Jealousy is always considered proof of love. And many women are warmed by the fact that a man is jealous of others. Some even deliberately create various reasons for this in order to test the feelings of their betrothed. But is this always justified?
Is male jealousy one hundred percent confirmation of love? Or can it occur for other reasons? It is necessary to understand where the roots of this problem come from.
Pathological jealousy in men and women
Slight jealousy on the part of a partner is, one might say, even pleasant, because in this way love and interest in a person is shown.
But what to do if a sense of ownership overshadows common sense, fills all thoughts and prevents you from sleeping peacefully?
Pathological jealousy, both in men and women, is no joke. Her treatment is not carried out by a simple family psychologist, but by a psychiatrist.
During therapy, the specialist assesses the danger of a pathological jealous person to others; in some cases, the person even needs to be protected from society so that he does not harm anyone. Some psychiatrists equate morbid jealousy with paranoia and even schizophrenia.
Pathological jealousy: signs
Unbridled pathological jealousy still more often manifests itself in men, and because of it, in turn, women suffer. The women's club komy-za30.ru will tell you how to recognize a pathological jealous person:
- A person's jealousy has no real basis;
- A person has an obsession that his partner(s) is unfaithful to him;
- A jealous person tries to constantly control his partner - calls every five minutes, “regulates” meetings with friends, etc.;
- A jealous man forces his girlfriend/wife to wear “puritanical” clothes, not to use makeup, not to wear high-heeled shoes, etc.;
- A jealous person has an obsessive idea that his girlfriend/wife is trying to infect him with a sexually transmitted disease, poison him, deprive him of sexual abilities or inflict other injuries;
- A person can conduct surveillance and secret surveillance of his significant other, trying to catch him cheating;
- The behavior and mood of the “patient” varies depending on the situation, but he is characterized by outbursts of anger, aggression, even assault, which is why such very strong jealousy can be dangerous for others.
WHO classifies the state of morbid jealousy as a mental disorder.
In addition to the listed signs of this disease, depending on each individual case, it can result in a variety of manifestations.
What is Jealousy?
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Jealousy is a personality trait that manifests itself in one’s own, suspicious, obsessive opinion that someone is better and happier than you. This is the inability to love, distrust, suspicion, painful doubt about someone's love or fidelity.
Jealousy is actual ignorance of what love is and begging for Love for oneself. It's a disease.
Causes of the disease: fear and fear of the superiority of another person or a feeling of uncompetitiveness, Fear of losing power by losing it to a competitor, the desire to completely control another person, an emotional sense of possessiveness, enhanced by selfishness, disrespect for other people’s choices, a reaction to one’s own imperfection and inferiority, low self-esteem, uncertainty in your own strength. Jealousy is a Passion more similar to hatred than to love. The best way to curb her is to never meet her and never provoke her. Many people believe that you can flirt with jealousy a little, they say, a little jealousy only kindles the fire of love. Jealousy is such an uncontrollable, explosive personality trait that it would be complete madness and recklessness to experiment with it. Jealousy is a debilitating, dangerous disease; it exhausts the soul and destroys the body. Some experience it internally, do not sleep at night, suffer silently and waste away, become drunkards, others – violently, even to the point of assault and murder.
In the words of Shakespeare, jealousy is “a monster with green eyes that mocks its prey.”
Jealousy, if it is already raging, turns, no matter how hard you try, into an invincible vice. No arguments or reasons work with jealousy. Strong-willed and strong individuals are able to tame fear and despondency, they can defeat enemies, but when faced with jealousy, they realize that victory over it means one thing - cutting out your own heart. That's where she lives.
Without destroying its refuge, you will not find peace and oblivion. When you hear a loved one secretly talking to someone in a low voice at night, you immediately understand where the jealousy lies. Jealousy is very similar to Envy . If a loved one is happier than me, there is reason for jealousy.
There is a false stereotype: “He is jealous, which means he loves.” St. Augustine, many centuries ago, proclaimed the thesis: “He who is not jealous does not love.” In fact, there is as much love in jealousy as in an empty wallet of coins. Jealousy is a burning desire to be loved or fear of losing love, and, accordingly, power over a loving person. S. Bouffler said harshly: “Jealousy is the sister of love, just as the devil is the brother of an angel.” Jealousy is not evidence of Love, it is evidence of fear of one’s competitiveness and a form of selfish encroachment on another person as one’s property.
The different nature of male and female jealousy.
Male and female jealousy fully corresponds to their different natures. A man is jealous of a woman about the past, and a woman is jealous of the future owners of the object of jealousy. After a divorce, a man, as a rule, completely loses interest in who his ex-wife is dating. For a woman, even after a divorce, he will remain her husband for a long time, and she will not care who he lives with.
If the weaker sex is ready to bully men with jealousy for years, turning the existence of the “suspect” into a living hell, then the jealousy of the stronger sex is spontaneous. It appears instantly and can also suddenly subside. Often the cause of female jealousy is the fear of losing the “breadwinner”, the fear that everything will go to a rival, the fear of loneliness, the fear of losing the status of a wife. A man, when jealous, usually does not think about why he was relegated to the background. For him, the very fact of betrayal is important. The woman is extremely interested in why her opponent turned out to be better than her. In case of betrayal, the man immediately blames the woman, while a woman in such a situation often blames herself or her competitor. Unlike women, men are more susceptible to illusory jealousy.
Nothing can compare in destructive power to jealousy arising from sexual attachment. Relationships between people love distance. Only warm relationships that last for half a century or more are useful between spouses. Hot relationships based on attention only to the lower centers can burn out passion in a month. At the same time, passion will not turn into Love and if there is no unity of interests, there will be nothing to talk about. Cold relationships are also unacceptable. In a word, relationships resemble the behavior of a person around a winter fire: if you come close, it’s hot, if you move away, it’s cold.
What is Loyalty?
What is love?
What is Hatred?
How not to marry a pathological jealous person?
Of course, it is best to prevent a situation in life when you have to fight with a person who is pathologically, very jealous.
In order to avoid becoming the wife of such a husband, even at the beginning of a relationship, you need to try to “see through” unhealthy behavior.
Pay attention to the “habits” of the young man. If the signs described above somehow appear in them, run away from him, nullify any communication. Believe the experience of many, many women who have encountered pathological jealous people, such people do not change!
Psychologists say the same thing.
My husband is very jealous: can this be treated?
According to many psychologists and psychiatrists, the answer to this question is no.
Unfortunately, there are no official statistics on what percentage of men are pathologically jealous, but experts in this profile claim that such cases occur quite often in their practice. Here is what psychologist Irina K. writes about the treatment of pathological jealousy:
- “The choice of therapeutic measures to eliminate pathological jealousy directly depends on what psychological disorder is identified along with it. As for treatment with medications, antidepressants and sedatives (sedatives) are most often used. As for psychotherapy, group and individual sessions are conducted to correct the perception of the essence of things. It is extremely difficult to treat pathological jealousy, since the jealous person most often does not recognize his pathology, and also does not trust others, including the psychologist.”
Based on this, the husband’s pathological jealousy, no matter how much one would like to eliminate it, is practically not corrected and most often leads to divorce.
What does jealousy of a loved one mean?
Some women believe that a husband’s pathological jealousy is a sign of love, but with the “presence” of a feeling of self-doubt, which gives rise to his doubts and fears, which subsequently leads to discord in the relationship. However, this opinion is false; it does not fully coincide with the harsh reality. As a rule, the reality turns out to be much simpler: your husband, on a subconscious level, perceives you as something that belongs entirely and forever to him alone; and this feeling is not at all a criterion for the manifestation of such a feeling as love.
In order to analyze the existing problem in more detail, it is worth clarifying what love is. Undoubtedly, humanity will never create an accurate definition of this phenomenon. But still, one cannot but agree that a loving person will never tire of cherishing what he gravitates towards spiritually. Tenderness, affection, care, care, complete dedication and understanding.
Next, let's think about what we experience when we are driven by jealousy? This is definitely a negatively colored feeling, which initially, indeed, arises as a sign of self-doubt. Then a violent imagination and unrealized fantasy are triggered, which begins to draw terrible pictures in the head with the participation of its other half. On this “canvas of depravity”, your loved one gives all the warmth and care not to you, but to someone else. This gives rise to wild rage inside, a feeling of vulnerability and acute pain, which becomes the impetus for hysterics and showdowns. It is here that we should pause and pay attention to the last sentence, because from this moment the feeling of love fades into the tenth plane for the jealous person, and only one problem seems visible in the head: “what was mine, quite likely, will soon cease to be so. It's a mess! that is, from a theoretical point of view, a jealous person is not necessarily a 100% egoist and tyrant who does not love you. Perhaps he lost the thread of control over his emotions, and at that moment he stepped beyond the threshold of adequate behavior. So what should you, the object of suspicion, do at this moment?
Excellent advice in such a situation would be the phrase “calm, just calm!” when repelling attacks from a person who is emotional, you must understand that responding with anger to anger is useless and stupid, this behavior will lead to disastrous consequences, where both of you will be to blame. Therefore, your task is to try to reassure your loved one, bring him to his senses, rationally explain your behavior, giving convincing arguments in favor of absolute fidelity and devotion. Ignore the shouting and possibly insults directed at you. Agree, each of us has sinned with this at least once in our lives, and therefore we should not take such scenes painfully and seriously.
After arguing for a while and noticing that you do not react to provocations, and your evidence looks quite convincing, your loved one will calm down and feel guilty. After all, you did not answer him with the same screams, but behaved quite adequately. At this moment the fun begins. A proud and stubborn person will not “give away” himself and will not admit that he was wrong. In this situation, he will consider it necessary to leave the tense situation for some time, gradually and very slowly taking steps towards a calmer conversation. His task is to make sure that your reconciliation does not look like he was wrong and defeated, but rather resembles a random coincidence of circumstances.
The second type of people are softer and more suspicious natures. For them, it is much more important to quickly restore peace in relationships than to save their “face.” After all, they understand that they behaved too stupidly, drawing hasty conclusions about you. That is why, having soon realized that in the battle with common sense, emotions were stronger, your partner will do everything to ensure that reconciliation takes place as soon as possible. Sorry for the jealousy, what else can you say...
In any case, we see that patience and calm are required on your part in this situation. You must understand that there are no skeletons in the closet, your reputation is clean, and your soul trembles with love for your husband; so why should you be afraid? As an option, offer your jealous person a search for evidence. Show SMS messages, correspondence on the Internet, a purse with personal belongings, and the like, where theoretically there could be evidence of your betrayal... A loved one, embarrassed by such a proposal, most likely will not check all of the above objects. However, this will greatly help convince him that you are behaving confidently and adequately, which means that your advice is pure.
However, there is an important point: by defending yourself from the attacks of your other half, you may miss the main “salt” of discord in your relationship.
The famous philosopher La Rochefoucauld wrote: “there is more selfishness in jealousy than love.” Remember this and don't let your guard down. Leave a comment:
What can a woman do if her man is pathologically jealous?
If your man is very jealous of you “at every post”, this does not mean that he is pathologically jealous, but this should alert you. To avoid unpleasant situations, you need to try not to give your man a reason to be jealous:
- Do not flirt with other men in front of your husband (even the least jealous “male” will not like this);
- Tell your husband how much you love him often;
- Call your husband more often, tell him how you are doing, and be interested in his problems.
But once again we draw your attention to the fact that if the character of your loved one shows the signs described above in this article, you should think carefully and try to help, if this person is really dear to you and you love him.
For those over 30 – a club for women over 30.
Causes of male jealousy
- Diffidence. If a man is jealous, then he almost always experiences a lack of self-confidence. This is due to both low self-esteem and the feeling that he does not satisfy the woman’s desires.
- A sense of possessiveness. It's hard to go against nature. If a man has conquered something (someone), he must fully possess it.
- Family influence. The behavior model of mother and father is the first relationship that a child sees in his life. And childhood impressions are very strong; they influence the development of his personality in adulthood. And if the future man observed flashes of jealousy in his father’s behavior, then it is very likely that he will also transfer this feeling to his own relationships.
- Paradoxically, a man’s jealousy is quite often a consequence of the fact that he himself is cheating. He “judges his wife by herself,” believing that she, too, can assert herself at the expense of other men, and, of course, does not want to be treated like this.
- Some men have an inherent fear that women in the modern world have become less dependent on them, “allow themselves more” (as they believe) and are no longer faithful as before. This could not have happened without the influence of the media.
- While intoxicated, a man can be much more jealous. He quite often becomes more aggressive and suspicious.
