You have a child - and, with him, the presence of a mother-in-law in your life . Most likely, she was already present during pregnancy: watching what you eat, trying to extract the sex of the child from you, even if you made it clear that you did not want to talk. Or maybe she insisted on a specific name for the baby, in keeping with their family traditions. What are the most common problems in relationships with mother-in-law?
When your child is born, you and your mother-in-law become blood relatives and you have common birth scenarios.
Find out how they affect your life and how you can change them in the free webinar by Konstantin Dovlatov “How to stop walking in circles of generic scenarios and take life into your own hands.”
When you communicate with your mother-in-law because you like it, that’s one thing. But when you have to do this against your will, your mother-in-law has a lot of opportunities to suppress you or, at least, bother you. Once she starts doing this, it becomes difficult to stop her. Having a baby changes family dynamics and gives you more power than you probably realized. Most of us want to share our joy with our mother-in-law and father-in-law. But even if you had a good relationship before or you show angelic patience, conflicts still arise. Learn the 6 most common conflicts and their solutions, including how to say no, how to avoid simply cutting off contact with your mother-in-law, and how to ensure your interests are protected.
We invite you to take the original training by Konstantin Dovlatov, which will allow you to see your relationships in a new light.
Find out more in the free webinar “The Most Realistic Way to Be Happy in 30 Days for the Average Person.”
Why do daughters-in-law get irritated with their mother-in-law?
However, I have never read such reviews!
A harmless and affectionate angel. I'm serious. She is my third, which means I have someone to compare with. But I assure you, not one of them suffered from my appearance in the lives of my mothers-in-law. Closer to the topic. My mother-in-law adores me. She looks kindly, the sun is calling, Yulechka won’t make any unnecessary moves in the kitchen, she immediately delegated all the owner’s rights to me. She also has someone to compare with, I am the third daughter-in-law and the wife of her son. Before me there was a stern woman cop who didn’t talk to her and despised her in every possible way. For what? How can such simplicity and sincerity offend? Well, yes, she is talkative, and repeats herself like a record. Not very neat. just. The worst thing is that sometimes I have difficulty coping with irritation. Her shuffling, her gentle eyes, her “sunshine”, her sloppiness are annoying. I want not to see or hear her. Of course, I'm used to living with my husbands without their mothers. My mother-in-law is a good stranger to me. Can anyone please give me some advice on how to get rid of irritation?
It turns out that even a good and affectionate mother-in-law is annoying!
Here are some tips I read on Babyblog:
1. You will never get rid of irritation, but with the birth of a baby and with her help (to sit while you go shopping, etc.) you will feel a feeling of deep gratitude that she is nearby and there is someone to throw the child on!
2. And just some thoughts: my mother always said to me when I said something like “you’re slurping.” shuffling, etc. - when the time comes, I won’t be there and you’ll say: “It would be better if she was slurping and shuffling but alive.” And now my mother is no longer here, but I still remember about it. And when my mother-in-law bothers me, I also remember and calm down.
3.And I have this! My mother-in-law is good, with her quirks of course (like probably all people, including me), but she tries very hard, helps, treats me well... And sometimes her obsessive attention and desire to help just really irritates me , but it’s easier with us - we live separately. Just if you feel like you’re starting to get irritated, go for a walk, listen to music, watch a nice movie and it will go away) If it’s annoying that she’s imposing something on you, change the topic of conversation to something light and pleasant for her and for you.
4. I suppress this irritation within myself, but from time to time it still arises. She is also a very good mother-in-law, we haven’t quarreled even once in 3.5 years. She is always happy to help and give advice, but she is superfluous in the family, I mean in my husband and I’s family . Hence my irritation...
How old is your mother-in-law?
By the way, it is almost impossible to get rid of irritation, you can try to suppress it in yourself... but... then it can only get worse...
Try to transfer her to the status of NOT someone else's good person .
5. My mother-in-law is wonderful, we see each other once a month at most, she will always help, she adores her granddaughter, and so on. And six months ago I began to get annoyed with every call from her, even though she called once a week. I understand with my mind that there is no reason, but it was an unpleasant feeling . Then, thank God, everything passed, now I treat her the same way as before with respect and love, apparently she herself had some problems.
Like this. It turns out that no matter what the mother-in-law does, she will always annoy her daughter-in-law?
This is why it turns out that there are both bad mothers-in-law and good ones - but still the son is superfluous in the family?
Psychology of relationships with parents. How not to kill your mother-in-law?
When we were dating, his attention and care for his mother seemed so sweet to me. I thought, this is a real man who respects a woman, a good husband and a caring father, this is how he will take care of his family. A dream, not a spouse. How wrong I was!..
11 8561 July 20, 2012 at 01:03 Author of the publication: Diana Gadlevskaya, anesthesiologist
THE LAST DROP OF MY PATIENCE
The working day was coming to an end. There was almost no one left in the office. I opened the window and hot, stuffy air blew into my face with a mixture of smells of melting asphalt, exhaust fumes and acacia blossoming under the windows.
Do not wanna go Home. Disgusting feeling.
What's happening to us? Is this really the end? I don’t know how much longer I can bear this, I need to do something...
The phone rings - his number.
“Hello, Tanechka, be so kind as to buy me some Corvalola when you go home. I spent half a day washing your floors, the dirt is terrible, it’s probably never been washed here. Apparently, the pressure has jumped. Yes, and also chicken liver, Slavochka really loves liver cake.”
That's it, beeps. There is no need for an answer. Naturally, it was SHE, my mother-in-law... from his phone! It seems that Slavochka himself cannot go to the pharmacy or grocery store, he is very busy... What is he doing anyway?! Lord, how tired I am of all this!
When we were dating, his attention and care for his mother seemed so sweet to me. I thought, this is a real man who respects a woman, a good husband and a caring father, this is how he will take care of his family. A dream, not a spouse. How wrong I was!
Our family consists of him and his mother, and then somewhere in the background there is my figure. His mother controls everything - from the stock in the refrigerator to the issue of the birth of a child. Slavik does not have his own opinion and never has had one, and my attempts to decide something in our lives end in scandals and heart attacks, fainting or unexpected spasms and shortness of breath in my beloved mother-in-law.
My son is shaking over her in horror, an ambulance comes to us every other day, but only I see that these are all demonstration performances, playing for the public and exhausting his and my nerves.
My patience is over, today there will be only one woman left in our apartment...
EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE
Getting married safely is a great success, and establishing a relationship with your mother-in-law is simply happiness. After all, there are mothers-in-law who do not interfere in the family life of their son. And there are also those who smooth out conflicts between spouses, who want grandchildren and are ready to help, and not demand endless attention to their person.
How to recognize a real “mama’s boy” and his mother, who likes to speculate on her son’s feelings not in the tenth year of family life, but even before the wedding?
How not to mistake severe emotional dependence for filial care?
How to discern the need for boundless attention and emotional swings behind maternal care? How to understand all the tricks of the psychology of relationships with parents before it’s too late?
Let's consider these questions using the knowledge gained at the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.
The answers lie in the mental characteristics of such a unique couple as a son with an anal and visual vector and a mother with an unrealized skin-visual combination.
Relationships of this kind are called the “good boy complex”; it is formed over more than one day; these are the fruits of raising a son from childhood.
An impressionable anal-visual child, who receives the greatest pleasure from the praise of his parents, is ready to do anything just to hear approval from his beloved mother. She, due to the underdevelopment of the visual-cutaneous ligament, instead of pushing her son towards personal achievements and the development of his properties, tries to realize herself and her need for emotional swings at his expense. From praising his small actions to threatening him with heart attacks if he was late at school for five minutes.
And the psychology of relations with his mother develops in such a way that his whole life turns into a desire to receive praise, to hear words of approval from his mother, to please her, because this is the most important thing, because her feelings have been a priority since childhood. How can you please an unrealized skin-visual mother? Only by maintaining an emotional connection with her, experiencing her emotional swings together, playing the role of an audience for her home performances and scenes.
ANOTHER WOMAN?
There can be no other woman next to the skin-visual mother. She cannot lose her opportunity for even meager realization - this is the only source of pleasure, the only spectator in her theater.
And what opinion can her son have if he lived for 20-30-40 years with the idea that the main joy in life is not personal success or fulfillment, but mother’s praise, approval and recognition that “he is the best son in the world "
Can such a “good boy” grow up?
It all depends on the neglect of the case, on the level of emotional dependence and the presence of other vectors in the son, but the main driving moment in the mechanism of growing up is awareness of the essence of what is happening, understanding the nature of one’s desires and the mother’s needs, then everything is possible.
SECOND CHANCE
That evening I was driving home with an imaginary tomahawk in my hands and a readiness to put the question bluntly, but by the time I arrived, Slavochka had taken my mother to the hospital once again, this time with some kind of colic. No differently than how my mother-in-law felt...
Although now I’m somehow even grateful to her.
Now she has finally moved in with herself, although Slavik calls her every day or hour, it doesn’t matter anymore. The main thing is that we live separately! Every weekend we go to her, she plays the piano and sings, even rehearses with the kids she knows. The school director, her longtime admirer, finally persuaded her to become the artistic director of the theater group. Oh yes, here’s another thing - the heart attacks have passed, and colic, and spasms... Even, one might say, the lady blossomed, basking in the applause and signs of attention from her admirer.
After all these years of living together, I now really want to go home. For the first time, our union began to resemble a family, we had some common interests, some goals, and there was a place in his heart for me. I remembered why I still love him: for his sensuality, openness, sincere spontaneity and ability to see beauty in everything.
Now I am sure that we can be happy together, and his mother... Let her live a long time in her country house and play the piano.
Anal vector - at free introductory lectures, coming soon.
Proofreader: Galina Rzhannikova
Author of the publication: Diana Gadlevskaya, anesthesiologist
The article was written based on materials from the training “System-vector psychology”
Relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Causes of conflicts and ways to resolve them
“There are two empty chairs in heaven: one for a good mother-in-law, and the second for a good daughter-in-law,” says an Eastern proverb. Some African peoples living in large tribes still have customs according to which mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and mother-in-law and son-in-law can meet only on large tribal holidays. In the Solomon Islands, a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law living in the same house cannot not only do any work at the same time, but also be in the household part of the house at the same time. Of course, these facts convince us that the problems are the same everywhere, but they can hardly reassure us. Especially in the case when inter-family conflicts are not a curious historical fact, but an everyday reality. And probably the fact that the tension in the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law has been recognized by all of humanity at all times, still did not deter you from wanting to make a revolution in a single family.
Making contact
Even if you do not live with your husband’s mother, sometimes your interests do not coincide.
And if you have to exist under one roof, the likelihood of conflicts increases. Try to get out of them with dignity, but without damage to your small family, that is, to your relationship with your husband. You have the right to defend your marriage, your boundaries, and your right to be happy. Keep your distance. Determine for yourself the boundaries of your relationship: where you are ready to let your mother-in-law and where not. Do this with kindness, but quite firmly.
Related article Fake Grandma? Why does the mother-in-law not want to sit with her grandchildren?
Maintain subordination. For example, don’t try to immediately call your mother-in-law “mom,” at least until your relationship really becomes truly warm. Call your husband's mother by his first name and patronymic, or better yet, by your first name.
Be “in the house.” Know how to analyze and distance yourself from what makes you nervous. If every time you come to visit your “mom,” she tries to prick you in front of everyone, not heeding your husband’s requests, just give up the unpleasant trips.
Don't escalate the situation. Even if conflict cannot be avoided, you should not increase its intensity. Do you know how diplomats go around corners? With just one phrase: “You are absolutely right.” This expression helps soften your opponent, after which you can safely express your opinion.
Write a list. If your mother-in-law expresses her dissatisfaction and criticism, analyze what this is due to: “tasteless food” or a “dirty house”, “inability to raise a child” or the fact that you “don’t monitor your husband’s appearance.” Write down all possible options, and next to each, note how you can answer politely, but peremptorily. Firstly, it will help you see where your husband’s mother is really right. Secondly, the next time you have a confrontation on the same issue, you will be fully armed and will give a worthy answer, while unnecessary feelings will be under control.
Article on the topic
Dear mother-in-law, golden mother-in-law. How to get along with a “strange” mother?
Who is to blame and what to do?
There are times when the first of these questions is not particularly relevant and you need to immediately begin solving the second. If your husband’s mother is an absolutely difficult, conflict-ridden and aggressive person, not only in our opinion, but also in the opinion of everyone around her, then the problem is most likely in the peculiarities of her character. Then your task is to try not to provoke scandals. Although you are unlikely to be able to significantly change the situation: such cases are the exception. And if you feel that the hostile attitude concerns only you, then the question of its reasons is very important. Having understood why a person behaves this way and not otherwise, it is easier for us to decide what needs to be done. And this applies not only to relationships with your husband’s parents. Very soon you will realize that children also behave differently with everyone, and your behavior is probably different depending on who you are dealing with.
Why is this happening?
Tug of war between your mother and mother-in-law
Each of the grandmothers always seems (regardless of whether they are right or wrong) that the other spends more time with the newborn. It rarely happens that relatives on both sides have an equal amount of time at their disposal. As a rule, the mother's parents are nearby more often, and the mother-in-law and father-in-law feel left out. To calm jealousy, reassure your mother-in-law that time spent together—whether short or long—tells you what a wonderful grandmother she will be, and how excited you are to share news of your baby with her as he grows.
Causes of conflicts are individual
But, if everything is so natural and natural, why are there families where people maintain good relations with the parents of the husband and wife, and there are, on the contrary, families in which conflicts practically do not subside? Is it possible to guess what kind of behavior to expect from your husband’s mother, and to be, as they say, prepared? And what generally affects a woman’s qualities as a mother-in-law?
Of course, character traits. Women who are powerful, principled, and strive to feel their leadership in any situation are more likely to, if not demand total submission, then persistently enforce their rules in the new family.
Your living conditions will have a great influence on your relationship, and this does not only mean living together or living separately. In addition to sufficient living space, a person needs time structuring. Simply put, he needs to do something, to somehow realize his energy. If your mother-in-law works and, in addition, has a lot of hobbies, then it is unlikely that she will come to you to control the quality of the laundry. Rather, in you she will look for a listener who is interested in her own problems. By the way, women in leadership positions are often not at all directive in communicating with family and relatives.
The established relationship between mother and son is also important. An unfavorable factor may be the mother’s excessive attachment to her son, when he was the only meaning and the only love throughout her life. Usually this is a late child, very desired, or a child who was left without a father early, and the mother “sacrificed everything for him.” Of course, in both cases, it will be difficult for parents, especially the mother, to get used to the breakup. In fact, they do not want to put up with changes at all and continue to fulfill their usual role, considering themselves part of their son’s family.
If the mother-in-law teaches how to raise children
If, with the advent of a grandson, the mother-in-law decides to prove herself an expert in parenting (she raised two of them herself!), get ready for endless advice.
Elena, mother of Sasha (9 months) and Seryozha (5 years old), says: “My mother-in-law constantly finds fault with me: either she didn’t put a cap on the baby (and this is in the summer heat), or she can’t use diapers so often. And when Seryozha got sick, she gave instructions like “spread the garlic all over the room” and brought some infusions brewed according to recipes from television shows. I try to be a strict mother, but my mother-in-law spoils Seryozha and brings sweets - it turns out that my mother is bad and my grandmother is good.
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Family psychologist Natalya Poltotskaya comments: “In many cases, the mother-in-law, instead of the functions of a grandmother, takes on the parental mission. Often this happens because she just wants to feel needed. In this case, it is important to make it clear to the mother-in-law that only the child’s parents can decide what he needs and how to raise him correctly.
You shouldn’t hush up the problem, nor should you get into trouble, says the psychologist. It is better to use feminine cunning:
- let the mother-in-law express her opinion (in some cases it can be useful), and you listen and do it your way;
- try to less often deal with issues of raising a child in front of your grandmother - this way she will have fewer reasons to find fault;
- call your mother-in-law more often, if necessary, ask her advice: what she would do in a given situation - this way your grandmother will feel useful;
- limit the time the mother-in-law spends with her grandson under “practical” pretexts: for example, the child needs to develop speech and communicate more often with peers.
If the mother-in-law is convinced that her borscht is the most delicious, and you can only be trusted with boiling eggs, then gifts for your beloved son can develop into a constant ration. The psychologically correct thing to do is not to stand in a pose, but to look at the situation from three points of view: your own, your mother-in-law and a neutral side. This will allow you to understand whether your view is truly unbiased (a woman, for example, usually takes the same advice from her mother more calmly), and will help change your attitude towards the problem.
- Periodically consult with your mother-in-law on matters of housekeeping: this will raise your mother-in-law’s authority and make her understand that you have no desire to fight with her.
- Ask your mother-in-law what dishes her son likes and doesn’t like, ask for the recipe.
- When you visit your mother-in-law, try offering her your help with the housework: somewhere you can cheat and say that you can’t do something - let her show you how to do it “correctly”.
Irina says: “I was annoyed that my mother-in-law was telling me how to cook, but the psychologist suggested that I look at it differently - she considers her experience useful. Then I decided to use her zeal for good: I don’t like to roll cucumbers and tomatoes, but she just does - I directed her efforts in this direction, where she can show her skill.
I hate my mother-in-law - what to do, advice from a psychologist
Songs are written, films are made, and plays are staged about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Thousands of new families are created every day. And almost every family has the same problems: “unbearable mother-in-law.”
Notice they don’t say “unbearable daughter-in-law.” Because the well-being of the family hearth is in the hands of the daughter-in-law. It depends on the daughter-in-law how her relationship with her mother-in-law will develop. The main thing in all this is not to start a conflict from the first day of acquaintance. To avoid this, we wrote this article especially for you. So, how to mend a damaged relationship with your mother-in-law?
Striving to do things your own way
If, for example, your mother-in-law wants to hold your baby until he falls asleep, or do something else that won't constantly disrupt his (or you's) routine, let her do as she knows. Some disagreements are simply not worth fighting over. Gain respect for yourself by saying, “Thank you for doing... (what she does) or for teaching me other ways to calm a child,” for example. In all problems that arise with your mother-in-law, call on your sense of humor to help, especially if she strongly insists and imposes herself. And when you strongly disagree with your mother-in-law, you can gently remind her that there are many more new developments in the field of raising children.
