never achieve perfection, but you can suffer forever. Isn't it better for us to come to terms with our imperfections and the imperfections of the world around us, and at the same time remain happy?

The disease of perfectionism is a step towards disability due to anxiety and depression. I'm laughing and laughing here, but this problem is the problem of self-affirmation, competitiveness in the modern world and survival in competitive conditions. This applies to everyone except those who don't care. And I envy them with white envy. Don't care, I love you! Share your ability to step over a dirty spot on the floor. Through marriage at work. Through unfinished business. Sleep like a gopher with unwashed dishes. Dry with an unironed towel.

Let's become a little indifferent. Let's feel sorry for ourselves. (Ha, that's what I'm saying!) The world will not reach perfection. And harmony, apparently, is the balance between unwashed dishes in the sink at night and the desire to wash them (the first thing!) tomorrow. Long live tomorrow! And today let everything be okay. I keep remembering my mother: you can’t redo everything, but whatever you can do today, don’t put it off until tomorrow: just know what the coming day has in store for us. And that's true. So what should we do?

Tags: psychological health, problems, methods of struggle

Pedant - examples

This person is easy to recognize in any social environment. A pedantic person shows his best side as a householder. Exemplary order is its distinguishing feature. Everything is arranged on a string and measured down to the millimeter. In his apartment, guests feel like they are in a museum. A pedantic parent conducts the educational process strictly according to the instructions of specialists. His child must begin to crawl, walk, and speak exactly on time. Kids live according to a strict daily routine.

The pedant performer conscientiously treats the assigned work. He will not violate the instructions or orders of higher authorities to the letter. The characteristics of a pedant are punctuality, commitment, accuracy. A pedantic leader can become a despot for his subordinates. However, he does not allow impulsive and emotional decisions. Always remembers significant dates and congratulates colleagues. He strictly complies with the requirements of the labor code.

Is being a pedant good or bad?

As with any phenomenon in life, this character trait has its pros and cons. The pedant personality type has the following advantages:

1. Incoming information is analyzed carefully. This allows you to make informed decisions.
2. The pedant is careful in maintaining the environment. He is very clean himself and demands this from his loved ones.
3. Pedantry helps in working with documentation, for example, in the financial sector and jurisprudence. Pedant people are good auditors, businessmen and engineers.

The disadvantages of pedantry are as follows:

1. Obsession with your lifestyle. A pedant considers his own behavior, actions and thoughts to be the only correct ones and strives to instill them in others.
2. Such a person is too demanding. Without sparing himself, he treats others with increased demands.
3. Analyzing information and making decisions can take a long time. This is due to fear of responsibility.
4. Changing circumstances baffle the pedant. It is difficult for him to accept changes in the situation.
5. What is a pedant if not a bore? He can become one thanks to his obsession with little things.
6. A pathological pedant is prone to excessive anxiety for fear of missing a detail or breaking another rule.
7. These people lack the ability to distinguish things or matters by importance.

A pedant and a perfectionist - what's the difference?

The main difference is in relation to the ideal. From this point of view, the question of who is a pedant-person can be answered this way: this is an individual who tries to perfectly comply with certain rules. A perfectionist considers himself an ideal or strives to do everything perfectly. Other differences from the pedant:

• has a depressed state of consciousness and an apathetic attitude towards life;
• is picky and self-critical of himself;
• in pursuit of the ideal, he can break the rules;
• ignores little things while fulfilling global goals;
• depends on the opinions of others.

Types of perfectionism

Manifestations of perfectionism are quite diverse.

Modern experts identify 4 types of characteristic reactions of a perfectionist:

1. Self-perfectionism is aimed at oneself. A person places unreasonably high demands on himself, constantly strives for self-improvement, and does not forgive himself for the slightest mistakes.
2. Perfectionism directed at others is manifested in a constant desire to criticize the actions of other people, to devalue the results of their work, and the purpose of criticism is not conflict or humiliation, but a sincere desire to “improve” others.
3. Perfectionism addressed to the world at large. Man genuinely suffers from the imperfections of nature, the incorrect structure of the world and other global problems.
4. Social perfectionism is an unhealthy desire to meet generally accepted standards as much as possible.

How to live with a pedantic man?

Each woman decides this issue for herself. In essence, what a pedantic man is is the one who encroaches on his partner’s internal living space. In this case, psychologists give a number of tips:

1. Fight for the right to be yourself. You need to start living in “your reality of existence.” Such an existence can open the eyes of a husband.
2. Show him that leaving his comfort zone can be pleasant. For example, change the place where you spend time together, or cook a new delicious dish.
3. You can use its basic quality for the common good. A pedantic husband will do a good job of controlling some process or completing a painstaking task.
4. Take for granted some principles of his behavior (if this is in moderation).
5. To change something in your usual routine, you need to agree in advance. You can do this in writing, writing down all the changes on paper.

Reasons for the development of perfectionism

All our problems come from childhood, and perfectionism is no exception. The prerequisites for the appearance of the disorder are parental education in the style of “I love you only when you do everything perfectly.” The noble desire to raise a successful and hardworking person gives unexpected results. The child begins to think that he himself is unworthy of love. The only way to earn parental love is to fulfill their demands, and not just somehow, but perfectly.

The education process continues at school. Teachers say: “okay, but you can do better.” Pliable natures absorb these attitudes like a sponge. As a result of such upbringing, a personality matures that is never completely satisfied.

In some cases, perfectionism manifests itself as self-defense against a more difficult task. While the employee is perfecting the same long-suffering report, he has every right not to begin solving other problems. And if the matter is urgent, it is quite possible that the manager delegates a complex task to another specialist.

Sometimes perfectionism is an alarming symptom of a serious illness. In this case, education has nothing to do with it. Manifestations of the condition are specific in nature and are often aimed at arranging surrounding objects in space and lamenting their imperfect form.