What is interdependence and how to recognize it in a relationship

From birth, a woman is endowed with a unique gift - to educate. In early childhood, girls “raise” dolls, then deal with the behavior of their classmates and friends. And later, after getting married, they ask the question: “How to change a man so that he becomes ideal?!”

Hello! The Power of Attraction is with you!

The girls, now grown up, use their skills in an attempt to re-educate their husband. Of course, they do this with good intentions (at least every woman thinks so). But, alas, such impulses always lead to quarrels and often even to divorce.

If your attempts to change a man have led to a huge scandal, use our “Unconventional Relationship Recovery Plan.”

Are you afraid that he is flirting behind your back?

If a woman is not confident in herself, she feels anxious and uneasy in the absence of her partner. It begins to seem to her that he will certainly cheat on someone else - as soon as he disappears from sight. If you recognize yourself in this, you are dependent on a man. A confident woman is also confident in her partner’s feelings towards her. And this is precisely what prevents her other half from betraying her beloved. Happy couples often spend time not together, making up for it with interest during dating hours.

Get rid of such suspicions

So what can you do to change a man?

All change must begin with collaboration. Because a person is not plasticine from which you can sculpt with your own hands whatever your heart desires. You chose this man as your life partner, so he’s not so bad, right?

If you are not happy with something, talk about it. But only from the “adult-adult” position. If your spouse, in your opinion, is wrong, then do not quarrel with him, do not lecture him like a mother, and especially do not insult him. Be honest, first of all, with yourself and then you will understand that global changes must, first of all, start with yourself and with your attitude to what is happening. Your task is to make your husband understand the essence of the problem. And then I realized that you are not forcing him to submit to your decision, but are offering to resolve the conflict together.

We also have a wonderful article on this topic - “The most important thing is the weather in the house, or How to save a family” >>>

Ask your husband to listen carefully to you and understand. Remind your beloved of your feelings for him, in a calm tone and in a polite manner, discuss the points that do not suit you. Understand that you are not two different people, you are family. All problems automatically receive the status of “family”, so they must be solved by your friendly family - all together. And, no matter how trivial it may sound, you need to act from a position of love and respect.

This is the School of Gravity! We are here to make you happy and loved! See you at the online meeting >>>

You get offended if he goes somewhere without you

Do jealousy and resentment creep up your throat every time your man gets ready to drink beer with friends or go to a high school reunion? If you answered yes, we can safely say that you are addicted to it. Remember that every person has the right to personal space and time, which he is free to devote to himself - without your presence.

Don't be offended for no reason

How to get rid of dependence on other people's opinions?

Dependence on other people’s opinions can “crush” us, deprive us of our own opinions and prospects for the future. By recognizing its existence, we take the first step towards deliverance. Also, some rules that will help make life easier:

• Understand that you cannot please everyone at once. First of all, it's impossible. And secondly, it will not improve your life. And on the contrary, it will make it more difficult.
• Assess the future. Now they may not like your decision. But after some time, the situation may change dramatically and turn in your favor. The main thing is to believe in yourself.
• Don't get hung up. Now you're worried that someone won't like your new hairstyle or clothes. But remember what your neighbor or colleague was wearing when you last saw her, how long was the store consultant’s hair, what color was your boss’s hairspray? Don't remember? So it doesn't matter. So why did you decide that others would judge you for a new style of clothing or an “unfashionable” manicure? While you are looking around at others, you may miss something important.
• Make your own decisions. Friends will never tell you what is best for you to do. You know perfectly well what to wear when you leave home, where to study and work, and how to spend your free time. You don't have to attend a lot of events just because others want you to. It will be much easier to live if you do what you like.
• Change your way of thinking. Instead of “I'm doing this because someone said so,” think “I'm doing this because I enjoy it and it will help change my life for the better.” Understand that the opinions of others improve the lives of others, not yours. And your fate depends solely on your own decisions.
• Why waste your life on stupid experiences when you can enjoy every moment. Wear clothes that you like, watch movies that interest you. Experiment with images, don't be afraid to try new things. Let the rest of you live a boring life, and you will happily remember every minute when you didn’t think about what someone else would say.

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Do you suspect a man of deception?

If there is no real reason to suspect that he is lying, this behavior indicates your lack of self-confidence. If you accuse a person without any reason, he will be offended - and he will be right. Imagine that you are being accused of something you did not do and try to understand the feelings of the offended chosen one. If you have “accumulated”, just talk. Most likely, a heart-to-heart conversation will dispel your doubts and fears.

Avoid suspicion

Characteristics of partners in interdependent relationships

A dependent person is usually needy, incapacitated, immature, disenfranchised, or highly anxious and fearful. He relies on a savior who takes care of him, takes on or mitigates negative consequences, compensates for the insufficient functioning of the addict’s personality, and makes most of the significant decisions for him.

Meanwhile, someone who gives patronage to an addict is an empathic, self-sufficient, responsive, forgiving, competent and altruistic person. He shows love and care, but, unfortunately, does not give strength to the addict.

Dependent relationships are built on an imbalance of power that satisfies the needs of the receiver, leaving the savior in the role of giver.

You expect him to make you happy

It would be much better for you to focus on finding ways to be happy outside of the relationship and doing things that you enjoy. Spend time with friends, go to a movie or a cafe with them - do something that will make you feel independent from a man. It should be part of life, but it should not be the whole of life.

Don't expect too much

How dependence on other people's opinions manifests itself

If in the process of making a decision you ask yourself what my relatives, friends, acquaintances, colleagues will say about me, then you are a dependent person. Subordination to the judgments of other people can manifest itself in anything. You may refuse to go to the cinema because friends say the film is not interesting. You can buy not the dress you like, but the one that your friends advise you to buy. You can order not tea with fruit in a cafe, but espresso, because everyone else chose it. But is this right?

Dependence on other people's opinions can not only cause harm in the real moment, but also ruin your entire life. So, addicted people get jobs they hate, girls marry the man their parents chose, someone gives up hobbies because it is not fashionable or distracts from communication. But, excluding pleasant moments from life just because other people want it, you will never find true happiness. Therefore, it is important to learn how to deal with addiction.

You behave in such a way as to please him

For example, are you by nature very emotional, but you behave quietly and modestly because you think that a man likes it? Forget about it and be yourself. Without sincerity there can be no honest relationship. You can be modest and delicate for several months, but it is difficult not to take off your mask for a long time. And that's completely normal. If a man wants a woman not to be herself, he is not suitable for her. A loving man accepts his partner with all her habits.

Don't play other people's roles
Emotional dependence in a relationship tires both men and women. An interesting hobby, hanging out with friends and working on self-esteem will help you get rid of addiction and find healthy relationships. If you liked this material, read about how to skillfully hide low self-esteem in the eyes of others. Subscribe to our channel in Yandex.Zen

Love addiction: 12 signs

Published: October 11, 2020 28700

Not long ago I met my friend, by chance, in a shopping center. We had not seen each other for more than a year and, of course, decided to have a cup of tea. During the conversation, she told me about her next novel and how this time she was lucky, and finally she met a real MAN. By the way, she is a very beautiful girl, with a model appearance, and there has never been a shortage of male attention.

Ira's illustrative story

During our friendship, she seriously dated several men, and every time a new love appeared, Irka disappeared, stopped calling, rarely answered messages in monosyllables, and I’m generally silent about friendly meetings. As soon as the romance ended, Irochka remembered her friends, about another life where there are no relationships. She poured out her soul, cried, offered to meet and even help!

I always wondered what was the matter? What's wrong with my friend? Why do men disappear from her life before they even appear in it? And so we sit and talk. Listening carefully to how she excitedly talks about how lucky she is, I notice that quite often she looks at the phone screen, nervously turning the display on and off. In less than an hour, she managed to send about 10 messages to her “new guy.”

I ask: “Ir! Can you relax and enjoy our communication, since we haven’t seen each other for so long?”

To which I receive the answer: “Anyutka! Everything is fine, I'm just worried, why doesn't he answer me? Suddenly something happened! If something happens to him, I won't survive. After all, this is the first time I have such feelings. What will happen to me if HIM is no longer in my life?! Can you imagine, I don’t need anyone, anyone, anyone! I want to be there all the time, both in difficult times and in moments of joy. I want to know where he is, what if we are not far from each other and can meet for a minute and drink tea or kiss. I really want to touch him, feel his warmth, care and attention!”

At some point I interrupt her long monologue and say: “Irishka! I've already heard this somewhere. And more than once." And then the phone rings, my friend picks up the phone, quickly kisses me and gesticulates, and runs out of the cafe... I was left alone to finish my delicious jasmine tea and think about the topic of love addiction.

Love addiction: what is its danger?

Love addiction is a condition characterized by a strong and obsessive need for another person. When a person becomes fixated on a subject that is important to him in order to find himself, to feel loved, desired, confident, needed at the expense of another. And as a result of such attachment, he loses self-respect, his own “I” and even health.

Unfortunately, my practice indicates that every fourth woman and every seventh man falls into love addiction.

Why do people go into traumatic addiction?

The causes of dependent relationships are:

Dependency in a couple can be compared to any other addiction, since the mechanisms developed on the basis of interpersonal relationships work identically. They, one way or another, lead to self-destruction. In dependence, one of the partners is always dominant, the other is subordinate.

How to recognize dependent relationships?

Dependent Relationships: 12 Signs

• Relationships become impossible without complete dedication and dissolution in each other.
• You can feel truly happy when another person shows care, affection, love, warmth, etc.
• It’s bad in dependent relationships, but even worse without them.
• Close relationships involve a certain connection with your loved one. In a relationship, partners are attuned to each other’s emotional state and get used to their lifestyle. But! Adaptation to the habits of another is natural as long as a person remains himself. And in fact, this needs to be learned in order to avoid the dissolution of personal boundaries.
• An addict in a relationship is characterized by low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior. He always blames only himself for everything that happens in the couple.
• The addict cares excessively about the feelings, thoughts, actions, and choices of another, while not paying attention to his own feelings, desires, dreams and destiny.
• Dependent relationships always cause suffering; conflicts often arise in them, threats to end the relationship, and manipulations that do not lead to real action.
• In the absence of reciprocity and reaction, as well as physical distance from the partner (business trip, vacation with friends), such relationships cause depression, despondency, anger, and fear of loss.
• In such relationships, other people surrounding the object of attachment are perceived as threats, rivals.
• Interest in other relationships is lost (meetings with friends, delays at work with colleagues, corporate events), but at the same time there is a complete immersion in dependent relationships.
• In such relationships, an objective assessment of the other’s shortcomings is lost, and if they are pointed out, an aggressive defensive reaction follows.
• In dependent relationships, the ability to independently complete a gravitating relationship is lost, since a break can bring the pain of loss, and in the case of personal initiative, a strong feeling of guilt and destructive behavior.

These signs indicate a dependent relationship, which, unfortunately, only brings pain and suffering. True love, first of all, gives a feeling of joy and happiness, and not sadness and despondency. Moreover, these sensations do not depend on where the partners are: close to each other or at a distance. Temporary separation does not affect mood and is easily tolerated.

There is reason to think...

Healthy loving relationships do not require complete absorption in each other. Any manifestations of affection, attention, care, tenderness come from the partner at the moment when he wants to manifest himself in this way. Moreover, each partner has the right not to reciprocate if there is no certain mood and desire.

A relationship is a voluntary decision by two loving people to be together. At the same time, the lack of the necessary “dose” of attention does not prevent each of the partners from feeling happy, filled with vital energy, free and independent.

If the relationship is not turning out the way you imagined it, there is reason to think:

• Maybe you initially idealized your partner?
• Maybe you imagined something that didn’t exist?
• Maybe you are too immersed in your partner and have forgotten about what your life is?
• Maybe it's time to think about what brings you joy, a feeling of fulfillment and pleasure from life?
• Maybe you chose the wrong person with whom you would like to live?

Love relationships are just one area of ​​life where we develop, but there are other areas that require attention. For example, parents, colleagues, friends, children, interests, hobbies, entertainment, appearance. Only by paying attention to all facets does a person feel holistic and self-sufficient.

How to get rid of love addiction?

To avoid becoming addicted, ask yourself questions more often:

• What do I want for myself right now?
• What else will please and fill me at that moment when my loved one is not around?
• In what area do I want to develop?
• What makes me confident?
• What else makes me happy?
• How can I spend my free time from all affairs and relationships with pleasure and enjoyment?

Meet with loved ones, parents, brothers and sisters more often. Rod is our strength and support! Meet your friends. Such communication fills, broadens one’s horizons and allows one to look at how others do things. Sometimes you can get quality feedback from friends. Create friendly relationships with colleagues.

Engage in your development. Invest in your knowledge, skills and abilities. Pay attention to your inner state. Take responsibility for everything that happens to you. And remember - there is no limit to perfection!

True love is a place for "I", "you" and "we"

The main idea in true love: “I am I, You are You. It’s good with You, but it’s also good without You.” In such relationships there is no dissolution in the other, just as there is no devaluation of it.

True love gives freedom to both partners and thereby makes the union strong, where there is “I”, “You” and “We”. Such relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, acceptance and the ability to find compromises, which allows you to build strong family ties.

With love, Anna Nurzhan, teacher at the Academy of Private Life.

The Academy blog is open to expert authors. If you want to write an article, please read the editorial policy. We welcome your materials!

How to deal with the problem of interdependent relationships?

If you feel like you might be in a relationship like this and want to break out of an unhealthy addiction, you must first identify the behavior that led to it, and then you need to change it and understand how to build the right healthy relationship with your partner or family.

You may need to establish rules, principles, boundaries in relationships, or understand deep subconscious processes coming from childhood. Based on the reasons for this or that behavior, there are different strategies for building relationships, which you can learn more about in books on family psychology.

Key signs that you are in an addictive relationship

If you yourself do not understand that your relationship is interdependent, try to analyze the connection with your partner, paying attention to the following things:

1. You receive constant care and salvation from a person who uses you to avoid personal problems or his own lack of demand.
2. You have an unbalanced, unproductive, and unfulfilling relationship with the giver.
3. Your help to a needy person has led to his constant dependence on you.
4. They force you into a relationship and try to make you dependent or become dependent on you in order to avoid responsibility and personal change.