What will people say? Not only relatives, but also colleagues, random passers-by on the street and even on the Internet. It seems that everyone around them is washing their bones behind their backs. You constantly monitor your speech so as not to offend anyone. And what was said in your address scrolls through your head for a long time. Any choice is a disaster. You get upset if you don't approve. Therefore, you always rely on the opinions of others, you live in their steps to the detriment of yourself. I am the only one? Is this treatable?
Why do people depend on other people's opinions?
Gestalt therapist Anastasia Ivanova recalls an anecdote about this. Mom calls the boy from the street: “Petya, come home urgently!” He asks: “Am I cold?” “No, you’re hungry,” mom replies. Children are often told what they should or should not feel. Classic example: "Boys don't cry." This attitude effectively prohibits a child of a certain gender from expressing emotions in a certain way.
Another example is the phrase “You can’t be angry with your mother.” Does a person have a choice - to be angry or not to be angry? If parents respond to their children’s aggression with their own, the child gets scared: after all, they are stronger than him.
“It can be a truly traumatic experience. A person stops allowing himself to feel and grows up with suppressed aggression and an unhealthy dependence on other people’s reactions,” explains the Gestalt therapist.
In addition to errors in upbringing, the cause may be stress experienced during the first experience of socialization - in kindergarten or school. But could it be that nothing bad happened to us, but we are still dependent on the opinions of others?
There are also individual differences: genetically we may be more or less stable, more or less able to resist external traumatic factors.
One form of self-analysis is journaling. Each day, fill one page with the thoughts that seem most important to you. At the end of the week, re-read the entries and underline those that were repeated several times. Self-analysis will help you understand the motives behind your behavior. The next time you want someone's approval, it may not seem so important to you.
2. Setting priorities.
Frederick Newman believes that you can tame your dependence on others by creating a “hierarchy of opinions.” “What matters most to us is the opinion of the family: husband or wife, children, parents. The opinion of superiors and close friends matters a lot, but still less. The opinions of colleagues and neighbors are already somewhere at a lower level. The opinions of just acquaintances are at the very end of this hierarchy. The considerations of random people you meet are none of your business,” he writes.
Maybe your “hierarchy of opinions” will look different. But it nevertheless exists, you just need to realize it. Not everyone will value the views of their superiors and close friends; for some, the position of respected colleagues will be closer to their parents’, and a random person you meet may turn out to be a smart person.
Understanding internal connections will allow you to ease the pressure where it is too great and focus on what is important. “You have to accept the fact that some people will approve of you and others will not. Sometimes there are people who want to think that you are full of shortcomings. They will criticize you no matter what you do,” Newman says. - But there will also be those who will admire even those qualities of yours that seem insignificant to you. Try to find such people in your environment.”
3. Practice self-love.
Since dependence on social approval is closely related to self-rejection, clinical psychologist Christina Hibbert advises starting with this problem.
We need to learn to treat ourselves as well as we treat our best friends. If this is difficult, you need to develop such an attitude, says the psychologist.
“It means constantly doing nice things for yourself, taking care of yourself, allowing others to love you, practicing mindfulness. Restoring self-esteem has a radical impact on the ability to be independent,” says Hibbert.
4. Body practices.
The body always sends us a signal about how we really feel. When you're scared, your heart begins to beat faster, anxiety can manifest itself in tense shoulders, and a drooping head indicates melancholy.
Therefore, all bodily practices that teach you to listen to your physical state - such as yoga - can be an excellent help. The better you hear your body, the greater your chances of sorting out your feelings and filling that very emptiness inside where other people's voices have settled.
5. A break from social networks.
We underestimate how much social media influences our thinking. Dependence on them is directly related to dependence on other people's opinions. With the help of likes and illusory friendship, we try to make up for the love that we once lacked.
The information we spend hours absorbing on Facebook or VKontakte puts social pressure on us. We constantly compare ourselves with other users - and get upset.
Someone got a hundred likes, and if I have less, then there’s something wrong with me.
We fall into real addiction without noticing it ourselves. Sometimes just taking a break is enough. Try switching to something else regularly: for example, reading books.
6. Example of millennials.
Business consultant and founder of 4A's Nancy Hill gives witty advice. She believes that millennials are less dependent on the opinions of others, and suggests following their example. “This generation was brought up with the philosophy that ‘it’s not about winning, it’s about participating,’” she says. “They have more confidence in what they are offering to the world.”
You may have been told your whole life to learn from your elders, but Hill believes you should look up to the youngest generation.
7. Healing solitude.
Just like from online communication, we sometimes need a break from those around us. Because their imaginary and real voices create a continuous background behind which we have difficulty distinguishing ourselves.
“Sometimes we are simply torn by emotions, and we lose control over our own lives. Try spending some time alone with yourself and see if it helps you cope with your anxiety. This is also a good way to check your relationship with your loved ones. Understanding partners will give you the space you need and will be happy when you return,” says Jessica King.
8. Treatment by a specialist.
If from time to time you notice the excessive influence of others on your condition, but then convince yourself that everything is not so bad, most likely you are engaged in self-deception. Dependence on other people's opinions ruins your life. The most direct and fastest way to get rid of it is to work with a therapist.
According to Anastasia Ivanova, in this case group therapy will be useful. “This method creates a kind of microcosm in which people learn to interact again,” she says. “After all, you will be confronted with the opinions of others directly during therapy and learn to understand why you have this particular reaction and what to do about it.”
Being dependent on someone is experienced in different ways. Someone happily gives all the care for their loved one to another person. Others, on the contrary, run away from addiction as soon as they smell it.
However, no matter what kind of person you are, the three types of independence
. Once you have them, you can freely go towards any goal.
How to recognize your addiction
It is not difficult to detect the presence of an addiction. Examples of such a problem can be various cases from life. You should sound the alarm if:
- You refuse to buy something just because someone around you criticized it.
- You refuse to go to the cinema because one of their friends or relatives shared their negative opinion about the film they watched.
- You only buy things that others like, but not you.
There are many ways in which addiction can manifest itself, and it can be of a different nature. Often, those who are afraid are unable to defeat the enemy within themselves. Their life can become unhappy and even tragic.
Succumbing to the opinions of others, people can get a job they hate, marry an unloved person, buy an uncomfortable apartment, and even have unwanted children.
Such addiction destroys the personality, so it is important to identify it in a timely manner and get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Buying things only after the approval of others is a symptom of addiction
Financial independence. Own source of income
They say to the child: “We won’t buy it, you behaved badly.”
The woman is told: “I won’t buy you a fur coat, I don’t deserve it.”
What's the difference then? Why is this person considered an adult?
In fact, the first thing an addict or someone who fears addiction should do is to ensure their bread and their roof over their head.
Believe me, if you are sure that with your profession or skills you are able to provide yourself with minimal benefits (you will survive in any case), you will never agree to stay in an extremely difficult relationship. This is the answer to the question of how not to depend on others. First of all, make sure that there is no leverage left on you.
Then it won’t even occur to your partner, boss, parent or God knows who else who will take care of you to threaten you with a piece of bread. Because you are capable – and yourself.
If you are not yet capable, hurry up and take care of it. Get an education. Go to work. Gain skills and experience. In any case, they will remain yours - for life. Not a bad investment, right?
Advice from psychologists
Anyone can overcome addiction. The main thing is to find the strength to face your fears. Psychologists are sure that it will be easier to get rid of this problem if:
- The patient will learn to say “no” to people. Having learned to refuse others, it will be easier to analyze the situation at moments when he feels someone else’s influence over him.
- Rationalize your thoughts and actions for your own good. It’s even better to write down certain goals that the individual sets for himself. This will help the patient gain confidence and gradually move towards completing the assigned tasks.
- The sufferer will begin to express his opinion. This step is the most difficult. The easiest way is to watch a movie or read a book and discuss it with loved ones. It is important to identify all the moments the person liked and mention them in conversation.
In attempts to express one's own opinion, disputes may arise. Despite a weak character, low self-esteem and other problems, it is important not to deviate from your own goal. The more the patient stands by his opinion, the more likely it is that he will develop self-confidence.
It is important for the patient to learn to say “no”
Emotional independence
“You are a bad daughter, son, grandson, employee, spouse, man, woman” and thousands of other roles. Behind them is a desire to “lift yourself up” at your expense: something like “I have the right to judge you.”
“It’s your fault that my heart hurts, my side hurts, I gave birth to you in agony, I got sick because of you, I lost money, my only chance in life.” This keeps feelings of guilt on a tight leash.
“I desperately need you, I can’t survive without you, I’m trying for you, I really need you, I love you so much” - the soft pillow of passive aggression smoothly descends, blocking the breath of the potential “savior”.
Emotional independence comes from the experience of “I am good enough, I have the right to live, I have the right to want.” If you had a completely different childhood, and now you sometimes doubt your right, the right to your desires (not to realize them, but at least to desire and look for how to accommodate them in this life) - welcome to your most primary birthright.
And then the question of how not to depend on others emotionally does not arise.
Your foot will not be in those relationships where you have to pay for love:
By obedience,
Time that you are not willing to devote to a person voluntarily,
Money you didn't intend to give
and many others.
Independence from other people's opinions
There is such a belief: “You cannot refuse an authoritative opinion.” For some, the authority is their mother, for others it is Ivan Petrovich, for others it is a completely fictional character. It is also impossible to abandon the generally accepted opinion - otherwise... otherwise... (usually here the convinced begin to nod at “otherwise the whole world will slide into chaos”).
Unfortunately, it won't roll off. He is no longer controllable in the usual sense of the word. He just is.
Therefore, the third contribution to not depending on others is the right to seek and make mistakes, to accept beliefs and abandon them. Taking on obligations and (oh horror!) failing to meet them.
If the professor’s opinion differs from yours, this is not a reason to refuse yours. This is a reason to take responsibility for your decisions.
Literally: if you are sure that you actually do not have a tumor, you can take a risk. True, you can. On one side of the scale there will be faith in the professor, on the other - your health, and possibly your life.
Common sense usually wins the competition.
And it has nothing to do with “public opinion”, “this is how it is with us” and other ideological things.
Total:
If it is impossible to “press” you with the most valuable thing - your life, if you yourself earn a piece of bread and have a place to live (even if it’s just a corner),
If you cannot be led on a leash made out of guilt, shame, out of your desire to be loved,
If you are willing to risk the generally accepted “standards” and do something your own way, accepting the result of your “experience” -
then you probably don't depend on other people.
James RAPSON
psychotherapist
Craig ENGLISH
writer
Nice people do everything too much: they adapt too much, they apologize too much. They float through life, adapting and giving in - in an attempt to please everyone. They strive to please others, even if they ignore or insult them. Such people show anxiety in relationships: through dependence, ingratiation, excessive readiness to bend to other people's desires. They are always worried about what others will think of them. And every time they are surprised when they are rejected. Nice people often suffer from feelings of inferiority and fear of inadequacy. They feel like they have to prove their worth and excellence over and over again, and although they may be quite competent in professional and social life, they remain constantly nervous.
Watch yourself
Our primary tool for overcoming anxious attachment is mindfulness practice. Our task is to observe the obsessive thoughts and feelings that arise again and again, and pull them into the light, where they lose their power. At first, awareness increases anxiety. Moreover, we notice that we are still overwhelmed with feelings of unspoken resentment, anger and constant anxiety that we secretly stored inside ourselves. These feelings are so different from the image that we carefully created: nice people are not supposed to
angry or anxious. As children, we learned that negative emotions do not bring us the love we need, and therefore these feelings are not for us. And when such feelings appear, we consider them - and ourselves - bad, disgusting, spoiled, evil. Non-judgmental mindfulness requires that we learn to observe thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations without dividing them into “bad” and “good”. Only by accepting and carefully examining them will we be able to discover their cause, which means we will be able to change them. The habit of judging runs very deep (sometimes we even condemn our own judgment!), and the practice of mindfulness is dedicated to understanding this habit and getting rid of it. Over time, as we learn to pay attention to self-judgment, it will begin to disappear.
Be alone
People who suffer from anxious attachment usually fear being neglected or abandoned. They will constantly sacrifice their time, energy and self-esteem just to avoid being alone. As a result, they often find themselves in relationships that do not bring them joy, playing roles that are harmful to them, even if these relationships themselves do not give them the feeling of security they are looking for. That is why the conscious choice of solitude is an extremely important experience for a transforming personality. When done with care and compassion, loneliness can be a good laboratory for studying emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations and behavior.
One of the main results of a period of solitude is the development of the “loneliness muscle.” If you practice solitude meaningfully and moderately, you will become increasingly comfortable with it, without worrying about your separation from others. The challenge is learning to love yourself the way a caring parent loves their child: unconditionally, no matter what you discover, and as much as you can. An important part of practicing solitude is to develop specific self-care skills. This can be a difficult task for nice people who have long accepted the fact that addiction is the order of the day.
Understand what you want
“What do I believe? What are my values? How should I live? Nice people avoid these three questions if the answers conflict with their habit of adapting to the needs of others. Our whole life is a constant work on the formation of personal ethics. Any situation that requires a person to make a decision is suitable for this purpose. A nice person in any given case is likely to give in to someone else's desires - not because he always agrees with them, and not because he considers such a choice to be correct, but because he is afraid of being the cause of conflict: he takes risks to lose friendship, love or status. A transforming person in a similar situation will look inward and ask himself, “What do I think is right?” These are the words of a warrior.
Don't suppress aggression
You need to understand that aggression is part of your personality. In fact, it is necessary for all living beings. Appreciate the determination and persistence with which a raven attacks bread crumbs, a puppy fights with its brothers, and a three-year-old child tries to get attention. Of course, suppressing aggression does not get rid of the passions that provoke it; aggression simply turns into hidden, passive forms. Transforming people are likely to find that skillfully managing aggression brings a lot of pleasure because it also releases dreams. We finally realize our desires, boldly strive for them and reap the fruits of our actions.
Set boundaries
Nice people have a hard time setting personal boundaries, because there is always a risk of offending someone by the fact of their existence. It will take conscious effort in the beginning, but the results will be worth it. Weak boundaries kill relationships and create distrust and disrespect in others. Strong boundaries give you a sense of security and attract other people. If someone tells us that they don't want to be called before nine in the morning, we can trust that information and feel grateful that such a wish was expressed. For contrast, imagine that when asked if we are calling too early, we hear “No problem,” but the tone of voice makes it clear that there is
. They try to be “nice” with us, but this is not particularly pleasant, and at the same time we lose respect for the interlocutor.
Get rid of illusions
The practice of getting rid of illusions will help people who have embarked on the path of transformation to part with magical fantasies and the expectation of a tragic end, and also see others as they are. Free from illusions, a person will be able to experience more fulfilling intimacy, better sex, and genuine joy in relationships. The basis for creating an ideal is the belief that serving an idol will bring happiness and satisfaction.
Of course, this is far from reality. In this case, there is no and cannot be true love or destiny sent by heaven. No real person can make us whole. This is a task for ourselves. Of course, we will have other people help us along the way—friends, lovers, spouses, therapists, teachers, and mentors—but the task of meeting our own needs lies with us. This truth is difficult to accept. At first we resist her by calling on habitual thoughts: “If I am nice enough, she will give me everything I need.” We must remind ourselves again and again that no one person can fill the void in our heart.
Don't be afraid of your dark side
Nice people diligently hide their dark side. The problem is not that the dark side is bad, but that we hate it. Interestingly, the process of studying the dark side awakens exactly those qualities that we want to develop in ourselves. Considering and accepting vindictiveness, weakness and anxiety develops forgiveness, strength and calm. Instead of hating their dark side, transforming people understand where it comes from: it is the place in the soul that has suffered the most. This pain needs care, like a small child who has hit himself and wants to be caressed, distracted, played with, joked with, in short, to be loved. When we become able to have compassion for our dark side, transformation accelerates.
Much in our life depends on the people around us, their opinions, assessments, encouragement or blame. A person can move mountains if he is praised, or withdraw into himself when he hears negative feedback addressed to him. If a person whose opinion is important to us expresses dissatisfaction, then our sense of self can suddenly change to negative. The dress, which seemed chic, after my husband’s critical assessment, I want to immediately return it to the store. The long-awaited new car no longer seems like such a good purchase after criticism from a colleague. However, the point is not your inability to make good choices, but your dependence on someone else's assessment. Anyone has the right to express their opinion, but this does not mean that it objectively assesses your situation, and therefore you should learn to listen to it, but not depend on it. We offer you some practical tips on how to leave aside the opinions of others and not take them personally, so as not to spoil your life.
CAUSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF DEPENDENCE ON OTHER OPINIONS
In childhood, parents decide absolutely everything for the child. Without taking into account the baby's opinion, they choose food, clothes, toys. Despite the fact that even a baby has his own preferences. For example, some children like fruit puree, while others prefer vegetable puree. Parents often criticize their child’s friends and, pointing out their shortcomings, demand that they stop communicating.
They can also force their son or daughter to become friends with certain children: “Mashenka from the second entrance is a good student and dances. You need to meet her." Under the influence of such pressure, the child becomes secretive. He doesn't tell anyone about his experiences because he is afraid of hearing criticism and disapproval. But in adolescence, he openly conflicts with his parents, trying to defend his own opinion. Of course, adults can be understood, because they wish only the best for the child.
However, pursuing good intentions, many parents impose their personal opinion on their children as the only correct one. First, they buy things to suit their taste, then they find the “right” friends, choose a prestigious university and, in their opinion, a suitable life partner. At the same time, parents do not think that a person who is dependent on others for everything is a potential loser.
After all, friends once imposed may turn out to be dishonest people. A specialty obtained at a prestigious university does not arouse interest. The person has no desire to work in his profession. And the excellent student Mashenka, the one that her parents liked, turned out to be a caring wife, but absolutely not the woman with whom she would like to live her whole life.
Such a person is unhappy and not satisfied with the current situation. At the same time, he cannot change anything, because he depends on the opinions of others and does not know how to live with his own mind. In addition to parents, friends are also able to impose their hobbies and behavior. They advise buying things in certain stores, purchasing the same car and choosing resorts where they themselves once vacationed. Colleagues at work may begin to evaluate professional qualities and even make comments about appearance.
How does this type of addiction affect a person’s life:
- Loss of self
. One gets the impression that others are putting pressure on and suppressing the individual’s personal opinion. Under such influence, one loses the ability to independently build one’s life and make decisions on one issue or another. - The need for external assessment
. Such people need comments and approval of their actions. Different reactions are regarded as guidance on the right path. A person who has such an addiction is influenced by absolutely everyone around him. - The indisputable opinion of parents
. A child, for whom even in childhood his parents always made decisions, already in adulthood often depends on their opinion. Such people remain attached to the assessment from their relatives and are unable to contradict them, although they have the opposite view. Such attachment may result in the inability to exist independently. - Inability to defend one's position
. If in childhood the child was constantly subjected to pressure from peers or elders, as an adult he will not be able to lead a discussion. He will no longer have the desire to prove his point of view. It will be easier for him to agree and relegate his opinion to the background. - The desire to be like everyone else
. A person with a similar position is afraid to stand out from the crowd and tries to live according to the principles of the herd. It is always important for such people to know that they are not worse than others, but like everyone else. - Avoidance of responsibility
. Individuals who have these qualities are capable of deception; they cannot be relied upon, because they avoid responsibility in every possible way. A person who avoids solving serious issues is not welcome in the work team.
With the advent of the Internet
dependence on other people's opinions is clearly demonstrated on social networks. People post photos of various topics on their pages: weddings, babies, travel, gym, food, shopping, pets. All this so that others can see what a rich life a person has.
It gets to the point of absurdity when photos of breakfasts, lunches and dinners are posted on social networks. Photos can be accompanied by comments: “My morning yummy” or “Delicious shrimp for dinner.” People expect approval, reciprocal comments and, of course, likes from others.
They constantly visit the page to check who else has liked their post and rejoice like children after reading positive statements from friends. Such people are haunted by the thought: “What will my friends say if I post a photo of my new car?” or “Let everyone see our wedding.” A person wants to assert himself, show his importance, and misses the moment when he becomes painfully dependent on other people’s opinions.
Reasons for dependence on outside opinions:
- Weak character
. People with this trait are easily influenced from outside. - A person driven by his essence
. Such individuals avoid responsibility and are unable to make decisions on their own. - Bad experience
. Appears in childhood, when parents suppressed the child’s initiative to do something on his own. With age, the need to manage your life disappears, and this feature is transferred to the shoulders of friends or relatives. - Low self-esteem
. This quality does not make it possible to defend one’s interests, but, on the contrary, forces a person to withdraw so as not to provoke outside condemnation. - Lack of love in childhood
. In adult life, an individual longs to attract attention to himself, begging approval or condemnation from strangers. These actions help him feel that he is not an empty place. - Created stereotypes
. If a child is praised for all his actions (eating, waking up, going to the toilet, etc.), he lives in fear of doing something wrong and therefore is always guided by other people’s advice.
People are born into a world with established principles and moral standards. The whole future life is about conforming to society. But some people believe that someone else’s opinion will set them on the right path and help them not get out of line. This kind of dependence can ultimately lead to loss of individuality and the inability to make decisions independently.
Thus, a person subject to the influence of others changes his behavior in order to please others. Such changes contradict internal beliefs. However, a person is much more worried about what colleagues will say, what friends will think and how parents will react.
The limits of someone else's opinion
Parents' grades, grades at school and value judgments in general create an artificial necessity in us from childhood and, what is more terrible, dependence on public opinion.
“If in childhood a person has not formed his own solid “I”, he has nothing to rely on, and he begins to look for support in the eyes of others. In their assessments and opinions about him and his thoughts, ideas and actions,” explains Roman Kirichenko.
Every opinion heard sows the seed of doubt in one’s abilities. Worrying about the opinions of others reduces self-confidence, and this leads to a number of unpleasant factors.
HOW TO GET RID OF ADDICTION?
Simple enough. You need to understand yourself, understand the individual reasons for such painful dependence on other people’s opinions.
And a simple exercise will help with this, specially designed in order to separate what you really need from what was imposed on you, and you are dragging along obediently - like someone else’s baggage.
This exercise is simple, but, like everything simple, it is brilliant. Try it and you will be surprised at the results. To perform this exercise, teamwork in group psychotraining is not required; it is performed alone.
All you need is a blank sheet of paper, a pen and an hour of free time. So…
Divide the sheet with two vertical lines into three columns, and then divide this sheet with horizontal lines into lines - as many lines as you like.
The first (left) column will be called " Real Self"
.
The second (middle) column is “ Ideal Self”
.
The third (right) column will be called “ Why
?” »
Real and ideal self
After thinking, make a numbered list of those qualities and characteristics of yours that you consider to be shortcomings. For example: “I have 6 extra pounds” or “I’m afraid to speak in front of people,” etc.
Once you've made your list in the left column, take each statement and restate it as if you were continuing with the following phrase: "Ideally, I..."
and then you will get something like this: Ideally, I weigh 70 kg! Or: Ideally, I would be happy to speak in front of a full hall and inspire people to perform great deeds!
Look at what happened. You see, the results of this exercise reveal your goals and desires. Realistic goals or unrealistic ones? Yours or not yours? In order to accurately answer these questions, you need to fill out the third column “Why?”
