We detect it in the early stages
We are sure that the scoundrels and tormentors are rude, uneducated representatives of the lumpen in dirty T-shirts and always drunk, and not attractive, respectable men in expensive suits. We are sure that mothers who humiliate and abuse their children are declassed elements, and not outwardly ideal women with an impeccable reputation. Such cultural stereotypes make it difficult to believe the victim's words. We demand photographs, certificates of beatings, videos of insults, we do not trust words when the scene of violence is not similar to the one in which we imagine violence.
Victims of violence understand this mistrust, partly because they also believe in a black and white world, they worry about whether they will be believed? Therefore, they often become entangled in emotions and become even more bogged down in shame. Moreover, the abuser has already told them that everything that happens is their fault, that no one would humiliate them if they didn’t disappoint every time, that they wouldn’t be beaten if they didn’t “get it done,” and so on.
Research confirms that there are abusers in any social stratum: both among the creative intelligentsia and among the working class. An abuser is usually very protective of his reputation, very concerned about looking respectable and impeccable in the eyes of others - this is often the reason why his victim remains silent: no one will believe that such a wonderful person is capable of such a thing. This is a lie and slander!
You feel sorry for your partner even though they hurt you
“Emotional abusers are master manipulators. They hurt you while making you think it's your fault, or at least that they were hurt in childhood or in a past relationship. You just feel sorry for them. Victims of emotional abuse often ignore the behavior of their abusers because they seem unhappy, rejected, abandoned,” warns Dr. Stines.
Cycle of violence
This is how we simplify the context of abuse: we want to see a monster, a dungeon, chains, a suffering victim. We ask: “If she is a victim, then why didn’t she leave him? And where are the photographs of the bruises? But domestic violence is a vicious circle in which the victim is tied to the abuser by addiction. And the abuser necessarily feeds his victim’s need for love and acceptance.
The three phases of the cycle of violence were first identified by Lenore Walker's research in 1979. In the first phase, tension increases: your loved one is dissatisfied with what? You. You did something wrong, you worry, ask, don’t get an intelligible answer, rush around, try to cajole, distract, entertain.
Typical vocabulary of the first phase:
- Do you think that you are the smartest? - I make the decision here! “I asked you so many times, you don’t care about my words, right?”
The second phase begins: you have brought him to “all this.” And he threw a chair at you or insulted you. Don't you deserve this kind of treatment? Have you done everything to ensure that the tension in the first phase subsides? Remember one thing, please, you should not do anything to “turn on” the abuser. He's himself. In general, the second phase is actually conflict and violence.
Typical vocabulary of the second phase:
- I will tame you! - You are nothing! - I will destroy you and everyone who helps you!
This is followed by a “honeymoon”: with apologies, kneeling, small reservations are possible: “I’m to blame, but there are always two to blame” or “I’m to blame, but you pushed me to this.” But it doesn’t matter to you: the person whose love and recognition you are looking for turns out to repent, makes philosophical speeches, speaks in poetry, loves, loves, promises to code himself from alcoholism or wear a chastity belt outside the house. And then the cycle repeats. And you develop a reflex of forgiveness, reconciliation, and the thrill of having the frightening tension released. Like Pavlov's dog. It's hard to overcome the reflex. And you ask: why can’t you just leave? It just doesn't work.
Typical vocabulary of the third phase:
- Forgive me, please, I don’t know what came over me. - I love you so much, it’s just this damn job/your mother/screaming child... - I forgive you, but know that it’s hard for me to do this every time you bring me to the point where I hit you.
Why is it dangerous?
Using all sorts of tricks, the manipulator gains trust in the victim, showing attention and care. His real face is hidden behind the image of a sweet guy in love. Subsequently, in memory of better times, a lot is forgiven to the friend. The victim curries favor with the rapist, chooses words, behavior, as they say, breaks herself to please him. Love is mixed with hate, and relationships resemble an emotional swing. In response to moral opposition, the abuser may resort to physical violence.
Victim
A person who falls under the influence of an abuser stops living according to his own scenario. He must definitely fight and save himself as an individual. Although this usually happens too late. There is a danger of a complete loss of self-respect due to constant accusations of stupidity and insignificance. All virtues are devalued by derogatory or critical remarks
What do abusers want?
Abusers want this cycle to continue as long as possible, so they may partially admit their guilt, partially shift it onto the victim, try to present what happened as something not so negative, or even convince the victim that “nothing like that happened” or “you perceive everything wrong.” All this serves to make the victim doubt the objectivity of his perception. And it is all the easier for her to doubt this if the abuser is not a maniac in a black hat, but an intelligent, educated, wealthy person, positively characterized by his place of registration and at work. And the tension will grow again, because his colleagues are pushing him, his bosses don’t appreciate him, his salary hasn’t been raised, his friend who is a mediocrity has gone to the Maldives, he wants to live, but he has to go to a parent-teacher meeting: we repeat, anything can go into the furnace of his anger or frustration. The duration of this phase depends on his ability to control his emotions.
Your partner is using gaslighting techniques
“Your partner is trying to influence your perception of reality by denying or distorting what is actually happening. He says things like “You’re making this up, that didn’t happen” or “I never said/did that.” Over time, such statements can develop feelings of self-doubt, and you begin to agree with your partner's distortions. Self-doubt leads to insecurity in your own perceptions, which makes you more vulnerable to a manipulative partner,” says psychotherapist Carol A. Lambert, author of Women with Controlling Partners.
Why is it difficult to recognize abuse?
Because the abuser is trying to create the appearance of normality. This “sugar show” phase is necessary to establish control. If someone treated you consistently badly, would you connect your life with him? This is the abuser's secret weapon: periodically he treats you well. It is more difficult to leave such a person than from a person who expresses his dislike 24 hours a day. That is, you do not perceive him as an enemy, because he has an “epiphany.” But he is the enemy, and the “epiphany” is a bluff, a piece of sugar for the circus bear.
Victims often normalize abuse, especially verbal or emotional abuse, because they grew up with it. If you have a tendency towards neurotic attachment since childhood, then you will easily doubt yourself, seek and beg for love and support at any cost. But abuse is abuse, and we must see it without applying 40-year-old assessments about the “masochistic pleasure” of the victim just because the abuser does not seem to us “a classic type of bad person.” Psychologists say that many victims not only remain in abusive relationships, but often return to them after leaving their abusers. It’s not for nothing, of course, that such relationships are called codependent. Those who choose to stay have common traits.
What's stopping you from leaving?
1. Low self-esteem, rationalization of abuse as “deserved” treatment.
2. Fear, the belief that if you rebel or leave, this will provoke something completely terrible, including murder.
3. The need to save the partner, the belief that the partner can be saved/become better if the family survives.
4. Saving children. Many women believe that by taking the blow themselves, they are saving their children from violence.
5. The sanctity of marriage, the belief that one gets married once and one must endure everything.
6. Isolation, lack of social support.
What helps you leave?
1. Personal development, understanding that abuse is not normal, understanding what a healthy relationship looks like.
2. Social support, including friends, family, social workers, psychologists.
3. The need to protect children. Not only in the literal sense, but also from the psychological consequences of the abuse they observe.
4. Fear of escalation of violence when the self-preservation instinct is triggered.
Of course, an abuser will not abandon his failed victim so easily. he can pursue, follow around, insist on renewing the relationship. All his words must be answered with a strict and principled refusal, and all his actions towards you must also be strictly suppressed.
It is also important to protect yourself from future connections with abusers. A person must know his own worth. If, for example, a girl does not know how to value herself, then she will start a relationship with any suspicious person, just so as not to remain lonely; will marry a rich man and, in exchange for a prosperous life, will endure all humiliation and insults; will take pity on the “unfortunate” man, so that she can then carry him on her hump. Such a girl will almost certainly go to save her loved one - if he, for example, is a criminal, a gambler, a drug addict, etc. You shouldn’t do this, because in this case she shifts all the problems of an essentially worthless person onto herself person.
Obvious and unobvious consequences of communication
This type of relationship has a negative impact on the psychological, physical and mental health of men and women. Children suffer the most from such connections.
Among the main consequences of physical and sexual abuse are:
- injuries and bruises of various stages;
- sexually transmitted infections (including HPV and HIV);
- pregnancy, miscarriage or stillbirth, premature birth;
- urinary system infections;
- death.
If the victim has no physical injuries, this does not mean that the abuse did not harm her. Among the indirect consequences of violence are the emergence of:
- panic attacks;
- depression;
- stress;
- insomnia;
- phobias;
- eating disorders;
- increased anxiety.
Often abuse provokes the victim to commit suicide. People who have experienced domestic violence are most likely to:
- alcoholism;
- drug addiction;
- smoking;
- use of potent medications.
Violence against children and adolescents provokes not only the development of various mental illnesses, but also triggers the need for abuse in the next generation.
Sexual violence suffered in childhood can lead to the development of drug addiction, alcoholism, and the formation of non-standard sexual needs (sadism, masochism) in the future.
Children who have been abused or witnessed violence against their mother are more likely than others to suffer:
- intestinal disorders;
- stomach ulcer;
- diabetes mellitus;
- arterial hypertension;
- asthma;
- chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.
In order to prevent the development of physical and mental illnesses, it is necessary to get rid of abusive relationships as quickly as possible and begin treatment with a psychotherapist.
I am an abuser: how to help yourself
Yes, there are often people who admit that they are abusers. Some of them take their “disease” calmly, some even like it. And others feel that they suffer from their abuse and try to get rid of it.
Abuse is not a mental disorder, it is just a special personality type. It is possible to change such a personality, but only if she herself wants it. You can keep a diary. You can ward off “attacks” of abuse: every time the desire to annoy someone arises, you need to hammer a nail or mentally cut off your finger. It is necessary to control your behavior: learn to listen to your interlocutors, understand their point of view, respect their right to freedom, and not overstep the boundaries of personal space. It is also necessary to understand that there are no justifications for violence: they are all just hypocrisy, wishful thinking.
You should not be ashamed of the manifestation of human feelings. Any strong personality needs these feelings.
Your partner is either too hot or too cold
“He exudes love for a while, but suddenly becomes cold and unavailable. You cannot understand the reason, no matter how hard you try. He refuses to communicate, but you begin to panic, trying to regain his affection, and due to the lack of explanations, you begin to blame yourself. Quite often, this can turn a relatively independent person into a troubled sycophant trying to get back into their partner's good graces,” says Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. own life").
The reason for his failures is you
A male abuser is never wrong or unsuccessful, in his opinion. This means that his failures at work, his dismissal, losses in business, and even a scratch on his bumper are all because of you. Remember: this is his way of tying you to himself - to lower your self-esteem and develop feelings of guilt. Any skirmish will end with the words: “Well, who needs you, except me?”
If at least one of the points can be attributed to your partner and the type of relationship, you should at least think about whether it’s worth continuing it, and at most, run away from such a subject.
Types of abusive relationships
People who have experienced abusive relationships understand what it is and how to recognize the problem. Often parents, having power over the child, humiliate him and traumatize the psyche of the little family member. The consequences of abusive relationships are such that children who grew up in a tense environment will consider this state of affairs normal.
