0 62 July 22, 2020 at 07:31 pm Author of the publication: Sofia Ulantikova
My heart is tearing through my chest, my fingers cling to the leather binding to keep from trembling, my throat is dry and my eyes are moist. The knees are tightly compressed, the feet are shriveled and hidden under the chair. How to stop being afraid of people? Yes, I'm not afraid. Well, I didn’t seem to be afraid. Only my voice trembles while I feverishly flip through the pages of the menu.
- Shrimp salad, vegetable puree soup, mojito... And... and... (“Damn, what else? Oh, never mind.”) And that’s it.
The waiter smiles.
- Your order…
He lists my friends’ favorite dishes for a long time and at the end repeats my wishes. Then I remember: “More khachapuri with cheese!”
- Anything else?
My chest felt heavy, as if a stone had been shoved there instead of my heart. I want to say something, but I can't even breathe. Everyone else shakes their heads.
— It will be ready within half an hour.
And there is no waiter.
— Katya, you loved cheese khachapuri here. Now don't you want to?
I shrug my shoulders. My face is probably very sad right now. I want to crawl under the table...
- I'll go wash my hands.
...or run to the restroom.
That's how it all began. Harmless. Now I'm afraid of any contact with people. I don’t open up even to those closest to me. Afraid:
- eat in a public place,
- talking on the phone,
- speak in public
- attend interviews and business meetings,
- meet the opposite sex,
- hear that they laugh at me,
- look like a fool.
I read the statistics on social phobias: every fifth person is treated with alcohol, and 18% abuse psychoactive substances. 17% suffer from depression, 33% from panic disorder. Now I feel like I might go crazy. If I don’t fight, I’ll soon die of loneliness.
“I’m very afraid of people, help”
Years go by, the full potential of the opportunities has not been revealed. And all because I am very afraid of people. How to stop being afraid of people and shy? After all, I, like no one else, understand that for me these are like shackles that prevent me from walking confidently and joyfully through life. The cry of the soul manifests itself in the key phrase: “I’m afraid of people, help.”
Let's turn to System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan to understand the reason for the manifestation of most fears. We will also look at why some people are afraid of strangers or shy when communicating with new people.
According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, each person is endowed with a certain set of properties and desires, thanks to which he manifests himself in one way and not another, among others. Groups of innate desires and properties are called vectors. There are eight vectors in total.
How to recognize the psychology of the victim?
Before you start solving a problem, you must make sure that it exists. All people sometimes want to be pitied and consoled. However, does this mean that they present themselves as victims of circumstances? Not always. In most cases, such people have every right to complain about life, since various unfair situations always happen to them. However, as a rule, they overdramatize everything.
Most people with a victim mentality don’t start complaining about fate just like that. Such actions require a certain emotional impetus. For example, a person may begin to feel that the whole world is against him after he has been fired from his job or expelled from university. Friends and relatives begin to feel sorry for such a person, thereby awakening the psychology of the victim in her. However, it will be much more effective to help her with actions rather than words.
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Why are some people afraid of people?
All registers of fears, including the fear of new people, can be combined into one fear - the fear of death, to which owners of the visual vector are susceptible.
A visual person is an extrovert who likes to communicate a lot and be the center of attention. Only from an extrovert can he turn into the complete opposite. And from the desire to always be in the center of attention, to demonstrate oneself, to create emotional connections through communication, we get a completely different life scenario - “I’m very afraid of people.”
The reason that “I am very afraid of people” may also be the case when in childhood I directly saw what a visual child fears most - death. For example, I attended a funeral. For a child’s fragile and not yet formed psyche, death, seen even indirectly, will forever remain a psychological trauma. And it can manifest itself in a later life scenario through fear of new people or other phobias.
Another reason why some people are afraid of people may be that a visual child was bullied at school. He suffered deep psychological trauma from peer bullying, both verbally and physically. Everything that he had to endure in the children's group is projected into relationships. As an adult, he tries to be unnoticed in society.
Is it difficult to deal with the psychology of the victim?
In most cases, yes, since everything depends on the character of the individual, her perseverance, desire to achieve her goals, and also cope with all life’s difficulties. Of course, if the victim herself does not understand that she cannot continue to live like this, then even a qualified specialist will not be able to help her. However, a person who decides to fight such thinking will sooner or later achieve success and change his life for the better.
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As for time, everything is also strictly individual. In some cases, literally a few days are enough for people to stop considering themselves a victim and begin to change things for the better. Sometimes such a struggle occurs over several days. It all depends on what circumstances the person had to endure. In addition, repeated failures can renew feelings that seemed long forgotten.
How to stop being afraid of people and shy
In the overwhelming majority of cases, excessive shyness and fear of people (in this case, as the fear of disgrace), according to the definition of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, arises in the owners of the anal vector. They are by nature very trusting and decent. But also very indecisive. It is difficult for them to get used to new things. Including new people. They are the ones who may be afraid of new people and shy in an unusual environment.
In addition, they have an excellent memory, which is why they are hostage to their first experience. If a person with the anal vector has once been deceived or ridiculed, it is difficult for him to trust people.
And if the natural shyness of the anal vector is strengthened by the fears of the visual vector, we get a person with an anal-visual ligament who does not find the answer to how to stop being afraid of people and being shy. Already an adult, a professional in his field, will be afraid of looking ridiculous and stupid. Avoid new communications in any way so as not to repeat previous negative experiences.
If you unconsciously consider another person as an object of danger, a range appears on the physical level - from “I’m shy of strangers” to “I’m afraid of strangers, experiencing discomfort and fear of communication every day” and even panic.
It happens that the owner of the anal vector, quite satisfied with life, tries to learn communication skills, following the recommendations of friends or relatives. He hopes that this will make him a more respected member of the team or help him communicate with the opposite sex. But the result turns out to be the opposite. A problem comes to the surface that has not arisen before - how to stop being afraid of people and being shy.
Why are we shy?
Shyness is usually a consequence of our desire to be the best and the fear of doing something wrong. But, as you understand, it is impossible to be perfect always and in everything. As a result, we commit some, as it seems to us, misdeeds, noticing which we begin to be ashamed and even hate ourselves. Often, due to inflated demands on oneself and internal criticism, there is a fear of realizing oneself, of expressing oneself.
Some people interpret shame as a biological emotion, others say that it is a biosocial phenomenon. It is worth understanding that embarrassment is a manifestation of our natural essence; all people without exception experience this feeling. But what each of us is embarrassed or ashamed of depends on our social experience: parental upbringing, school, first relationships, etc.
There is another reason for shyness - negative experiences in the past. When, for example, significant people behaved incorrectly towards you: they laughed, told someone about your mistake, spoke rudely about the results of your work, etc.
How to stop being afraid of new people
What can be done to turn the fear of new people into the complete opposite - the pleasure of communicating with strangers?
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals the depths of the incredible potential of the visual vector. When the fear of communication is transformed into its opposite - through the creation of emotional connections with others, all the power of the emotional amplitude that the owner of the visual vector is endowed with transforms into a qualitatively new state. Where previously the viewer might have felt fear of new people, pleasure from communication appears.
For the owner of the anal vector, understanding the causes of shyness will be a good support. This will help you use your innate qualities where they can bring real satisfaction, without trying to follow other people's life scenarios.
You can learn everything in detail about the properties of anal and other vectors at the free online training on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. There you will be able to understand why some people are afraid of people and get rid of many worries. Register for the free online training using the link.
Author: Yulia Tarkhova
The article was written using training materials on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan
How dangerous is the psychology of the victim?
Firstly, such individuals attract negativity into their lives. Almost every person knows the law of materialization of thoughts. If we think about something and sincerely desire it, it will definitely happen in our world. The psychology of the victim works very well with this law. Deep down, people want various misfortunes to happen to them, after which people will begin to feel sorry for them. However, negative programs attracted by the mind can be too strong.
Also, do not forget that victims will not engage in self-development under any pretext. Such an attitude towards their own life is simply impossible for them: “When should I play sports if I can hardly make ends meet, trying to earn money for food?” As a result, they mark time in one place. People with a victim mentality are simply waiting for a miracle to happen in their lives. How long does it take for them to realize that there will be no changes?
Focusing on what matters most
Excellent student syndrome is most often encountered by those who are busy with a large number of different things. You spend a lot of time and effort trying to solve everything you can, not realizing that if you direct your efforts in one direction, you can get a much greater return.
Therefore, you need to set your priorities. You agree that today it will be more important to complete the sale of the project than to think about vacation in May. Analytical psychologist Olga Pronkina once said: “Most often, what distracts us from achieving a result is that we confuse the concepts of the final goal and the ideal.”
Ideals are unattainable, and this is why they are terrible for a person. No matter how much effort is applied, nothing will work.
It is important to learn to distinguish between an ideal and a goal, so take a piece of paper and write all your goals on it. After which you need to create two columns, separately for ideals and separately for goals, and sort everything that was written earlier there. The left column should be put aside, and you should start achieving goals from the right. You won't even notice how you get your desired ideal.
The world is not perfect
For many, and most often perfectionists, it is very difficult to struggle with achieving the ideal. If in doubt, you can talk to a fortune teller or use fortune telling online. These people make every step they take until the final result is perfect. But is it necessary to spend so much energy on this?
The choice is always up to the individual, but think about it: is it necessary to cry over every well-done (rather than excellent) project? Or is it better to gradually accustom yourself to the fact that our whole world is not ideal. For example, if you look at the most beautiful person in the world, you will notice that his eyes are different. And our halves of the face are also not identical, then what kind of ideal can we talk about at all?
Realize that the world won't end if one day you do something acceptable rather than perfect.
Shyness has its advantages
Shy people need to know that they have certain advantages. Let's name some of them.
- Intensive self-development. A shy person finds it difficult to communicate with other people, but it is easy for him to be with himself. Shy people are constantly engaged in self-analysis, so they easily identify their shortcomings and try to work on them.
- Anonymity. Who would have thought that in the 21st century it is almost impossible for an ordinary person to do anything without the knowledge of society? But social networks, mobile phones and a bunch of applications that report our location make it almost impossible to have privacy. Shy people find it easier to get lost in a crowd: they are quiet, so they attract less attention.
- The ability to choose friends. Shy people know how to observe and draw the right conclusions. That is why they are picky in their relationships, both intimate and public. In addition, they know how to listen, so they are always good conversationalists.
Reasons for shyness
There are many reasons for the emergence of such a character trait as shyness. Most often, they are grouped and talk about two main reasons :
- lack of social skills,
- diffidence.
The fact that shyness is caused by a lack of social skills explains why children are shy. The baby hugs his mother and hides behind her when someone unfamiliar speaks to him, because he is not yet socialized enough.
Interestingly , the reason for the lack of social skills explains the relevance of the problem of shyness. Children, teenagers and young people , too often immersed in gadgets and freely communicating in virtual reality, lose their “live” communication skills, which is why they are more often shy and constrained in real society.
Read about how parents can help their child cope with shyness in the article “Shy Child.”
Social skills are acquired and developed, but self-doubt as the cause of shyness is more difficult to understand. This shyness may be due to :
- Personality features . According to the observations of scientists, shyness often becomes a character trait of introverts, melancholic and phlegmatic people, people with an internal locus of control.
- A traumatic situation that happened in the past . Sometimes one soul-wounding event is enough for an active and courageous person to turn into a repressed and fearful one. The more people who have observed a situation that is subjectively perceived as shameful and humiliating, the more traumatic it will seem.
- Peculiarities of upbringing in childhood. If a person grew up shy, this does not mean at all that he was taught this or set an example. It is enough to simply limit and suppress a child’s initiative, treat him with indifference, disdain, humiliate and mock him in public, scare him with horror stories about evil strangers.
The theory of innate shyness deserves special mention . Research conducted by him at the end of the last century showed that the cause of shyness may be heredity! Shyness, caused biologically, according to the beliefs of R. Cattell's followers, unfortunately, cannot be corrected psychologically.
This is perhaps the most pessimistic view of the problem of shyness. Representatives of other areas of psychology hold the opposite point of view and work with the problem of shyness. Moreover, psychologists say that adults are quite able to cope with shyness on their own, without resorting to the help of a specialist.
Do things that you can do
Most of the effort, attention and time is devoted to the work in which a person is poorly versed. But in this case, you should understand that it is normal to doubt your abilities. It is impossible to be an expert in everything. And if you are faced with some similar work, do not take full responsibility. In cases where there is no choice, do not be afraid to turn to professionals, and learn to share responsibilities with others.
Each person should do what he understands and what he can do. After all, imagine what will happen when a cook takes on shoe repair, and you start sewing a carnival costume for a child in one night, although you have long forgotten what it is and how to do everything efficiently. Therefore, by following this rule, your work will be of high quality, because you know exactly what needs to be done and will not waste your nerves and energy on something that is alien to you.
Undesirable extreme
If a person painfully searches for a way, he can go to the other extreme. Find someone even more timid and assert yourself at his expense. Become a censor, persecutor and executioner for another person. Yesterday's shy and clumsy eccentrics may well become cruel initiators of bullying. However, this will not solve the problem - half of the aggressors are typical timid losers who are mortally afraid of being in the victim’s place. It is impossible to overcome shyness in this way; it is just overcompensation, a gesture of despair, and it has a destructive effect on the psyche.
Psychosomatic manifestations
If we consider timidity as a psychological problem, and not as a reprehensible defect, then we can get rid of one of the main reasons for this phenomenon. Getting rid of judgment is half the solution to the problem that is shyness. In psychology, this is considered one of the fundamental techniques when a value judgment addressed to a patient is absolutely unacceptable. However, in addition to psychological problems, a painfully shy person also has more pressing ones, namely psychosomatics.
If, due to shyness, profuse sweating, tremors of the limbs, disorientation in space and breathing problems begin, then we are talking about serious psychosomatic signals. Of course, it is worth ruling out the presence of a physical disease that gives the above symptoms, but everything in the body is interconnected. No wonder they say that all diseases are caused by nerves.
Psychosomatic manifestations block the path to salvation from timidity, and they must be fought to the best of one’s strength and ability. If the psychologist is unable to provide assistance, then the next step will be a referral to a psychiatrist who will prescribe a mild sedative. Of course, this dulls attention, but it also prevents you from worrying too much.
Fears of a shy person
He has many fears, and it depends only on his sincerity to himself whether he recognizes it as fear or prefers the wording “reasonable fears.” You can be afraid of anything: putting on a bright T-shirt, changing your hairstyle, replacing glasses with contact lenses, meeting a person of the opposite sex... Shy people do not sing in karaoke bars, do not go to nightclubs and are unlikely to become regulars at an ordinary youth party. If you see someone in a group who is trying to pretend to be invisible, that is him, the shy person. The word “shyness” itself is very expressive in structure. The personality is behind the wall. A person withdraws and goes on the defensive, believing that whoever is not seen will not be attacked.
Before awareness of the problem occurs, a shy person does not even ask the question of how to overcome shyness. On the contrary, this character trait is perceived as protective armor. Not to provoke something that is sure to cause strong emotional experiences - this is the main task of shyness. And even if this tool does not work or helps only partially, it is familiar and convenient. It is very difficult to get rid of it.
Learn to deal with failure
Many people do not know how to cope with failures, so they begin to pay great attention to things, trying to make them so that everything is perfect.
Stop being ashamed of yourself and your results. Don’t start to torment yourself because something didn’t work out, because first of all you need support from yourself.
You can do this by saying: “I did everything I could and everything that was required of me. I have nothing to blame myself for.” Next, start analyzing your experience and think about what you need to do differently next time so as not to encounter similar mistakes.
Remember that every failure is a valuable experience that should be taken as a lesson, and not blame yourself for failure.
