Playing the victim: why the fight against harassment leads to escalation of violence

Types of domestic violence

Domestic violence has always been a problem with serious consequences.
But over time, attitudes towards him changed due to the development of society. For example, just a few centuries ago it was considered a completely normal phenomenon in families, and sometimes was even encouraged by the environment and the authorities. Since those times, there has been a saying, “He hits, he loves,” which is still relevant today. Today, interest in this issue in society has increased significantly. Various statistical studies are carried out, which remain far from reality. Since most people suffering from this problem prefer to remain silent and hide it for various reasons. Among them, the main ones are fear of the tyrant and fear of publicity.

It is characteristic that such actions can occur in absolutely any family, regardless of its social status, ethnic origin, cultural or religious affiliation. And for a person who commits violent acts, the main goal is control over the victim, forced obedience and leveling of his personality.

Domestic violence in most cases occurs in the family against a woman and children and is divided into types such as psychological, physical and sexual. To present the situation in more detail, let’s take a closer look at each of them.

Psychological violence in a modern family

This type is the most common and is also called emotional or moral. Appears in various variations:

• countless insults
• moral humiliation,
• disregard for opinion,
• instilling feelings of inferiority,
• ridicule in front of strangers,
• intimidation and threats,
• uncontrollable rage,
• total control,
• unfounded accusations and excessive suspicion,
• imposition of unacceptable views,
• forced to observe unpleasant scenes,
• constant quarrels and scandals with shouting and humiliation,
• mental harassment,
• deprivation of any benefits, money, children,
• destruction of the victim’s personal belongings, etc.

Each time the infliction of emotional harm becomes stronger and more sophisticated. The tyrant himself is interested in finding new forms of humiliation, cunning manipulations in order to break a person morally and instill in the thoughts of his companion (most often) the understanding that “no one needs her anymore and in general how can one live with such shortcomings...”. This is a unique form of control over a person. In turn, the victim in the family often does not realize that this behavior is moral violence for her, and endures bullying for many years, considering it the norm in relationships and not knowing what to do. Moreover, between attacks of anger, a psychological rapist may have moments of extraordinary care and tenderness.

Today, in most developed countries, psychologically violent behavior can become a completely provable crime. Therefore, when subjected to such actions, it is necessary to remember that there is always a way out.

Physical violence

Physical violence can be direct and veiled. Direct options include:

• blows,
• kicks,
• tremors,
• torture, etc.

The severity of these manifestations can vary: from educational slaps to severe injuries. “Professionals” in their field can use methods that are as painful as possible with minimal visible consequences, which practically deprives them of the evidence base.

Veiled variants of physical terror can be:

• lack of proper nutrition or sleep,
• deprivation of the opportunity to perform hygiene procedures or perform natural needs,
• addiction to alcoholic beverages, smoking, drugs,
• prohibition of necessary treatment or ignoring mandatory doctor’s orders, leading to a clear deterioration in health.

As a result of chronic physical violence, the victim can become fearful, timid, downtrodden, or, conversely, rude, harsh, and aggressive towards people around him.

Until now, for many people, assault and beatings in the family are considered the norm and are often mutual. An example is family fights, most often occurring against the background of alcohol intoxication. The situation is aggravated by the fact that growing children adopt this form of behavior and use it later throughout their lives.

Sexual violence

One of the most humiliating types of violence is sexual violence. It can be presented in such options as:

• forced sexual intercourse,
• touching a person's genitals against his will,
• intimate humiliation, etc.

Most often, a woman is subjected to this type of torture in a family. In developed countries of Europe and America, sexual violence is a criminal offense, while in Russia such actions are practically unprovable. In our society, there is an opinion that a wife should not deny her husband intimate intimacy. Therefore, if a lady nevertheless goes to the police with a statement of sexual assault on the part of her husband, then he can say that out of passion he simply overdid it. And as a result, apart from shame, imposition of guilt and ridicule from others, the victim will receive nothing. As a result, the unhappy woman has to endure pain, torture and humiliation for years until she decides to divorce.

Violence against children

The problem of family violence against children is much more serious than against women or men, due to the immaturity of the child’s body in general and its nervous and emotional-volitional system in particular. Violence against a child can be of the following types:

1. Lack of care. Deprivation of adequate nutrition, sleep, failure to provide necessary things, household and school items, refusal of medical care, expulsion from home, lack of pedagogical control and, in general, parental love.
2. Physical. It is the most popular form of child violence and is expressed in regular spankings, slaps, beatings, shaking, hitting surfaces, causing bodily harm with hands and various objects, placing one’s knees and butt on peas or salt, putting pissed panties and tights into one’s mouth, and being exposed in undress. in the cold for the slightest offense, etc.
3. Sexual. It involves inducing a minor to engage in sexual acts of various types (oral, genital, anal, petting), as well as organizing child pornography.
4. Emotional or psychological. Here there is humiliation of the child’s personality, his self-esteem, the imposition of inferiority complexes, insult, intimidation, etc.

There are risk factors for children experiencing family violence. These include:

1. Early childhood. In 80% of cases, every child under 3 years of age is a victim of some type of violence.
2. Stepchildren or adopted children.
3. Mental illness, speech disorders and physical defects in a child.
4. Parental exposure to violent acts in their childhood.

The problem is aggravated by the fact that a child experiencing domestic violence, due to mental immaturity and lack of education, does not fully understand what is happening to him and does not know where to turn for help. Plus, our country has fairly democratic laws. So, for example, unlike America or Europe, only administrative liability is provided for “battery against loved ones,” while in the above countries it is criminal liability.

The man of my dreams

People are attracted to each other depending on their mental properties. Men who are in certain mental states are attracted to women with the corresponding mental properties - similar in level of development and realization, the presence of psychological trauma.

A woman with an anal vector can create a family with such a man based on friendly relations. An irresistible natural desire to give birth can push her into this relationship. At the dating stage, the owner of a frustrated anal vector can give a false impression of a caring and reliable man.

A woman with a visual vector can enter into such a relationship out of a false feeling of pity for a man: “He suffered so much in childhood.” Then, unbeknownst to herself, she will fall under the pressure of his psychological pressure.

A woman with a skin vector chooses a man with an anal vector in accordance with her natural attraction. A woman with a skin vector and a man with an anal vector, according to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, are a natural couple.

The natural attraction of people with such opposite mental properties, as in people with the skin and anal vectors, can over time turn into irritation and everyday incompatibility. Which will also contribute to the manifestation of psychological violence in the family - both towards women and children.

Causes of violence in a modern family

It is impossible to say with certainty what may lead to violent behavior. Since the same factors are perceived normally by some people, but in others they can cause aggression and a desire for violent action. Therefore, we will only note general reasons that can contribute to such manifestations. They, in turn, are divided into external and internal. External reasons include:

1. Propaganda in society of the cult of aggression, cruelty, scenes of violence through the media, cinema, music, etc.
2. Intrenched stereotypes: “Beating means he loves,” “A good wife is a beaten wife,” “A man is the head of the family, and everyone must obey him unquestioningly,” etc.
3. Problems of a domestic or financial nature, leading to general tension in the family.
4. Unemployment.
5. Disagreements in the family of various types, etc.

Internal reasons include:

1. Personality of the rapist, features of his character, temperament, behavior:
   tendency to aggression,
2. inability to restrain instincts,
3. choleric temperament, characterized by hot temper and imbalance,
4. genetically inherent tendency towards sadism, tyranny, power and subjugation of others,
5. low self-esteem and complexes, leading to taking out grievances on loved ones and self-affirmation at the expense of them,
6. lack of one’s own upbringing, education and culture, hence ignorance of other norms of behavior in the family and the inability to realize oneself differently.
7. Addiction to alcohol or drugs.
8. Mental disorders: various types of psychopathy, sociopathy, schizophrenia, etc.
9. Psychological trauma coming from childhood. Associated with the psychoclimate that surrounded the personality of the future rapist.
10. Transfer of parental family behavior patterns.
11. Dissatisfaction with personal life and intimate relationships.

Having examined the general causes leading to domestic violence, let us dwell in more detail on the main points of this problem.

Disagreements in the family, psychological climate, cyclical nature of violence

Family discord is one of the main causes of domestic violence. In a normal family, as a rule, all members adhere to common principles, rules, and traditions regarding living together, maintaining a home, and raising children. But in homes where there is disagreement with the opinion of the potential rapist, a kind of provocation occurs. He turns on aggression and the desire to subordinate those around him to his views, which seem exclusively correct to him. Any suitable methods are used: threats, shouting, insults, coercion, spanking, slaps on the head and more serious methods. If aggression is mutual, swearing and fights occur, in which everyone tries to defend their point of view on the issue of how to live correctly. That is, a situation of violence “for the sake of order” results. This happens because the members of this family simply do not know another, more civilized way to negotiate.

The personality of the rapist and his actions are greatly influenced by the psychological climate that reigned in the family where he grew up and was brought up. Risk factors are:

• single-parent or foster families and, as a consequence, lack of love,
• propaganda by parents (or one of them) of alcoholism/drug addiction,
• mental disorders in the parent,
• regular conflicts in the family with the use of physical and psychological violence.

Thus, he transfers all the humiliation and complexes that the potential rapist received in such a family into his future and asserts himself through aggression and cruel treatment of loved ones. Or he adopts the experience of upbringing with elements of cruelty from his parents as the only model known to him. Social and personal dissatisfaction and internal resentment carried throughout life are compensated by the tyrant on weaker people.

A feature of domestic violence is its cyclical nature, which usually consists of four phases:

1. Rising tension. There is discontent between family members, endless criticism, communication deteriorates, and tension grows rapidly. When patience comes to an end, the accumulated dissatisfaction first results in comments and complaints, then turns into demands and prohibitions, and ultimately attacks of aggression of various directions occur.
2. Violent actions. All the tension comes out in the form of cruelty of various types: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual. It lasts from several minutes to days.
3. Conclusion of peace. The tyrant regrets what he did and sincerely apologizes. At the same time, he tries to find guilt in other people or deny it in himself.
4. A period of calm and care. The rapist was so remorseful that he genuinely impressed family members who forgave him. Here you can see declarations of eternal love and sobs on your knees. Due to excessive female sensitivity, faith and “pardon” occur. And for some time calm and “happiness” reign. It is thanks to this phase that it is difficult for a woman to decide to divorce and leave. After all, every time she believes in sincere repentance and complete correction.

After some time, everything returns to the beginning of the cycle, and the phases are repeated. And once again the victim falls into the trap, remembers the wonderful moments of life together, counts the lost time and does nothing. But the more often violence is repeated, the more the “honeymoon” phase is erased, leaving only moments of cruelty and temporary truce.

How the concept of equality is being transformed

Equality and partnership are very simple concepts in theory. But if we consider them not as abstract principles, but as real psychological processes, they turn out to be incredibly complex!

To realize equality, a developed culture of agreements is necessary - as well as the presence of mature subjects who are ready to make a lot of incredible efforts for the sake of a partnership agreement, systematically revealing their own limitations and aggression, their own log in the eye.

Because these efforts are so difficult, many choose violence as a rejection of development, transformation and evolution. Family psychologists know very well how much struggle there is in the everyday life of a modern couple practicing partnerships, how difficult it is for real people to implement the demands of partnership and what level of personal development it requires. Without the regulatory role of the state (family law, guardianship authorities, fair courts and balanced laws), equal partnership is more the exception than the rule: people still do not know how to negotiate even with those closest to them.

In family therapy, one can clearly see how one of the partners slows down this effort, choosing violence, a defensive position or stagnation, preferring divorce to development - and very often such a person chooses the position of a victim.

In fact, despite the fact that the ideas of equality and non-violence seem to us to be certainly valuable, it is still not clear: is it in principle possible for such a structure of human relations in which there is no constant struggle for dominance? Is it possible to raise a child without violence - or is this fraught with his early death or the formation of a person without respect for norms and boundaries? Is it possible to get citizens to behave consciously in dangerous times - or is it impossible to do without regulation, fines and the military?

We can say that we are at the stage of a cultural-biological experiment - and many of us are aware of this.

Psychology of the tyrant and the victim

To better understand the rapist and the victim, consider their established psychology.

The main features of the psychology of a tyrant:

1. The more often violence is committed, the faster it turns into a habit, a ritual. And, as you know, habits are quite difficult and reluctant to get rid of. It's like smoking, to which you become more and more accustomed to it with each new puff.
2. The more he instills in the victim a feeling of guilt and complexes, the more he believes in his words and the correctness of his actions.
3. Over time, the tyrant really begins to believe that he is the arbiter of destinies, the holder of order, the ruler to whom his household “slaves” must obey.

The main features of the victim’s psychology:

1. The more often a victim is abused, the more his behavior and character change. Such stable features appear as:
   timidity,
2. timidity and uncertainty,
3. low self-esteem,
4. secrecy and isolation,
5. anxiety,
6. passivity,
7. depressive states,
8. thoughts about suicide.
9. Often a woman victim does not decide to divorce because of the prevailing opinion in society that it is important to have the status of a married lady, and children should have a father. Plus, many consider themselves economically dependent on their husbands. Because of this, the wife is ready to endure torture for years, turning a blind eye to everything.
10. With each violent incident, more and more complexes and confidence in one’s own guilt appear. “I guess I really deserve it if this happens to me.”
11. Gradually, the victim gets used to such a life and can even consciously look forward to the next act of cruelty; masochism develops. This binds her morally more strongly to the rapist, and she becomes dependent on him.

Some girls, entering into a relationship with a man, do not realize that he is prone to violent behavior. In order for a woman to understand that she is getting involved with a tyrant and to make attempts to protect herself, she needs to pay attention to the following signs:

1. The young man initially takes on the role of head of the family with a warning that he must be obeyed in everything.
2. Constantly reminds of the lady’s financial dependence on him.
3. Makes comments about the partner’s appearance, sometimes in a harsh form, with a hint that no one else will need her like that. For example, he expresses dissatisfaction with small breasts, crooked legs, or excess weight and fat deposits.
4. Makes comments regarding economic issues with the imposition of feelings of guilt. For example, she says that she cooks poorly, makes dirt, irons shirts incorrectly, and is generally a bad housewife. And he’s already tired from work, he wants to relax at home, but here it is...
5. Shows unhealthy and often unfounded attacks of jealousy. At the same time, it may impose a ban on cosmetics, any conversations with male representatives, etc.
6. Speaks negatively about relatives and friends of the chosen one. The main goal here is to protect the young lady from “unnecessary” contacts with the outside world, so that they cannot protect her or influence her in any way.
7. He feels dissatisfied with any of the girl’s successes and tries to downplay them and even ridicule them.
8. He often raises his voice and uses rude expressions in his speech, subsequently explaining this as a bad mood or problems at work.

If at least 5 signs coincide with the behavior of your chosen one, then it is better to immediately break off relations with him than to endure and suffer from manifestations of cruelty and tyranny all your life. You should not blindly believe that thanks to great love this person can improve and change for the better. In fact, such individuals love only themselves and live only for their own pleasure. He will not appreciate sacrifice from the outside, considering most people, and especially women, unworthy even of communication with such a “greatest man and god.”