Why perfectionism is a symptom of a dangerous condition, and the pursuit of idealism is a cognitive error

This term has other meanings, see Perfectionism.

Perfectionism

- in psychology, the belief that an ideal can and should be achieved. In pathological form, it is the belief that an imperfect result of work has no right to exist. Perfectionism is also the desire to remove everything “unnecessary” or make an “uneven” object “smooth.” Perfectionism also includes a person’s love for nature and the forest.

What is perfectionism in simple words?

Perfectionism is also called “excellent student syndrome.”

A perfectionist is a person who strives for perfection in everything. Starting from personal care and order in the apartment, ending with compliance with all the rules. Such a person takes care not only of himself, but also of those around him.

Perfectionism manifests itself in different ways in different people: some experience their mistakes very painfully, some still cannot take the next step because their plan is not prepared enough, some regret that they could have done something... that's better.

Perfectionists try to do everything as perfectly as possible. Moreover, they know that the ideal is not achievable, but this does not stop them.

In a fit of perfectionism, such a person will hone his public speech until he turns blue in the face, the housewife may not put the pie she baked on the table because it is not good enough and is a little burnt, and the amateur summer resident will not be able to calm down until he receives the best tomatoes in the world.

Moreover, these people not only try to achieve perfection, but also suffer greatly from the mistakes they make. Having done the job well, they will not be satisfied, since they could have done it perfectly. After cleaning, they will not be able to enjoy the cleanliness, since they will always see where there is still dust.

If perfectionism appears in a creative person, then we most likely will not see new books or plays by writers, since they will hone every scene and every chapter until they convince themselves that their work is complete nonsense.

I myself have suffered from perfectionism since childhood, and such people are very well understood. Over the years, I have learned to live with this feature, using its positive aspects.

Why does perfectionism appear?

There are several reasons here

Congenital mental characteristics

Different people are born with different types of temperament. In Ayurveda this is called dosha constitution. There are people who are more nervous. Their nervous system is triggered very early, even at the level of fuses. There are people who don't give a damn. They have a different nervous system. When a nervous person runs around in circles, tears out his hair and becomes hysterical, the person who doesn’t care will sit calmly and say that nothing bad is happening. The nervous system and mental characteristics are responsible for this.

It’s the same with a tendency toward perfectionism—some people arrange their shoes by color in two lines, others will step on their own shoe and move on. Congenital traits.

Too harsh parenting in childhood, devaluation of the child’s actions, criticism, comparison with other children

When a child grows up under constant restrictions, when his parents are not happy with the results of his work, when they scold him for getting B grades at school and demand perfect performance, then the child, on a subconscious level, continues to set the same demands on himself.

Hypertrophied sense of responsibility

It is formed on the basis of the first two - mental inclination and harsh upbringing in childhood. When in childhood a child is assigned many responsibilities that he should not yet perform. And they strictly demand fulfillment. Ideal.

Signs and characteristics of a perfectionist woman

A cocktail of pathological striving for ideals and a tendency towards emotionality and sensitivity - what is the drink?

At home

He wipes, washes, scrubs - snow-white wallpaper, shiny baseboards, clean, like in an operating room. He lashes out at his family if they threaten the established order.

At work

Performs tasks pedantically and meticulously: ideal for working with papers, analytics, and statistics. As a boss, like a male perfectionist, she is unbearable.

In a relationship

Perfect if the partner matches her picture of relationships, family, love. When something (even a small thing) is out of schedule and the order established by her is violated, she will try to return it to the mainstream, and if she fails to achieve success, she will break the connection.

How to recognize a perfectionist

When starting any task, this person tries to plan everything down to the smallest detail.

A perfectionist has no small details. He attaches importance to every detail. Therefore, he does not make spontaneous decisions, but takes a balanced approach to any process.

He has a very hard time with changes in his plan.

Using the example of a vacation trip. A perfectionist begins planning his vacation several months in advance. He will monitor prices, read reviews, take a long time to choose a trip or destination. He will think about what he will take with him, what clothes he might need, what excursions he will attend, how much money he will spend. And if there are any changes, he will be very worried and nervous about it. Such a person is unlikely to buy a last-minute tour to fly somewhere tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

He is very efficient

In general, perfectionists are ideal subordinates if they have a job description or if they are clearly told what and when they should do. But if a perfectionist is given freedom in terms of completing a project, then for him it’s more like hell.

He gets angry and worried if his work is criticized

Striving for an ideal result, he will expect recognition and praise from others. And if instead he hears criticism, it will be very painful to bear it.

The benefits of perfectionism

Professionalism

Perfectionists, fearing mistakes, spend a long time and persistently understanding the work they will do. This person would rather refuse to complete a task than do it carelessly.

Minimum errors

This follows from the previous paragraph. Having figured it out, they foresee many options for the development of events and try to prepare for them. They will spend a long time checking the numbers from the report, studying the map of the area where they will go, carefully weighing the food before baking the pie.

Almost perfect work quality

A perfectionist tries to achieve the best quality and results in everything. This makes them indispensable in those matters that require painstaking and long work.

Perfectionism is considered more of a flaw than a virtue. It is believed that it gives the owner more disadvantages than advantages. But it is perfectionists who move progress forward. Steve Jobs, Henry Ford, Mark Zuckerberg and others who make technical breakthroughs of their time, people who want to constantly improve what already works well. It is to such people, perfectionists, that we owe the improvement in the quality of our lives.

Very useful article: Procrastination in simple words and how to deal with it

Causes

The reasons for the emergence of perfectionism can be the characteristics of upbringing, in particular a combination of the following factors:

• formation and encouragement in the child of such qualities as increased responsibility and the desire for inflated results in any (all) areas;
• harsh, authoritarian parenting style;
• insufficient emotional involvement of parents in the child’s life;
• the parent’s attitude towards the child based on the assessment of his achievements.

Therefore, often in adulthood a person continues to be guided by the beliefs laid down in childhood - “you must study well / be the best / be obedient / not upset your parents.”

Cons of perfectionism

Wasting time and effort on details

A perfectionist spends a lot of time and effort on unimportant details, wanting to make everything perfect. As a result, such a person becomes very tired. And manages to complete much fewer tasks per unit of time.

Excessive harshness towards others

Perfectionists often expect others to do their jobs perfectly. They will make excessive demands on their subordinates, family, and friends. Perfectionists have a hard time with incorrect reports or being late to other people's meetings.

Lack of flexibility

An offer to a perfectionist to reschedule a vacation that he has already planned, or to change the route of excursions, such a person will take with hostility. It is very difficult for him to change his plans.

Mental and muscle tension, increased cortisol levels

Often these people are not flexible not only in terms of business, but also in their body. They may suffer from muscle tension, increased nervous excitability, gastrointestinal and heart diseases, and constipation. A science such as psychosomatics draws a parallel between lack of flexibility and certain diseases of the body.

We advise you to read: Frustration, what is it in simple words in psychology

How to get rid of perfectionism

People often try to get rid of perfectionism. I would not talk about how to get rid of it, but about how to tame it.

Accept that perfectionism is not only disadvantages, it is also advantages

Appreciate the fact that you are a responsible professional and are entrusted with difficult cases.

Give yourself a strictly limited time to complete some work or task.

For example, when preparing a holiday table, I don’t worry about every little thing and don’t endlessly decorate it. I give myself 2 hours to prepare, decorate dishes, arrange dishes, and clean the apartment. 2 hours and that's it. Of course, I see shortcomings. I can see how much more could be improved, but I know that it can be improved endlessly and I will spend a lot of time on unimportant details. Only another perfectionist will see your shortcomings, and there are not many of them.

Pareto's Law states: "80% of the work will be completed in 20% of the time, and the remaining 20% ​​of the work will be completed in 80% of the time." I spend from 3 to 6 hours of active working time writing such an article. This includes the text itself, technical placement on the site, selection of images, optimization for search engines.

My inner perfectionist is 45% satisfied with this article. It seems to him that he still needs to work on the quality of the text, improve the style and speech patterns, write the text more simply, add more information and more details. If I allow this inner critic to come out, then I can work on the article endlessly, trying to improve it. And my article will most likely not be published. But, remembering Pareto’s law, I actively turn off the perfectionist and produce at least some material. Perhaps it will be useful and interesting for someone.

Learn to delegate

This is difficult for a person with “excellent student syndrome.” But without this it will be impossible to move on. Once you learn to share responsibility, you will realize that the world will not collapse without your perfectly planned vacation. Other people handle responsibility just as well as you.

Learn to look at life philosophically

The world is not ideal or perfect. There are many flaws in it, a lot of incomprehensible things. But at the same time, this world is amazingly beautiful and unique with all its shortcomings.

You may be interested in reading: Descartes Square for making decisions in your personal life

Try making mistakes on purpose and see how you react

Start with something innocuous - be late for a meeting with a friend, leave a little mess before guests arrive, “forget” about some simple promise, don’t make the bed. You will see that there is nothing fatal in this.

Try meditation, simple breathing practices and yoga

Perfectionists often experience increased brain tension, and this provokes an increased release of cortisol. You should reduce the number of thoughts and worries in your head, your stress level will be lower. Meditation will teach you to reduce stress, and yoga will teach you to approach life philosophically.

Learn to enjoy the process, don’t chase results, live for today

We are rarely in the here and now. We often live in anticipation of the future or the torment of the past. Perfectionists are especially successful at this - they worry about what could be improved in the past and avoid mistakes in the future. But this is impossible.

Mistakes are part of experience, they should be accepted and realized.

Whatever the result, learn to praise yourself

It doesn’t matter whether you managed to bake the perfect cake as you wanted, or whether it turned out to be a simple dry cake. Praise yourself for any achievement. Keep a gratitude diary and write down every day what you did well today and what you are grateful for. Perfectionists think in global categories, not noticing the little things. A gratitude journal will shift your focus from distant horizons to real, current things that you do well.

Put your interests above other people

Is it really so important for you to set the perfect table and prepare five salads yourself, or can you prepare one salad and buy the rest at the store? Will you spend until midnight improving a report or writing the best article instead of doing the minimum required, not losing quality, and spending the rest of the time with your family or going to sports? When trying to complete a task perfectly, always ask yourself the question - is this really more important to me... health, family, relationships with loved ones?

Learn to relax and switch from one thing to another

Scientists have proven that a person can maintain his active attention on one thing for about 45 minutes. Further attention will be scattered, and the quality of work or assimilation of information will deteriorate. Find your productive time to work, set your alarm and work in blocks. I work for 45-60 minutes, and then switch to other things for half an hour - washing dishes, small cleaning, physical exercise, reading a book, tea or eating, a walk.

Cognitive errors

Telling a perfectionist to stop being one would be like telling someone who is furious to calm down. It’s not so easy to give up on this or that idea, even knowing that it is destructive for your personality.

Cognitive behavioral therapy considers perfectionism as one of the variants of cognitive errors. And in parallel with it, two more features often go: black-and-white thinking and the constant formulation of “I must.”

Black-and-white thinking forces us to judge everything and everyone too categorically, literally either everything or nothing. That is, I dream of becoming a writer, but I know that I won’t be able to sell a million copies of a book, so I won’t even start. Against this background, procrastination and increased anxiety often arise.

The second no less painful mistake is to demand ideals from yourself and others. I, my friends and colleagues must live up to the highest ideals, and if this is not the case, the world literally collapses. And even the advice of psychologists to replace “should” with “want” in their phrases does not have much effect on such people. In an era of high competition, when we constantly compare ourselves with others, it is not so difficult to forget the word “should”. Try to give yourself a choice: not “I have to write the best report,” but “I can write it better than everyone.” Although I may not write, and the world will not collapse because of it.

Considering the conditions in which modern people live, constantly trying to be better than others is a pretty winning strategy. But in this case, you need to learn to cope with the pain of your imperfections. And if you cannot do this on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist.