3 2148 November 15, 2020 at 10:11 pm Author of the publication: Tatyana Kuzmina, consultant on education abroad
Exhausted. I just wanted your name to no longer reverberate through my whole body, not to carry through the feeling of your hands, not to hold me with a gentle voice on the phone, not to drag me into the abyss again. I wanted to understand how to forget a loved one, to tear him out of my heart. They say time heals. I found a time efficient way.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan showed me how to forget the person you love but cannot be with.
I will share simple steps to salvation with those who are looking for a way to quickly forget the person you love. So that there are no more unhappy women's diaries and tears into the pillow.
Look at things more simply
It’s difficult to start treating negative thoughts with indifference, but it’s possible. Feeling a rush of unpleasant thoughts, abstract yourself. There is a simple psychological technique that will help push away unpleasant experiences. Name your thought with some suitable word, clothe it in an image. For example, it could be a "gray spot" or a "blackbird". Now imagine that your obsession has curled up and is moving away from you. The “thrush” can fly away and the “spot” can dissolve; use your imagination and manipulate the images.
Know that any situation that causes anxiety can be solved in your head. You just have to want it and, as if by magic, your thoughts will fly away in all directions, making room for positivity.
The Roots of Emotional Dependency
Let's see what a relationship with yourself is? Where do they come from?
The child is born. He knows nothing about himself, about the world, or about other people. People close and significant to him treat him somehow.
Growing up, day after day, year after year, the baby absorbs this attitude. What is it like? What is it filled with?
Respect, attention to needs, to manifestations of personality, unconditional acceptance - not for special merits or abilities, but simply for what he is, with the right to weaknesses. Is the child greeted with warmth and consolation in the event of any failure? Or they attack and accuse, they say, it’s your own fault, and even slap you on the head... Do they give permission for such feelings as fear, anger, protest, dissatisfaction with something, including what parents do?
How do you deal with these feelings and their manifestation? Do they pay respectful attention to the child’s experiences, do they understand the reasons, do they take this into account in later life, or do they ignore it and oh, “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” “Why are you angry over trifles,” “Good boys/girls don’t behave like that.”
Does a child need to deserve attention and attitude, or can he be confident in them that they will not be interrupted, he will not be rejected, even if he behaves badly? Are they interested in him and how he lives? Not formally: “How are things at school/kindergarten?”, but, for example, like this: “What made you happy today? What was difficult for you? – that is, they really delve into the child’s inner world.
What do those close to the child think and say about him? Who is he: an intolerable tormentor and a source of problems, a lazy person and a slacker, from whom nothing worthwhile will grow? Or he is a worthy, good person whom you like, who has such and such abilities, he is good at this and that, and if something doesn’t work out, there’s nothing wrong with that.
That he is a person who can like something and not like something, and that’s normal, he has the right to it. Some of your child’s actions may upset you, but this does not make him a bad person.
We are talking about what picture adults help children form about themselves. Is this feedback given to him fairly, respectfully, lovingly and supportively, reflecting what is, not what they want to see in him?
All these nuances of everyday life with a child gradually shape his attitude towards himself as an adult. This attitude can be filled with warmth, attention to yourself and your feelings, acceptance of yourself and your values, living what you like, the ability to cope with difficult feelings, and find the right solutions.
Such a person is alone with himself - as if at home, so he is not alone. And he is protected from emotional dependence, and indeed from any other dependence.
But if he has received very little warmth in his life, does not know what he is like, or considers himself bad, unworthy, ignores himself, his feelings, needs, considers them and himself insignificant - his worldview is filled with coldness and melancholy, he experiences deep loneliness.
Such a person seeks a source of warmth in a relationship with another and, once found, becomes codependent on it. It is on this basis that emotional dependence arises.
Change the channel
When unwanted thoughts surround you, keep positive memories ready. Everyone has events in their memory that evoke pleasant feelings and bright thoughts. By an effort of will, shift your focus to bright pictures of happiness. Remember not only the visual image, recreate the smells and sounds of pleasant events. Develop your thought, enjoy it, feel yourself starting to smile. Make plans about how good it will be to repeat the happy moments of your life.
Give freedom to your imagination, even if the pictures are not entirely realistic. The main thing is that they will take you away from negativity and leave no chance for unwanted memories.
How can codependency manifest itself in life?
For example, codependency can manifest itself in friendship, when one of the friends really needs to feel needed, accepted, recognized. She is ready to do anything for this relationship and really does a lot for her friends, even to the detriment of herself.
In marital or partnership relationships. For example, when a partner says: “What kind of girlfriends, friends? You don’t need anyone because I exist.”
There is fear of losing the relationship, jealousy - “They can be better, she won’t need me, she’ll leave.” Therefore, control is necessary to insure yourself against loss. And the other person goes for it, isolating himself and making himself even more dependent.
Another option. When a partner depends not only on the relationship, but also on the emotional state of his partner. This can be expressed as follows: “I can only rejoice when you rejoice. You don’t have the right to be upset, because then I’ll be upset too.”
A codependent cannot separate his feelings from the feelings of another. A merger takes place. Then the other becomes a tool so that the addict can feel good. When it is a codependent relationship, it is very difficult to get out of this circle.
It is important to understand that emotionally dependent people are always infantile. They have a childish view of the world and there is a feeling that life is only good when only good things happen in it.
They do not know how to withstand something unpleasant, take responsibility, and follow their desires. They have not developed mature mechanisms for dealing with themselves, they do not have a “friend” within themselves.
It also happens that a parent, most often a mother, is in a dependent relationship with her child, making him codependent on himself. A woman hides from her fears and inner loneliness in motherhood.
She needs the child as protection. Without him, she would have to face all this, feel all the pain from which she is running, and then do something else about it, take responsibility for herself and her life, go out into the world: All this is unpleasant for her and difficult. And the child is so small, he is so easy to control.
Such a mother unknowingly infantilizes her child, does not help him grow up and grow stronger, and even prevents him from doing so. She gives her child messages like: “You can’t”, “You can’t do anything”, “You are weak”, “The world is so dangerous”, “I will die without you, because I will be lonely, scared, hurt”, “You You can’t do anything without me,” “No one needs you but me,” etc. A child, without support from a loved one, without support for his abilities, skills, internal qualities, feeling weak and helpless without his mother, is afraid to go out into this world.
In parallel with this, he unknowingly also protects his mother from destruction. Children always meet their parents halfway, even if this means giving up themselves, giving up their own “I”. Such a child grows up unadapted to life. He does not learn to be independent and therefore cannot solve his problems on his own, for example, find a job, make friends, defend his interests, take care of himself in everyday life.
Mom will justify herself: “How can I leave him, how can I leave, he will only eat sandwiches and ruin his stomach, etc.” Or: “I dedicated my whole life to you, you cannot, you have no right to leave me now.”
If an adult child in such a relationship decides to separate, he will face fierce resistance. Mom will appeal to a sense of duty, guilt, and pity. She may even get really sick, but recover very quickly as soon as everything returns to normal.
Few people can survive this, endure their own fears, insecurities and still separate from their parents. Therefore, unfortunately, children who grew up in such conditions often still do not find inner well-being after their parents pass away. They find a partner who performs the same role as their mother, they may move to live with other relatives, or they remain lonely and unhappy.
Touch the negative
Allow unpleasant thoughts to take over you. Let them into your consciousness. Face your fear. This requires some courage, but the result completely justifies the means. It is impossible to endlessly run away from the enemy. After all, only by getting to know our enemy can we defeat him.
If you are tormented by obsessive thoughts about the future, imagine that what you are afraid of has already happened. Imagine it in colors. Feel the situation, accept it. Now realize that life still goes on and you need to live it with dignity. Or maybe you are simply overestimating the consequences? And the apparent catastrophe is just a fly in the ointment?
How to forget a loved one - three simple steps
I'll run away from you, from myself. I can. The main thing is that you don’t catch up. When you hug me, I can't resist. This means I have to run far, but I can’t imagine how to forget love, how to wean myself from the person I love most.
When you rush around and first look for how to forget him, and an hour later - how to return him, it’s unlikely that anything will come of it. With system-vector psychology, I was able to separate my real desires from what had become an obsession, but no longer filled me with joy.
It finally became obvious what kind of relationship I dreamed of and what I could do for it. Finally, I was able to answer my question of how to forget a guy with a specific plan of action:
Step 1: Coping with painful memories.
Step 2. Learn to truly love.
Step 3. Realize the limitless possibility of being happy.
And one more piece of advice—maybe it won’t be useful to everyone, but only to those with a sound vector, but without it I wouldn’t have learned to exist again after a breakup. Put your abstract intellect to work. Otherwise, in the next relationship, you will impose on a man what your own head should do. Read more about this in the article: Sound transfer.
Why exactly these actions are instructions for a girl on how to forget her ex? The answers, clear and understandable, came to me at the System-Vector Psychology training by Yuri Burlan and pulled me out of the clutches of unhappy love.
How to forget a loved one after a breakup - readiness to reboot
Do you really want me to let you go?
I held on to my past love like claws. I thought I knew how everything worked in a relationship. I could advise many on how to love and how to forget the ex-boyfriend you love. The psychology of my own actions turned out to be a mystery when I personally found myself in a dead end. I couldn’t give myself an intelligible answer on how to be in a cold, lonely world without him, how to forget him and let go.
After all, you are the only one to whom I confessed my love! How to leave the man you love? When you can’t control yourself, how can you forget the person you love? Psychology is needed here, or maybe something else that would give me a recipe for how to forget the guy I like.
Features of the psyche that do not allow you to forget
If you fall in love, then forever. The owner of the anal vector is for constancy. Her psyche is comfortable in familiar conditions with people she has known for a long time in predictable circumstances. So with all my being I wanted eternal love, so that I wouldn’t have to get used to a person again. I was ashamed to even imagine that one day I would be able to confess to someone else a feeling that had already been given to the very first one.
I still love him, I strive like a small pin to a big magnet. How to forget when remembering you is the only thing that makes you happy now?
A girl with an anal vector is more comfortable in the past than in the present. What happened had a special charm for her. And the future uncertainty makes you feel sick. This is why it is so difficult for psychologically inflexible hostages of the first experience to get out of past relationships. But there is a reliable way to reconfigure yourself.
How to stop loving a man? I was able not to suffer and let go of my ex-boyfriend, using my memory not to harm myself, but to benefit others. System-vector psychology allowed me to realize that I can do much more than just replay moments from the past in my head and drown deeper and deeper in the quagmire of memories.
There is no need to fight the natural qualities of the anal vector.
Excellent memory, the value of the past, attention to detail are not given to us so that we get stuck in the past. It is worth using them for their intended purpose - for the benefit of society:
- learn, become a professional in your field,
- transfer important knowledge to others.
I immersed myself in interesting work, the properties of my memory began to work in the right direction, and I was finally freed from the painful memories that were ruining my life. I remember what connected us with him, but it is no longer clouded by grievances, but filled with bright gratitude for pleasant moments. With such support, you can move further on the path to happiness.
Learn to relax
Learn deep relaxation techniques. Do yoga or meditation. These popular methods are very effective in solving problems, both on the physical and mental levels.
Once you learn to relax your body and let go of your mind, you will soon feel significant relief. In addition to the relief effect, you will receive a tool to control and manage your emotions. Turn on the meditation mechanism as soon as you feel the need, and bad thoughts will not have any chance.
How psychologists get rid of stress: 17 methods tested by professionals
I've always wondered who gets their teeth treated by dentists and who gets their hair cut/colored by hairdressers. That is, it is clear that both of them do this with their colleagues. Their selection criteria were interesting. I was especially interested in who has the most professional dentist treating their teeth? It's the same story with psychologists. The psychology of communication also has advice.
But if psychologists all take turns complaining to each other, they will never get the desired relief from stress, because it turns out to be a vicious circle. How do they get rid of this sticky and unpleasant condition? Seventeen ways from seventeen professionals!
Physical
Tony Bernhard prefers to relax using physical methods by stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system (the part of the autonomic nervous system in which the nerve ganglia are located directly in or near the organs). There are several ways to do this, such as breathing from your diaphragm.
Tony's favorite method is to lightly rub one or two fingers over the lips. Parasympathetic fibers are scattered over the surface of the lips, so touching them stimulates the nervous system. This small gesture helps to achieve an immediate sense of calm in the mind and body.
Sofia Dembling prefers walks in the fresh air. Natural light has an incredibly calming effect on her. She does this in almost any weather - sun, clouds, snow, light rain. The only thing that can stop her is heavy rain. During walks, she tries to tune in to being present here and now, observing what is happening around her - the shape of clouds, the rustling of a tree, mowing the lawn, children on the playground. This meditation walk helps you come to your senses and relieve excess stress.
Mindy Greenstein prefers deep breathing and an old Jewish saying that she repeats like a mantra:
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust the sails.
In any stressful situation, at the very beginning, take a few deep breaths and repeat that you cannot control absolutely everything, but at least you can control yourself and your reaction.
L. Kevin Chapman believes that the most effective tool for combating stress and anxiety is the method of progressive muscle relaxation (MPR) . It is excellent in combating physical symptoms associated with chronic anxiety and many other physiological symptoms (such as gastrointestinal distress).
What is progressive muscle relaxation? This technique was developed by the American scientist and physician Edmund Jacobson back in the 20s of the last century. It is based on a very simple principle - after any tension, the muscle relaxes. That is, in order to completely relax, you need to tense all your muscles.
Dr. Jacobson and his followers recommend tensing the muscle strongly for 5-10 seconds, and then focusing on the feeling of relaxation that arises in it for 15-20 seconds.
The doctor developed about 200 exercises for all muscle groups (including the smallest), but the modern trend uses only 16 muscle groups. I think we'll look at this method in more detail in a separate article.
Interpersonal
Susan Newman believes that the most effective method of relieving stress is talking with friends. But only with those who truly wholeheartedly share her interests and experiences. They will always listen and support. And sometimes they can offer really interesting options to combat the cause of stress.
Behavioral
Barbara Markway advises not to rush into problem-solving mode right away. Whenever you feel the need to act faster, it's a sure sign that you need to slow down and think carefully.
Lynn Soraya believes that you need to learn to sit quietly and listen to your inner feelings. This helps you get to know yourself better. Knowing yourself is the first step to managing yourself and your stress.
Amy Przeworski advises always making time for yourself. During this period of time, you can do only what you want, and not what your job, family, friends or sense of duty requires of you. This will help reduce stress, increase productivity, and increase feelings of happiness and contentment.
Nancy Rappaport . When you're at your limit, you push yourself even harder instead of recognizing that you're running out of energy and doing the opposite - giving yourself a rest.
Again, Tony Bernhard recommends slowing down by 25% of whatever you're currently doing if you feel like you're not doing well.
Whether you're cleaning the house, surfing the Internet, or running errands, slow down your pace as if you were moving like in slow motion videos. And you will feel the stress slipping away from your body and mind.
Stephanie Sarkis advises relieving stress through exercise and trying to periodically introduce new elements to diversify your activities.
Art Markman believes that music is a great tool for dealing with stress. Put on some headphones and listen to music that will help you mentally transport yourself to another, more pleasant place. And if you have the opportunity, learn to play a musical instrument and include it in your list of exercises to combat stress.
I think this is a great chance for those who have always dreamed of learning to play something, but still could not allocate the time and money for it. Now you even have a special excuse that will help calm your conscience and toad - you spend money not on stupid things, but on your health. The doctor ordered you to play the piano instead of playing on the nerves of others 
Cognitive
Meg Selig's method consists of several steps. The first of these is identifying the source of stress. That is, is the source of stress yourself or was it caused by external stimuli? If stress is caused by an external situation, she tries to talk to others about the help she needs. If that doesn't work, then she sets boundaries.
If it turns out that she herself is the source of stress and she herself painted this dramatic picture in her head, then she tries to talk to herself and sympathize with herself in this internal conversation. Meg finds that the more compassion she surrounds her negative thoughts and emotions, the easier it is for her to then let them go and move on.
Susan Krauss Witbourn believes that even if you can't change the situation that's causing you stress, you can change how you react to it. Even in the most unfavorable situation at first glance, you can find something positive and even funny. You can look at it as a new challenge through which you gain new experiences and learn from your mistakes.
Fran Vertue believes that we should always remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can under the circumstances to solve a problem. And he advises practicing flexibility in decision making so that you can take advantage of opportunities for change.
MJ Formica reminds us that there is only the here and now. If you fill your cup with regrets about the past and worries about the future, you simply won't have room for anything else. You end up robbing yourself of the joy in every breath you are blessed with. Empty your thicket - if you are safe at the moment, nothing can harm you until you allow it.
Scott McGreal relieves stress by focusing on his surroundings. For example, he can concentrate on the surrounding colors and shapes of objects that currently surround him. This helps to switch attention from “hot thoughts” and cool down a little.
Alice Boyce tries to catch herself in rumination mode. Rumination in a bad mood prevents you from making the right decisions. People believe that rethinking the situation will ultimately lead to a solution to the problem. But actually it is not.
If you find yourself immersed in painful thoughts about your difficult fate and why life is so unfair, stop thinking and switch to something else.
For example, take a walk in the park, chat with a friend, or do a couple of laps around the stadium. The latter helps a lot to get rid of negativity - tested in practice!
Set a goal
No matter what thoughts overwhelm you, turn on the ultimate task in your mind. Set yourself a goal to lose weight or speak Italian. Or maybe you want to finally start drawing or attend a dance school? The main thing is to devote yourself completely to it and spare no time and effort to achieve it.
Occupy your time so that even at night your brain solves pressing problems. Honestly promise yourself to achieve the highest results and resolutely go to the top.
Remember that the more you invest in a new business, the greater the result you will get at the end.
How to cheer up
You can get serotonin from food, but not in its pure form. High concentrations of tryptophan are found in bananas, chocolate, figs and dates. This amino acid is the building material from which the body receives the hormone serotonin, which is beneficial for well-being. Interestingly, raising your mood is not directly proportional to the amount eaten, since the process of releasing the hormone is quite complex. You can only hope for an immediate positive result, but it’s better to just stay in shape and eat the right foods regularly.
A more accessible way to increase serotonin levels is to stay in sunlight.
It turns out that a person’s mood really depends on the weather. Bright sunlight quickly drives away depressive thoughts, and the result can be obtained even with artificial lighting. It is enough to add several light sources in the room and your mood will noticeably improve.
The automatic appearance of feelings of guilt or shame occurs with regular slouching. A bent back indicates dissatisfaction and fatigue, so serotonin is produced reluctantly. To improve your mood completely free of charge, all you need to do is control your posture. A straight back will not only help the body produce hormones, but also increase self-esteem.
What else does your mood depend on? Many athletes feel euphoric after training and associate this with their own achievement of certain goals. In fact, any physical activity helps to increase the production of serotonin, and achieving a certain goal provokes an even greater surge of the hormone as a reward to the body. Thus, for a good mood, it is enough to devote at least half an hour a day to physical exercise. If you don’t have time for this, you can simply walk instead of traveling in stuffy public transport. It is important to supplement all this with good sleep, since it is when the brain is resting that the greatest production of “happiness hormones” occurs during the day.
Listening to your favorite music, doing what you love and other pleasant moments in life only improve your well-being. It is important to remember that the production of serotonin accelerates in direct proportion to the presence of a good mood, therefore, to improve your mood in the future, you need to have a positive attitude towards everything in the present.
Analyze
Answer yourself honestly: are there real reasons for anxiety? Or are your thoughts a figment of your imagination? Take time and analyze your thoughts. Perhaps your past experience or excessive impressionability is preventing you from living a peaceful life.
Write down all your experiences, separate them into imagined and real ones. Next to each real fear, write down what you can do to overcome it. If it’s difficult to figure it out on your own, then be sure to hire a good psychologist to solve your problem.
Why is it bad to be codependent?
Emotional dependence, like any other, makes a person unfree. He does not know how to deal with his deficits on his own. Therefore, he needs another person to compensate for his vulnerabilities. All his strength, energy, and spiritual aspirations are subordinated to the preservation of relationships, the value of which is enormous and subjectively exaggerated.
A codependent person will adapt to another, giving up something of their own if it interferes with their relationship. All attention is focused on the other, everything “good” is connected and possible only with him.
In parallel with this, the dependent person will experience a huge fear of losing this relationship, because it seems to him that his whole life depends on it. Therefore, there may be a desire to control another, and jealousy may arise.
This turns into a vicious circle: withdrawing from oneself in order to preserve and protect the relationship; fear of losing this relationship and even greater withdrawal from oneself.
All this causes great suffering, but a person cannot refuse such a relationship. Emotional dependence creates the danger of abuse when another manipulates a person, pulling certain “strings”, dosing out the warmth of the relationship that the addict so needs. Often this happens on an unconscious level. Both can have emotional dependence. Then we are talking about codependent relationships.
Unload your psyche
Train yourself to maintain a sleep-wake schedule. Be sure to visit the gym or pool. Walk every day. Adequate rest will help you regain health not only of your body, but also of your soul. After all, it will take a lot of strength to fight the blues and negativity.
Start spending time on your health and nutrition. Eat foods that improve your mood and tone your body. Nuts, dark chocolate, greens and sea fish, as well as citrus fruits will help you fight bad mood.
Psychologists say that any negative thought born of our consciousness has a reason. Only by understanding yourself can you open the treasured door behind which lies a happy life.
How to break the vicious circle?
This is the bleak picture of inner life that appears before us when we are faced with emotional dependence. A natural question arises: what to do?
It must be said that it is extremely rare that a person manages to get out of a codependent relationship on his own, without outside help. Because we need a mediator, someone from whom the addict will receive the warmth of the relationship, support, acceptance in this difficult transition period, when he will move away from the dependent relationship and receive less warmth and comfort there, but inside him they have not yet matured, have not strengthened those structures on which he could rely.
Very often this mediator is a psychologist. Consultation with a psychologist is quite possible over the Internet. But it can also be a priest, a good friend, a teacher in the broad sense.
It is important that this person helps the codependent turn his gaze from the object of dependence to himself. So that a person begins to establish a relationship with himself. I learned and, in the end, could give myself warmth, intimacy, acceptance, support, care, attention, respect. So that he can see the world as good, loving him, even if not all desires are fulfilled and not everything goes smoothly.
The process of internal maturation is long and can take several years. The following attitude often prevents you from taking this path: it is more pleasant to receive something good from others than to create it for yourself. Therefore, a codependent may not want and even resist learning to be independent.
How can you help yourself with this? Imagine that such autonomy has advantages. After all, we know best what exactly we need and at what moment we need it.
Who is always with us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Nobody. Only ourselves. Therefore, even just to be on the safe side, it’s a good idea to create another source of good relationships – with yourself.
Psychologist Yulia Vorobyova
