How to talk to assholes: Instructions from a famous psychiatrist

Don't feel guilty

It happens that we suddenly realize that we are suffering in a relationship with an irrational person simply because we do not want to ruin ourselves in our own eyes. We are too scared to admit that bad thoughts like “I hate you and want you to disappear” or “I wish you would die sooner - otherwise I will die” have long been wandering around in our heads. It is important to realize that the mere presence of such thoughts is normal and does not make you bad, but it is a sign that it is time to stop communicating with an irrational person.

Don't even think about continuing the relationship - just leave. It is quite possible that the person will try to get you back. In this case, use the following principles:

- Don't react. Don't allow yourself to think that this person's problems are your responsibility or the result of your mistakes. Repeat to yourself: “This is his point of view, his problem, his responsibility.” - Don’t take risks. Don't give this person any chance to twist your words and make you guilty or responsible for the situation.

- Do not resuscitate. Do not allow situations in which a person would try to revive your relationship and begin to manipulate you again. Once you start using these principles, follow through. At first, the irrational person will likely try to get you back into the relationship, but if you don't give in, he will eventually move on to another victim.

Personality disorder test

A quick way to recognize a person suffering from a personality disorder, and it’s easy to use even on a date or when applying for a job. Ask your partner what has irritated, upset, or disappointed him in the past, and try to understand who he thinks is to blame.

Does he say something like: “I shouldn’t have given up painting”? Or does he formulate it differently: “I wanted to be an artist, but neither my parents nor my first wife supported me”? If a person suffers from a personality disorder, he will probably begin to blame others - and it will become clear to you that the relationship is not worth continuing.

Six Main Types of People with Personality Disorders

Hysterical: people of this type need increased attention; They don't like it when someone else is in the center. Such people perceive those around them as spectators gathered to watch another drama.

Narcissistic: These people consider themselves the center of the universe. Try to talk to them about your interests or needs - and they will immediately become bored or even angry. They expect special treatment from everyone and don’t even think that they burden others with this.

Dependent: Irrational people sometimes become emotionally dependent, but now I am talking about those who are constantly dependent on others. They need support: they are not able to make a single decision, are not ready to act independently, and are afraid of being left alone.

Paranoid: These people need to constantly know where you are going, when you will return and who you are spending time with. No matter how hard you try to assure them of your loyalty, they are unable to trust.

Borderline: such people live in a state of permanent crisis, constantly afraid that you will leave them or begin to control them. And that’s why they either idealize you or hate you. The best sign that you have someone with borderline disorder is your constant fear of upsetting them and making them angry, because when this happens, they react out of proportion to the problem.

Sociopathic: at first, such people often make a very pleasant impression, but they are not able to sympathize and sympathize, and reproaches of conscience are unfamiliar to them. It seems to them that they have every right to do whatever they want to achieve what they want, they don’t care about your feelings, and they won’t hesitate to hurt you if it benefits them.

How to talk to assholes: Don't talk to psychos if you can help it

Better think about whether you should continue communicating with a person suffering from a personality disorder. Is there any reason to stay in a relationship if this person is capable of draining all your strength? You wouldn’t keep money in a deposit account if the bank stopped charging interest, would you? Surely you will decide to take the money to another bank, where you will be offered reasonable conditions.

The bottom line is this: If you haven't invested too much in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder yet, consider whether it would be wiser to end it altogether. I have to deal with people like that all the time - but that's my job. Unless you have a good enough reason, save yourself.

How to talk to assholes: How to respond to an irrational attack - just be silent

When an irrational person attacks, your first instinct is to hit back. But it won't work. So don't consider this an attack. Change your attitude by stopping and saying to yourself, “This is a great opportunity to exercise self-control.”

Then yell or swear at the other person - silently, not out loud! - using any appropriate words. And then don't do anything. Just take a break. And then think again: “This is a great opportunity to show self-control.”

If the tonsil continues to choke at the bit, you can silently scream at yourself. For example, say something like: “Mark, I don’t give a damn about this self-control, let’s just sweep this damn thing away!” Then take a deep breath and repeat: “This is a great opportunity to exercise self-control.”

By this point, your interlocutor is already waiting for you to go into a defensive position and start screaming, crying or running away. When none of this happens, he will be disarmed. Now look your opponent straight in the eye and say, perplexed, but without anger: “Well, well, well. And what was that?”

Let the other person verbally vent to you one more time. And then say something like this: “I can’t say that I like your tone, but I still don’t want to miss anything: what exactly are you trying to convey to me?” “Not your best performance, but tell me what you want me to do or stop doing so that this conversation doesn’t happen again?”

At a certain point, if you maintain your composure, your interlocutor will understand that wild bucking no longer works. Now you can move the conversation to a more positive direction. Even if you don't get to talk to the crazy person on that particular day, you will be proud of your behavior.

How to talk to assholes: How to recover after the victory of a madman - apologize

If a conversation with a crazy person doesn't go according to plan and you lose control, it's possible that you'll say or do a lot of hurtful things. If this is the case, you should apologize sincerely.

It's very difficult - and yes, I know it seems completely unfair. Because, from your point of view, the irrational person himself brought you to a breakdown. However, an apology will disarm him and make you feel better. So go up to the person and say, “I would like to apologize for being so vulnerable and sensitive to what you said.”

Most likely, something else interesting will happen. The person may turn to you and say, “I know my actions disappoint you too.” From this moment on, your conversation will turn in a completely different direction. I understand that this behavior seems unfair to you. It’s not you who scream, it’s not you who sobs, it’s not you who says terrible things to others.

Typically, during the confrontation between rational and emotional clients in my office, it turns out that at some point the logical partner, consciously or unconsciously, deeply offended his more sensitive half with coldness, arrogance, reprimand, dismissiveness or mocking ridicule. This means that both parties are guilty and each of them should apologize. And I just ask you to do it first.

Advice from a Psychiatrist

Tips on how to achieve quality, healthy sleep that will help you wake up in the morning full of vital energy:

• Try not to use the bed as a place to sort out problems. Don't watch TV in it. It should be used only for its intended purpose and no more, otherwise in a person’s subconscious it begins to be associated with completely different functions and it will be difficult for you to relax and fall asleep in it;
• Try to minimize the presence of noise that irritates the nervous system, turn off the lights, and avoid temperature changes during sleep. This can be achieved through curtains, ear plugs, air conditioning or an electric blanket. Even small amounts of light from street lights can impair the quality of your sleep. Try to achieve an average temperature in the bedroom, so that it is not too hot, but not too cold;

• Do not drink drinks or water after 8 pm. You will wake up from a heaviness in your bladder and this will disturb your sleep;
• Don't sleep enough during the day. If you really want to relax, then take into account the nuance that sleep should be no earlier than 8 hours after waking up in the morning, and its duration should be at least 25 minutes. If you have problems sleeping at night, try not to sleep during the day at all;
• If you are not used to sleeping without light, then you can sleep in soft lighting;
• Do not smoke cigarettes before bed, it excites the nervous system and can cause awakening at night. Smoking is deceptive. It seems to us that we are calming our nervous system, but exactly the opposite happens;
• Don't take caffeine before bed. It is present in drinks such as tea, soda and coffee. The last dose should be at least 6 hours before bedtime. If you are used to consuming caffeine in very large doses, stopping it will cause migraines and frequent awakenings at night;
• Alcoholic drinks may well help you fall asleep, but the process of metabolizing alcohol and leaving the body begins at night, and you are unlikely to be able to continue healthy sleep. Metabolism causes nightmares and body sweating;
• You can eat lightly before going to bed, but filling your stomach to capacity with heavy food is not recommended. Do not use protein containing products before bed. Choose ones that contain carbohydrates or dairy. Studies have shown that milk contains beneficial tryptophan, which helps in the process of falling asleep. Drink milk and cookies. A great light meal before bed;
• Do not engage in physical activity before going to bed if you are familiar with the phenomenon of insomnia. It's better to do them in the morning or afternoon. Workloads such as gymnastics, running, swimming or brisk walking are suitable;
• You place your pet next to you. This is also fraught with consequences, as it can cause allergies in the body. Itching will keep you from sleeping;
• Sleep hygiene is of utmost importance. It manifests itself in sleep quality indicators. It will help you wake up full of energy and in a good mood. Don't sleep during the day.

There are many forms of sleep disorders. Sometimes people do not seek qualified help from specialists and do not look at this problem very seriously. In fact, insomnia can cause big problems, even accidents. Sleep is an essential component for the body to keep your body in good shape. If any problems occur, contact a specialist immediately.

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Action plan:

1. If someone tells you a story about someone they trusted betraying them, check the facts. If you feel like a split is happening, show your interlocutor that you have figured out his trick. Then talk to him about how to deal with disappointment without falling apart or badmouthing other people.
2. If a similar situation arises in the workplace, save time for everyone involved in the conflict and call the person who answered “no” while the other person is in your office. If possible, put the call on speakerphone. This way you will avoid the game of “broken phone” and quickly determine whether the interlocutor is exaggerating and whether he understood all the facts correctly
3. Ask yourself the question: “How reasonable is the person who told my interlocutor “no”?” If there is even a slight chance that the person is irrational or aggressive, consider it. If not, then you are dealing with a "splitter".
4. Take a break. Then look at the other person with an innocent and surprised look and say: “Before I take a position, maybe you can explain to me why this person answered you “no”? What exactly did you tell him? We both know him, and he usually behaves reasonably. He wouldn’t hurt you for no reason.”
5. At this point, the “splitter” often becomes indignant: “You are both the same. Always take each other's side."

Here’s what I told a family member who was literally paralyzed by the prospect of hearing “no”: “The better you deal with failure, the higher your expectations will be. If the word “no” becomes just a minor nuisance for you, you can dream about anything. But if every rejection knocks you down, your dreams will always be limited.”

A conversation like this requires patience and tact, but by the end of it you will have achieved three goals. First, you will support the side of the person who said no. Secondly, show the “splitter” that you have figured out his game. And thirdly, and most importantly, you will help the “splitter” understand that “no” is not the end of the world. Help a person accept rejection, and he will no longer want to manipulate people to hear “yes.”

Flatter know-it-alls for your own good

All the know-it-alls play tag. Their version of the rules goes like this: I insulted you (by devaluing or humiliating), but you cannot insult me ​​(because my confidence in my own magnificence is unshakable). This game cannot be won, so don't start playing it. Instead, do something the know-it-all doesn't expect: agree that he's incredibly smart. I'm flattered by how well he understands everything. Use the following adjectives: wise, thoughtful, intelligent, brilliant, outstanding. And then say what you want to say: “People would appreciate your intelligence if you didn’t make them hate you.”

This way, your words will match this person’s picture of the world, and the bitter pill will be easier to swallow. If the know-it-all is already in your heart, then such flattery will have to be said reluctantly. But the trick is to focus on the end goal: getting the person to behave better. If you achieve this with flattery, then the game is worth the candle.

What to do before seeing a psychiatrist

There is the opposite type of people who, being very impressionable, are ready to visit all doctors at once, because they are sure of the presence of many pathologies. There is no need to rush here either. Before rushing to a psychiatrist, take a number of actions:

• Try to get enough sleep and spend the weekend in a state of complete peace. Sometimes external factors are very exhausting, a person lives in tension and the situation can be resolved by proper rest and restoration of physical strength
• Get a physical examination to determine the physical causes of your unwellness. For example, hormonal imbalances can cause a similar effect
• Do some introspection, maybe you are just overthinking things. Although in this case such a trait can serve as a sign of neurosis.

If, after completing all the above measures, you still feel unstable and also experience emotional discomfort, then look for a good specialist. Among psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists, there are many half-educated people who, instead of helping, can harm the psyche.

The more you flatter a know-it-all, the less likely it is that he will begin to humiliate you:

1. If you have to work with a know-it-all, determine in which areas he is truly an expert.
2. When you meet him, start with the following information. For example, say: - “You have amazing talent”; - “You are our best designer”; — “Your ideas are fresh and new”; - “You have an excellent sense of color”; - “Your latest presentation is simply great.”
3. Next, explain that the know-it-all's actions are detrimental to him, but do it in such a way that these words reinforce your flattery. For example, say, “Our junior designers can learn so much from you. But when you're sarcastic or cut them off, they withdraw, which means they don't get the potential benefit. I think if you found a way to talk to them as a teacher rather than as a critic, they would learn a lot more from you.”

Always refuse manipulators

Manipulators are a special kind of crazy. Their behavior doesn't work in the long run because most people turn away from them. But it’s very good in the short term, and such people don’t see beyond their own noses.

Manipulators try to turn their problems into yours, and they will succeed in this if you let them. They will squeeze you out emotionally and sometimes financially. And no matter how much you help them, they will come back next week (or even the next day) for you to help with their next problem.

In the book “I Hear Right Through You,” I offered techniques for getting rid of manipulators. Wait until they ask you to do something for them and respond with, “I’ll be happy to help you. Here’s what you can do for me.” This works great with small manipulators, but often fails against real professionals.

In the latter case, you will need a more powerful weapon. I know of two approaches to such manipulators. I call them "firm refusal" and "polite refusal." If you are a soft person by nature, use the second option. But, if you have the courage and are not afraid of confrontation, try with all your might to use the first method.

What is the difference between a psychotherapist and a psychologist?

Many people do not understand the difference between a psychiatrist, psychotherapist and psychologist. In fact, psychology, psychotherapy and psychiatry are three completely different areas:

• A psychologist has nothing to do with medicine at all. You can get a diploma in this specialty at a non-medical university. A psychologist works with people who do not have mental disorders, but require psychological adjustment due to temporary difficulties or difficult life situations.
• A psychotherapist is a doctor who helps mentally ill people. In treatment, a psychotherapist can use pharmacological agents in combination with verbal treatment methods.
• A psychiatrist is a specialist who has complex techniques for influencing the psyche (for example, hypnosis) and uses potent drugs.

Thus, psychiatrists treat patients with severe mental illness, which most often takes place within the walls of a psychoneurological dispensary.

Decisive refusal

Imagine an emotionally dependent manipulator. Let his name be John. John contacts you every day for a week, whining or completely losing his mind and asking or even demanding that you help him solve his problems.

The next time John starts doing this, do the following:

- Let him speak out, blame someone, whine or complain.

- Take a break. - Say: “Well, either everything will be fine, or everything will be bad, or everything will remain the same, or none of the above options.” - Let him vent and whine one more time. (And he will whine because he will be upset that the manipulation did not work.) - Take a break. - Say: “Oh, sorry. Or the answer will be different. And what kind of answer this is, I don’t know.” - Let him complain and whine some more. - Pause. - Say: “I don’t think I can help here. I hope everything works out. I'm sorry but I have to go". “If John wants the last word, don’t resist.” Then say goodbye and leave (or hang up).

Here is the version of a decisive refusal that I use. It is similar to the one above.

I say this: “I see. So what now?

While the person is whining, I remark, “It looks like there is a lot that needs to be done, so it would be nice to start dealing with this early. What will you do first?”

If the whining continues, I answer: “Well, I’ll go, tell you later what you decided to do about it.” After that I calmly leave.

Which is better - traditional or alternative treatment for mental illness?

At an appointment, a psychiatrist is able to identify a mental disorder in a patient without any additional research. The specialist deals with the treatment of various mental disorders and their effect on the patient’s body. His competence also includes drawing up a plan for the prevention of these disorders in the future. A professional doctor is able to identify the following diseases:

• manic or low-grade schizophrenia;
• paranoid disorders;
• depression, suicidal tendencies;
• epileptic seizures;
• alcoholic delirium;
• obsessive phobias, worries;
• hallucinations;
• serious nervous breakdown due to post-traumatic syndrome;
• mental disorders associated with the perception of personality and one’s own body (bulimia, anorexia);
• Alzheimer's disease.

It is necessary to treat these problems as early as possible, that is, in the initial stages. The opinion that turning to a specialist will only harm the patient is fundamentally wrong, because the right of a psychiatrist is to force the patient to undergo involuntary treatment. Fearing that they will end up in a mental hospital, many refuse to visit doctors and turn to traditional healers, magicians and psychics with their problems.

It is impossible to cure mental disorders with folk remedies - this must be remembered once and for all. No conspiracies or prayers will help in the treatment of schizophrenia or manic addiction. You can cope with the disease only with the help of professionals. A conclusion from a psychiatrist at an early stage is not a death sentence, but a real chance to overcome the disease and return to a full life.

Today, all psychiatrists offer their services on an anonymous basis, but even such a service is perceived by patients as something shameful, and therefore contact with specialists is constantly postponed. A visit to the doctor is delayed until the moment when the disease manifests itself in the most terrible way and it is no longer possible to do without medical help.

Many people are of the opinion that a diagnosis from a psychiatrist is a kind of stigma for life. Allegedly, in modern society, people with such a problem are unworthy, “second-class”. This phobia is the result of incorrect attitudes that affect not only the psyche, but also the consciousness. It significantly complicates an already difficult situation: in addition to the pathology that affects mental and mental health, a person is weighed down by the burden of stereotypes and worries about the opinion of society.

The conclusion is this: the longer the patient delays treatment, the more difficult it will be for him to overcome his illness. After all, sooner or later the disease will manifest itself, so turning to a psychiatrist is inevitable. If there is no action, the patient wastes time, risking waiting for his condition to worsen and the onset of unpredictable consequences.

Help the “distorting mirror” earn the approval of its superiors

Nothing deprives directors and managers of the respect of their subordinates more than manipulation by those whom I call “distorting mirrors.” You know who I'm talking about.

Here's what these people do:

- communicate well with senior colleagues;

— ingratiate themselves with their superiors by secretly providing “intelligence”;

- win the love of their superiors by providing personal services, which often benefit the boss himself more than the company;

— setting up more competent colleagues by slandering them;

- manipulated by bosses who have poor understanding of people;

- cope much more successfully with “political games” than with their immediate responsibilities;

- appear more capable to superior colleagues than to peers or subordinates;

- primarily care about their own safety, and not about the needs of others, including the needs of the boss they are courting;

- do not accept accusations or criticism of their actions (or inactions);

- they are afraid of those who demonstrate high results, because their own incompetence is so visible;

- hide their inappropriate and hypocritical behavior by blaming others, apologizing, or minimizing criticism of others;

— nothing stops them when they try to hide their dishonest behavior.

“Distorted mirrors” only appear in those companies that have weak points.

And often the weak point turns out to be a flawed boss, whom such people can easily charm and control. Such bosses often hide any serious shortcomings, and they are afraid that this information will be revealed. Many of them have unmatched charm and charisma, but they lack business acumen. By providing cover and feeding their egos, distorted mirrors make such bosses feel like they are more competent and admirable than they really are.

What can you do if you show excellent results and thereby pose a threat to the “distorting mirror”, which is trying to discredit you with its manipulations? Unfortunately, if the manipulator has already charmed the boss, you are unlikely to change his mind. You have as much chance of turning the situation in your favor as convincing a love-blind parent that their “sweet boy” is lying and stealing.

There is one method based on the fact that the “distorting mirror” has two goals: to flatter the boss and to cover up one’s own incompetence.

The trick here is to help the distorting mirror achieve both goals. However, a warning: do not use this method until you have thought through all the details, including how the situation may turn against you. In particular, evaluate how this will affect your relationships with other colleagues.

You will never make a “distorting mirror” your friend or ally, because you will always be more competent, which means you will always remain a threat. But if you show that you are able to help him achieve his goals, then you will move from the category of enemies to the category of “friends-enemies,” which will make such a person less dangerous.

At an appointment with a psychiatrist

You can see a psychiatrist privately or at the precinct. A referral to a local doctor is issued by any specialist who suspects a patient has a mental disorder. You can also make an appointment for an outpatient psychiatric appointment yourself. The local doctor sees you at a psychoneurological or narcological clinic at your place of residence, in a psychiatric office of a clinic or hospital.

Consultation with a local psychiatrist is free.

A private psychiatrist sees patients in private specialized clinics, of which there are a sufficient number. Here you can find specialists and narrow profiles described above. Private clinics also provide psychiatrist services for psychiatric examinations provided to various authorities.

A consultation with a psychiatrist begins with a conversation. The doctor asks the patient about complaints, lifestyle, communication with friends, relatives and colleagues, assesses the general condition, and, if necessary, communicates with relatives.

For examination, the psychiatric office has a couch, a tonometer, and a phonendoscope. An additional device is a breathalyzer to determine blood alcohol. Using a neurological hammer, the doctor determines the severity of reflexes. A set of aromatic products allows you to assess the level of smell. In addition, the doctor uses special psychological techniques to assess the patient’s mental activity.

After a conversation and examination, the doctor makes a conclusion about the patient’s condition, makes a diagnosis and determines treatment tactics. Prescribes appropriate therapy.

If necessary, for further examination, the psychiatrist gives a referral to the patient for testing. Their list may include:

• EEG;
• rheoencephalography;
• ECG;
• MRI, CT;
• blood and urine tests;
• Ultrasound;
• specific psychiatric studies;
• consultations with other specialists - neurologist, endocrinologist, cardiologist, urologist, therapist, etc.

After consultation, the psychiatrist prescribes outpatient or inpatient treatment to the patient.

When seeking psychiatric help in a private clinic, a person has the opportunity to receive not only a doctor’s consultation, but also undergo an examination. Moreover, today private psychiatric institutions have a wide arsenal of methods with a specific focus. Naturally, here you will receive individual treatment. Some clinics even have an inpatient department.

A psychiatrist also conducts clinical examinations of people suffering from chronic mental illnesses.